Riding the Rollercoaster of On Again, Off Again Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One day, you’re madly in love and you can’t imagine your life without this person. And then the next day, you’re storming out of the house and blocking their number on your phone. Only to find yourself back in their arms a few weeks later.

Your relationship feels like a rollercoaster. When it’s good, it’s great. But it never seems to stay great for long. Every high is followed by a corresponding low. And even though you promise yourself that things are going to be different this time, you can’t seem to get off the endless ride of on again, off again.

 

Why Does the On Again, Off Again Relationship Pattern Occur?

 

Strong Chemistry

In relationships that follow this rollercoaster pattern, there is often an intense physical connection. This primal response is powerful and can easily overwhelm the more rational side of the brain that is cognizant of the areas where there is frequent discord.

 

A Focus on the Potential

It’s easy to fall for someone’s potential. You see what they can be and think that if you give it enough time, that is what they will be. You’re pulled back in time and time again because you’re hoping that this time they’ve become what you want them to be.

 

Never Allowing for Detox

There is a dopamine rush that accompanies the start (or restart) of a relationship. It’s a heady – and addictive – feeling. The end of a relationship comes with a corresponding withdrawal. Without time to fully detox from this cycle, it can be easy to keep looking for that next hit.

 

Exaggeration of Both the Good and Bad

When you’re apart, you find yourself fixating on what made the relationship good and so you’re pulled back in. But once there, the negative aspects of the relationship begin to wake from dormancy and again overwhelm what works.

 

Responding to Loneliness

Sometimes we respond to the inevitable loneliness that follows a break up by reaching out for the person that last filled that void. Only to realize – again – that it is possible to be lonelier with somebody that doesn’t see than to be on your own.

 

Return to the Familiar

We do what we know. And this relationship, even with its problems, is a known entity. As comfortable and familiar as an old sweatshirt. We put it on not because it fits, but because we’re used it.

 

Believing the Promises

Sometimes your ex is the one who is reaching out in an attempt to reestablish the relationship. That make promises that things will change. And you believe their words because you want so badly for them to be true. But the actions never follow.

 

Wanting Things to Be Different

You believe that maybe you just didn’t try hard enough the last time. And that if you just tried a little harder, you can make it work this time around. You believe that if you want it to be true, you can make it true.

 

Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy

You have a history with this person. Shared memories and all of the effort that goes into building a relationship. You don’t want to throw all of that away and so you become determined to try again.

 

Fear of Starting Over

The thought of dating someone new is scary or overwhelming. You wonder if there is anyone else who is any better than this one. After all, doesn’t every relationship have its problems?

 

Lack of Self-Esteem

You secretly worry that nobody else is going to want you. Perhaps you’re internalizing harsh words that your on again, off again partner has uttered in the downswings of the relationship or you’ve always struggled with not feeling good enough.

 

Pattern Becomes Normal

You’ve been on this ride for so long that the extreme swings from up to down to up again just feel normal. Whenever you’re in a relationship that is more steady, you become anxious or bored as you crave the stimulation you’ve become accustomed to.

 

How Can the On Again, Off Again Relationship Hurt You?

 

For most people, this relationship pattern is agonizing. A sense of safety in the relationship and secure attachment is all-but-impossible when the bottom seems to fall out on a regular basis.

Additionally, this pattern can occur when one or both partners are running from or hiding their issues instead of addressing them in an attempt to heal past traumas. As a result, personal growth doesn’t happen.

And finally, when you’re stuck in this cycle, all of your energy is funneled either into the intoxicating highs or into the all-consuming lows. There is nothing left over to do any real work.

You deserve a real relationship. One that is there on the good days. And the bad. You deserve someone that loves you and is committed to you. And that may be this person. Or, it may be time to let them go to create space for someone new.

 

Signs That it May Be Worth Another Ride

 

Enough Time Has Passed

If the time since you were together can still be measured in weeks, nothing has changed. That is simply too short of a window for any significant reflection and growth to occur. Additionally, you are both still operating from a place of scarcity, wanting to fill that void left from the breakup and you may still be susceptible to that chemical urge.

If, however, significant time has passed without significant contact and you still find yourself drawn to this person, it may be worth a try.

 

Each Person Has Taken Responsibility and Taken Action Towards Their Own Stuff

Both partners share responsibility for the on again, off again relationship pattern. In order for it to transition into a more mature and lasting relationship, both people have to own their own stuff AND take action to address it. This also takes time and if you rush back into things, the changes may only be superficial and temporary.

 

You Are Ready to Build Again From the Beginning Instead of Picking Up Where You Left Off

The foundation that your relationship was built on had some malformed parts. If you try to keep building from that point, it will always be shaky. In order to have a different relationship, you have to build a new relationship, starting from the beginning and using what you’ve learned to do it differently this time.

 

Signs That It’s Time to Get Off the Ride

 

You Replay the Same Pattern Repeatedly

If your relationship has begun to feel like the movie Groundhog Day, where every cycle through feels exactly the previous, it may be time to call it quits. Those patterns have become well-worn grooves and trying to change them with the same person will be very difficult if not impossible.

 

Words Are Not Supported With Actions

The right words are said. Promises are made. And then they are followed with the same old actions. Words alone are not enough to bind a relationships. If the good is all talk and the actions are all bad, it’s a relationship made of smoke and mirrors.

 

Your Happiness is Tied to the State of the Relationship

If you find that your well-being is on the same up and down cycle of the relationship, it’s time to step away. You can’t build a happy relationship when you’re depending on that relationship to make you happy. Figure out your happiness first and only then find someone to share it with.

 

 

 

Guest Post: A Letter to Myself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Dear Adriana 2017 by Adriana Verdad

 

A letter to myself in 2017, when I was in the beginning, and the thick of the terror, harassment, and extreme emotional abuse. At that time, I was living on Mountain Dew and cigarettes. I didn’t sleep, or eat. I had lost 20 pounds in two weeks, and I felt physically terrible, emotionally drained, tired all the time, and my heart raced constantly. I was in terrible shape in every sense of the word. Looking back on my facebook memories has reminded me of this time, and how different this summer is, in every way. I wish I could go back and tell myself things, to help ease my pain. Here is what I would say to her. 

 

Dear Adriana two years ago,

You’re tired, I know. You’re not sleeping, or eating, and you’re not well, but I want to tell you that you will be okay. I promise. I know.

First of all, don’t let him get to you. He can’t take your kids away, and there’s going to be no trial like he threatened constantly. There won’t. The divorce will be difficult, and long, but it will be mostly you emailing with you lawyer, and calls with her. He will still harass you, repeatedly, and often, but it will get better than it is now. He will move out, not soon enough, but when he does, life will get so much better. It will just continue to get better, after the divorce is final, and after he remarries, it will only continue to improve each step along the way. Trust me.

You’re taking all the right steps, dear. You are. You’re working hard, and finding new jobs. You are making more money, and setting some aside. Keep doing that love, you’ve got this. Trust me. Two years from now, you’ll be on the eve of starting a great job, making good money, and your life will be totally different, and better. Stay the course when it comes to hustling sister. You are one badass, and you will hit bumps, but keep going. You’re going to find your way out.

 

Breathe. Often, and a lot. Breathe. Deeply.

 

That guy you’re talking to right now, stop. He’s a narc too. Stay away from him. No, he’s not going to rescue you. No one is coming to rescue you. Spoiler alert- you are going to rescue yourself. You are going to fight, and come out of this so much stronger. Much, much stronger than what you can even imagine. You are going to get to where your X’s texts make you laugh, or don’t even phase you. You are going to lose a couple jobs. You are going to find that your home, was always where you were, but you needed to find yourself to come back home.

You are going to cry sometimes. You are going to have days where you leave the bed for the couch. You are going to be lonely. You are going to get hurt. Again, and again. You are going to be okay. You are going to discover just how strong you really are.

I know you feel so alone right now. You’ve lost your marriage, your family, your friends. I know that you don’t even realize the power of the woman inside you, but she is there, my love. She has been pushed down long enough, and while it won’t happen overnight, you are going to uncover a better person than you thought you were. You’ll be far from perfect. You’ll still talk too much, and about yourself a lot, but the difference is, you’ll be more selfish. In a good way. You’ll still be generous to others, don’t get me wrong, but you will make sure that you are good. When you are not good, you will take time to rest. You will take care of yourself. You will do that which you’ve never done before. You are going to realize you’re a better mother, and person, when you heal what it ailing you.

You will be financially stable, to a point. But you will eventually get to where you’re able to set money aside. Did you hear that? On your own! On less! You’re going to rock at the other side of your life.

You’re going to be single for awhile though. And you’ll be okay with it. You’re going to fall in love, once, maybe for the first time, and it’s going to hurt like hell, but stay true to yourself, and always love yourself more than you love anyone aside from your kids.

 

Love yourself.

 

All those things he says. They’re not true. I know you know some of them aren’t, but he’s hurtful, and a monster. Breathe. You are going to get further away from him.

When he gets remarried, right after the divorce, remember that that’s more people to love your kids, and that’s never a bad thing. Love her. Forgive her. It seems like she took a lot from you, but she hasn’t earned anything but a false life that you used to have. She didn’t help destroy anything, because there was nothing to destroy. Hard facts.

Don’t go back to the first guy you’re going to date. After he dumps you the first time, move on. Seriously. Just don’t look back, he’s not worth your time. In fact, most of them aren’t. Nay, none of them are, so don’t kill yourself trying to make it work. Trying to make anything work, You’re better than that.

That brings me back to the one who will steal your heart, and bewitch you body and soul. I know you’re hopeful that it will happen someday, but I can’t tell you how that one will end. I know you feel seeing him is better for your soul, than not having him in your life at all, but only time will tell if that’s the case. I know that right now, my soul needs to see him, but I don’t know that will always be the case.

Don’t pay for dating sites.

You’re going to spend your money wisely, mostly. You’re going to get your bills paid for the first time in your life. You’re going to set aside money to take your kids to see the ocean, and do a little light travelling. You’re going to do awesome! Keep your head up. I know right now you have nothing, but that will change. And you will face big bumps, but you will make it out of this. Trust me.

Don’t sleep with the Sheriff’s Deputy. Don’t. Just don’t.

Do sleep with the cop.

Have great sex. Have no strings attached sex. Enjoy yourself. Explore. Seriously. Let loose, but always be safe.

Complain less. Share less of the bad stuff. Share the good stuff. Smile. A lot. All the time. Well, most of the time. You don’t want to look like the village idiot.

It’s okay if you’re not perfect. It’s really okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be sad. And hurt. 

Smoke fewer cigarettes.

Don’t chase anyone. You deserve better than that. If you find you are the only one chasing, try to let go. It won’t always be easy, but try your best. You deserve someone who will chase you.

Quit smoking.

Most of all. You’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the right thing for your kids, and for yourself. Don’t doubt that. Trust me when I say that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you all you are going to accomplish and do over these next couple years. You are going to learn to work on mowers, and cars, and do things that you wouldn’t have dreamed you were capable of doing.

You are going to be fine. No, you are going to be great in the end. You are going to overcome every obstacle he, and life, will throw in your path. 

Keep your head up, and if you’re going through something difficult right now, stay your course. Know your worth. You are going to come out on the other side of whatever is testing you right now, stronger, better, and happier, if you keep your head up. I hope you’ll share these words with anyone who needs to hear them right now.

Much love,

Adriana

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!

How We Handle Failure

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As I was reacquainting myself with my students last week (yes, we start school WAY too early in the south!), I reminded them of my belief that the math they will learn in my class is important. But the lessons in learning how to handle frustration and failure are even more important. Because, let’s face it, many of these kids may never have to solve a quadratic equation as an adult or explain why an exponential function has an asymptote, but they will certainly face failure. Probably many times.

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And I’ve to realize how important learning how to handle failure really is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is one of the primary forces that shapes who we become. The good news? Even if we have a had a subpar response to defeat in the past, with practice and the right mindset, we can learn to improve our relationship with failure.

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Five Negative Responses to Failure

Giving Up

I think all of us have released the words, “I give up!” in frustration when the fifteenth attempt at something still neglects to result in the desired outcome. It’s easy to become fatigued and weary, especially once the thinking brain has expended all of its energy and allows emotions to take the helm.

Internalizing the Message

“I suck,” we mutter to ourselves, confusing the line the action with the person, believing that we ARE a failure instead of a being that failed at something. This response is often ingrained in childhood when perfection (or at least the illusion of it) is expected of you from the adults in your life. You equate failure with rejection.

Avoiding Risk

If you don’t try, you cannot fail. Some respond to failure by refusing to take risk, preferring to practice the perfect and staying safely on known ground. This choice is rationalized as prudent, even wise. Yet the decision is made out of a fear of failure rather than a careful weighing of the potential risks and rewards.

Lashing Out

Some get angry when facing failure, attempting to cover the discomfort and vulnerability inherent in defeat with a veneer of hostility. “It’s not me, it’s you!” the response insists, hoping that by keeping people on the defensive, the failure will be overlooked.

Hiding the Evidence

This response is another that develops when failure is not accepted. When the inevitable happens, it is seen as shameful. And what do we do with that which shames us? We bury it.

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Five Positive Responses to Failure

Accepting the Inevitability

Perfection is an illusion. There is no creature on this earth that succeeds in everything it tries. The newborn foal stumbles and falls before it learns how to walk on its shaky and spindly legs. The tree fails to root down deeply enough into the dense soil and almost topples during a storm.

And we are no different. Failure is as much a part of life as breathing. By accepting that, we can remove some of the emotion often associated with it. Rather than being shameful or a sign of weakness, failure is a sign of life.

Viewing Failure as Information

When I was preparing my classroom for the new school year, I had to adjust the legs on several of the student chairs. I glanced at the screws holding the legs together and estimated the proper size of screwdriver needed. On my first attempt, I managed to almost completely strip the screw while failing to loosen it enough to adjust the leg. That failure provided me with information – the screwdriver was the wrong size.

Once we have information, we are able to make adjustments and try a new approach. Without failure, we would never know what modifications are beneficial. Failure is a part of evolution; it steers us towards what works.

Taking Responsibility Within Locus of Control

Those that know how to use failure to their benefit are quick to own their failures, but only the ones within their control. There are two important facets to this response. The first is that once we claim responsibility for something, we give ourselves the power to change it. Secondly, by only accepting responsibility for things within our influence, we refrain from wasting energy trying to change things that we do not have dominion over.

It can be scary to admit that you failed. We don’t want others to see us as weak, as flawed. Yet by taking ownership, you remove the opportunity for others to use your failures against you. And the reality is that much of the time, people respect those that immediately and completely admit their failings as long as they are also making an honest attempt to learn from those defeats.

Reminder to be Open to Learning

Do professional athletes ever outgrow their need for a coach?

Nope.

Yet all too often, we become so comfortable (okay, cocky) within our own areas of expertise that we forget that we should still be learning.

And failure is happy to give us that reminder that there is always room for growth. For improvement. Failure equals humility and humility keeps us open and pliable.

See Failure as Opportunity

And this is what it comes down to.

Every failure is an opportunity.

A chance to try again.

Only now with more experience and knowledge of what doesn’t work.

Every failure is an opportunity.

A change to do better. To respond differently.

Without failure, there is no learning. No growing.

When we see failure as something to avoid, we are robbing ourselves of the opportunity to become the best version of ourselves.

And when we are able to become comfortable with failure, we are able to use it to take the next step. And then the next.

We will stumble. We will fall.

But as long as we get back up, learn from what didn’t work and keep trying?

Well, there’s no stopping us.

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When They Deny the Affair

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Something’s up. Maybe you stumbled across an inappropriate text or perhaps there’s just a different energy in the air. Either way, your suspicions are growing, eating at you as your imagination begins to shift into overdrive.

Summoning your courage as you straddle the line between wanting to know and wanting to believe that everything is okay, you ask –

“Are you having an affair?”

And the response is volleyed back.

“No.”

You’re not sure how to feel. It’s the answer you want to hear. Want to believe. But at the same time, you’re not sure if you do believe it.

In some ways, you’d prefer a confirmation of your fears, because then at least you would know where you stand.

But this?

It’s maddening.

Agonizing.

Obviously someone isn’t telling the truth. But is it your partner or your own fears?

As you try to unravel the truth, begin by considering the reasons they may be denying an affair –

They may be trying to have their cake and eat it too.

“But I want them both!” you can just picture this person insisting like a spoiled toddler while stomping their feet. This is the stereotypical selfish cheater. They want what they want and they don’t expend too much energy thinking about how it might impact those around them. They lie not because they particularly enjoy lying, but because they want to get away with this for as long as possible. They are not worried about the truth hurting you; they are concerned about the impact the truth will have on their fun.

It’s rare that someone would only act selfishly in regards to a relationship. Instead, it tends to be their general approach to everything in life. Consider if they generally lack empathy and have a tendency to consider their own needs at the exclusion of others. These sorts of people will often speak of how they deserve happiness and may play the martyr or victim routinely.

They may enjoy the power that comes from deception.

These are worst type of cheaters. The actual affair may be ancillary to them; their primary motivation is the power and glee they gain from manipulating those around them. Although this type of person is obvious in some ways, when you’re under their spell woven with gaslighting and emotional abuse, your view is blurry.

These are the cheaters that will respond with outrage at your accusation, no matter how damning the evidence is against them. They will turn the fingers back at you, painting you as crazy, irrational or unfaithful in your own right.

It’s very difficult to see gaslighting when you’re in it. If you suspect that this may be your situation, talk to others you trust to gain their perspective and find a way to take a little break from the relationship to give yourself some space to think clearly.

They may be too scared to admit the truth.

They know they messed up. They know the truth will hurt you and they don’t want to hurt you. On one level, they may believe they are doing the right thing. Protecting you. On another level, they are afraid of seeing the hurt, the betrayal in your eyes and knowing that they are the one who put that there.

This puts you in a tough place. Your suspicions make you anxious and their response makes you frustrated and confused. Your emotions are high, yet the best way to uncover the truth is to stay calm so that they feel safer in revealing it. Is it fair to ask you to temper your emotions when they are the ones misbehaving? No. But then again, nothing about infidelity is fair. 

The good news is that this is the type of cheater that often feels great remorse for their actions. They are ones most likely to take responsibility when they are ready to face the truth. Patience may be called for here as you give them to space to summon up the courage needed to speak, but you also have the right to set your own boundaries about what you will not tolerate.

They may believe they are innocent.

Perhaps they define infidelity differently than you do and so even though they’ve crossed your line, they are still safely on the innocent side of their own demarkation. This happens often when there is an emotional affair; the betrayed partner is picking up on the emotional distance and redirected attention while the other proclaims their integrity is intact because the clothes have stayed on. Before accepting their proclamation of innocence, ensure that you are indeed talking about the same thing.

This can also happen when the betrayer is a pro at compartmentalization or rationalization. They see themselves as a “good” person, someone who would never cheat on their partner. And so they participate in impressive mental gymnastics in an attempt to reconcile their actions with their beliefs about themselves.

They may come up with a reason that the affair is inconsequential (“We only have sex. There is no emotional component, so it doesn’t impact my marriage.”). Or, they may keep that side of themselves completely separate from their normal guise, often using alcohol or other substances to help block out (or excuse) their actions.

This situation can be tricky to suss out, especially if they only show you the “good” side. Pay attention to how they handle mistakes and embarrassing situations. If they have a tendency to secret these relatively banal things away, it’s an indication that they have a tendency to split when experiencing shame.

They may be innocent.

This best case may be the real case. It’s possible that you misinterpreted something or allowed your fears or past experiences to reach false conclusions. Of course, you also have to be careful not to rush to the perceived security of this assumption too quickly. Because once we believe something, we inadvertently seek confirmation that it is true. And you don’t want your denial to offer a safe hiding place for a cheater.

Just as you don’t want to provide a safe haven for a cheater, you also don’t want to create a hostile environment for an honest person where they are constantly bombarded with fake accusations. This is why it’s important to pay close attention to your reactions, trust yourself to see and handle the truth, and keep your eyes open in regards to your partner. Don’t excuse their stuff and also don’t accuse them of yours.

So what can you do if you have suspicions that your partner denies?

Start here – What to Do When You Think Your Partner is Cheating

Why Is it So Difficult to Recover From Being Cheated On?

Posted on by stilllearning2b