10 Contradictory Qualities of a Good Marriage

Posted on March 8, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

It is often said that marriage is a balancing act. It requires weighing the needs of the individual against the needs of the partnership. It necessitates compromise and constant communication. And a good marriage also needs to find the equilibrium with the following contradictory qualities:

1) Adaptability

A good marriage is adaptable; it grows and molds itself to the environment and current needs. It changes as the partners do, shifting over time and over life transitions. It acts like the flexible caulk used to secure two surfaces together while allowing each to move independently of the other. A good marriage possesses a growth mindset, where both partners are motivated to learn and believe that they can improve with effort. Growth ensures that a marriage remains relevant and useful.

Adaptability extends to the individuals. It accepts that people change over time and with experience. In an adaptable marriage, each partner remains curious about the other and limits assumptions and premature conclusions.

And although a marriage needs to be adjustable, it also requires…

2) Consistency

A sense of security and support is critical in marriage. Both partners need to have a sense that their spouse has their back. Each needs to feel safe, both physically and emotionally, so that the critical component of vulnerability can be revealed.

And much of this peace of mind comes from stability. Consistency. You want to know what you’re returning home to each night. You want to have a sense of what your partner likes and how he or she will react. Consistency encourages confidence and trust, both critical for a marriage to thrive.

3) Personal Responsibility

In a good marriage, both people are looking for a partner to complement them, not complete them. Each person accepts responsibility for his or her baggage, actions and emotions. Nobody is held accountable for the other person’s happiness and nobody is expected to be a white knight to the rescue. Blame is withheld and instead of expecting the other person to change, each partner modified his or her response to a situation. A healthy marriage begins with two healthy people and that requires taking responsibility for yourself.

However, there are times when you can’t do it yourself, and in a good marriage, you also need to be able to…

4) Ask For and Receive Assistance

Being able to ask for help is a sign of both humility and strength. Being able and willing to provide help is a sign of empathy and compassion. Part of a good marriage is being willing to quiet the ego and admit when you lack knowledge or ability. In turn, a strong partnership calls for a partner who is responsive to their spouse’s needs and refrains from making him or her feel inferior when assistance is required. Marriage is about partnership. And a good marriage is about helping your partner when he or she cannot help themselves.

5) Withhold Judgment

In a good marriage, the word “should” is banned from the table. Assumptions and projections are limited as each person is accepted for who he or she is. In conversations, the partners listen to understand rather than listen to respond. Instead of leading with judgment, the spouses lead with curiosity. Criticism kills a marriage. Appreciation nourishes it.

Yet even though a good marriage is free from judgment, it also requires that the partners are not afraid to…

6) Call Each Other Out

Presumably, nobody knows you better than your spouse. And that puts them in a unique position to see and perceive the lies and limitations you place upon yourself. In a good marriage, partners will call each other out on their s**t. Not to shame or bully, but to help the other become better. A marriage thrives when rather than quietly accepting the excuse of “I can’t,” a spouse helps to show their partner that indeed, they can.

7) Overlapping Worlds

A good marriage exists in the intersection of two lives. There are shared experiences. Shared friends. Shared passions. And shared dreams. There is a merging of two lives. “Me” is replaced with “we” and “mine” with “ours.” Each person plays an active and visible role in their spouse’s life. Compromises are made and the marriage is prioritized.

Although a good marriage requires sharing many aspects of life, it also needs…

8) Independence

Each person should always know where they end and their partner begins. A marriage is not one and one make one; it’s two individuals choosing to share their lives. And they need to maintain their individuality. A good marriage allows each person to explore his or her own interests. It provides freedom and encouragement to explore individuality while maintaining the bond of the shared life.

9) Enjoyment of Each Other

A good marriage has at its heart two people that enjoy each other. Partners that greet the other with a smile and look forward to time together. Spouses that are both friends and lovers, providing comfort and excitement with their touch and their presence. Marriage is about the shared and realized dreams. The laughter over a joke nobody else understands. The knowing glance that contains a year’s worth of information with no words exchanged.

Even though the partners in a good marriage enjoy each other, they may not always like each other and so they also…

10) Accept the Bad Days

Even in the best of marriage, there will be bad days. And in the best of marriages, these days are not perceived as the beginning of the end nor do they signal a need for panic. Rather, it is accepted that some days will be bad, that marriages have an ebb and a flow. That there will be times that one person withdraws, and that withdrawal is usually temporary.

Bad days can be an opportunity to learn and grow. Or simply a sign that it’s time to rest a bit and wait for the storm to pass. Just as a bad day does not mean a bad life, a bad day does not signal a bad marriage. The spouses trust that the tide always turns and they’re waiting for each other when it does.

Plant Your Bulbs

Posted on March 7, 2015 by stilllearning2b

I get geeked out for spring.

No, really.

I mean I become a full-on fan girl for everything green and growing.

I can shriek as loudly as my students at a One Direction concert when I walk into a well-stocked nursery.

Yeah, it’s kinda sad.

Yesterday afternoon, I took Tiger for a walk around the neighborhood and enjoyed the early spring bulbs just beginning to show their faces after the late and overly harsh winter storms we endured this year. My own yard is late to the party; the ample shade means that it takes just a little longer for everything to grow and bloom.

So I was thrilled when I returned home from the walk to notice the small purple blooms on my leaf litter-covered speedwell. The sight is especially welcome after a week consumed by loss.

A new cycle has begun.

My planting beds are peppered with green stalks bursting with daffodils ready to bloom. I remember planting those bare, dry lifeless roots in the cold soil last fall. Even though I’ve planted fall bulbs many times, it’s always an exercise in faith. In my region, the bulbs go into the ground just as the warm weather annuals ave gone from bloom to blackened and the perennials are shriveled and brown. It’s a time of death in the garden. And yet I still plant those hard little brown nubs, trusting that life will sprout again.

And it always does.

In the autumns of life, it’s important to plant your bulbs – those roots and beginnings of hope and new life. It is an exercise of faith as you trust that those small beginnings will lead to flowers later. Yet, with patience and nurturing, the blooms always come.

Ruminating vs. Processing. Do You Know the Difference?

Posted on March 5, 2015March 16, 2019 by stilllearning2b

I often find that people are confused about the difference between ruminating on the past and processing the past. They think they are doing one when, in reality, they are often doing more of the other. I can see where the confusion exists – both ruminating and processing involve thinking about (and perhaps talking about) the past.

And that’s about where the similarities end.

So then what does separate ruminating from processing?

Ruminating

Rumination starts in the past and it stays in the past. It starts with thought and it stays with thought. It is time spent pondering the “what ifs” and playing choose-your-own-adventure with experiences now past. Rumination gets you nowhere. It has no goal and no purpose apart from endlessly exploring those well-tread mental paths. It can be a trap as its labyrinthine cords bind you to your past. Rumination thrives on recursive thought, one idea leading you to the next and to the next with no external input.

It’s easy to ruminate. Trigger a sad memory and this can easily be the default setting initiated. It’s the automatic pilot of the traumatized mind. It takes no energy to sustain and, in fact, requires energy to break out of its insidious cycle. Excessive rumination may be a sign of depression. If you find that you are having difficulty breaking out of the cycle, seek help. It’s out there.

Processing

Processing may initiate from the past, but it is then future-focused. It begins with thought and then continues in action. Unlike the unfocused meandering of rumination, processing is directed. There is an end goal in mind and steps are taken to reach that intention.

When you’re processing, you’re not just going over it.

You’re making sense of it.

It’s difficult to process. First, you have to summon the courage to face things you would rather bury and leave for dead. Then, you have to be willing to take responsibility not only for your part in whatever happened, but also for your well-being going forward. The past must be examined for patterns and connections. New input needs to be considered and assumptions dropped; the well-worn mental paths may indeed be missteps and it might be time to carve some new ones. Those memories can be combed through until sense is made and the endless loops are broken.

And then comes the hardest part. Processing requires action.

It’s not just your thoughts that need to change in order to release the past.

You do.

Don’t Allow Your Pain to Filibuster

Posted on March 4, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I’ll never forget the social studies class where I first learned about filibusters, reading the story of Thurmond’s famous 24-hour stall tactic in a classroom magazine publication.

Not content with the information contained in the short article, I raised my hand for more.

“What do they talk about for so long?”

“Anything,” my teacher responded. “Senators have even been known to read their grandmother’s recipes or recite the phone book.”

“That’s dumb,” I replied with the know-it-all wisdom of an eight-year-old. “That’s just wasting everyone’s time.”

“Exactly. That’s the point.”

“So they’re just stubborn and want to get their way. Okay, I get that,” I responded, finally satisfied. But I still thought it seemed kind of dumb. I couldn’t believe that grown adults would resort to such childish methods. Giggling under my breath, I pictured them on the senate floor, fingers in their ears, singing, “Na na na na boo boo. I can’t hear you.” Who knows, it’s probably happened.

Now very few of us live with senators and hopefully you do not reside with someone who demands to have the floor to blather on with endless prattle.

But that doesn’t mean you’re immune to filibuster.

Because it’s not only the domain of congress.

It’s a strategy often employed by our emotions as well.

Where the pain blares on long after it has anything useful to say.

With the sole purpose of not allowing any response.

By all means listen to your pain.

And then at some point, show it the door.

Don’t allow your pain to filibuster.

I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you for all of the kind notes, messages and emails the last couple days. I haven’t been able to respond, but please know I’ve read and appreciated them all.

Author: stilllearning2b

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