Why the First Reaction Is Often Not The Real Reaction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“What am I going to tell my mom?” were the first, shameful words out of my mouth when I learned my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was pregnant.

I was 14. He was 16. We had only been dating a few weeks. I was still years away from being ready to be sexually active. He welcomed that because he had felt pressured to have sex in his previous relationship.

There was no infidelity involved; the conception had occurred towards the end of their relationship and before ours began.

So really, the news had nothing to do with me.

But that wasn’t my initial reaction.

I had been put on birth control pills a few months prior to manage painful cycles and I was afraid that doctors (and others) would assume that they were also (or even only) desired in an attempt to prevent pregnancy.

And in that moment, my reactive brain thought that this evidence that my boyfriend had been sexually active before me would lead people to assume that he had been sexually with me.

And in that moment, I said something I shouldn’t.

My boyfriend looked shocked. Hurt.

And rightfully so.

It took some time, for him to recover from my misstep and for me to process the news, but eventually I responded with the compassion that I really felt and he realized that my first reaction wasn’t my real reaction.

The first reaction upon hearing big news is impulsive, bypassing any usual filters and mental processing. The initial response is most likely selfish because that is where our thoughts go when controlled by our more primal and reptilian brain. Those opening words are spoken by fear, untamed by rational thought and often amplified by shock.

And those words are frequently a blow to the person who spent time and energy gearing up for this conversation. They may have spent countless hours dissecting their message and carefully selecting the right words with which to deliver it.

Only to be struck with the hammer of the first reaction.

But the first reaction is rarely the real reaction.

If you’re preparing to deliver big news,

  • Remind yourself before the conversation that you’ve had hours/days/years to process this information and that it is brand new (and perhaps a huge surprise) to the person you’re telling.
  • Try to find a way to phrase things so that the information is more of a ramp and less being slammed into a brick wall. This may take more than one conversation.
  • Prepare yourself ahead of time that the recipient of the news may respond poorly. Inappropriately. Even painfully. A little reminder ahead of time can help you not take it personally in the moment.
  • Be patient. Don’t make any major decisions based upon the person’s initial reaction. Give them some time and some space to deal with this on their own before they’re ready to deal with it with you.
  • Gather your support ahead of time, whether this is a person who already knows and has processed the information or simply a favorite walking path. The person just hearing the news won’t be able to be your support person immediately. Don’t expect that of them.

If you’re reciving big news,

  • Breathe. Be aware of your physical responses and work to regulate them. Your fight or flight response has probably been triggered. But you don’t need to do either just yet.
  • Realize that when information is new and unexpected, it is not understood and our brains often catastrophize it just in case. The way you feel about it right now is not the way you will feel about it tomorrow.
  • If you say something you don’t mean, apologize. Sincerly. And then stop talking. The other person has a built-up need to talk right now and your job is to listen and work towards trying to understand what you’re hearing.
  • Understand that a lack of a response in that moment is not an expression of acceptance or approval of the information. Communicate that you need more time to think about this. And then follow up.
  • Remember that no matter how hard this news is to hear, it’s better to have it on the table than covered and rotting beneath the floor. Now you know and now you can process your real reaction.

 

A Vegetarian and a Meat-Eater Walk Into a Coffee Shop

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite comical in retrospect.

On our first date, my now-husband expressed some hesitancy and concern about me.

And not because I was yet to be legally divorced.

Or because I was engaged in a confusing and overwhelming legal battle with a criminal ex.

Or even (okay, especially) because I was still an emotional wreck trying to learn to walk again on my own.

No, none of that (at least from what was divulged that afternoon over coffee) scared him.

What made him dubious was an off-handed comment I made when he tried to get me to order food.

“No thanks,” I said. “I’m kind of a pain to feed since I’m vegetarian and gluten and I don’t get along. Don’t worry about me,” I said with a smile as I accepted my welcomed coffee.

It was only years later that I learned that he was concerned that our dietary differences, specifically in regards to my avoidance of meat,  would be insurmountable. I was surprised, to say the least. And relieved that he took the leap regardless and that we’ve negotiated a respectful relationship around food.

I love to see the ecstasy on his face when he enjoys a good crab cake more that I dislike the smell. In fact, I even made them from scratch for him as a birthday present. With the house wide open. In the middle of an early freeze. He’s understanding of my inability to buy raw meat and courteous to air out the house when he cooks it. When we are traveling, I frequently offer to forgo restaurants that work better for me so that he can partake of the regional carnivorous delights. Besides, salads only have so much variation:)

Last week, I realized how far he’s come from being afraid of our differing diets. We bought a grill – our first together – both for ourselves and for a party we just had yesterday. When we ended up selecting one too small for a “veggie only” patch of real estate, he immediately went over to the accessory section to find a dish that can be placed on the grill to keep any veggies (or tofu!) safe from any offending meat grease. When I labeled one of two spatulas “VEG,” he commented that it was a great idea. And then last night, he suggested I hide my spatula to keep it from inadvertantly being chicken-christened by an uninformed guest.

He doesn’t understand my revulsion around meat, but yet he respects it. I don’t understand his desire to eat flesh, yet I honor it. We both come from a place that the other person is more important than what is on their plate. After all, it’s not really the differences that divide a couple; it’s the reaction to them.

Little did he know years ago that one day he would actually be protective of my eating habits and that he would still be putting up with some of my occassional emotional wreckedness.

It reminds me of that quote often misattributed to Twain –

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life. Most of which never happened.

How true.

 

 

Are You Tired of Hearing, “It Will Be Okay”?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
be okay

“It will be okay” is sometimes a platitude, uttered in ignorance by people who have not ever tried on your shoes, much less walked in them. And that pat phrase, along with its twin, “You’re never given more than you can handle,” can spark ire in the one who is in the midst of the very-much-not-okay and there-is-no-way-I’ll-be-able-to-handle-this. It those cases, “It will be okay” feels dismissive, empty, hollow. A brush off followed by a watering down.

But those speaking in ignorance aren’t the only ones to share that phrase. Others come from a place of experience. They’ve been on the floor amongst the ruins of their life. They’ve lost everything and felt that overwhelming ache of the unfilled void. As they listen to your cries, they are transportated back to their own fresh pain (when nothing ever felt like it would be okay again) and they contrast it with where they are today (okay or even better).

And when they tell you, “It will be okay,” they’re speaking from experience. Not ignorance.

Sometimes we think of “okay” as “the same as it was.” And that will obviously never happen. In my mind, “okay” means adaptation to the change, accepting what is and building upon that base. “Okay” doesn’t mean that there isn’t loss, that there isn’t pain. It means that the loss is no longer all-consuming and the pain is no longer your identity. “Okay” doesn’t undo what was done, it doesn’t erase the past. “Okay” is a place of hope, a whisper that tells you one more breath, one more step. “Okay” means that the way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel because everything changes, even pain. “Okay” says that no matter what has happened, you can still find happiness and peace.

Everything really will be okay.

Use This Trick to Set Yourself Up For Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I did it again the other day.

I was a few chapters into a new book when my initial positive feelings about the characters and the story began to wane. Instead of either committing to the story and giving the author the benefit of the doubt or returning the book mostly unread, I searched for the book on Amazon in order to browse the reviews.

It’s a silly habit, really. I’ve already purchased or borrowed the book. At this point, the opinions of others should hold no merit and I should instead focus on my own interest and my view on the merits of the book.

But I often don’t.

And in doing so, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomena.

Sometimes, I gravitate to the one-star reviews and read scathing comments about the error-filled writing, unbelievable characters or pointless story. It comes as no surprise that when I limit myself to the one-star reviews, I heighten my own sensitivity to the downsides of the book, often deciding to skim the remainder or throw in the towel altogther.

Other times, I really want to like the story and so I filter the reviews to only see those that praise the work in an attempt to see the book in a new and rose-colored light. But this often backfires, the compliments ringing hollow and syncophantic, causing me to become more aware of the gulf between those lofty expectations and my reality of the book.

After much trial and error, I’ve finally settled on a strategy that usually leads not only to my finishing the book, but also increases my enjoyment of it: I read only the three-star reviews. Those assessments that acknowledge the book’s strengths while also being realistic about the weaknesses. A balance between anticipation and assumption. An acceptance that nothing is perfect and that it can be appreciated nonetheless.

A recent study explored the idea of high expectations in marriage. It found that high expectations were associated with a happier marriage only when those expectations were realistic. When the marriage was characterized by a lack of relationship skills, lower (and attainable) expectations actually were correlated with an increase in happiness.

It makes sense.

Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of sorrow. The lack of struggle. That happiness is only found when everything is going great and all five stars are shining.

But like those glowing reviews, that sort of happiness can ring false as it often ignores or suppresses parts of reality.

Happiness is found when faults are acknowledged but not focused upon. When expectations are high and yet attainable. When perfection is not predicted or pretended. When there is a balance between what is enjoyed and what is tolerated. When concerns are contemplated but not ruminated upon. When each good moment is enjoyed for what it is without worry about the moment before or after.

Happiness is found in the three-star reviews.

 

 

Guest Post – Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I felt like I was blindsided twice in my divorce – first by my husband and then again by the courts. The court system is overwhelming, the process is scary and the outcomes are potentially life-altering.  This information and advice from an attorney who has been there, done that may help you go into your divorce better prepared than I was and with a better outcome than I had.  I hope so.

—–

Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Divorce, or dissolution of marriage, is a highly personal, emotional experience that goes much smoother if the parties are willing to cooperate. Despite the obvious benefits of working together, divorce remains a fairly adversarial process that can sometimes get downright malevolent. Whether you are the spouse filing for divorce or the spouse responding to a divorce action, you should consult a lawyer to make sure you are aware of all your legal rights and obligations. This is especially important if the other party is being difficult. One of the most significant aspects present in every divorce where an attorney’s advice can make a big difference is in reviewing financial matters.

 

The Financial Affidavit

All divorce proceedings, whether contested or not, require each party to complete a financial affidavit that discloses all assets, income, expenses, and liabilities. These affidavits are known by different names, such as “Verified Financial Disclosure Statement” in Indiana, and “Verified Disclosure Statement” in Kentucky. No matter what they are called in your state, they must be signed under penalty of perjury that the information provided is correct.

 

The financial affidavits are essential to the final divorce settlement agreement because they are the basis for deciding child support and property division, and whether one spouse is entitled to maintenance. The affidavits are usually prepared by the client, many of whom take wild guesses at the figures. Thing is, it’s human nature to estimate incorrectly, especially under stress. But because complete accuracy now can make a big difference in your financial future, it may be wise (or even court-ordered) to complete a lifestyle analysis.

 

The Lifestyle Analysis

In contrast to the financial affidavit, which gives a view into an individual’s finances at a certain point in time, a lifestyle analysis examines several years of financial activity. It looks at the couple’s spending habits along with the day-to-day living expenses incurred during their marriage. The focus is usually on the last three to five years of marriage in order to get a good understanding of patterns, although the longer the time period analyzed, the more credible the report.

 

The idea is a fairly basic one: if what is being spent on a lifestyle is more than the income that is reported, then it is likely there is another source of income. The analysis usually includes, but is not limited to, researching:

  • Bank records
  • Checkbook registers
  • Credit card statements
  • Credit reports
  • Insurance documents
  • Loan applications and agreements
  • Pay stubs
  • Payroll records if spouse is a business owner
  • Personal and business income tax returns
  • Property tax bills
  • Recurring and ordinary expenses within larger basic categories such as clothing, food, housing, entertainment, travel, etc.
  • Retirement accounts
  • Seasonal expenses
  • Unusual or non-recurring expenses.

 

There are many different reasons why this documentation and verification of expenditures during the marriage may be needed. The most common reasons are to determine the standard of living during the marriage and to determine the appropriate levels of child support and maintenance. A lifestyle analysis can also be very useful in determining whether a spouse is underreporting income on the financial affidavit, has concealed assets, has overstated debts, or has spent marital monies on activities that could influence the case (such as gambling, drugs or paramours).

 

While it can sometimes be hard to determine whether a lifestyle analysis is warranted, there are certain red flags that can signal the need to take a closer look. In many instances, one spouse is already suspicious of the other before they are even separated. Any spouse that exerts excessive control over financial matters should be more thoroughly examined as someone who is likely to manipulate financial facts. A spouse with a history of deception, or of pressuring or coercing the other to sign unusual documents, is a prime candidate for analysis. Has your spouse made large purchases without your knowledge? Have large sums of money disappeared without plausible explanations? These are signs that may indicate the need for a more careful evaluation.

 

Hidden Assets

It’s possible that during the process of completing the financial affidavit or the lifestyle analysis you may discover that your spouse has a financial secret. Comprehensively investigating financial records may reveal that he or she has been hiding income, selling marital assets, buying property, or even bankrolling an extramarital affair. Once exposed through the analysis, this deception can be taken into consideration when the judge determines the divorce settlement agreement.

 

Concealed assets are typically either placed in the hands of third parties or behind false documents. Common ways of hiding assets include:

  • Bearer municipal bonds
  • Collectibles, possibly kept at a friend’s house or the office
  • Converting cash into personal property that may be overlooked or undervalued
  • Custodial accounts established under a child’s social security number
  • Delaying work bonuses, raises, contracts or stock options until after the divorce
  • Faking debts owed to family or friends
  • Giving gifts (like jewelry or cars) that are to be returned once the divorce is finalized
  • Offshore accounts
  • Safety deposit boxes
  • Secret retirement accounts
  • Series EE savings bonds
  • Transferring money into trusts.

 

The point of identifying and valuing all the assets is to decide which marital property is subject to division, thereby allowing an equitable apportionment. A spouse who deliberately hides assets can face a number of consequences, including being charged with fraud, ordered to pay the other party’s fees, having his or her claims dismissed, or having the other party be awarded the entirety of the hidden assets. Penalties vary from state to state and are heavily dependent on the circumstances of the case.

 

Seeking competent and knowledgeable legal advice now will help you avoid costly, long-term mistakes. In order to make certain that you receive and retain all the assets to which you are entitled after a divorce, it is important to talk with a skilled divorce lawyer. In extremely complex situations, divorce lawyers may enlist the assistance of other professionals who have specialized training and expertise in investigating the financial intricacies of a divorcing couple. Financial advisors, CPAs, forensic accountants, and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts® are some of the professionals who may be consulted. It can sometimes take a team to help a spouse stay on the right side of the law while working to secure his or her financial future.

 

About the Author:

Dana Eberle-Peay is a family attorney in New Albany, Indiana. After going through a tumultuous divorce in 2008, Dana dedicated her professional life to helping others in similar situations. She currently practices law at the McNeely Stephenson Law Offices of New Albany, Indiana.