Up until now, everything I have posted has been recently written, almost 3 years since the end of my marriage. I recently went back and visited some of my earlier writings, drafted in the weeks and months after he left. I’ve decided to share some of that, to expose the raw underbelly of divorce. Please be aware that this writing has a different tone. The emotions and language are harsh as they capture my reaction on the day the marriage died.
Wellness is not measured by the amount of broccoli you eat or the number of miles you can run. It is not found in the number of punches on your yoga membership card or the double digits of your sit-up count. Wellness is not indicated by the reading of the blood pressure cuff or the size indicated on the label of your jeans.
I used to think I was well; I had all of the above mastered. My lean, muscled body spoke of the intense workouts it was subjected to along with the strict vegetarian diet that was used to fuel the exercise sessions. I awoke before dawn to ensure that I could fit a workout into my hectic schedule as a middle school teacher. I fit long runs in on open evenings or on the weekends. I watched everything I ate, avoiding meat and keeping a careful eye on the amount of fat consumed. My favorite way to spend the weekends was working in my extensive garden or going on long hikes in the nearby North Georgia mountains.
I used to think I was well. But, I wasn’t. All it took to strip away all of physical manifestations of health was a few short sentences. A text, sent across the country on a sunny Saturday afternoon, arriving unexpectedly on my phone.
July 11, 2009 12:38 p.m.
I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way. I am leaving. Please reach out to someone let the dogs out as I am leaving the state. The code for the garage is 5914. I’m truly sorry but I can’t do this anymore. Please give me some time to come to terms with my decision. I will call you in a few days. I am sorry that I have failed you.
Lesson One
When two become ones, you are able to see yourself clearly.
Fear gripped. Legs collapsed. Brain stuttered. Lungs heaved. Gut clenched. Body trembled. World shattered. Visceral. Violent.
My father’s arms engulfed me as I lay shaking on the floor, my body and brain rebelling from my new reality.
“What can I do for you? Do you want me to call mom?” my dad offered, seeking for a way to comfort his only child.
“Yes, please,” I responded, forcing the words out through my locked lungs.
He reluctantly left me in a heap on the hallway floor in my aunt and uncle’s house as he moved to the dining room to make the call to my mother in Texas, whom he had divorced decades earlier.
My brain barely registered his soft, yet strained voice in conversation several feet away from me. My hands gripped my phone with urgency, willing it to send another message. Wanting this to be a mistake. A joke. Anything but real. A little anger pushed through the initial shock, enough for me to summon the courage to flip open the phone, using muscle memory trained over years to scroll down twelve names to Mr. T, the nickname he used to put himself in the phone he bought for me years before.
“Hello. You’ve reached T of MMS. I cannot come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.”
I took a deep breath and left a message, almost unintelligible through my tears, my shaking, and my heaving chest.
“T. I don’t understand. What is this? A text message? Sixteen years and a text message? Please don’t do this. Not like this. Call me. Please.”
I closed the phone, severing the connection.
It sat there silent. Taunting me. I opened it again, this time to send a text message.
What about the dogs? Are the dogs okay? Call me.
It remained silent, the screen dark.
My father was still in the other room, pacing the length of the dining room table as he and my mother searched for a plan. Meanwhile, my mind flashed upon the last week, looking for explanations, answers. Anything.
T had returned from a business trip on July 1st, four days before I left our home in Atlanta to visit family on the West Coast. We had spent those few days together, enjoying each other’s company as we took care of the mundane responsibilities of daily life and celebrated Independence Day. I searched the memories, looking for a clue, but none was forthcoming. He was as loving as always, never hinting that he was drafting the text while embracing me. On the morning of my trip, he walked with me into the airport, helping me with check-in and baggage. Just outside security, next to the black and red poster declaring forbidden carry-on items, he hugged me fiercely. We kissed, full passionate kisses. Pulling back slightly, he reassured me, “You’ll be back before you know it. I love you and I’ll see you soon.” I just couldn’t make sense of it all.
Nothing existed at those moments other than my broken body collapsed on the hardwood floor and my black and silver outdated Nokia flip phone. I alternated between gripping it until my fingertips were white from the pressure and flipping it open, willing a new message to appear on the screen. That phone, the deliverer of the death sentence of my marriage, was the only possible connection I had to my former life. It was my executioner and my security blanket in one.
My dad finally settled his body next to mine on the floor. He held my hand that was gripping the phone, his tenderness contrasting with my rigidity. He delivered the information from the call with a soothing voice, trying to keep himself calm and impart some comfort to me. My mom was going to call my friend Sarah to check on the dogs. My dad and I were going to immediately drive from Eugene, where we were visiting my aunt and uncle, back to Seattle, my dad’s home in order to catch a plane back to Atlanta. My aunt came to us, crouching down so as not to loom over our crumpled bodies. After being informed of the plans, she lifted me onto the bed, where I was left with a box of tissues while my dad called his wife to have her arrange airline tickets.
The bed, although softer than the unyielding floor, offered no comfort. The tissues were simply something for my other hand to grip. Shock had shut me down. As I lay curled on the bed, others backed my belongings and made the preparations to leave. I was helped off the bed and led out the door to my dad’s waiting Miata, my things already placed in the trunk. I robotically pulled the seatbelt around my body, never lessening the grip on my phone in the process. The five hour drive was largely silent; I was still too stunned to speak and my dad’s poor hearing didn’t allow for conversation in the noisy car.
I used that time to reflect back on my marriage. Memories flashing through my mind like pages through a photo album.
T and I met in 1993 at the Kerrville Folk Festival, a hippie-inspired haven outside of San Antonio. I had recently sworn off dating, but I welcomed a friendship with the funny, smart, and creative sixteen year old. Although we were both from the San Antonio area, our homes were 30 minutes apart. Our early friendship was dependent upon the phone, as T had no car and, as I was still fifteen, I had not yet obtained my license.
As weeks turned to months, our friendship became the primary force in both of our lives. He realized that our feelings had developed into love; I was too stubborn to see it yet, as I had decided to eliminate romance from my life.
The first time he told me he loved me, he said it in German. I did not translate it until he left that night.
Our first kiss was in my car, stopped outside his house, after our first time out alone together. It had been 7 months since we met.
It was not a first kiss for either of us, but it felt so new and so powerful that I could feel my entire body swell with the emotion and passion of it. I realized loved him. In English.
I decided to lift my ban on dating.
We had been inseparable in the sixteen years since that kiss.
My memories were interrupted by the woodpecker sound of my phone ringing. My stomach dropped. I opened my hand, revealing the window on the cover of the phone, hoping, expecting, to see his name appear on the screen. Instead, my mom’s name was emblazoned on the phone. I felt a strange blend of disappointment and relief, although I wanted, no needed, to talk to him, it was not a conversation to look forward to.
Opening the phone, I uttered, “Hey.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I am so sorry,” she said through sobs. “I talked to Sarah. She and Curtis went over to the house. The dogs are okay. It sounds like they were alone for a while, though. They were out of food and water and there was a mess all over the basement. She cleaned up and gave them food and water. They’re okay now.”
“Was there any sign of him? Anything?” I questioned.
“No. Reggie went with her, though, because they didn’t know what they were walking in to. I warned her ahead of time that they may find him dead. He may be suicidal.”
“I know. I thought that too”, I replied. “None of this makes sense.”
After hanging up with my mom, I called Rebekah to thank her. I received one additional piece of information from her. She said there had been a letter placed on the kitchen island. She had not read it; its contents would remain unknown for another 12 hours until I could get back home.
The first leg of the journey came to an end as we pulled into my dad’s driveway. The opening garage door revealed his wife, standing in the doorway, holding two plane tickets with my packed luggage and a bag for my dad by her side. After a brief stop to use the bathroom and say goodbye to his wife, we were back in the car, heading to the airport for our 9:20 p.m. departure to Atlanta.
We waited outside the last gate in the concourse to board our flight. The airport was slowing down for the night, the stores closing and more people leaving than coming. I spent the time looking over the text messages from T that I had received since he dropped me off at the airport.
Mr T 7/5/09 6:49 am
Love ya!!! Have a smooth flight and be safe!
Mr T 7/5/09 7:41 am
I told ya I’d stay in touch!
Mr T 7/5/09 3:05 pm
Love you!!!
Mr T 7/5/09 3:08 pm
Welcome to Seattle!
Mr T 7/5/09 3:12 pm
Ok. For the record dill pickle cashews are really weird!
Mr T 7/6/09 8:12 am
Morning to you too! Have a nice run?
Mr T 7/6/09 8:14 am
Ha! I assumed you’d already be going out of your mind for a quick five miles. Did you have a good night last night?
Mr T 7/10/09 11:14 am
We’ve had so much rain it sounds like a waterfall in the backyard!
Mr T 7/11/09 12:10 pm
Hey! You okay?
Mr T 7/11/09 12:12 pm
Sorry – I didn’t know I’d missed your call until now. Love you big big!
As I read these, I was compelled to send him another message.
7/11/09 5:54 p.m.
Reb has dogs. My dad is taking me to atl tonight. Where are you? Are you ok? I can’t believe 16 years ending with a text.
7/11/09 7:59 p.m.
Please just let me know if you’re ok im worried about you
My mom’s were even more concerned.
Is it true that you are leaving Lisa and the marriage? First, i need to verify that. If that is accurate, do you have specific plans as to when, ect. Iam so very sorry this is happening,if it is. Cathy
7/11/2009
3:39 PM
I’m worried about you. Are you OK? Core thing right now is to keep breathing. Medical stuff could be playing a big part in how you are feeling and thinking, distorting things a lot. Also, depression can have a genetic cause, when there is family history of alcoholism. I care about you. How can I help? Please let me be of support. I love you and want you to be OK. Remember, first thing is to keep breathing.
7/11/2009
7:32 PM
P.S. Depression and lack of sleep can both really mess up thinking and feeling, getting things really off base from what is really true. I’m here for you if you want to talk or write. Love, Mom
7/11/2009
7:37 PM
PPS-one other key factor to be aware of is the effects and impact of burnout. I have been concerned for years about your pace with work and how that pace destroys a person over time. When burnout accumulates, it can slide downhill pretty quickly, being a huge wake call.
The flight was another endless yet timeless five hours. I was rigid in my seat against the window, my left hand gripping my dad’s right and my own right hand still gripping the phone, even though it had been powered down for the flight.
Early Sunday morning, I finally reached my house: relieved to finally be there, petrified of what I would find. The house felt empty, although I could hear the familiar sounds of the dogs barking from the basement. My eyes quickly scanned the rooms, searching for the “whys” and the “hows.” I spotted a deliberately placed paper on the kitchen island and I began to read, scared to touch the paper, as though it would make the words somehow more real.
Lisa,
I’m afraid there is no easy way for me to say this – I’m leaving. We have had a long and rich life together but I can no longer live this life anymore. As I told you several months ago, I feel as though we have been drifting apart for a number of years. It was a gradual thing but I can honestly say that it has reached a point where I no longer can share time with you without wondering when I can be away from you again. I can’t keep living this lie – it’s not fair to either one of us. I will continue to support you as best I can from wherever I end up. I will continue to work for ****** but I would appreciate if you didn’t involve them in this matter. We had some amazing times together and I will treasure these memories for the rest of my life. I think people change as they experience life and unfortunately we have grown so far apart that I simply cannot relate to you in any way. I know that this will hit you very hard and for that I am sincerely sorry. I have never wanted to do anything to harm you in any way but in doing so I have made myself unhappy for many years. I know that once you recover from the shock of this you will bounce back and live a happy and satisfying life – a better and more honest life than I could ever hope to offer you. Everything I have left behind is yours and all I have taken is my clothing and the equipment I need to make a living. I will never ask you for forgiveness or understanding. I am a coward who couldn’t tell you to your face that I am leaving. If I don’t do this now then I probably never will. I need my life to have some sort of meaning to it and unfortunately working in the basement of my house and watching tv and playing video games isn’t it.
I’m sorry but my life is very quickly becoming that of my parents. No matter how much I see that, it feels like there is nothing I can do to change the path that I am on. From this point on there is nothing more that I can say other than how sorry I am for leaving you in this way. I will do everything I can fro this point forward to try and make this as easy on you as possible. I didn’t strip the account to leave. I sold everything downstairs that I felt was part of the old me that I so desperately need to leave behind.
Sixteen years.
Sixteen wonderful years.
Half my life.
A text message.
A fucking text message.
A letter left behind.
A typed, unsigned letter.
How could something so rich, so all-encompassing, end so succinctly and so impersonally? Summed up and dismissed in 140 words or less.
Needing action, but having no direction, I purged the closet of his leftover clothes, shoving them into garbage bags intended for Goodwill. I grabbed his books, stacking them in the garage. It felt purposeful.
My dad went to work in T’s office, clearing the custom basement room of the detritus of T’s life while searching for clues that would provide some answers. No answers were unearthed; only more questions arose. Why did he take all of the financial records after 2005? Why was there a prescription for Cialis? Did he take his computers and software, or sell them as implied in the letter? And most importantly, why did he do this?
The normalcy evident in certain areas of the house haunted me. He did my laundry and placed my folded clothes in their normal location. The fridge had been cleaned out of perishable foods. The cat’s litter had been changed, the dishwasher run. As he was packing his car to leave his life behind, he continued to live its details.
The house that night was vacuous. Alien. Familiar.
Haunted.
Artifacts of a shared life strewn about, taunting me. Whispering false hopes.
Since he would not respond to me, I began to find myself having imaginary conversations with him, responding to his letter. My first interpretation was one of shock, anger, and disbelief.
“Dear John” letter – First Interpretation (July 12,2009)
Lisa,
I’m afraid there is no easy way for me to say this – I’m leaving. Yeah – I got that from the text message. Thanks. We have had a long and rich life together but I can no longer live this life anymore. Why is this in the past tense; you sent me loving messages mere hours ago? As I told you several months ago, I feel as though we have been drifting apart for a number of years. And I was furious that you kept that hidden for a number of years and only told me when I pulled it out of you. It was a gradual thing but I can honestly say that it has reached a point where I no longer can share time with you without wondering when I can be away from you again. Knife through the gut, twisted. Why do you always tell me you miss me and can’t wait to see me again? I can’t keep living this lie – it’s not fair to either one of us. True – this is not fair to me. I will continue to support you as best I can from wherever I end up. That’s nice, but not my first concern. Where are you? Are you drifting on the currents? I will continue to work for ***** but I would appreciate if you didn’t involve them in this matter. Strange. Why are you mentioning your employer? We had some amazing times together and I will treasure these memories for the rest of my life. I agree that it has been amazing; I am not sure how much I’ll be able to treasure them after this ending. Besides, if you have been unhappy for years, when were the times real? When did you begin to pretend? I think people change as they experience life and unfortunately we have grown so far apart that I simply cannot relate to you in any way. You were relating just fine yesterday – what the hell happened? I know that this will hit you very hard and for that I am sincerely sorry. Apology not accepted. I have never wanted to do anything to harm you in any way but in doing so I have made myself unhappy for many years. WHY DIDN’T YOU TALK TO ME? I know that once you recover from the shock of this you will bounce back and live a happy and satisfying life – a better and more honest life than I could ever hope to offer you. This sounds rather blithe; do you actually think that I can recover from this like it is a case of the flu? Honest is a strange word choice. Everything I have left behind is yours and all I have taken is my clothing and the equipment I need to make a living. I’m not exactly worried about stuff at this point. I did notice; however, that you took all of the financial records along with the computer that is used to pay bills. Interesting. I will never ask you for forgiveness or understanding. Good, because they are in rather short supply right now. I am a coward who couldn’t tell you to your face that I am leaving. Coward is exactly right. If I don’t do this now then I probably never will. Why now? I need my life to have some sort of meaning to it and unfortunately working in the basement of my house and watching tv and playing video games isn’t it. Your choice to do those things. I also noticed that you took most of the DVD’s and video games. Interesting.
I’m sorry but my life is very quickly becoming that of my parents. How? You are so different from your father; we are so different than their marriage. No matter how much I see that, it feels like there is nothing I can do to change the path that I am on. That doesn’t sound like drifting. Where does this path go? From this point on there is nothing more that I can say other than how sorry I am for leaving you in this way. You should be. I will do everything I can from this point forward to try and make this as easy on you as possible. So we start off as difficult as possible and then you want to be helpful? I wonder what “easy as possible” will look like? I didn’t strip the account to leave. Why is this here? Does this relate to the strange bills I received while you were in Brazil last month? I sold everything downstairs that I felt was part of the old me that I so desperately need to leave behind. Did you sell the computers? Games? Software? Most of what I see missing is what you need to make a living. Did you sell your work equipment? Something here doesn’t feel right.
My biggest fear had always been losing him; I could not imagine a future without him by my side.
I had never been an adult without T.
I now faced a life without a life-mate.
He had become fully enmeshed in my existence; teasing the strings of him out of me would take time and a patient hand. I needed to find where he ends and I begin.
After being together for so long and from such an early age, I really didn’t know who I was without him. Of course, we had our own interests, our own friends and hobbies, but no area was untouched by the other in some way. I defined myself through him. I was part of a partnership.
Weeks earlier, in a summer staff development session at school, I was asked to write three words that defined me. After a moment’s consideration, I wrote:
wife
runner
teacher
Now, all of those were in doubt. Who was I now? By fracturing the bond that had joined two into one, he had forced me to begin to define myself. By myself. The first step in reclaiming my life, finding balance, is to see myself clearly.
I use the term, “tsunami divorce” to capture the shock and utter devastation of this kind of break-up.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband of 23 years left me 2 weeks ago — via email. We, however, had been having severe problems for the past 4 months. Still, I can’t believe the sheer cowardice, cruelty and tackiness of informing me he was moving out by email. Three kids, two cats, a mortgage, a minivan and perimenopause. I am comforted that you had so many of the same thoughts I did re: suicide (which, let’s face it, might’ve been easier). I hope that I can muster the strength and grace you have and learn to redefine myself. Thank you.
First, let me say that I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Yes, to leave that way is showing cowardice and cruelty. I looked at at it with mine that he revealed his true self and that made me glad he was gone. Maybe you can try a similar perspective? Please keep in mind that two weeks in is very early and everything is still so visceral. Stay with it; it does get easier.
Hole Lee Smokes! This feels like I just had a glimpse of my fututre.
yikes!
Again, so very thought provoking and heart felt.
I thought I had immunity to a fatal marriage via a verbal agreement to not file for divorce so long as we were in marriage counselling. That was not the case though. On our regular night of meeting with the counselor she informed me that she had filed earlier that day. It seemed beyond belief.
Yes, guys are not exempt from being blindsided and we go through much the same as women in many cases. Unfortunately being open about the effects of divorce does not come easy for most men or at least not for me until it came to self-preservation vs. self-destruction.
I am glad that you have learned to talk about divorce. I am finding that any men are more comfortable opening up in the virtual world. I hope that it can help many of them from turning to self-destructive habits. Thank you for sharing:)
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OMG!!!!!! I am reading an excerpt of how my life changed 5 years ago. It’s surreal, but very true.
Sorry to hear you can relate but I am glad you know you are not alone.
Thank You.
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Liars don’t really make sense. They are not logical. And that’s really all I can say or this reply will turn into a book.
Very moving! When I left my wife I couldn’t do so without being totally honest with her, she deserved it. I could never have lived with myself if I’d just communicated my intention by text or a letter. Marriage should start as it began, two people telling each other how they feel, not say what they think the other wants to hear.
Very personal and moving account, thanks!!!
I like that, “marriage should start as it began.” I couldn’t agree more!
Great comments from all of you. Thank you for the perspective you’ve given me. It’s been quite a week.
I probably should take comfort in knowing that I am not alone on this path of divorce. For some reason, I am not comforted. I am deeply saddened.
In November 2011, my wife told me she was having an online affair. I had never felt pain like that and saw the only to end the pain, was to end my life. Obviously, I was rescued in time.
We started seeing a counsellor but it turns out, I was the only one doing and work on our marriage. The first week of April, she told me that she had an extended business trip coming up. It was extended because she was going stay an extra night to f*ck her NEW online boyfriend. Needless to say, we are done and our marriage is over.
Your ex sounds a bit like my soon-to-be… Lousy communicators. There is so much we could have done over the past few years to avoid where we are now. But, she couldn’t express herself and I never picked up her subtle hints.
What makes our case a little unusual is that we have two daughters (9 & 12) and she is the sole breadwinner in the home. While we may be broken as a couple, we are very good parents and want to co-parent our girls. It’s going to be a challenge but we totally owe it to them to try. I am thankful that in Ontario, we have a form of family law called collaborative family law. Both of our lawyers are trained mediators and we both agree (via contract) to not take the other to court. WE decide on spousal/child support, custody of the girls, division of property etc. not some judge. Our lawyers/mediators help us do this. We’ve only barely begun this process but it sounds like a civilized way to do things.
I am glad I found your blog. I already feel there is much for me to learn here.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Wow, Steve; my heart aches for you. It is sad that so many of us have similar stories, but there can be comfort in knowing that others understand and have made it through. It is not an easy path, but it is doable and you do not have to take the journey alone.
I relate to many of your feelings – the turn of my events are different, but to this very day he never had the decency to share a conversation, a word or even an e-mail with me to discuss divorce… All I know is that I need to get myself and my teens through this. Sadly many people go through this, but they come out the other side… somehow.
We can certainly come out the other side, stronger and more beautiful. The one who initiated the journey does not get to dictate the path or the destination. We can control our own journeys:)
Wow! I cannot believe there are so many cowardly spouses out there who just email/text their spouses that the marriage is over. I thought I was the only one to have met such a one. I don’t know whether to be happy that others are going through this heart-wrenching sorrow with me, and I can find support and healing through all your stories, or to be sad that there still exist spouses for whom marriage is a joke! Regardless, I am glad I found your blog.
I am glad you are here:) I think we all feel relief that we are not the only ones and sadness that others have to endure a similar pain.
I found this blog because you posted a link to it in a comment you made about a NY Times artlcle today. Your circumstances are extremely unfortunate and I wish you luck in healing. I’ve had the unique disadvantage of encountering many men who behave this way. Men have done worse, they’ll continue to do worse. Women too. You seem to have a good support network which is really important. Consider yourself lucky to have not spent another minute with him. Nothing lasts forever. Not love and not pain. You’ll be just fine
Cheers.
Thank you for your support. It is sad that some people act this way, but luckily, it’s a minority. I’m now three years out from the day the marriage died and there is beauty in life again:)
I came across this blog while doing “research” because I’m in a place where I think I’m almost done with my marriage. That said, I cannot fathom how a man (or woman) could be so cowardly as to leave someone via any method other than face-to-face. Yes, ending a relationship is heartbreaking and painful. But, wow, a text? Even if my closest friend did that to his wife I’d probably punch him in the face. Hard. You just don’t do that.
Sorry you went through this, but I’m sure you’re coming out of this as a stronger person.
I am sorry to hear that you are at the end of your marriage, but I am glad to hear that you are not planning on doing it via text. Otherwise, your best friend may have to punch you in the face:) Divorce is never easy, but there are certainly choices that can make it a little easier. I wish you the best.
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well that letter is almost identical to mine, except mine asked for forgiveness, and pity and he never called himself a coward. ( which he is)
the realisation that he had planned this out for some time while faking love, hit me so hard that I developed a heart condition.
As to the letter, mine also promised to look after me financially etc etc.
Except he used work transfer, as an excuse for his departure, when actually he hadnt even told them we we married, thereby depriving me if any right to pension insurance etc, shld he have died. Not illegal in this country to lie to tax department.
He led his family to believe he asked me to go with to USA and I refused. thereby cutting me off from the only support I had in a foreign country. I found this out much later.
We had been together 10 years, and married for two. He left in the middle of my citizenship application thereby intentionally leaving me stateless, unable to apply, work at a fixed job, and ill, with no family, in a foreign country. my family is 10,00 miles away, including my two children of 27 and 30. who he never even said goodbye to. they loved him as much as I had.
He never left actually, he just pretended to be on a work assigment in USA, to keep me from finding out about his infidelity and diseases he infected me with. Telling me subsequently, in a letter that Im his soulmate and the most wonderful person. Sadly I belived him. he asked for forgiveness, I gave it, from afar with no explanation,
the debts came to light, I had no money to go home, and now he has filed for divorce using his ex sister in law to drag me through the courts again with no money and no recourse to legal aid. The lies and filth he presented on the divorce document were his last and final proof of his inhumanity.
I will fight back, I have discovered a double life too hard to believe, I had email conversations to try to get closure from him, I never got it.
the last mail, He told me he hated me, the reason?? because i had discoverd who he truely was. A psychopath will never let you go after that.
i can relate to every word you said, in your post, but as I have discovered, there is always someone worse off than you. you had your parents, your civil rights, a house and a job, I had none of those.
I will face him in court this year, with the truth on my side. I dont carry his shame anymore, its all his.
The law will never protect you thats what ive discovered. Your friends and family will search for reasons and signs, but you know there are none. They discard you like a piece if used toilet paper, and they dont lose a wink of sleep.
thankyou for sharing this I too am writing my journey. xx A
Sometimes I think there’s some horrific template out there where these kind of spouses get the framework for their correspondence – the words are often so similar. There is one way we were both lucky. We escaped with our lives. My heart goes out to you as you face the showdown in court. I found that the courts were not equipped to deal with the dishonesty, manipulation, and lack of cooperation by my husband, but many of the people who work in the “system” immediately saw through him and his lies. That validation was priceless.
I am so glad to hear that you are writing your story. Give yourself a happy ending:)
During my divorce months in 2009, I was stunned to hear my STBX use the exact same words and phrases that my wife before her had used many years before.
Stunned. I thought, “Is there some sort of playbook that they both are reading from?” They had never met, never talked with each other, they were raised in different parts of the world, etc.
However, they were both badly abused while growing up. (Yes, I know; I have learned.) So, I hear what y’all are saying.
It is amazing. I had not realized the commonality that we have.
thanks for the encouragement. I havent read the part in divorce court with the showdown with the law, have you posted that. cos id like to read it. A xx
I haven’t written much about it here. I detail it all in the book I’ve written (which will be out soon). These posts might be of interest to you: Marital Treason, Tips For Surviving a Malignant Divorce, A Letter to the IRS, and Clean Up, Aisle 5.
I would like to extend my sympathy for the pain you have suffered, and thank you for sharing. I read your Blog and the subsequent comments thoroughly, paying particular attention to the emotion and feeling of the words. I found your Blog via the Huffington Post after reading another divorce related article. Lately I find myself reading all I can on the subject of divorce because like your ex-husband, I have been unhappy for many years now and desperately want a new start. I know exactly how he was feeling. The disappointment with his life trajectory; the feeling of stagnation; the inability to articulate the complex needs, emotions and feelings he required to make married life tolerable or even happy and the desperate need for autonomy. Freedom=Not having to explain yourself or every move you make, (ie. where are you going?, why did you do that?, and this is what you should do…). I have had the divorce talk several times during our 25 year marriage and she is well aware that I am not happy. Her refusal to acknowlege my feelings and to heed what I have told her only strengthens my resolve. During the course of family life the dutiful husband becomes more of a fixture in the family structure rather than a human being with emotions, needs and weaknesses. Somehow, talk of divorce gets smoothed over or becomes less of a priority in favor of one event or crisis after the next, especially where our children are involved. So, while I cannot speak for your ex, these feelings become repressed and buried for the sake of continuity. You see..Like your husband, I was planning a well written email or letter and I had not completely ruled out a text message. Yes I am a coward, but I also want to avoid the fighting, screaming, begging, and her demeaning herself that would surely ensue. I know this from prior attempts to be courageous. I don’t like to see her that way and I have always been a sucker for tears, to say nothing of what the children would witness due to her unpredictable behavior. I haven’t spoke to her lately about my “selfish”, desire for freedom, hopefully her attitude toward me has changed and she will forego any counter-productive theatrics and talk to me in a civilized manner, which may be more than I deserve, but does not change the fact that either way this marriage will end. This is not something I am proud of nor take pleasure in, It will be the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Why am I telling you this ? Well, like you writing is sort of a therapy for me. I cannot talk to my children, my wife is aware, but oblivious and I don’t have friends that I trust enough to divulge such personal information. So, writing on your blog seemeed the logical choice and while you did not mention children, (pets do not count), I thought you or your adoring fans could offer some objective insight or advice.
Please, I think your first reaction will be to lambast me for my cowardice, but remember every relationship is unique, there is no standard by which they can be measured. I cannot detail every nuance of our 25 year marriage except to say neither of us is innocent. I hope this post is well received, looking forward to any comments suggestions or words of advice, encouragement and even negativity.
Thank You for reading
Respectfully
Searchforfreedom
P.S.
Not sure if this matters, but I am a Black Man Married to A White Woman and I love her regardless of our status
I am not going to lambast you, but I’m not going to be easy on you, either. First, I applaud you for thinking through this and seeking opinions before you act. That takes courage. What I see in your response is a lack of responsibility. You discuss feeling disappointed and stuck. You allow yourself to feel that way. That has nothing to do with the marriage. It is not selfish (a word you use frequently) to seek happiness, but it is selfish to act in without regard for those around you. I am not making a judgment about the quality of the marriage or if you should stay or go, but I am going to address HOW you choose to go, if you do.
By delivering the news in a text message, you are avoiding discomfort you anticipate for yourself while not allowing your wife a chance to listen or be heard. That is not fair. However you leave your wife, is the way you leave your children too. Do you want them to feel like they were only worth a letter or a text? Additionally, you are sending the message to your children that it is acceptable to act in a way that hurts others for your own benefit. You say your wife is aware and unreasonable. If you are afraid or uncomfortable with her potential reactions, then deliver the news with a counselor or pastor present. But give her, your children, and the marriage the respect of your presence.
Freedom and happiness are found within yourself. They do not come as part of a package with a divorce decree. I hope that you can find them and can do so in a way that doesn’t leave a path of destruction behind you.
(FYI – I am not sure what you have read about my situation, but my husband told me how much he loved me up until hours before the text, stole untold thousands of dollars, lied and manipulated the court system, had (an) affair(s), had problems with alcohol, committed felony bigamy, and attempted suicide. Is this really a man you want to compare yourself to?)
I was the recipient of an “I’m moving out” email four months ago from my husband of 23 years, father of our three kids. By all means, if you never want a relationship with your kids, send an email. My kids were taken almost completely by surprise at their father’s leaving; they were pissed that he sent an email and left without saying good-bye. No matter how you try to explain (or justify) it later, your kids will remember how you left. The only time an email/text/letter is appropriate is if you are in physical danger, which I assume you aren’t since you’re leaving the kids with your wife? Doing the hard thing now in person may make maintaining your relationship with your kids more likely. And please google how to tell your kids you’re leaving, so you can explain the choice in a way they can understand.
Thank you for sharing how your kids responded. I’m in complete agreement with you. The only time an email/text/letter is the appropriate way to end a marriage is if there is abuse and physical danger.
I was quite simply raging for you after I read this. How dare he opt out! He obviously planned leaving and had been thinking about it for some time, so why not discuss it with you? Because he was a selfish, a coward and many other things that would be inappropriate to list. He may have had a million reasons for leaving but there is no excuse for how he did it.
You are obviously a very strong and courageous woman to have been able to move on with your life. I wish you continued healing and happiness.
Thanks for the support:) It was a cowardly way of ending it, but it also had its benefits. It was a clean cut, a sudden amputation with no anesthesia. I fell out of love in first sight of the text, rather than having months or years of living in the gray area. As far as moving on, he took 16 years from me, I’ll be damned if I give him more!
Wow! You certainly know how it feels to be blindsided the way I was! Amazing how much a person can surprise us in the worst ways!! sorry you went through this, but happy to know you made it out the other side stronger and happier
I call it tsunami divorce – a wall of water that comes from a placid sea and tries to flatten us.
I just read that one and shared it to my fb wall…eerie. So true. I am lucky to now know so much happiness that I can be grateful for my personal tsunami though
It is not as common as a “typical” divorce and it is very misunderstood. I’m so glad that you have found beauty through your tsunami:) I have too and I am trying to help others find their way.
…and thanks for sharing the link:)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My coward, I meant to say, HUSBAND of 18 years didn’t even bother to leave a note. He just packed a few things on the sly and left home as he would normally do on a work day. Then he immediately moved in with his girlfriend and THEIR CHILDREN. He was in my bed that morning and in hers that night. No explanations, no apologies. As a matter of fact, he just totally forgot that he had a wife or a family with me. Your story has only served to solidify my resolve to live and live WELL. Seeing past the pain gets a little easier every day because of people like you. Your honesty and blunt recanting of your initial emotions and question after that text message spoke to me and reminded me that I’m not the only woman in the world who is going through or has gone this and SURVIVED. Today, you’re my hero!
I’m glad my story can help you. One of the reasons I chose to share my tale is that I couldn’t find anyone writing “from the other side” of a tsunami divorce. I want people to feel that others share their pain and that there is life beyond the trauma.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your story is very sad but I am soooo glad you were brave enough to share it. Maybe you don’t fully realize it but your are helping a lot of people. Men can get burned just as badly but the lack of shoulders to cry on is depressing. I am currently married with 2 beautiful daughters (14&12). Two years ago I discovered that my wife had been having a 6 month affair with an ex-boyfriend she dated from high school. We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 9. At the time of the affair our marriage was great (her words as well as mine). But the shock you described when your husband sent the text was the same shock I felt when I was going through our cellular bill and discovered the infidelity. I was numb, out of breathe and trembling. To make matters worse I was out of town on a work assignment so the initial conversation with my wife occurred over the phone. For the last 2 years we’ve been living in a pure hell. The loss of trust, shame, embarassment and guilt has consumed us. I love this woman very much but am slowly discovering that I have fallen out of love with her. I have also discovered that she is a very poor communicator so talking is non-existent. We talked all the time before the affair but not so much now. The hardest part of this journey for me has been the constant thoughts of “what did I do wrong” or “what didn’t I do right”. She swears to me that I did nothing wrong. That I was doing “my job” (her words). She says that it is her fault, that she made the worst mistake of her life. She wants it to all just go away but I am left picking up the pieces of my heart and our marriage all alone. I’ve read every book, article, and even been to counseling but the pain will not go away. I had never thought I would get a divorce because of my Christian beliefs but our marriage is like a slow death. I have been more than willing to reconcile but her idea of that is to not discuss anything. Divorce sucks for everyone (especially the children) but for men with children it is a nightmare. Maybe I would feel worse if I were responsible for the damage done to my marriage (I doubt it) but to walk away at all feels like too much to bear.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. That sounds heartbreaking with no “good” solution. I wish you the best as you navigate your path. And, you are so right, men can definitely be the ones burned. I am encouraged by the number of men sharing their stories online. It helps us all.
It’s funny – I no longer think of my story as sad. It was the worst pain I have ever felt and I still mourn the loss of the man I loved, but I have gained perspective now (3 years on) that has allowed me to celebrate the gifts embedded within the trauma.
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“He had become fully enmeshed in my existence; teasing the strings of him out of me would take time and a patient hand. I needed to find where he ends and I begin.” That sounds exactly like me right now.
Sorry to hear you’re in that place. I have been successful in teasing him out of my existence. I know it seems impossible, but you can get to a point where the strings of him will leave only a vague imprint on your heart. It’s scary, but also strangely exciting.
I know I will get there. Even after a month and a half though I’m still at the “Where are you? and, Why aren’t you responding to my texts?” phase. I know I will soon have to cut the cord in order to move on. But it’s so hard to accept, as you know. I want to take what he did and smash it into his face, to destroy him still. But it doesn’t seem to matter to him. None of this ever mattered. I have yet to come to terms with that. I’m still a bleeding mess.
It sounds to me like you are exactly where you should be. It’s natural to scream at the lack of response and to want to punish him. Hell, I didn’t let go of the latter for about two years. The most important thing to realize is that you will get there. Your reality right now will not be your reality forever.
Hugs:)
Thanks for the kind words. I feel like one of those guys in a fire suit, you know the magicians or stuntmen who set themselves on fire on TV and walk around? That’s how consuming my rage is. I thought I’d have some clarity after a couple months but truthfully I have none. I just know that’s I’m very, very angry. I suspect I’ll never get over it. And I’ll keep putting off a reunion, month after month, till eventually I’ll realize I’ve already let go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get back on a plane to see him again. I’m consumed with hatred.
What a great analogy. Do you have an outlet for your rage? I found that it helped for me to physically exhaust myself (mainly through running). It seemed to dampen the flames a bit so that I could breathe.
I’ve been working out too. Joined a gym. I’ve had a hard time eating so it’s been tough to work out more than three times a week. I’ve managed four on a couple occasions. But I also find I feel anxious during the class and have to step out to catch my breath. I used to workout to be attractive to my husband. Now …?
Now workout to feel strong and powerful and capable and beautiful for you! It’s a way of telling yourself that you are worth it.
Yes. You are right. I’ve lived too long — eight years — trying to convince someone else to love me. It will be a huge crazy change to start living for myself.
You’re worth it:)
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…WOW!
pretty much