Mythical Thinking About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the more fun aspects of blogging is the record of what you were doing and thinking at various points in your past. Some of my posts can still make me smile or cry. Some are funny to read to see the progress in my writing and my mindset over the years. And some? Well, some are just plain embarrassing:)

I recently unearthed one of my first posts from January 2012. I was so new, I even approved an obvious spam comment on the original post just because I was so excited to have someone, even if it was a bot, comment on my page. Even though I was a neophyte at the time, I still find some good points in this post. See what you think.

Oh, and if you’re a spam bot, don’t waste your time trying to comment. I’m smarter now:)

 

Myths…or Mythical Thinking

The article, 3 Myths About Happy Marriages on PsychCentral introduced myths that are based on the work of John Gottman, Ph.D and his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I think these myths, although possessing some truth, are a bit of a slippery slope.

Myth 1: Better Communication Will Not Save Your Marriage

If the marriage is on rocky footing, talking will not bring in the rescue copters.  And, as the article states, it is difficult to remain calm and rational in the midst of a perceived attack (I know those “I” statements well, after growing up with a counselor for a mom, and even I can’t maintain that poise in a heated discussion).  My concern comes from the implication that communication is not important;  that a marriage can exist in the spaces between withheld information.  I cannot work well with a coworker when there is not adequate communication; I’m not sure how a marriage is supposed to thrive.

Myth 2: Avoiding Conflict Will Kill Your Marraige

Not every need can be expected to be met, and sometimes conflict is just because of a grouchy mood,but there is a danger to not addressing legitimate concerns.  In retrospect, I realize that my marriage was conflict-avoidant; I tended to shy away from problems due to anxiety and my ex-husband refrained from conflict in order to not trigger my anxiety.   As a result, the problems grew too large for anyone to face.

Myth 3: Reciprocity Underlies Happy Marriages

I once knew a couple who kept a scorecard on the fridge to keep track of the “he dids” and “she dids.”  I don’t think they were very happy!  However, I do think reciprocity is essential in a marriage  in terms of mutual respect, and that this respect takes the form of acts of service or kindness for the other person.  Tallies shouldn’t have to be drawn, but each person should be operating with the other in mind.

All marriages are different (my current relationship is quite unlike my marriage in many ways), but I think that each of these myths has a place in a healthy relationship.

11 Tips For Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When we are young and our hearts are relatively intact, love seems to be an easy endeavor. Potential partners are everywhere and the possibilities seem endless. As we get older (or, as I prefer to think of it, wiser), love no longer seems so simple. We are more aware of the pitfalls and are more critical of potential partners. Our hearts are laced with cracks and we fear any other breakages. We become more accustomed to our ways and less likely to want to change them.

Finding love again is possible but it takes a different approach than before. Read the rest here.

The Second Time Around

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am as familiar with the statistics as anyone – two thirds of second marriages are expected to end in divorce. There are many factors often cited for this depressing outcome. The family unit is more diverse and less cohesive. The children tend to be older and more independent, thus staying together for the sake of the kids is less of an issue. The ghosts of spouses past can continue to haunt the new marriage. Perhaps one or both partners moved too quickly into a new relationship rather than allowing sufficient time to heal from the divorce or to address underlying issues. Or, maybe they spent so much time single that partnered life with its compromises and complexities is no longer a fit. And, of course, there is the fact that once you have been divorced and survived, it may be easier to tread that path again.

Regardless of the reasons, the numbers are clear. Second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions. But, when it comes to relationships, I don’t care about statistics. I care about individual marriages, including my own. And, rather than focus on the added challenges that can impact subsequent marriages, I choose to acknowledge the ways that a marriage can be better the second time around.

Value

I took my first marriage and my first husband for granted. He was always there and I assumed he would always be there. It wasn’t that I treated him poorly or neglected the marriage, I just didn’t understand the fragility of it and that it could disappear so easily. Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

Holiday Survival Tips for the Divorced and Separated

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There is no season more polarizing than the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. For some, it is eagerly anticipated as they welcome the time with family and tradition. For others, it is a season filled with dread, as it has an uncanny ability to highlight what we do not have. For those in transition from one life to another, from partnered to single, from big family to small, it can be a tricky season to navigate but a little effort and reframing can go a long way. The following are some tips for the divorced and separated that can can help you reclaim your holiday rather than hiding from it.

Let Go of the Way it Was

It will not be the way it was before. Don’t even try to make it stay the same. It is an exercise in futility. But here is the most important part – just because it is different does not mean it cannot be just as good. Or even better.

We resist change. It’s normal. We prefer things to stay the same rather than to venture into the unknown. Change is scary but it also means that the rules have been lifted.

If you have kids, this is a good conversation to have with them. Let them know that the season will not be the same. Remind them of other changes in their lives that were scary and unfamiliar at first but that turned out to be good – the birth of a sibling, the change of a grade, the move into a new home. You are their model for how to handle change. Wear it well.

Put Yourself on a Media Diet

Sometimes I think that the Christmas ads and movies have to be sponsored by the drug companies that make antidepressants. There is nothing so disheartening as to constantly compare your life with the saccharine-sweet images of perfection that bombard us ever winter.

It’s impossible to avoid them all but you can limit your exposure. Put down the Pintrest. Walk away from Facebook. Record your TV shows and avoid the commercials. I would not, however, recommend wearing a blindfold at Target. You might accidentally purchase a reindeer sweater.

Consciously choose to read and watch and listen to things that build you up. That remind you of what is really important. That make you feel good about your life.

Give it Away

There is no better way to shut down a pity party than to give to others. If you are unanchored during the holidays, it is a perfect opportunity to volunteer. You can find opportunities at your local churches, through a Meetup group or through a local charity. Inquire at a nearby hospital or senior center. There is always a need for volunteers during the holidays. If you don’t like the idea of being around people, volunteer to help out at an animal shelter. Make or wrap gifts to send to children or troops. You can touch others lives even if you never leave the house and that connection will help to make the holiday better for both of you.

Create New Traditions

Try to see this as an inspiring time to create new traditions. The sky is your limit. Who says that Thanksgiving has to mean a formal turkey dinner? Where is it written that Christmas must occur around a tree? After my parents split, my mom decided that Thanksgiving was meant to be carried out in a campground, a tradition that Brock and I uphold today. I know of other families or individuals that take trips. Some redecorate. By starting a new tradition, you are staking claim on the holiday, controlling it rather than letting it dictate how you will feel.

I May Not be Traditional

Reschedule the Holiday

For those of you in the difficult position of not having custody of your kids on the holidays (whether every year or every other), this can be a powerful tool for you if you know how to use it. Use the calendar to your advantage. We often receive more happiness from the anticipation of an event rather than the event itself. If you do not have your kids on Christmas, reschedule your holiday (and remember, you can make it whatever you want) for a few days or weeks later. This gives you something to look forward to when your ex has the kids and capitalizes on the inevitable letdown that kids have after the frenzy of the holiday.

Redefine Family

I have had the wonderful experience of being “adopted” into various homes over the years to celebrate the holidays. The invitations were usually offered after the usual “What are your plans for Christmas” exchanges. I am so thankful for the families that included me over the years. Yes, sometimes I felt like the odd one out, but mostly I just felt loved and supported. There are most likely families in your life that would happy to extend an invitation to you. Just be open and willing.

Brock and I now are able to be the home for other Christmas “orphans.” If you are in a position where you can have people over, look around you for others that may not have a place to go. Ask them. And remember, you can create your own traditions. In our home, we tend towards Mexican lasagna and martial arts videos. Not quite traditional, but quickly becoming tradition:)

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Spontaneity and Silliness Are Your Allies

This is a great time to practice saying yes. Yes to new opportunities. Yes to smiles. Yes to chances. Don’t take it or yourself too seriously. Get out of your head and just be. I recommend doing something you suck at to encourage the giggles. For me that’s not too hard. Ice skating or anything requiring a downhill usually does the trick. It’s hard to be morose when you’re constantly falling on your butt.

I’ve Fallen, But I Can Get Up!

Embrace the Solitude

All of that being said, there is no way around the basic truth. Those first few holidays without your partner can be horribly lonely. Isolating. It’s a bitter reminder of what you had and what no longer exists.

Face the loneliness and then, go one further, and embrace the solitude.

Some of my most powerful and spiritual experiences have been in those moments. Those solo hikes through empty woods. Those isolated drives insulated from the rest of the world. Those moments in a crowd where I seemed to be the only one without a mate.

Feel the power within yourself. Recognize that you can chose how you want to feel and you can create a holiday season that is meaningful for you.

Even if it includes awful reindeer sweaters.

 

On My Terms

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My cat has always been affectionate.

But she has only recently become wise.

For most of her 17 years, she would only allow affection on her terms. If she was picked up, she would squirm out while uttering an irritated yowl. If she was caressed, she would walk away, only to return later to demand attention when she was ready.

When she was the affection instigator, she would stay still for hours, soaking up the strokes and vibrating the air with her purrs.

She loved to be loved. But only on her terms.

At some point in her advancing years, she must have calculated that by accepting affection only on her terms, she was limiting the amount of attention she would receive. Perhaps she learned this from watching the dogs, who were always willing to accept care, even if it interrupted their important activities.

She still approaches and asks for affection when she wants it. But now she accepts it when it is offered. Instead of jumping out of encircling embraces, she snuggles in and closes her eyes in feline ecstasy. Instead of running away from an approaching hand, she now meets it halfway, stroking herself along her head.

She learned to accept love. Even if is wasn’t on her terms.

And I learned from watching her.

I suppose you could say that my ex was fluent in my love languages; he knew how to express affection and love to me in a way that I understood.

When Brock and I first started dating, I was much like my cat in her younger days. I wanted affection on my terms: at a time when I wanted it and in a method I preferred. When it was offered at a different time or in a different format, I would turn away.

Around the same time, I read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It opened my eyes in two ways, one which Chapman intended. And another that he did not.

First, the book helped me to realize how Brock expressed affection. Some things that I found silly or irritating (when they interrupted my flow) were actually his way of expressing love. Just recognizing that changed my response to those actions. I approached rather than turn away.

The book advocates sharing your love language with your partner and then helping him or her learn how to speak your language.

This is where I disagree.

I am not going to travel to Italy and expect them to learn English.

Nor am I going to enter into a relationship and demand that he learn to speak my love language.

That’s accepting love only on my terms.

And, as my cat learned, that’s limiting.

My cat still teaches us how she likes to be petted, guiding hands to her favorites spots. But she still enjoys the attention even when we miss the mark.

You can teach your partner how you like to receive love. But accept his or her gifts even when they are in a different form.

Instead of expecting your partner to convert to your language, try learning to recognize and accept theirs. You may be surprised at how much love is there when you are receptive instead of critical.

And, as the cat has learned, purrs are better than yowls any day.