If Divorce Came With a Warning Label
Just Because It Happened To You, Does Not Mean It Happened Because of You
Rejection always hurts.
From the lack of an invite to a classmate’s party to the failure of a job offer, we feel the pain of being dismissed.
And when that rejection slip comes from our partner?
Let’s just say the pain is searing. Unescapable.
fMRI results have shown that the agony of rejection follows the same neural pathways as physical pain. It is real. And it can be devastating.
We all have an innate drive to want to be accepted. To be recognized and wanted. As social creatures, we have evolved to need the group and to fear being ostracized.
The worst feeling in the world is not to be seen and hated. It is to be invisible and discarded.
When rejection from relative strangers occurs, we often rationalize the reasons:
“I wasn’t invited to the party because she is a stuck-up snob.”
“They didn’t accept my proposal because they’re short-sighted morons.”
“He didn’t call me back because he lost my number.”
“I was passed over for the job because I am over-qualified.”
It’s easy to perform this ego-preserving mental choreography when we do not intimately know the rejector and the rejector does not fully know us. We can depersonalize the experience, shifting the reasons for the refusal to the other person while protecting our own sense of self and worth.
But when the rejection comes from the one that knows you best?
The one that promised he or she would always be there?
The one with whom you felt safe exposing your deepest fears and greatest vulnerabilities?
It’s personal.
I felt like I was discarded like so much garbage. No longer able to provide utility or beauty. Lacking in key features as I was replaced with a newer model. I trusted this man, had valued his opinions for years. So when he indicated I wasn’t enough, it was easy to believe him.
I think my desperate quest to label him was not only coming from a need to understand why, but also from a need to prove that his judgement was somehow faulty. That I was rejected because of something in him rather than something in me.
It’s so difficult not to internalize intimate rejection.
We all too easily assume that because it happened to us, it must have happened because of us. Sometimes we’re just collateral damage.
We take rejection by our partners personally.
He or she turns down a proposal of sex? It must because of the five extra pounds you’re carrying.
He or she is withdrawn? You must have said or done something to make him or her angry.
He or she requests time alone? It must be because you’re not wanted.
Yet much of the time, what we perceive as a personal attack has more to do with our partners than ourselves.
Perhaps sex was refused because of pressures at work.
Maybe the withdrawing was due to a sense of being overwhelmed.
And the alone time may just be a need to breathe.
Don’t let one person determine your value.
One of the biggest problems of internalizing rejection within a relationship is that it lays the groundwork for the marriage-destroying pursuer-distancer dance. The more the rejected partner feels abandoned, the more he or she desperately pursues attention and affection. The more the distancer feels hounded, the more he or she retreats and withdraws.
It’s a common pattern. And often a deadly one, slowly starving the marriage of trust and intimacy. If you feel rejected, it’s easy to respond with a frantic attempt to be wanted.
And when the rejection comes at the end of a marriage?
It’s all too easy to respond the same way. Looking for worth and validation from anyone that will provide it. And holding on too tightly will suffocate any relationship.
Your worth can only come from within. And no rejection can ever take that away.
Rejection is about opinion, not fact.
When someone we love suddenly makes claims that we are substandard, we often believe them. Take their assertions as facts. Truth.
When they are actually opinion.
Opinion that may easily be influenced by other factors.
When I first read the suicide note that my ex sent to his other wife and my mother, I felt worthless. He spent full paragraphs discussing how impossible I was followed by more paragraphs singing the other wife’s praises.
Of course he did. By demonizing me, he justified his actions. By discounting me, he secured his own value. And by praising her, he stood a chance of winning her back.
I was rejected because he could not continue to hide the truth.
I was rejected because he needed an escape.
I was rejected because he convinced himself that I had already rejected him.
I was rejected because of his opinions. And I no longer care what he thinks.
It’s a delicate ego dance learning to sift through the facts of the rejection to see if there is some truth to be learned.
Cheaters and deceivers often try to place the burden of the blame for their actions at the feet of their spouse. They act out of selfishness and greed and then claim that “you made me do it.” Yet nobody ever makes anyone else do something. Their choices are theirs alone.
Still, sometimes there is a bigger picture. Nothing you did or didn’t do make your partner act a certain way. But that doesn’t mean you have nothing to learn.
There is a difference between taking the blame for someone else’s actions and accepting responsibility for your own.
One man’s trash is another person’s treasure.
Just because one person took you out to the curb, doesn’t mean you have to stay there.
Reject their opinion of you and form your own.
Someone will see you for the treasure you are.
Affair-Proof
Whenever I stumble across the words “affair-proof,” my mind responds like the Incredible Hulk — raging and ready to rip. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wish I could find solace in those words and place my faith in their sanctity.
But I can’t.
Because there is no such thing as an affair-proof relationship.
It simply doesn’t exist. And pretending that it does only causes additional pain and heartbreak.
Implied in those words is the understanding that if an affair occurs, the betrayed obviously did not perform his or her duties effectively to affair-proof the marriage. It places the blame for the infidelity squarely on the shoulders on the one who was cheated upon. Read the rest here.
The 8 Types of Friends You Need During Divorce
It is normal for your marriage to be at the center of your social life. You have a built-in activity partner. You share friends. The “plus one” is expected when you receive an invitation.
And then the marriage dies.
Your go-to is gone. The mutual friends may be divvied up like a bag of Skittles, or they may simply scatter as though the bag of candy was dropped to the floor.
It is tempting to hide. To hibernate. You may want to pull the covers over your head and not come out until the debris field has been cleared. It’s tempting, but it won’t help you heal. Think of the skin under a bandage that has been left on too long. Is that what you want your heart to look like?
Hopefully you have some stalwart friends who stick by your side. These are the ones who don’t run from your tears or hide from your rants. Treasure these friends. They are true.
Eventually, you will tire of being seen as the “divorcing one.” You will want to try on new guises and play with new personas. This is a wonderful opportunity to try new things and meet new people. Surround yourself with others who have a zest for life, even if they only flit in and out of your life for a moment. Let them teach you. It is a time to win friends and be influenced by people. Practice saying “yes” to experiences you would have avoided before. Celebrate. Laugh. Live. Then go home and cry if you need to.
No one friend can meet all of your needs during divorce. The following types of friends are priceless as you navigate your divorce:
The Rational Friend
Divorce has a way of making you go a little crazy. You do and say things that you normally would not and your common sense seems to disappear. Your rational friend is the one who talks you out of your impulse to plaster your ex’s face on a billboard or desire to date out of revenge. This is the friend that gives you sage and mature advice and doesn’t partake in your ex-bashing sessions.
The Let it All Hang Out Friend
Of course, sometimes you want someone to help you in you ex-bashing. That’s when you turn to this friend. This is the confidant that will hold nothing back and tell it like is. Loudly. Usually over drinks. This friend will help you purge the negative emotions as you cuss and scream and cry and laugh, often all at the same time.
The Friend Who Knew You Before
During divorce, you often feel like you’re losing part of yourself. Especially if you were in the marriage for a long time, it’s difficult to remember who you were prior to the relationship. This friend can help you reacquaint with the earlier and more innocent you. These are the friends that often fade into the background when we are married. Take this time to reconnect with the friends of your youth and let them remind you of your spirit.
The Friend You Only Met After
When you are in the process of divorce, your marital status is often front and center in your interactions. Eventually, this gets old and you just want to be you. Or maybe you even want to be someone a little different that who you were during your marriage, but your existing friends already have you typecast. Take this opportunity to make new friends. You can tell them about the divorce. Or not.
The Fun Friend
This is the friend that will get you off the couch and have you doing something you never thought you would try. They may call with a party invitation one week and an offer to drive cross-country the next. They will drag you out of your comfort zone kicking and screaming. But then you’ll be laughing so hard that you don’t care.
The Hot Friend
Well, you are single now, aren’t you? This easy-on-the-eyes companion is great when you’re starting to awaken to the opposite sex again but you are nowhere near ready to venture into the dating world. This friend gives you a chance to flirt and feel attractive and sexual again. In some cases this may go further; however, I personally recommend keeping sex and your friends separate, especially when you are vulnerable.
The Non-Human Friend
Animals can make the best companions when we’re having a rough time. They truly practice unconditional love and will never judge you. On those days when talking with a human friend is simply too overwhelming, try connecting with a fur buddy. Kisses are optional but always nice:)
The True Friend
This is the friend that lets you be the real you, whether that be sobbing in the fetal position on the floor or putting on a way too short skirt for your first post-divorce date. This is the companion who will pick you up, give you a place to live and a purpose for living.
You may not have all of these types of friends in your life at the time of the divorce. I know I did not. I had to make the choice and the consistent effort to find and build friendships. I joined Meetup.com, I talked to people I met at the gym or coffee shop and I accepted invitations even when I wanted to hide. I met new friends and strengthened existing bonds. Many of those people are still in my life today while others made their influence and moved on.
Your world will stabilize again. Friendships will build. You will learn to navigate without the “plus one.” Until that time, reach out and make some new friends even if only for a day. And, you never know, you may just find a new “plus one.”
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 