The Five Most Important Characteristics For a Successful Marriage (or Remarriage)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
successful marriage

When it comes to looking for a partner, we are not all looking for the same things. Some gravitate towards outward beauty while others are more concerned with what is inside. Some prefer creative types and some fall for the pragmatic. One person’s tall drink of water is another person’s cold shower.

And that’s okay.

Yet even though we are all drawn to different people and attracted by different traits, there are five characteristics that are so critical that we not only should seek them out in others, we should also learn to cultivate them in ourselves and nurture them in our relationships.

These five characteristics form the basis for a successful marriage or remarriage:

Curiosity

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Curiosity replaces judgment with wonder, assumptions with observations. When you’re curious about your partner, you ask before you reach conclusions and you listen to the responses with an open mind. When you’re curious about your world, you take in more and react less. Curiosity keeps you open and flexible, interested and interesting. It replaces the fear of uncertainty with the marvel of “what if?”

Adaptability

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The relationship you have today will not be the same one you have next year. There will be different pressures, some lifted and some replaced. Your perspective will be altered, your mood perhaps as well. And in order for a relationship to navigate these changes, it must be adaptable and flexible. A marriage formed by interconnected moving parts that change and bend to the surrounding terrain instead of insisting upon a fixed rigidity. It’s easy to see responding to change as weak, when really it’s the adaptable who survive.

Responsibility

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In a happy partnership, each person owns their own stuff. They’re not looking for a savior or for somebody to heal their past wounds. They are willing to admit what is theirs to carry and they learn how to shoulder their own load. When challenges come, they respond with rationality and ingenuity instead of blame or defensiveness. And they also don’t rely on their partners for the good times, understanding that their happiness is their own responsibility.

Hilarity

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It’s just life. Nobody makes it out alive, so you may as well enjoy the journey. Seek out a partner that knows how to laugh. That can find the humor in the darkest of places and is able to share that light with others. Humor is an antidote for tedium, a balm for sadness and an extinguisher of frustration. Apply it liberally and often.

Tenacity

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There will be hard days. There will be days that you wonder if it’s worth it. Days when you question your own spouse and your own judgment. Grit is the trait that makes you find a different way, try a little harder, put forth just a bit more effort. Tenacity provides the push when you’re afraid and the fuel when you’re just too tired to take one more step. A successful marriage has staying power not because of its perfection, but because of the persistence of its constituent parts.

And remember, it’s important to be what you want to attract. So before you berate someone for not having these characteristics, look at yourself first.

A successful marriage begins with you.

Learning From My Mistakes: How My Second Husband is Different Than My First

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second husband

Whenever I work with a client who is starting to think about dating again after divorce, I advise them to first make a list of the traits/characteristics they are looking for in their next partner.

Their initial results are usually so similar it’s comical – “I want someone totally different from my ex. I want someone with integrity and who will address issues head-on.”

I often find myself nodding along since my wish-list was much the same.

It was strange dating at first. I wanted different yet I also longed for the familiar. I found myself attracted to men that were way too similar to my ex (can you say trauma reenactment?) and not always drawn to the ones that had the qualities I was looking for. It’s definitely a time when impulses may not be trustworthy and it’s worth moving slowly and with intention.

There have been times when Brock wonders if I was only attracted to him because he is the polar opposite (his words) of my ex. The reality is much more than that and not one I’m sure I can ever completely explain to him. Yes, in some ways (critical and positive ways) he is the opposite of my first husband. In other ways, he and my ex have some overlapping similarities (areas of interest and compatibility).

But I wasn’t attracted to him because he was the opposite. The divorce highlighted for me what was important in a partner. And that starts with being a good person. I was no longer the same, naive girl that pledged her life to her teenage beau and was petrified of losing him. I was stronger and, as a result, I wanted someone stronger and independent as well. And my ideas of how I wanted the rest of my life to look were changing and I wanted someone who fit my emerging vision.

Basically, once I knew better, I wanted to do better.

Here are those critical ways that my second husband is different than my first –

Passionate

As I write this, my husband is at a Ju Jitsu seminar. I grumble sometimes about his commitment to the sport, but underneath that is a pride in his efforts and achievements. He amazes me in his ability to push through pain and keep going even when the goal feels so far away. His presence on the mat inspires both respect and fear in his opponents. I love that he completely immerses himself in something that is healthy, goal-oriented, inspirational and seriously bad-a$$.

My first husband was a driven man (his self-taught expertise in modeling software was evidence of that), but he had no real passions outside video games. In retrospect, this lack of purpose, of focus, left him rudderless when life’s waters became rough.

Alpha

Brock is an Alpha. Confident. Strong unapologetic male energy. And that’s good for me in a couple ways. First, I have an intensity myself and I appreciate someone who will call me out when necessary. Someone who isn’t a blind supplicant.  Also, I often feel like I’m not feminine enough and so I enjoy the contrast between our energies. As an Alpha, he is straight-talking and upfront. It’s not always decorous, but it’s always reflective of what he’s thinking.

I have nothing against non-alpha men. I have many in my life that I love and respect. What I didn’t respect in my ex was how he never challenged me and how he would quietly manipulate while pretending to be the nice guy. He was a beta who wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. That was the problem.

Helper

Some of the times I have loved Brock the most is when I have seen him come to the aide of a stranger. He is never one to turn away from someone in need, whether it be a man walking down the street with a gas can on a 100 degree day or a panicked woman pulled over after skidding on ice. Even when the situation could be risky or a scam, he jumps in, ready to assist. And when he’s done, he just turns and walks away, expecting nothing in return.

My ex also did nice things for people. He built a toy chest for a neighbor’s child. He would pick up the check. But here’s the difference (and it’s a crucial one) – Brock would make an anonymous donation whereas my ex would expect his name on a plaque.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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7 Revealing Truths About People Who Cannot Be Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear quite frequently from people wondering how and why their exes enter into new relationships so quickly, as though one foot must always be grounded in a partnership. They question if the displayed and professed love is real or if it is merely a show. They are curious how their former love seemed to move on so quickly while they are still struggling to simply let go.

Over the years of discussion and observation, I have seen the following characteristics appear time and time again in those who seem to always jump from one relationship into another. As with any generalizations, these traits will not fit all people equally.

Those that are perpetually in relationships tend to be romantics. They believe in soulmates and True Love and believe that it’s simply a matter of trying on partners until you find the one with the right fit. Romantics love the rush of a new relationship and truly believe that this time, it’s the one.

Relationship-hoppers are optimistic, rather than view past failed relationships as a sign of something wrong, they frame it as a sign that they need to try again. They aren’t the type to be bitter about former flames or love in general. They don’t spend time beating themselves or their exes up. They just move on.

The never-single tend to be giving, generous with their time and their attention. They may take this too far and develop their own self-worth through what they do for others. Or, they may give as a way of strengthening the attachment (think the stereotypical “sugar daddy” arrangement).

People that can’t be alone are often insecure. Perhaps they define their worth through the value of the partner on their arm. Or they believe that they are not enough on their own and so they seek guidance from a lover. They see themselves reflected in their significant other.

An avoidance of singlehood is also a sign of dependence on others. I frequently find that they had a domineering mother or were the youngest child. These are often people that have been conditioned to not think for themselves. Being alone for them triggers more than just loneliness, it brings with it an inability to cope.

Not wanting to be alone frequently arises out of fearfulness. They are afraid to be unloved. Scared to face life’s challenges alone. Worried that they will never find love (again) and so they jump at any chance just in case it’s the final opportunity. They may be afraid of the world and their favored hiding place is within the confines of a relationship.

The always-partnered may be unreflective. They are more prone to external action than introspection and self analysis. This lack of soul-searching helps them move on quickly, but can also mean that they carry the same problems with them into successive relationships.

There is no “right” amount of time to wait between relationships. The time needed is different for every person and every situation.

If you think you may have a tendency to rush into relationships too soon, read this. It will give you some points to consider.

If you are wondering how your ex could move on so quickly, remember that you’re only seeing part of the picture, the part they want you to see. And their story is no longer yours. No matter what they’re up to, you do you!

10 Things Your Decision to Get Remarried Says About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
 
Samuel Johnson
1 – You’re Optimistic
You’ve been there, done that. And yet you stubbornly believe that it can go better this time. You don’t allow past experience to poison your hope for the future.
2 – You’re Courageous
You’ve made the decision to put your heart on the line again. You know you’re taking a chance and you believe the risk is worth it.
3 – You Trust Yourself
You have faith not only in your choice of mate, but in your ability to navigate through rocky marital waters. Furthermore, you trust that you’ll be okay no matter what happens.
4 – You Don’t Give In To Failure
You got knocked down, but you got up again. You see failure as an opportunity, not a death sentence.
5 – You Know When to Walk Away
You’ve now seen all sides of a marriage and you have a better grasp on when to try harder and when to walk away. You’re more confident in your choices.
6 – You Refuse to Let One Event Define You
You have been though divorce but you don’t see yourself as the divorce. It was simply one chapter of your life’s path. And one chapter doesn’t limit the next one.
7 – You Believe That You Can Have More Than One Love
You’re not limited by the idea of a single “soulmate.” You believe that life can bring with it more than one true love. And that the second one can be even better than the first.
8 – You’ve (Hopefully) Learned From Experience
You have faced the mistakes you made in your first marriage and you have addressed the issues that you struggle with. You’re now applying this wisdom.
9 – You’re Not Afraid of Hard Work
You know that marriages, especially second marriages, require continuous (and often uncomfortable) effort. And that doesn’t scare you. You’re ready to put your gloves on.
10 – You’re Adaptable and Don’t Fear Change
From single to married to single to married, you’ve made many changes. You’re flexible and willing to adapt in order to have the relationship you want.
Be sure to also read 10 Things Your Decision to Stay Single Says About You!

There’s No Disappear Here (So When Will I Believe It?)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had another…episode…a couple weeks ago. It was another convoluted mess of abandonment fears, distrust of my perceptions and feelings of not being enough.

In other words, the usual.

Not the usual as in that I usually feel that way. But the usual in that whenever I have a rough day, that’s always what it’s distilled to at the end. And I’ve learned that these rough days don’t usually occur in isolation; there’s a smattering of them over a period of weeks or months until the particular offending mental remnant is identified and hopefully neutralized.

I always end up feeling sorry for Brock in these exchanges. He ends up having to deal with the effects of my tsunami divorce – my lack of belief in words, my distrust of the security of a “good” marriage, my continual struggles with self-doubt and my conviction to never allow myself to be in that same position again.

The morning after (no emotional hangover this time!!!) this particular exchange, I found sticky notes with various declarations of love and affection around the house.

And then I saw this one. And I felt another layer of my old wounds close.

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It referenced a statement he made the previous night when I mentioned my continued difficulties with trusting my own perceptions and judgment.

There’s no disappear here.

Four words. Big meaning.

A promise to face problems rather than to run away.

A promise to refrain from stonewalling or retreating.

A promise to put effort into the relationship.

A promise to step up rather than step out.

Those words don’t expect perfection. They don’t deny that there will be challenges. They accept that we will have hard times and that we can overcome most anything if we both make the promise to show up and speak up.

And for some reason, even though Brock has expressed similar in words and actions for the duration of our relationship, this simple phrase resonated in a way that I could actually hear it.

And hopefully even start to believe it.