After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The affair has been uncovered. The decision has been made to try to save the relationship. There’s a constant tension though – the one who has been betrayed feels the need to talk about it all of the time (“I want you to understand the pain you have put me through”) and the one who cheated wants to put it behind them and move on (“If you keep punishing me for the past, we’ll never make it”).

As with everything, there is no one-size-fits all answer here and both perspectives have some valid points.

 

If you cheated on your partner,

When they first discover the affair, expect the tears and the anger to be ever-present. Their entire world has just collapsed. They though that you were their rock, that they count count on you, and that foundation has just been abruptly pulled from beneath their feet. They will probably say some very harsh things. It won’t be rational because they have been thrown into full-on fight or flight. This is not the time to be defensive or to try to correct assumptions, even if they’re off-base. Your role right now is just to take it (as long as it doesn’t move into threatening territory).

And yes, it sucks to be attacked, to be villainized. But guess what? It sucks to be cheated on too. They didn’t ask for this. You made choices and those choices have consequences. It’s time for you to take responsibility, and some of that is being open and willing to listen to their pain.

Now obviously, if this emotional intensity continues and the affair is an ever-present topic of conversation, the relationship cannot heal. But you don’t get to control your spouse’s reactions or dictate the timeline of their healing. You’ve already taken away their agency by having the affair. You don’t get to tell them how to move on. There is a difference between you being uncomfortable because you cannot hide from your poor choices and your spouse deliberately using your past to hurt you.

You don’t have to stay in a position where you are feeling constantly punished for an extended period of time. Just like they have the right to say, “I just can’t get over what you have done and I think we should end things,” you have the right to set your boundaries around this too.

 

If you have been cheated on,

In the beginning, you need to talk. Your pain demands to be heard, you are desperately seeking understanding and you’re trying to process this enormous thing that has completely upended your life. Obviously – and understandably, some of this will be directed at your spouse. Yet make sure that they are not your only outlet. These feelings you’re carrying are big and are best distributed. Seek out a therapist or support group, a trusted friend or two and a journal. These become especially important as time passes and your healing is on a different schedule than the one the relationship is on.

It’s natural to want to know every detail about the affair as you try to regain some sense of control over your life. Yet this information has diminishing returns and focusing too much on the play-by-play keeps the energy in the past. It’s also understandable that you have the impulse to share every time you’re triggered. After all, they are the ones that planted that seed to begin with. It makes sense to share these when they first emerge so that you can talk through them together. Yet if it’s the tenth time that you’ve driven by a certain spot and your stomach plummets, it may not need mentioning. After all, they already know that this location bothers you and they can’t make that association disappear for you.

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

 

The 5 Types of Apologies Cheaters Use

Posted on by stilllearning2b

They’re been caught cheating. Or, they decided to come clean about the affair. Some of the first words out of their mouth are,

“I’m sorry.“

You want desperately to believe those words, to believe that they feel true remorse for the pain they have caused you. Yet, past event shave also proven to you that they will lie.

As you suspect, there may be more to their apology than meets the eye.

Here are five types of apologies that cheaters may use:

 

1 – I’m sorry that I got caught.

They are not sorry they did it, they are simply sorry that they have been found out. Often this sort of apology presents with irritation and comes off as insincere. Instead of making changes to end the affair and reinvest in the marriage, they instead double down on their efforts to hide their indiscretions. They may blame you for snooping, their friends for being busybodies or the affair partner for not being careful.

 

2 – I’m saying sorry to try to smooth things over.

Nobody likes others to be upset with them or disappointed in them. This is even true for cheaters. So they apologize, not because they are truly sorry, but because they don’t like having this discord at home. They hope that they can placate with their verbal amends so that you will no longer respond with anger, rejection or sadness towards them. Pay attention to what surrounds the apology. Are they using gifts or physical touch in an attempt to calm or distract you? Also, a sign of this sort of apology is that it is only expressed when your emotions are running high.

 

3 – I’m sorry that you’re upset.

This one has some empathy to it. They see that you’re in pain and they don’t like to see you hurting. The problem here is that there is a disconnect between their actions and your feelings and they are failing to take responsibility for their part in causing you pain. This sort of apology usually presents with other selfish patterns of behavior. Even though they don’t like to see you hurt or inconvenienced, their own desires always take precedence.

 

4 – I’m saying sorry in an ongoing attempt to manipulate the situation.

When this type of apology is used, it comes with the expectation of a particular outcome. They are saying they are sorry with the caveat that you are no longer allowed to bring up their transgressions or that you will not threaten to leave. Look out for guilt trips and gaslighting as they try to turn this around to be about you.

 

5 – I am truly sorry for what I have done.

When people are truly sorry, their language will reflect that. Instead of speaking in third person or generalizations (“When the affair happened”), they use “I” statements to demonstrate ownership (“When I crossed the line into an affair”). They take responsibility for their actions and refrain from blaming you, the affair partner, or outside factors, even while accepting that other variables may have had an influence on their decisions. Another sign of a genuine apology is that they are taking the initiative and not expecting you to help them regulate their own emotional responses.

True remorse is expressed with no strings attached. They say it and then give you the space to do with it what you choose.

Finally, an authentic apology always comes with changed behavior. Because without that, it is simply another empty promise.

And if you didn’t get an apology, this post is for you.

How to Ease the Torment of Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Finding out that your partner has cheated is a special kind of hell. From the incessant questions that plague your uneasy mind to the sense of rejection and unworthiness, an affair causes pain like no other.

It was only later, once I had gained some perspective on that period in my own life, when I realized that I was unintentionally doing some things that made my torment even worse.

Could you be doing the same and not even realize it?

One of most common side effects of being betrayed is an obsessive drive. This can take the form of wanting to hear every little detail about the affair or the affair partner. It can manifest as a relentless need to analyze the marriage and cheating spouse. Perhaps it takes the form of a fanatical attempt to perform CPR on a struggling marriage.

Regardless of the form, these compulsive thoughts and actions only serve to magnify the torment of infidelity. Fortunately, you do not have to allow these obsessive tendencies to take root and thrive. By making sense of why you’re responding that way, you can begin to find new ways to cope that don’t make you feel even more miserable.

Busyness

Infidelity is an ugly pain. And one we would rather not face. Often, the obsessions act as a distraction from the true issues at hand. This is often the case when the betrayed spouse becomes a self-appointed private investigator tasked with finding out every little detail about the affair partner.

This need for knowledge is driven less by necessity and more by a fear of looking at the cheating spouse and the troubled marriage. The problem is that when we try too hard to avoid something, we unwittingly give it too much power over us. Busyness may keep you from exploring the pain head-on, but it also prolongs the pain as its presence is always felt.

Slow down. Allow yourself to feel. Breathe and trust that you’ll be able to handle whatever emotions come your way.

Control

 

Being cheated on is like discovering that you’ve been a blindfolded passenger in a runaway train. And a common reaction to this discovery is an intense need to control everything. This relentless drive can manifest in a variety of ways, from an obsession with a new diet or exercise program to an overwhelming urge to know every detail about your spouse’s location and actions.

There is some comfort felt initially by exerting this control. It makes the world feel a little less scary and a little more predictable. Ultimately, however, this need for control becomes it own source of misery because control always has its limitations.

Rather than trying to keep the unknown from ever happening, strive to build your faith and confidence in yourself. You may not be able to stop it from occurring, but you can survive it.

Purpose

 

One of the cruelest aspects of infidelity is that the unfaithful spouse holds most of the power – they can decide if they want to end the affair or continue to pursue it, they can commit to working on the marriage or they can elect to keep hiding behind lies and misdirection.

And a sense of purpose helps to counteract the awful feeling of waiting. Purpose in life is important. It gives us a reason to keep going even when the going gets tough. It gives us a sense of the bigger picture and the connection between ourselves and others.

After an affair, purpose is often misappropriated. What feels important is really just noise and the all-consuming drive can overwhelm. Obsessive purpose often mutates, taking on a life of its own. And taking over your life with it.

Rather than making the affair and its components your focus, shift your purpose to yourself and your own wellbeing. Put your energy into making you better. That’s never a waste.

Understanding

 

I think every betrayed spouse utters the words, “How could you do this?” at least once. And the need to understand why and how can easily become a neurotic obsession. A belief that once that question is answered, everything will again make sense and moving on can begin to happen.

Yet the truth is that no explanation will ever suffice. There is no reason that will excuse the pain or the betrayal. And strangely enough, accepting this can lead to a place where you are able to view the entire marriage and affair with a more rational eye, which is where you can find some insight into the particular environment that allowed this betrayal to grow.

Understanding doesn’t happen when you aggressively demand it. It comes when you are ready to listen and accept with an open mind.

Release

Being betrayed is scary. It throws everything into doubt and makes you question your own perceptions and sanity. And all of that fear has energy. Energy that demands to be released.

Undirected, that energy will often find its way out through obsessive acts – refreshing your ex’s Facebook page in an attempt to find information about their new relationship, endless talking and thinking about the betrayal, or planning ways to spy on your repentant spouse.

Find healthier ways to release your energy. Move your body to free your mind.

There is no easy road back to happiness and trust after an affair. The pain is real, the impact significant. So be mindful that you’re not adding to your burden by tormenting yourself. You’ve got enough of that to deal with already.

 

We Want Them to Fight For Us

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We Want Them to Fight For Us

 

When it comes down to being cheated on, I think that was the hardest thing-

That he didn’t see the marriage – didn’t see ME – as something worth fighting for. 

 

I remember reading stories from people who had unfaithful partners who confessed and condemned their own actions, throwing themselves into recovery. I heard about spouses who had made mistakes and once they realized the magnitude of what they were about to lose, fought like hell to keep it. I learned about the pain of relapse and the struggle to again trust the one that betrayed you. I devoured stories of ugly screaming matches, emotions running high as both partners grappled with the magnitude of the shockwave to the relationship.

I envied those people. 

Because my husband never fought at all. 

 

We think we want them to fight for us. But what we really want is for them to WANT to fight for us.

At first, I grew desperate. Even though he refused contact, I sent emails and text messages begging for him to respond to me. To talk to me. I pleaded with him over voice mail, “Please just talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

I never got a response.

It’s natural to panic when we fear we are losing our grip. We beg, we plead, we grow irrational. We believe that if we can just hold tightly enough, that we won’t lose them. 

And it almost always backfires. 

For some, it pushes them away, desperation as repellent. For others, seeing us so panicky makes them feel guilty and, by extension, uncomfortable. And so they try to fight, putting on a good face. But they’re not really fighting for us, they’re playacting to keep us from fighting against them. It’s a hollow victory.

 

When they don’t fight for us, it makes us question our value. 

As the desperation morphed into a begrudging acknowledgement, I grew despondent. This man that fought for so much in his life, refused to even pick up a phone for his wife. For me. Did that mean that I was worth less than his job, his hobbies or, of course, the affair partner?

All I could assume was that, according to his calculus, losing me was not a loss. Which set my value at zero. 

It’s natural for us to see ourselves reflected in our partner. But when they become twisted, that reflection is no longer accurate. They benefit from projection, from painting us as being less than we are in order to pretend to be greater than they are. What they lack, they try to steal from us. 

Perhaps their unwillingness to fight, to face the consequences, is more a reflection of their character and cowardice than of our worth. 

 

When we believe that divorce is not an option, their unwillingness to fight for the marriage makes us feel like a failure. 

When I was in the midst of divorce, I had so many people say to me that, in their marriage, divorce was not an option. 

Well, it wasn’t an option to me either. Until it became a necessity. 

It takes two to make a marriage work, and only one to destroy it.

If you’re the only one fighting to save it, there is nothing to save.

But we don’t give up easily, do we? It’s so hard to accept that they’re not doing their part and that no matter how much we try, we cannot do their part for them. That sometimes, accepting it’s over isn’t quitting, it’s taking care of ourselves.

 

We cannot make them fight for us.

But we can fight for ourselves.

To believe in our worth and settle for nothing less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After Infidelity: When Your Partner Won’t Do the Recovery Work

Posted on by stilllearning2b