Goodbye Perfect

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My new car has its first battle wound. A 4-inch scrape on the rear quarter panel that I spotted after work on Thursday.

My first response was disbelief, how could this laceration be there? Yet its reality was confirmed when it failed to rub off with an improvised buff from the corner of my jacket.

I then became angry. How dare someone assault my car in the parking lot and fail to leave a note? I entertained the idea of driving back to the gym where I had just returned from to look each car in the eye, scanning for guilt.

And then we noticed there were no signs of foreign paint on the car’s body. No lipstick on its collar. So maybe the injury occurred under my watch, even though no reverberations were ever felt nor screeches heard.

I became frustrated with myself.

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

As I surveyed my car, all I could see was the bare metal taunting me through the alien-green skin.

I became overwhelmed as Brock talked body shops and estimates, trying to figure out when I would have time to make a call or take it in. Phone in hand, pulling up the calendar to locate the next school break.

“Take my car tomorrow and I’ll take it in to get an estimate.”

I argued. Dismissed. Both then and through dinner. Not wanting to impose and, even more, not wanting to pay. The release of funds still linked to a release of anxiety.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The estimate arrived via PDF the following afternoon.

$500

Ouch. That hurt almost as much as the wound.

“Don’t worry about it,” I emailed Brock. “I don’t want to pay that much.”

I thought about securing a vinyl tattoo for my car to embrace its scar.

Once I arrived home, Brock walked me through the proposed procedure. On a whim, he continued talking and listening while he located a can of spray polish and vigorously scrubbed the injured area.

And simply by removing the minor associated scuffs, the task at hand seemed doable.

“How about I just order some touch-up paint and we do this ourselves?” I questioned, noting the lack of any deformation in the curve of the body.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

I relaxed.

I realized that I was pushing back against the professional repair for more than just the cost.

The body shop would have restored my car to perfect.

And with perfect comes the pressure to maintain perfection.

Goodbye perfect.

I no longer listen to your siren song.

 

18 Steps to Financial Independence During and After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial independence

It is not uncommon for divorce to initiate a financial crisis. The process itself is expensive. There are real and often high costs associated with splitting a life and creating two households. Health expenses may increase along with your (and possibly your children’s) stress levels. And that’s all assuming that your ex didn’t play dirty with money (as mine most certainly did).

Now that I’m on the other side of my own financial crisis initiated by financial infidelity and exacerbated by the legal process, I thought I’d share with you the specific steps and strategies that worked for me. Some may be pretty common sense, but others may be new to you. Please keep in mind that I am not a legal or financial expert and that the laws vary from state to state. Use these as a starting point as you take the steps back to your own financial independence.

Play By the Rules

This is not always easy to do, especially if your ex is determined to ignore or break every law out there. But it’s important. If you get caught violating the financial guidelines that are set by your state during separation and legal proceedings, you will only serve to compound your problems.

That being said, take the time to learn what is not allowed so that you can manipulate what is permissible. For example, I was not allowed to close any accounts or remove his name from accounts (Including as beneficiary; I was so afraid I would die during the process and he would end up with my retirement and life insurance. Ugh.) However, I was allowed to open up new accounts as long as I did not attempt to hide them (the funds were still considered “marital property,” he just didn’t have direct access). So I immediately opened up new checking and savings accounts and made sure my directly deposited paycheck went directly to me.

Accept Help (If It’s Available)

This is not a time for pride. If you are lucky enough to have friends or family that are able and offer to help, accept it. If you qualify for reduced fee attorney support, take it. If you can locate a counselor that operates on a sliding scale, be honest about your ability to pay. And when a friend offers to take you to lunch or out for drinks, just say “thank you” and worry about evening the score later.

Consider bartering for expenses such as babysitting or car repair. Reach out to your network and explore the opportunities. Be open, honest and creative. You may be surprised at where you’ll find help.

Create An Evolving Budget

Obviously, your budget is now different from when you were living as a married couple. And it will continue to change as the divorce process proceeds. Start your new budget by identifying your more permanent requirements: housing, food, childcare, etc. Then, add in your temporary necessities: attorney and court fees, mediation expenses, counseling, etc. Next, consider areas that may not be a requirement, but that carry great value for you, such as monies set aside to redecorate your space to make it feel safe and inviting.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Revisit the budget frequently in the beginning (at least every couple months). As some of the temporary expenses come and go, it’s important to keep an eye on the big picture and a handle on where the money is going.

Prioritize Free and Cheap Self-Care

It’s easy for anyone, but especially parents, to neglect their health and well-being during divorce. Self-care, particularly during a stressful transition, is critical. You can’t take care of your children if you don’t take care of yourself.

Look up yoga and exercise videos on YouTube. Explore your local parks. Get to know the vendors at the farmer’s market and learn about specials. Find a free meditation class in your city. Check out music and movies for free through your library and cancel the Netflix subscription. Check out Meetup.com for free and inexpensive outings and activities.

Plan For Indulgences

Too much of a sacrificial mindset often backfires (learn how). To counteract that, carefully plan for meaningful indulgences. When money is limited, make sure you invest in the ones that provide the most value for you in that moment. And be aware that these may change over time.

In the first few months, I treated myself to a massage every two months. The non-sexual touch was healing and calming for my frazzled body and mind. Later, I invested in an annual pass for the local botanical gardens, a temporary replacement for my own plants that were left behind in my old life. I always made sure to have a small, regular smile on the horizon to remind me that the situation was temporary.

Adjust Accounts As Needed

Once the divorce is final, you will probably receive the green light to make changes to any accounts that remain in your possession. Revisit beneficiary designations on insurance and retirement accounts. And then verify that requested changes are made (It took the company that holds my smaller retirement account 2 years to finally process the removal of my ex!). Take your decree to the tag office to have your car title transferred into your name. Divorce is a qualifying event for health insurance and decide if you need to remove your ex from your policy. Look at your auto insurance policy and make any needed adjustments.

If your name is changing, make sure to update it on critical documents – driver’s license, passport, etc. Be aware that a discrepancy in name can be a hassle (I’m looking at you, PayPal) and it’s helpful to change it all at once.

10 Struggles Anyone Who Has Been Divorced Will Understand

Create Income

Whether you have always maintained a career or you were a stay-at-home parent, after the legal process is finished is a great time to explore added sources of income. Start by looking to see if there are items from your married life that you wish to sell. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of unloading a cheating ex’s jewelry and walking away with cash:)

Consider if you have any skills or knowledge that can create a passive income stream for you. Don’t worry if it’s just a trickle at first. Every little bit helps you get back on your feet.

Strive For Independence

Perhaps you were awarded alimony or child support from your ex. Or, he or she is expected to pay a certain amount towards attorney fees or to help you get started on your own. And maybe you’ll see all of those payments.

But maybe you won’t.

Child support is the one area where the law is really on your side. But even then, you cannot depend upon the money. Especially when the courts end up locking up a parent for non-payment, thus giving them no way to earn the money in arrears. And outside of child support (and in some states, alimony), you are often on your own dime to try to force payments.

So strive to find financial footing that is separate from your ex. It may not always be possible, but it’s a good goal to have.

Counteract Anger and Fear

Money is never just about money. You may find your anger flare as you face bills and hardships that feel unfair and unplanned for. You may face sleepless nights as you worry about dwindling checking accounts and ever-growing debts.

Temper your anger with gratitude. I kept a gratitude list by my computer and I added one element to it every time I had to pay a bill resulting from his debt. It was a good reminder that the financial infidelity may have been awful, but that my present life was not.

Tame your fears with mindfulness. We often worry ourselves into a rut, one “worst thing possible” following the next. If your money fears are taking over, check out my coaching course on how to thrive after divorce; I give many strategies for working with fear and anxiety. And remember, self-care is critical!

Know Your Taxes

Even if you’re used to doing your own taxes, you may want to call in the professionals for a couple years until everything is straightened out. The rules about who gets what deductions and who claims what income can get muddled. And that’s on top of a system that is already confusing.

If you were the victim of financial infidelity (AKA marital fraud) or otherwise were unaware of what had been filed and monies are owed, you may qualify for Innocent Spouse Relief. You can read more about the program and its requirements here.

Understand Your Student Loan Options

If you currently have student loan debt and you are having trouble paying your bills, look into your options. I was pleasantly surprised when I contacted my provider. They didn’t make me feel ashamed for my situation (unlike all of the other accounts I had to deal with) and they gave me several options to choose from.

Student loan debt isn’t something to mess with; the consequences for non-payment can be severe. For example, in Georgia, teachers face losing their certification if they are in default on their student loans. So know your options and make sure you stay current with your choice.

Face Your Credit Score

Divorce can do a number on your credit. As in, make the number much, much smaller seemingly overnight.

I have to admit, this is one I didn’t do so well on myself for a few years. In the very beginning, I simply couldn’t stomach it at all. I had my dad scan the reports and, keeping the actual numbers from me, verify what accounts were reported. And then I swiftly inserted my head in the sand for the next few years as I worked to improve the score. Here’s what happened when I finally looked at it.

I strongly suggest using the app Credit Karma to keep up with your credit score. It’s free and easy. And, in those days when simply peeking at the number could cause my blood pressure to rise, I found its friendly layout and welcoming colors calming.

Actively Build Your Credit

So now you know where you stand. That’s a good start.

Now, work to improve your standing. The basic credit-building advice follows here – Pay your bills on time. When you can, open a new credit card if (and this is the critical part!) you can make sure you pay it off every month. Also watch the balance even if you do pay it off. If it’s too high at the time it’s reported, it will lower your rating. Make sure that accounts are reported correctly and marked closed as you fulfill your obligations. And watch with bated breath for the magic 7-year mark when old negative marks are wiped away.

Consider Bankruptcy

I hated even letting that word into my vocabulary, but once I met with the bankruptcy attorney and discussed the options and consequences, I felt better. I ended up electing not to go this route after deciding that it was not best for me. But I was glad that I had at least considered it and explored the options.

If your debts are overwhelming you, take the time to learn the bankruptcy laws in your state. Gather the knowledge, consider your choices and then do what’s best for you.

Reevaluate Your Retirement

Many couples piece together their retirement in a yin and yang fashion, some accounts bringing more stability and others more risky, but with a higher potential yield. In divorce, you are definitely left with less retirement monies and you may also be left with an unbalanced plan.

Once the initial emotional and financial dust settles, examine your current retirement and make changes as needed. Obviously, the closer you are to retirement, the more important this is. Especially if it extends your plans for full-time employment (If you’re in this position, I am so sorry. It’s one of the hardest parts of “grey divorce.”).

Keep Your Divorce Decree Handy

No, really. You’re going to need it. Whether it’s for changing your name on the account, eliminating your ex’s name from a title or providing some ammunition when you try to secure a loan, that expensive packet of paper is indispensable. Also, be forewarned that many organizations require the original document with the court clerk’s seal. I suggest purchasing an extra copy while you’re at the courthouse just in case your original doesn’t make it back in the mail as promised (I had to send my original in to have my passport changed).

Make (and Celebrate Reaching) Small Goals

Rebuilding your credit and securing your financial independence takes time. It’s a big (and daunting) goal. So break it into smaller goals. Even as small as paying your phone bill on time each month.

And then celebrate those small successes. It’s amazing how much ground baby steps can cover as long as you keep moving!

10 Ways Divorce Makes You Better Than Before

Be Patient

It is going to take time. Don’t let it take over your life or your happiness in the meantime.

After all, in the end, it’s just money.

And your life (and the lives of your children), is priceless.

Money Talks

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always about so much more than money, isn’t it?

It’s amazing how much emotion and self-image can become tied up in the amount of money coming in and in how the money goes out.

And how something that at its essence is pretty basic can become the basis for such elaborate reactions and over-reactions.

We lose sleep about money. Lose friends over money. Lose our minds over money.

And if you’ve faced financial betrayal?

Yeah.

Let’s say it’s easy to just plain lose it.

I hate the way the financial betrayal has impacted my relationship with money. It has taken what used to be a healthy respect and responsible frugality and twisted it into something shame-tinged and focused on avoiding scarcity. It has made money a focus for me in a way I despise. I feel like a starving person at a buffet. I want to pile it all on my plate, but I’m afraid to take a bite in case it makes me sick.

And I hate it.

After being robbed behind my stupidly naive and trusting back, I now obsessively controlling my own funds. I breathe a little easier when my credit score rises a point (happy dance time!), my student loan balance decreases or when I sock away another few hundred towards the car I’ll need soon (not too soon, please!!!).

I am always careful to make sure that I can survive on my own if I should have to (smart) and yet I don’t relax into the financial reality I have with my husband (not too smart). I don’t spend money I don’t have (smart), but I also don’t spend money that I have and should (not so smart says my feet in too-old running shoes).

And the dumbest thing? The part I really beat my head against the wall about? After my ex’s financial secrecy, you would think I would want it all laid out (that would be smart). But I have trouble talking about it (dumb, dumb, dumb). My now-husband has none of the tuck-it-under-the-covers approach that my ex perfected (thank goodness!) and so there’s nothing hidden to uncover. Yet, when he innocuously brings up something about money, my stomach still does a little somersault. Just a baby one. But a tumble nonetheless.

And when I have to bring it up? I think I get a cartwheel.

And the really crazy thing?

I’m talking about zero-stress (at least on his part), no conflict discussions.

For example…

We usually split most home renovation/repair costs on a percentage split based upon relative income. Sometimes he picks up a little more if I happen to be strapped at that point. And he does this without comment or complaint.

This season, adding some landscaping is in the plans. As I started stalking nurseries (NOT the kind that house children!) and making lists, he said more than once, “Just tell me how much you need.”

A side note here, I promise not to turn this blog into a gardening forum. But you will probably be subjected to some (okay, maybe more than some) plant pictures and, knowing me, some far-out gardening analogies that I somehow manage to relate to relationships.

And I figured out last weekend about how much I would need. And I felt like it was too much. So I worried it around in my head until tonight, when I finally asked him.

His response? “Sure. When do you need it?”

He has a much more balanced relationship with money than I do. Obviously.

And I’m working on it. My little monthly Birchbox is a baby step. The first of many.

Our good friend just left here with our tax info (it’s awesome to have a friend who is also an accountant). We talked for a while about money and its entanglement with our psyche.

And he reminded me about the importance of a mindset of abundance.

I have that image in my mind for my garden. Maybe it’s time to allow that image to spread.

You’re Getting Warmer

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever react defensively to someone’s words?

I know I do.

I’m the queen of, “Yeah, but” and “I can’t” and “You don’t understand.”

Someone says something that justifies my ex’s actions and I respond with anger and righteousness (actually, this is not so true anymore, but it was for a long time!).

Someone else tells me that I can make this whole elderly car thing work out for the best and I want to stomp my feet like a frustrated two-year-old and scream in indignation.

Even Brock is not immune. When giving advice on my new career in real estate based upon his years of successful sales experience, I felt myself shutting down and becoming defensive rather than receptive.

So why do I respond this way?

It’s certainly not adaptive.

Or rational.

But there is a reason.

In every one of these cases (and in countless others), I picked up the armor and shield (and, yeah, sometimes a sword too) because the person was getting warmer.

They were dangerously close to touching on some hidden fear. Some inner wound that I preferred to protect rather than expose.

The remarks about my ex used to tweak that nerve that still stung with the betrayal and his words that I was the one responsible. I was still struggling to separate myself from his claims and actions and accept myself as whole and lovable and deserving. When someone validated him in some way, I saw it as reinforcing his false blames and devaluing me in the process.

The claims about my future triumph over the conundrum of reliable transportation triggers my deep-seated fears and shame around money and debt. I’ve been a bit head-in-the-sand about my car. I chose to focus on the assurances that it still has years of life remaining while not wanting to face the realities of its aging body. I take it to the mechanic’s and pay the bills as though I’m making a virgin sacrifice to the car gods – I will burn this $500 and in return, you will give me 12 more months of carefree driving. So I don’t always appreciate it when reality buts in.

And the advice from Brock? That tickled yet another insecurity. You see, Brock is a salesman. An excellent salesmen. And me? I literally freeze at the thought of making a cold call. In fact, I get nervous making any kind of call. Luckily, real estate is not sales in the purest sense. In fact, I see it as more customer service, an where I excel. But I’m still insecure, especially as I begin my career while overhearing Brock, confident in his, negotiate with the best of them. So, at the moment, I’m a bit oversensitive until I gain my footing.

In all of these cases, I have worked to address my deep-seated fears that triggered the defensive response. I’ve been very successful with that in terms of my ex and I’ve made progress on the financial anxieties. As for real estate? I suggest you approach with caution:)

Pay attention to your own protective reactions.

Be alert to when your guard goes up.

Or you respond with a firm, “I can’t.”

Because often, those reactions occur right at the area where you have work to do.

So instead of simply building walls and turning away, use that instinct as a sign to dig a little deeper and begin the needed repairs.

When you respond defensively, it means you’re getting warmer.

Keep searching.

You’ll find it.

 

 

 

 

Do As I Say

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do as I say.

Not as I do.

I talk about how whatever we nurture, grows. I discuss starting with the end in mind yet still starting at the beginning. I believe in the power of intention to drive our attention and, ultimately, our outcomes.

I say these things.

But in one area of my life, I haven’t been doing them.

One of the more difficult aspects of the divorce was the loss of the financial security I thought I had. Not only did I experience a dramatic drop in income between changes in teaching and tutoring, I also had to foot the bill for many of his actions.

In the beginning, my main attitude towards money was anger, as I paid and paid and paid for his transgressions. My pound of flesh had already been taken and now I was just scraping bone. So I found ways to address the anger. I wrapped the debt in gratitude, initiating a habit of writing something I’m thankful for every time I make a payment. When my mind wanders back to the hemorrhage of funds during the divorce that the courts were never able to recover, I turn my thoughts 180 degrees and focus on what I love in my life now. Things that money can’t buy.

The anger was eventually replaced with fear. That may have been good for the blood pressure, but it still didn’t help me sleep at night. I was scared of not having the needed funds to live. I was afraid of further nefarious action, bleeding the money even as it trickled in. The fear is still there, yet I have tempered it with reminders of the people that have my back in an emergency or with a brainstorming session of ways that I could earn money, if needed. It helps. But it hasn’t completely silenced the fear.

But that’s not really what I talking about. It’s a part, sure, but it’s a part I’ve been aware of and intentionally corralling.

This other thing?

I’ve been feeding.

For the last five years, a common utterance from me, both to myself and others, has been, “I don’t have money.”

It has become my unintentional mantra.

A guiding intention.

Whatever we nurture, grows.

Damn.

My all-too-easily rational brain has been excusing this habit as merely a statement of fact. After all, this is an area where some realism is called for. If I walked out of the mall laden with designer-heavy shopping bags, well…let’s just say there would be consequences. Like no gas in the car.

I need to be realistic about what I have to work with.

But I don’t need to allow my current situation become my intention.

Because the truth is, I’ve been busting butt to pay down my hand-me-down debt and to generate new ways of earning income. Right now, I may not have money. But tomorrow? Maybe I will.

I need to get out of my own damned way.

And nurture what I want to grow.

I WILL have the financial freedom to live the life I want.

I WILL be debt free.

And, here’s what’s probably at the root of it all – I DO deserve to be paid. I’m worthy of it.

I’ve recorded the mantras above over the old one on my mental cassette tape. The old intention may bleed through at times, but I’m not allowing it to continue to play.

Hopefully soon, I can say,

Do as I do.