Dry Rot

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Deutsch: Holzbalken mit intensivem Befall durc...

My marriage was a house with dry rot.  Who knows when that first insidious fungi moved in, starting to dissolve the home from the inside out?  The structure over the marriage was covered with plaster, a perfectly placid facade that hid the underlying infection.  The dry rot, in the form of lies and deceptions, ate away at the very foundation of the marriage, creating vacuums where once had stood strong supports.  The damage grew, showing no symptoms, until one day catastrophic failure occurred and the entire structure collapsed.  If the infection had been visible, perhaps it could have been treated before it led to the ruin of the home.  But, he worked hard to keep it hidden, distracting me with new paint and wall coverings that hid the extensive damage. I thought my marriage was a beautiful home.  It turned out to be nothing but a pile of sawdust.

Sawmill sawdust pile pembroke

I am determined to not let dry rot erode my relationship now.  The structure is more visible; there are no elaborate decorations hiding the bare bones beneath.  We keep an eye out for potential sources of moisture that could initiate the dry rot process and we work to eradicate the dampness before it spreads.  We seek out areas of weakness in the joists and work together to build braces to enhance their integrity.  There are no promises that I will not face a collapsing house again, but this time, I refuse to live in a home unaware that it is being destroyed from within.  This time, I want a relationship that stands.

Building a house in Thailand from concrete, ma...

Marital Treason

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Caution: Rant ahead.  Proceed with care.

An yellow orange warning sign with an ! . Re-u...
An yellow orange warning sign with an ! . Re-uploaded because someone on the English Wikipedia wanted it again. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is so much about the legal process of divorce that is just not fair.  I’m feeling that very acutely right now, as I received an email from someone in my life who is now in the same no-win property situation I found myself in.  In both cases, the spouse was dishonest and actively hiding information.  In both cases, the judge awarded the marital home to the partner with the agreement that they would assume the full note and make payments.  In both cases, that failed to happen.  This puts us in the position of owing money on a home we do not own and cannot sell.  Speaking for my case, I truly felt as though I had no option other than foreclosure.  My ex had disappeared again, I could not afford to pay lawyers any more, and the courts could only change the ownership of the house, not the names on the loan.

I am disgusted by the fact that actions that would be deemed illegal against a stranger are allowed against a spouse.  It is not unlike the way it was (and still is in some cultures) where a husband could forcefully take his wife without it being termed rape because of the legal contract between them.  Why is it that a marriage contract makes despicable behavior tolerable in the eyes of the law?  Why is it that just because I called him,” husband,” he could embezzle my money, steal my files, and abandon joint responsibilities without more than a slight slap on the wrist?  If someone came into my home and did the same, they would be sitting in a jail cell, learning how to do pull-ups on a bunk bed.

I propose we need a new law: marital treason, the act of betraying one’s marriage (there used to be a similar law called petty treason).  This would include adultery, deception (financial and otherwise), and acting in a way that is in opposition to a marriage.  Once convicted, the treasonous spouse would be required to pay restitution (enforced by payroll deduction) and forced to serve community service in a cause chosen by the spouse.  For those, like mine, who like to run, their passports would be confiscated until the requirements of their conviction had been met.  It seems as though the only time the law takes divorce seriously is in the case of child support (don’t get me wrong here, I strongly support hunting down deadbeat parents).  Also, please understand I’m not whining for alimony or excess; I just want what was stolen from me.  The marital treason law would seek to identify and hold responsibility to those who chose to betray their marriage through deception.  It’s only fair.

Okay, I feel a little better now.  Just had to get that off my chest.

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Uncategorized

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Publicity photo of Irene Rich from Stars of th...
Image via Wikipedia

I have a doctor’s appointment today. I just finished printing and filling out the forms ahead of time so that I would be prepared (I’m a planner, remember?). Things went smoothly until I got to this question:

Marital Status: ____Single ____Married_____Divorced____Widowed

I could come up with a reason for me to select each one:

Divorced: well, yes, but it does not define me
Single: technically, as I am not under legal obligation to be bound to another
Married: not legally, but in spirit, as I am committed to a long term partner with whom I reside
Widowed: not in the strict sense, but emotionally, as my ex severed all contact as abruptly as if he had died

I think I need a new category:

_____ I’m divorced, but that does not define me.  I’m not really single, either.  Nor married, although that comes closer to the truth.  I’m in a long term, monogamous, and cohabitating relationship.  No, I’m not sure if I’ll make it legal.  Why? Well, I’m not having kids, so there is not that to worry about.  Also, I no longer see any “protection” from the legal stamp.  So, I’ll just keep it the way it is, thank you: we are together each day because we choose to be together each day.  That is all.

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I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

Procrastination of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
My Happiness (Powderfinger song)
Image via Wikipedia

I’ve never been one to put things off.  Even as a kid, I would do all of my weekend homework as soon as I got home from school on Friday so that I didn’t have it hanging over my head. Just a few months ago, we had to move suddenly and around the holidays.  I had all of the boxes unpacked and broken down in 24 hours.   I coined the term, “reverse procrastinator” to describe myself; I would get things done quickly and under pressure, but I would accomplish them at the beginning of the timeframe, rather than against the actual deadline.

I’ve never been one to put things off.  Apart from my own happiness, that is.

I used to have a tendency to tackle my endless lists, take care of those around me, and say that I would take care of myself tomorrow.  Or during the coming weekend.  Or maybe on the next school break.  The trouble was that something else would always come up and take precedence.  I didn’t see this as a big problem.  I was happy enough, content.  I thought that if I focused on my husband’s well-being, that would take care of the marriage.  Besides, it felt selfish to focus on myself.

But putting off my own happiness didn’t save my marriage.  It didn’t make my husband any happier.  All it did was allow a few more crossed off items on the to-do list than I may have been able to accomplish otherwise.

I see things differently now.  By taking time to take care of myself, I am a better teacher, a better partner, a better me.  I still reverse procrastinate, but now I make sure that my happiness is also on the list of things to accomplish.