Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through.

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris

Ego:

the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought. (from dictionary.com)
Ever since we first begin to see ourselves as separate, sentient beings in childhood, our egos define how we interpret the world around us.  That sense of self may actually be holding you back from healing from your divorce.  Do you see yourself in any of the following patterns?
It’s All About Me
When I first realized the extent of my husband’s betrayals, I kept asking, “How could he do this to me? To the one he was supposed to love?”  I saw his actions directed towards me as an arrow towards a target.  I assumed he was thinking about me as he made these decisions.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me.  He stole from me. That pattern kept me fully anchored in a victim state, the recipient of all the pain and deceptions.
Slowly, I realized that it wasn’t all about me.  He lied and cheated and stole, yes.  But he did those things because of whatever demons had him in their grasp.  He didn’t do those things because of me.  He most likely wasn’t even thinking of me while they occurred.  He did them and I was in the way.
I shifted my thinking. When he hurt me, he was acting to protect his own sense of self rather than trying to wound mine.  I began to let the anger go.
It is not easy to remove the ego from interpreting the actions of one so intimate to you. Try looking at the situation with an open mind, letting go of your own ego, and see how your perspective shifts.
The Reflective Ego Shield
Our egos are vulnerable beings; they often cover themselves in highly reflective shields, deflecting any criticism and shining it back at its source.  I used to get very defensive when anyone suggested that I had a hand in my husband’s actions.  I would retaliate, lashing out at them as I tightened the stays on the armor protecting my ego.  It was a very scary proposition to let some of that armor go and to examine what was shielded underneath.  I learned the role that my own insecurities and anxieties played in the end of my marriage.  Instead of reflecting all of the responsibility on him, I took my share.
There is a difference between taking responsibility for your own actions and taking the blame for another’s actions.  If you are carrying your own reflective shield, try lowering it and examining what lies beneath.
The Hidden Wounds
The ego doesn’t like to show its vulnerabilities.  When asked, “How are you doing?,” the ego always answers, “Fine.”
I remember how many times I falsely spoke that word in those early months.  Much of that time, I wasn’t “fine,” I was angry, sad, bitter, anxious, sick, and disconnected.  But I also didn’t want to reveal those wounds.  To let the world see the depth of my pain. I kept it covered with a band-aid of “fine.”
Your wounds cannot heal unless they are exposed to the air.  The bandage can remain on to protect your injuries from the world at large, but you remove them when are in a safe place to let the healing begin.
Ego as Strongman
Our egos are a bit like young meatheads in a gym.  Flexing in the mirror, wanting to appear strong and capable amongst the others.  This means that sometimes we will try to lift more than we can without asking for assistance.  And, just like in the weight room, this can only lead to disaster.
Prior to my husband’s David Copperfield act, I was horrible at asking for and receiving assistance.  In fact, that was actually one of the points of contentions in my marriage; I always made it clear that I could do it alone.  I guess he wanted to prove me right.  Regardless, I made things so much more difficult than they ever needed to be by denying offered help and refusing to ask for help when it was needed.
Are you acting like the young man in the gym?  Ask for a spotter and you’ll not only gain the respect of those around you, but you will also be able to lift more than you ever thought possible.
Our egos tend to operate below our conscious thought.  After all, they are us.  And they are often the biggest barriers in our way.
Pardon me, ego.  I need to get through.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Ma...
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One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.”  He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly.  My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage.  I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear.  He thought wrong.  Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.

First, let me clarify.  The text was abrupt.  Sudden.  The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good.  He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left.  He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school).  The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed.  It made no sense.

So, I immediately went into detective mode.  By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years.  I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over).  It gave some answers.  The emails gave the rest.  Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through.  This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress.  Interesting.  Seemed like he was running.

The big shocker came three days after that.  A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of.  It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying.  It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at.  His wedding.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

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UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08 (Photo credit: ElvertBarnes)

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.

Signs in the Rearview Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Rear View Mirror

How could I be with someone for 16 years and not realize he was leading a double life?  I have asked myself that question more times than I want to admit.  It dominated my thoughts for a long time; how could I be so blind?  So foolish? So naive?

My marriage was a familiar road, a path well-traveled.  I knew every curve, every bump, every blind drive.  It wasn’t always that way.  In the early years, I thoroughly invested each novel feature of the road.  But, over time, I learned to trust in its characteristics.  I never had reason not to.  My husband had proven himself trustworthy time and time again.  It took me several years, but I eventually placed my total and utter confidence in him.

We had a good marriage right up until the end.  We were affectionate, intimate, spent time together, and talked about (what seemed like) everything.  That never changed.  He held me tenderly and kissed me passionately when he dropped me off at the airport to see family.  He left while I was still on that trip.  Hours before the text that ended the marriage, I received one that said, “Love you. Have a good night:).” Those words and acts were consistent with the man I knew.  Or the man I thought I knew.

He never appeared to be hiding anything.  He would leave his smart phone laying about and even encouraged me to use it.  His computer was open access.  He never got defensive if I asked him a question.  He never withdrew. I had no reason to look for signs.  No reason to doubt him.  I know now that he was frantically covering any signs along our shared road with camouflage netting, ensuring they stay invisible.  A task he was very skilled at.

There are some signs that are only visible in the rearview mirror.  I can now look back and see how some pieces of the puzzle fit together.  He had severe hypertension, to the point where he would lose consciousness, those last few months.  I realize now that it must have been from the stress he was under.  But, I certainly didn’t think then that he might be stressed from planning a wedding.  He took the jacket he wore on our wedding day to the cleaners.  How was I supposed to know it would have a starring role in another wedding within the week?  Those signs meant nothing because there was no precedent for what was being concealed.  I could not have even imagined what was going on under the cover of the brush alongside our marriage.

Ultimately, I will never know what happened.  I could drive myself crazy analyzing every encounter, every word, looking for clues I could have spotted.  Perhaps should have spotted.  That seems pointless to me, however.  I choose to live my life looking forward through the windshield rather than keeping an eye in the rearview mirror.

 

 

I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

Fifty Shades of Gray Through the Eyes of a Divorcee

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Fifty Shades of Grey at SeaTac newsstand

I read this book last week on assignment from a coworker.  She has the delightful idea of have a Fifty Shades of Gray party, which sounds like the perfect way to blow off some steam after two weeks of standardized testing.  I must admit, I was curious to read the book and see what all the buzz was about.

Let’s be frank.  It’s erotica.  Not that great.  Not that unique.  It’s spiced up with a little BDSM, but even that is pretty tame, at least in the first book.  The characters are unbelievable (22 and never really been kissed?  please!) and the writing a bit tedious at times.  So, why the appeal?

I did have a few insights as to why the book gained so much popularity, especially among the divorced crowd.

For those of us on the other side of a marriage, we have lost faith in the binding nature of that contract.  It has become a piece of paper, easily torn.  The characters in  Fifty Shades of Gray spend an inordinate amount of time debating the stipulations of their contract.  I could see the appeal, the comfort, that would be brought by such a document.  It spells out exactly the terms of the partnership and responsibilities of each person.  There is no gray area, no room for interpretation.

The contract gives a sense of security in the relationship, essentially saying, “You do these things and it will be okay.”  Real life certainly doesn’t come with assurance like that.

Many women probably enjoy the return to innocence that can be found in the female character. It can take them back to a time before their views of relationships were sullied.  They can experience those early thrills again through her doe-like eyes.

Most of all; however, the book is simply sex.  And, due to its popularity, it is sex that is safe for public consumption and discussion, encouraging women to be open about their thoughts and desires.  That is the true value of the book.

Well, that and Fifty Shades of Gray parties, of course:)

(You can find my full story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage.)

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