9 Reasons People Stay in an Unhappy Marriage

Posted on April 1, 2019March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Why would someone choose to stay in an unhappy marriage?

I remember questioning my ex husband about his parent’s marriage while we were still teenagers –

“They seem miserable. Why do you think they stay together?” I asked as we drove away from his childhood home.

“I guess they decided that they would rather be miserable together than risk being even more unhappy alone. Besides, leaving would require courage and effort and those are in short supply.”

“Promise me we’ll never end up like that,” I said, sliding my hand to his thigh as he sat behind the driver’s seat.

“Never,” he said, squeezing my hand. And that was one promise he actually kept.

His parent’s marriage seemed strange to me. My own parents had divorced years earlier, but they always kept their disputes hidden behind closed doors, so the image I had of them was of a happy and connected couple.

I struggled to wrap my young-and-still-naive brain around the idea of staying with somebody that I no longer liked. It seemed simple – if you’re not happy, leave.

But of course, it’s not always that simple.

People choose to stay in unhappy – or even downright miserable – marriages for many reasons. And from the outside, it’s easy to judge (especially if you’re a know-everything teenager). But that doesn’t mean that their decision to stay is necessarily wrong.

The following are nine reasons that people choose -either consciously or unconsciously – to stay in an unhappy marriage:

1 – They Are Afraid to Be Alone

At some level, most of us harbor a fear of being alone. We crave love, acceptance and companionship. And so even if a marriage is miserable, it may seem preferable to stay with the devil you know that risk being alone and unable to find someone new.

This becomes especially true with longer-term marriages. After spending years or decades together, you may have become dependent upon your partner for certain things and the thought of not having them to depend on becomes daunting.

If the marriage is more unfulfilling than actively agonizing, the risk of this trade-off may not seem worth it. Furthermore, if the marriage is founded on an anxious attachment style, the act of grasping becomes more important that who you’re holding on to.

2 – For the Sake of the Family

It is not uncommon for couples to elect to stay together for the sake of the children. Whether to avoid the emotional upheaval of divorce on the family or to maintain the family structure, the children’s needs are placed before the happiness of the couple. Sometimes this is permanent and other times it simply delays the decision to split until the children have grown.

This motivation can extend beyond the children. Sometimes people cannot bear the thought of losing the connection with their extended family, which has taken them in as one of their own.

A divorce impacts far more people than simply the two who exchanged the vows. And sometimes we choose to put the well-being of others ahead of our own.

3 – To Maintain a Lifestyle

We are familiar with the idea of an unhappy marriage that is sustained on life support so that one or both of the partners doesn’t have to face a change in financial status. Yet that is not the only reason that marriages are maintained to avoid a shift in lifestyle.

If both people are content with the entirety of their lives – home, extended family, friends, jobs, etc. – save for their marriage, they may reach the decision that they are willing to sacrifice a happy marriage for a happy life.

And there is truth that divorce often brings a dramatic change in financial and social status that may never be fully recouped. And for some, the trade-off of staying unhappily married becomes an intentional trade-off.

4 – Because of Religious or Cultural Beliefs

For some, the decision to divorce means also divorcing themselves from the beliefs that have been instilled in them since childhood. Divorce may be perceived as sin no matter the circumstances or the dissolution of a marriage may bring immeasurable shame to a family.

In these situations, divorce may be more painful than staying in an unhappy marriage. Divorce means a decision to deny your core beliefs and risks being ostracized from your family or community. So as long as the marriage is not an abusive one, staying may be the better choice.

5 – Inertia or Habit

We are creatures of habit. All too easily, we do what we have always done, resisting change and bemoaning the effort inherent in forging a new path. We become accustomed to our surroundings, even when they are detrimental. Once seated, we have a tendency to stay.

For many in an unhappy marriage, they may not even be consciously aware that they are in a bad marriage. They are simply sleepwalking through life, acting without thought and reacting out of routine. Those that are on automatic pilot stay in their marriages, not out of intention, but out of inattention.

6 – Fear of Judgment

Those that choose to divorce definitely face judgment from others. We may be viewed as weak, impulsive or unwilling to put in the hard work and persevere. If you’re concerned about the negative response from others, you may choose to stay quietly unhappy than risk the public humiliation.

We not only fear the judgment of others, we also want to avoid self-judgment when we believe that we have failed. Few of us go into marriage with the thought of divorce on our minds. And it can be difficult to admit that we make a mistake – either in our choice of mate or in how we treated them once married. And so sometimes, it seems safer to stay in denial.

7 – A Belief They Cannot Do Any Better

When you struggle to love yourself, you struggle to understand what you deserve. And if you’re in an unhappy marriage where your partner consistently dismisses or belittles you, this insecurity will only grow.

Sometimes we stay in a bad situation because we believe that we deserve to be unhappy or perhaps even punished for some perceived wrongdoing or shortcoming. And that becomes even more true when we listen to our partner’s voice more than we trust our own.

8 – Because They Don’t Want to Cause Pain

One of the hardest things in life is to look into the face of someone you care about as you tell them something that will cause them pain. And it’s even harder if you’re the source of the pain.

Sometimes people stay in an unhappy marriage because they would rather take the pain upon themselves than to transfer it to another.

9 – A Fear of Retaliation

One of the saddest reasons that some elect to stay in an unhappy marriage is that they fear the retaliation of their spouse if they choose to end the marriage. Perhaps the spouse has threatened to withhold financial support, isolate the other parent from the children or even suggested bodily harm. No matter the threat, it is a type of marital terrorism used to imprison the other. If this is your situation, please seek guidance before you assume that you are stuck.

Ultimately, the decision if – and when – to end a marriage is a highly personal choice. If you’re struggling with that decision, here are 12 questions to ask yourself.

Taking a Break From Marriage

Posted on March 31, 2019March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I’m leaving my husband tomorrow.

But don’t worry. I’ll return on Wednesday.

This is my spring break week and since my husband is not in education, it’s a normal week for him. So instead of doing something together as a couple, I’m heading out for a couple days of R&R in nature with my dear friend.

My husband and I will both benefit from this break. He will have time to be the master of his domain – watching television in bed, not worrying about leaving dishes out and spending time with the pups. I will have the opportunity to reconnect with my friend (it’s been a busy school year for us both) and to nurture a different side of myself.

This break gives us both time to reestablish who we are as individuals before we return to life as a couple. It gives us time to miss each other and to remind ourselves why we choose to share our lives.

A break provides space to breathe and time to reflect.

I’ve always found it funny/sad how we all seem to intuitively understand the need for a break between relationships. A time for re-centering and focusing on what makes you, you. It’s a decluttering, an opportunity to shut out the voices of those around you and instead, to listen to your own wisdom.

But those breaks are important within relationships too. Perhaps even more important. Without a break, the lines between “me” and “we” can become blurred to where you no longer know where one begins and the other ends. If there are no release valves, the marriage can begin to feel like a prison as the pressure builds with no means of escape. And when the other person is always there, it’s easy to begin to take them for granted.

Breaks also help to reinforce trust within a relationship. They provide practice in knowing that the other is there even when they are out of sight and a reinforcement that no matter how much we love another, they always retain their own agency. A reminder that control is ultimately an illusion.

Without a break, anything in life can become monotonous or drudgery. We fall into patterns and rest on our habits and assumptions. Breaks provide an opportunity to re-enter our lives with fresh eyes and a restored sense of self.

Peace out, peeps. I’ll see y’all on the flip side:)

Marital Climate vs. Marital Weather

Posted on March 18, 2019March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

It’s been an odd winter in the Southeast this year. We’ve had record rainfall and relatively moderate temperatures. The near-constant flooding has meant that most of the trails (many of which run alongside streams in low-lying areas) have been inaccessible and even damaged from the fast flowing water.

Without perspective, you might easily assume that Atlanta is always partially aquatic and rarely blessed with sun. But of course, that’s far from true. The error comes when weather, which is temporary and always-changing, is confused with the general patterns and tendencies of climate.

And we often make that same error in judgment when it comes to our relationships.

It’s an easy mistake to make, getting lost in the trees and failing to see the forest. We get so caught up in each moment and allow our emotional responses to situations, both good and bad, to accentuate certain traits while dismissing others.

We can confuse a distressing moment with an unhappy union. Decide that a misspoken comment is a sign of complete decimation. Or, conversely, we can ignore a pattern of poor behavior in exchange for the periodic and passing warmth of a kind word or loving embrace.

Every marriage has storms where the battering winds cause the very foundation to tremble. All marriages have periods of drought, leaving both parties feeling desiccated and shriveled. It’s the rare union that doesn’t experience the occasional chill, the blocks of ice preventing true connection. And most marriages have those perfect sunny days when the warmth permeates your very soul and you feel relaxed and secure.

And just like with the weather outside our windows, it’s easy to form judgments about the relationships within our walls based on what’s happening at a specific time. We stay with people that are bad for us because they can make us feel good in the moment. Or we begin to tell ourselves that our marriage is troubled after a rare deluge. And then, all too easily, that story can become taken as fact.

So before you have yourself convinced that your tundra-like union is happy because the temperatures occasionally rise above freezing or that your totally normal midwestern marriage is in shambles because of a rare flood, look at the bigger picture. Marital climate is defined by the trends, not by the moments within. And sometimes you just have to wait out the rain, trusting that the usual sun will shine again.

Six Ways We Hurt the Ones We Love

Posted on January 31, 2019March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

My ex husband used to tell me, “I’ll never hurt you.” I knew it was bullshit. After all, the ones we love are also positioned to hurt us the most, even when it’s unintentional. Yet even though I knew his statement was wrong, I chose to believe him. Because I wanted it to be true.

In contrast, my now-husband will occasionally say, “I will hurt you. And you will hurt me.” I don’t necessarily like to hear it (after all, it’s not what I want to be true), but he’s right.

At some point, in every relationship, we hurt – and are hurt by – the ones we love.

Yet all those hurts are not the same. This is definitely one of those cases where the intention behind the act matters as much as – or even more than – the magnitude of the emotional injury.

1 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Inadvertently

We get careless. Speaking without thinking and making hurtful comments we don’t really mean. Often, we know we’ve stepped over the line as soon as our voice leaves our mouth. And apologies – and regret – soon follow.

This type of hurt is especially prevalent when people are busy, preoccupied or tired. We can try to mitigate it by taking a few moments to decompress from work before entering the home or being careful about topics broached when stress is high. Regardless, as long as we’re human, this sort of accidentally trespass will happen. Apologize, acknowledge the hurt feelings and move on.

2 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Unconsciously

Sometimes we forget that we don’t know everything about the people we love. And sometimes we say or do something hurtful without knowing that it is a tender area.

These are distressing missteps for both parties; one feels badly for the accidental wounding and the other is tending to the wound. At the same time, these can also be healing transgressions, as they provide an opportunity for increased vulnerability and openness.

3 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Cautiously

There are times when getting our own needs met mean hurting someone else in the process. This is deliberate harm, meaning that it is conscious and premeditated, yet it is also compassionate harm because the impact on the other is considered and buffered as much as possible.

Sometimes, hurting others in the short term is both necessary and kind for them in the long run. This is true for everything from administering a childhood vaccination to asking for a divorce in a lifeless marriage. Step carefully and with kindness, but make the needed cuts.

4 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Selfishly

When you hurt someone without regard for their feelings, it is different than the previous method. It’s selfish to act without regard for others when your wants crash against theirs.

This is often the type of hurt that arises from cheating. One partner is feeling unappreciated or ignored and so they seek to meet their desires without considering the pain that it will cause their spouse. Often, they will perform creative cognitive contortions to evade facing the reality of what they’re doing to their partner. In the worst cases, the selfish person then attempts to cover their initial harm with lying, manipulating and/or gaslighting. Jerks.

5 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Instinctively

We know what we have learned. And for those that have been raised in homes where any attention is good attention and abuse becomes muddled with love, they may hurt others from a place of unconscious reflex.

This is a tragic hurt as the contagion of unacknowledged trauma carries forth like a virus, infecting the next in line. And the only way to stop its spread is to face its origin and learn how to neutralize its power.

The hurt that radiates outwards from addicts, often leveling those around them, fall into this category. Yes, their actions are selfish, but they are operating at an instinctual level in an attempt to meet their needs.

6 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Intentionally

It’s difficult to accept that this is even possible. How can you love someone and yet seek to hurt them at the same time? Yet it is not so unusual for us to simultaneously possess such diametrically opposed – yet intense – emotions.

For some, it may come from an innate cruelty or disorder, abuse in its most ruthless form. For others, it is a much less harmful, using love testing in an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety.

Hurting the ones we love is inevitable. Yet it is within our power to limit the harm and to take responsibility when it does happen. And when we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to consider what may be behind the words or actions that caused pain.

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on December 22, 2018March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Communicating your boundaries can be difficult, especially when it is an important relationship to you. Maintaining those boundaries when they’re challenged or when the consequences become distressing is even harder. The following strategies will help you set and maintain boundaries within your relationships at home, at work and in the world at large:

Learn What is Important to You

If you try to set boundaries about everything from the words people say around you to the gifts that you’ll receive, you’ll come off as high-maintenance at best and a complete and total ass at worst. Boundaries are powerful and work best when they are applied judiciously.

These are some examples of appropriate boundaries. Choose and/or adapt the ones that resonate with you.

I will not tolerate being hit, shoved or slapped.
It is not okay for you to call me names.
I will not allow you to tell me how I can spend my personal time or money.
My spiritual beliefs are my domain and I will not accept your input on these.
I will not permit you to make comments about my weight or appearance unless I ask for input.
It is not okay for you to tell me how I feel.
I am not able to help you at this time.
At work, I will not drop everything for an emergency that is a result of somebody else not doing their part.
With friends and family, I will not tolerate comments about a decision that has been made.

Make the distinction between the hard line of a boundary and an unwillingness to discuss a situation. Take finances within a marriage, for example. It is completely appropriate and necessary for the couple to discuss an overall financial strategy and to continue to hold discussions around money when the situation changes. A boundary that states that money is not allowed to be discussed is not appropriate. An acceptable boundary would be that a spouse cannot tell their partner how to spend money that has already been agreed upon as a personal account.

Consider your personal beliefs and core values. Your most important boundaries should protect what makes you, you.

Become Aware of Signs That Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed

We’re often not very good at recognizing these signs, especially within high-value relationships. Here are some signs to look for.

It can be easy to believe that a “good” spouse/friend/child/sibling/employee simply keeps the peace and allows others to do as they want. But your inaction is still action and there are consequences. A healthy relationship has boundaries on both sides – lines that delineate another’s sphere of influence from your own.

Practice Communicating Your Boundaries

When choosing your words, remember that your boundaries are about you; they are not an attack or criticism of another person. Keep your statement simple and refrain from inserting emotion. If you’re currently in a more energetic state, wait until you are calm before communicating your limits.

Be ready to repeat your statement. Especially if this is new for you, it may be dismissed the first (or second, or third…) time. At school with my students, I become more and more like broken record (does that metaphor even work any more???) the more emotional the kids become. It feels strange in the moment, but it’s very effective at bypassing power struggles.

Start Small and Build as You Become More Comfortable

If you’re not used to speaking up and stating your limits, it can be easiest to begin in a low-stakes situation, where you have less to lose. One area that often gives (too many) opportunities is in customer service.

Was your food cold? Let the waiter know and calmly state your expectation that the food is not acceptable. Did the front desk blow you off? Be assertive and let the office manager know what you need going forward.

If you tend to avoid confrontation, boundary-setting is scary because of the (often imagined and catastrophized consequences). It’s going to feel strange and scary at first. However, once you see that people generally respond positively to knowing where exactly the line is, you’ll become more comfortable.

Ensure That You Follow Through

A boundary that is ignored as soon as it becomes too much work to enforce is even worse than a boundary never erected. If it’s worth the energy to create the parameters, it’s worth the effort needed to maintain it.

You will be challenged. It’s human nature. We all want to see what we can get away with, and some do this more than others. Be strong and confident. Stand up for yourself.

Decide What to Do About Repeat Offenders

If someone refuses to adhere to your boundaries, you may have to walk away. When your workplace repeated steamrolls you, it may be time to seek new employment. If your friend continually asks for help and doesn’t step up for themselves, you may need to cut them loose.

Are you willing to do this?

It’s a hard question, especially when we value the relationship. Be aware that staying with the status quo may also have a high price to pay. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

marriage

9 Reasons People Stay in an Unhappy Marriage