How Do You Make Your Partner Happy?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Short answer?

You can’t.

 

But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit by helplessly while they’re miserable.

 

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It all starts with understanding the distinction between caring about your partner’s happiness and taking responsibility for their happiness. The former is hopefully a keystone in every supportive relationship. If you care about someone, you obviously want the best for them. You want to do things that bring a smile to their face and mitigate the circumstances that bring them down.

Yet it is beyond your ability to MAKE them happy. Period. End of story. No matter what you do (or what they say), it is simply impossible for you to make another person happy.

That is an inside job.

 

 

Encourage Them When They’re Down

Remind them of their strengths. Of their previous successes. Without dismissing their concerns, highlight the more positive aspects of the situation. Express your belief and confidence in them – “I know you have this and I’ll have your back while you get through.”

 

Support Their Outlets

Accept that you cannot meet all of your partner’s needs. Actively encourage them to seek out their preferred outlets for release and support, whether that be time with a group of friends or alone time on a trail.

 

Distinguish Between Their Wants/Needs and What You Want For Them

It’s easy to get these two things confused and feel frustrated when our efforts are not appreciated because we’re working towards the wrong goal. Even if you disagree with their approach, your role is to act as a sounding board, not a dictatorial advisor.

 

Listen Without Judgment or Trying to Fix

One of the most important roles a marriage can provide is a place of sanctuary when it feels like the world is out to get you. Strive to be that safe place where they can speak without immediately facing unwanted advice or criticism. It doesn’t mean that you cannot disagree, just do it with intention and save it for the important things.

 

Respect Their Boundaries

For some of us, the sight of someone in distress is like a beacon, summoning us to be the rescuers. But they are an autonomous adult. When we swoop in, we’re sending the message that they are not capable of handling things on their own. You can hold their hand, but you can’t do the work for them.

 

Look For Ways to Bring in Delight

Actively seek ways to brighten your partner’s day. It can be as simple as a flirty note or funny GIF sent through text. This focus also helps to shift your mood if you have a tendency to get caught up in their unhappiness.

 

Spread Your Burdens

It’s natural to unload our biggest burdens on our partners. Yet it can also be a lot to bear. So make sure that you have more people than just your partner to share your own fears and struggles with. Even if you have to hire a listening ear.

 

Bring Your Best Self

And this means taking care of yourself. If you find that your partner’s unhappiness is increasing your own, address your own well-being. Do more of the things that make you happy. One of the best things you can do to increase their happiness is to take care of your own.

 

Accept Your Limitations and Respect Your Own Boundaries

Sometimes our partner’s unhappiness is more than a passing phase. If you suspect your spouse is depressed, it’s time to bring in professional help. And if they continually resist intervention, you have to make the decision how long you’re willing to wait. I often hear, “don’t leave your partner in a fire,” yet you also have to decide if you’re willing to burn if they continually deny the flames. You cannot fix them. All you can do is love them and support them while they fix themselves.

 

Feeling Alone in a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Many memories of my first marriage have faded over time. But there are some that are still as sharp and pointed as the day they occurred. This is one of those.

We sat in the 4th row in the left section of the movie theater. I was in the aisle seat and he was next to me. Prior to the movie, we had gone out to dinner at our version of “Cheers,” and like usual for us, had a great time without any discord or tension.

About twenty minutes into the movie, I looked over at his profile, the light from the film alternately revealing and highlighting the curve of his face. And even though he was inches away, even though we had not fought in any way, and even though he had hugged me while we waited in line to purchase the tickets, I felt like there was an impassable distance between us.

I looked around the theater and could sense the connections between the other patrons, like a web of string mapping out the relationships and bonds. And no string mapped to me. I wondered if it was noticeable to those around me. Could they sense the disconnection?

I felt alone.

Silent tears starting welling up in my eyes as I kept stealing glances at my husband. The man who had been my everything for fourteen years at that point. The man I knew better than anyone at that point. And the man that seemed like a stranger sitting uncomfortable close to me that night.

As I silently wept and continued to forgo the movie to try to puzzle through my emotions, he never looked over at me. This on its own was unusual, as he normally was quite affectionate. With the benefit of hindsight, I think he had an idea what I was sensing that night and he was actively working to pretend that it didn’t exist.

And so for an endless two hours, I sat alone with my husband. Feeling invisible.

Once the credits rolled, he smiled at me, squeezed my hand, and made a comment about the movie. He was back to pretending and I was back to believing.

Isn’t it wild how you can sit on a sofa by yourself and feel content, yet feel completely and utterly alone even when your partner occupies the adjacent seat?

That’s because feeling alone has little to do with the person physically by your side and everything to do with trusting that a person will stay by your side.

Sometimes the disconnection is overt, a partner resorting to the silent treatment or actively working to turn away. It’s a rejection. And you’re able to point to the source of the pain.

Other times, it’s more subtle. A feeling like even though you share a home, you’re living two different lives and looking out through two different windows. You’re going through the motions of doing this together, yet instead of feeling like a team, you feel like you only have yourself to count on.

And sometimes it’s situational. For example, grief is a highly personal experience. If the couple has experienced loss, it’s common for them both to feel alone because their partner is not grieving in the same way.

All relationships go through times of connection and times of disconnection. It’s normal to sometimes look at your partner and wonder, “Who even are you?” In healthy marriages, both partners acknowledge the distance and look for roads back to each other. One person can say, “I feel alone,” and the other will respond with, “What can I do to show you that you’re not.”

Feeling alone becomes a problem when it’s chronic, when it’s ignored or when the distance is created and maintained intentionally by one or both parties. And feeling alone can have some huge repercussions as it erodes your self-worth and leaves you with a low-level hum of constant rejection. Your body becomes more prone to illness as your brain begins to attack itself in an attempt to make sense of the emotional isolation.

 

If you’re feeling alone in your relationship, it’s time to look closer –

 

– Is your partner pulling away? Are their energies focused elsewhere?

-Are you the one creating distance? Maybe you want connection but you also fear getting too close and becoming vulnerable.

-Has there been a situation that only one of you is facing and the other has little experience with? Or, has there been a loss and you’re grieving in your own ways?

– Have you brought up how you’re feeling? If so, what was the reaction? Has there been any action (not just words) towards rebuilding connection?

-Are you putting all of your needs on your partner? Are you asking your partner to be something they’re not?

-Do you feel less alone when you’re away from your partner than when you’re with them? If so, that’s a very telling sign.

 

7 Reasons People Withdraw in a Relationship

 

It’s kinda funny isn’t it? How we stay in a relationship past its expiration date because we’re afraid of being alone, yet we tolerate feeling alone while in a relationship? And what’s even crazier that being alone by yourself (once you get over the fear of it) is SO much better than feeling alone while you have a ring on your finger.

 

8 Strategies to Better Handle Relationship Conflict

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Raise your hand if you feel like you could do better when it comes to managing conflict in your relationship.

I have both hands up.

One of the lovely lasting effects of emerging from a marriage with a covert abuser who morphed and manipulated instead of speaking his mind was that after 16 years of partnership, I was still a newbie at managing conflict. And I’ve had plenty of falls down that steep learning curve.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned (okay, what I’m still learning) –

 

1 – Understand You and Your Partner’s Processing Styles

As an introvert, I tend to think for a long time before I speak. I can easily spend days letting an idea fully form before I release it to the world. My husband is the opposite. A classic extrovert, he processes his thoughts out loud, releasing them before they have any form at all.

Neither style is better than the other, but it’s important to recognize which one best fits you and your partner. The trouble comes when the introvert is pressed to speak immediately or the extrovert’s words are assumed to be well thought out gospel.

 

2 – Don’t Become too Attached to the Initial Words Spoken

We all can choose the wrong words or say something more harshly than we mean it. Whether coming from a place of impulsivity and emotional intensity or from a downward spiral led by our own imagination, we sometimes say things in a hurtful way.

When you’re the recipient of those words, it’s difficult not to react in defensiveness or anger. It feels like an attack and so it’s easy to respond in kind. Strive to take a breath and ask for clarification before you accept those words as truth. Often, you’ll find that those hurtful thoughts were more fears than reality.

 

3 – Speak Early and Often

We all know what happens when you heat a tightly sealed container in the microwave. Don’t be that container. Instead of letting your grievances build, share your concerns as they arise.

This strategy has two benefits – One, conflicts are easily to manage when they are small and two, we improve at anything with practice. You will learn to navigate conflict better if it is smaller and more frequent than the occasional big blowout.

 

4 – Pay More Attention to What is Working

We all are prone to something called the negativity bias, where negative interactions have much more prominence in our minds than positive ones (which helped us avoid eating poison berries back in the day but now means that a random comment on social media can send us for a loop). So be cognizant of what you say to your partner. Strive to make at least 5-6 positive comments for every negative one.

Also be aware of your own reaction. You may feel like they are always harping on you, but is that truth or your own bias convincing you that it is real. Pay attention (and maybe even write down) each of the positive words or actions. They may be more numerous than you realize.

 

5 – Monitor Your Internal Dialog

Have you ever had an entire argument with someone in your head? Or had a dream about someone and been irritated with them when you woke up? Has your brain ever taken a small conflict and ridden it all the way to the most awful and catastrophic conclusion?

It’s easy to make assumptions about how somebody is going to respond and then spiral from those assumptions. Sometimes we spend so much time thinking through a potential conflict that we struggle to separate the real reactions from the imagined ones. Pay attention to how much time you spend mentally rehearsing a conflict and make sure that you give your partner the space to respond before you assume their reaction.

 

6 – Pay Attention to Your Physical Response

Are you starting to shake? Is your blood pressure increasing? How about your heart rate? When your body becomes too aroused from the conflict, your ability to think rationally decreases. You shift from the thinking brain to the reactionary brain.

Learn how to calm your body’s responses through breathing. It may be cliche, but slow and deep breaths really can help to calm the body and mind (I like a 4 count in, hold for 5 and exhale for 7). In addition, note how your body’s position impacts your physical reactions. I have noticed that I literally feel more grounded when I’m sitting on the floor and so I use that to my advantage when I know that I’m in for an emotionally-charged situation.

 

7 – Take Purposeful Timeouts

Timeouts can be a great strategy when a conversation becomes too heated. But they need to be done the right way. First, make sure to set a deadline for when the conversation will be continued. Otherwise, timeouts can simply become a strategy for avoidance.

Also, use the timeout wisely. Exercise, meditate, go for a walk or engage in your favorite creative pursuit. If all you do is sit and stew in your emotions, there is really no value to the break.

 

8 – Engage in Teamwork-Oriented Activities

It’s easy to get confused in the midst of conflict and think that it’s you vs. partner. Where in reality, it’s you AND partner vs. problem. To help reinforce the reminder that you’re on the team, engage in activities that require that you work together to complete some goal.

When doing this, make note (and verbalize) the strengths you see in your partner. Take the time to remember past challenges that you successfully navigated together. Remember what it was that you saw in them in the first place.

The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you don’t feel safe in a relationship, your focus shifts from connection to protection.

Instead of turning towards your partner, you’re turning inward or turning away in an attempt to avoid a sense of increasing danger.

And relationship safety is often misunderstood. We tend to oversimplify the state; believing that as long as physical threats are not present, there is no reason to not feel safe (yet there are many ways that we can feel emotionally unsafe in relationships). Additionally, we often dismiss or misinterpret feeling a lack of safety in a relationship. We may chalk it up to our own insecurities or blame it on anxiety arising from within.

You also may be unintentionally behaving in a way that lessens your partner’s sense of safety in the relationship. And so that disconnect or tension that you may sensing could be their attempt to protect themselves.

What Does Not Feeling Safe in a Relationship Look Like?

  • Not knowing what to expect from day to day or moment to moment.
  • A hesitancy to initiate affection or intimacy because of a pattern of rejection.
  • Biting your tongue out of a fear of the repercussions of speaking your truth.
  • Your emotions being mocked or dismissed.
  • Always being asked to change your appearance or demeanor in order to be accepted.
  • A feeling of walking on eggshells because of repeated emotional outbursts or unexpected and over-the-top reactions.
  • Intimacy and connection are used as both reward and punishment – if you’re “good,” you get attention and if you’re “bad,” it’s withheld.
  • A feeling that you have to put on a front or hide certain aspects of yourself in order to avoid rejection or ridicule.
  • Your partner frequently threatens to leave or divorce.

What Characteristics Make People Feel Safe in a Relationship?

Physical

Your partner doesn’t hit you, hold you down or use their body to intimidate you. You don’t expect a physical altercation and you don’t flinch when they reach towards you. If you are hurt or ill, they will attend to your physical needs. If you reach towards them, they accept your touch. Any physical rejection is done with kindness and not blame or shame and sexual activities are never forced or coerced.

Consistency

You generally know what to expect from your partner and your relationship. Their actions and reactions are familiar and somewhat predictable. Additionally, except in extreme cases, emotional responses are not over-the-top and are appropriate for the situation.

Authenticity

You feel like you can be you. The real you. You don’t feel like you have to hide or pretend in order to be accepted. You can speak the hard truths without fear of overreaction or detonation. You also trust that your partner is revealing their true nature and that they are not holding back anything of importance. An authentic relationship is not always happy, but it’s also not hiding anything.

Vulnerability

You can be weak without fear of being taken advantage of. You can reveal your fears and insecurities without ridicule or emotional blackmail. You feel like it’s okay to not be okay and that a temporary state will not become a permanent point of contention.

Acceptance

You feel listened to. Valued and valuable. Your partner doesn’t try to change you or frequently compare you to others. Criticisms are aimed at your behaviors rather than at your core self. They accept you as you are, not as they want you to be. Any requests or encouragement towards change is both fair and approached with your wellbeing in mind.

The Link Between Relationship Safety and Anxiety or Insecurity

Our primary relationships often set the tone for the rest of our experiences. We expect to be able to come home and relax our guard, to be authentic without the risk of excess judgement or the fear of being taken advantage of. To be our best, we need our relationships to be our stable ground from which we grow into the rest of our lives.

And so when home is more unpredictable wobble board than sanctuary, the effects extend outwards. Much like an infant with an insecure attachment to a parent shows less confidence in exploring the world, an adult that doesn’t feel safe in their primary relationship may hesitate to to take risks or be prone to excess worry.

Of course, not all anxiety or insecurity is relationship-based. Yet if your symptoms increase when you’re around your partner or are primarily present at home, this may the root cause of your stress. Also pay attention to a lasting sense of “walking on eggshells.” This feeling is common during times of stress or transition, but if it continues, it indicates that you are afraid of triggering a reaction.

Often people are surprised when they feel calmer and more confident when a significant relationship ends. But it’s not surprising at all when they never felt safe within that relationship.

How Past Betrayal and/or Abandonment Impact Relationship Safety

Part of the trauma of both betrayal and abandonment is that they destroy any sense of safety. And those effects are lasting, even following you into a new relationship. This is especially true if you felt safe and secure until the moment you realized that the firm ground was instead an illusion crafted to keep you unsuspecting.

A sense of safety is related to trust, yet it is also its own domain. Trust comes down to believing that your partner’s actions align with their words. Safety also relies on a sense of consistency and acceptance. And both obviously suffer after betrayal or rejection.

If you have experienced this kind of relationship trauma, it will be some time before you feel steady again, no matter how secure your footing. Part of the healing process is learning what is a true danger and what is merely a malfunctioning alarm.

The Limitations of a Safe Relationship

There is no such thing as a fail-proof relationship. It is impossible to be involved with another person and never feel hurt or disappointed. Feeling safe in a relationship does not mean that your emotions will never be bruised. Instead, it comes down to trusting that your partner will never internally seek to harm you and if they do misstep, they will take responsibility for their part in the transgression.

The Powerful Benefits of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

Safety is a primary need. Without a sense of safety, much of your energy is extended towards being ready to run, hide or fight if needed. And when that need is met, your energy is freed towards growth and you feel securely anchored enough to take risks in other areas.

When at their best, our relationships give us both the firm ground on which to stand and the encouragement to extend beyond our perceived limitations.

 

When They Say, “You’ve Changed”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You’ve changed,” they say to you.

Feeling like an accusation.

Implying that if you hadn’t transmuted, then things would still be fine.

The first reaction is defensive.

“No I haven’t!” you insist, even while on some level being aware that as a living and adaptable being, you of course have been slowly changing over time.

Or maybe, you go on the attack, “You’re the one who’s changed! You never … anymore!”

Or, “The only reason I … is because you…”

But of course, the real harm in this declaration of change isn’t really the transformation. It’s the implication that you’ve taken a turn for the worse.

But what’s really behind those words? Here are a few possible meanings –

 

You’re Not What They Want You to Be Anymore

Maybe you used to let them walk all over you and you have since developed the confidence and self-awareness to set and enforce boundaries. And so they’re pouting, after being used to getting their way. Or perhaps you used to need them and you have since become more independent. And now they worry that you can be okay without them.

You’ve Grown While They’ve Stagnated

You met when you were young. You had nothing, so there was nothing to lose. But then came family, careers and a mortgage. The responsibilities were higher and so were the stakes. You grew, learning how to handle the stuff that nobody likes to deal with and willingly trading some temporary fun and freedoms for legacy and purpose. Meanwhile, they still act like a college kid living off their parent’s allowance and grumbling that you are not any fun anymore.

 

A Maladaptive Relationship Pattern Has Developed

It doesn’t matter who started it. One of you did something. The other reacted. And this negativity and ineffective methodology keeps being volleyed back and forth. Their reactions influencing yours and your responses driving their behaviors. Over time, this pattern has become a well-worn groove that has shifted the way you interact with each other and with yourself.

 

Life Has Taken You on Different Paths

And sometimes there’s nothing truly wrong. We all change as we move through through life and sometimes those changes simply take us different directions. “You’ve changed” may mean “We’ve changed” and we no longer fit together. Not as a proclamation of wrongdoing or blame, but simply as an admission of fact.