“I Want You” vs. “I Need You”

Posted on by stilllearning2b
I want you I need you
There’s nothing sexy about being needed.

I feel it after a long day at work after hundreds of children have made their demands, becoming more task-monitor and cognition-manager than woman. Mothers describe feeling like little more than a milk-generating machine during those months when breastfeeding may be a constant. Bread-winners may start to feel more like a money-making automaton than a living, breathing creature. Caretakers often begin to resent their charge, love clouded by a fog of endless need.

Those on the other side often chafe at their sense of dependency. They need, but they don’t want to need. They desire independence, yet may be unable (or unwilling) to strive for it.

There’s nothing sexy about being needed.

Yet, so often, “need” is exactly the energy that begins to permeate our relationships after the initial, heady rush of burgeoning love. As “I want you” is slowly replaced by “I need you.”

You hear this from people who bemoan that their spouse is essentially another child who is absolutely clueless at handling the day-to-day on their own. They begin to see their partner as dependent and incapable, neither of which are particularly attractive traits. Others may become overly needed on an emotional level. Often called emotional labor, this feeling of always being “on” and taking care of the family’s relationship, communication and emotional needs is as tiring as physical labor (if not more so). Those that are fearful of being alone may overly cling to their partner. And feeling suffocated by somebody’s anxieties is a sure way to dull any attraction.

And in all of these cases, the needed one speaks to seeing their spouse as more like a friend or a roommate than a romantic partner. The more needy partner can begin to take offense at their position and may begin to act out. Furthermore, the unhealthy dynamic can lead to an increase in irritations and frustrations on both sides.

Here’s the unbridled truth – if you are both adults, neither one of you truly needs the other (no matter what it feels like).

In fact, I think this is possibly the most important lesson I learned from the end of my first marriage. I sure believed that I needed my first husband. After all, I had never navigated adulthood without him. He would handle making retail returns and spending hours debating with the gas company on the phone, both tasks with which I struggled. He knew just how to soothe me after a stressful day and he would laugh at all of our inside jokes. He (sometimes) brought in needed income and used his impressive carpentry and handy-man skills to upgrade and maintain our home on the cheap. He was always willing to talk (even in the middle of the night) and so I rarely felt alone or ignored.

I thought I needed him.

But it turned out I was wrong. Somehow, with a few changes and some missteps along the way, I was able to survive (actually thrive) without the person I thought I couldn’t live without.

Thank goodness:)

 

lookatyoulivingandshit

 

 

Being needed can feel good. It gives you purpose. Shores up your confidence and helps to mitigate any fears about being alone (after all, if someone needs you, they’re unlikely to leave you). Yet, taken too far or applied too liberally and being needed can begin to feel like an inescapable prison.

 

On the other hand, we all like to feel to wanted.

It’s a compliment, an acceptance. It makes us feel both desirable and powerful. It speaks to being chosen. Appreciated and valued.

 

“I want you” vs. “I need you”

 

I need you says that you are responsible for my happiness.

I want you declares that I’m happier when you’re around.

 

I need you implies that neither one of you are free agents and that you’re trapped.

I want you suggests that there are other options and you are the chosen one.

 

I need you sets the stage for an imbalance of power as one gives and the other takes.

I want you acknowledges the power within both of you and allows for an equal exchange.

 

I need you speaks to what you can do for the other person; it focuses on the tasks you perform.

I want you expresses a desire for the person; it focuses on who you are.

 

There’s nothing sexy about being needed and there’s nothing sexier than hearing someone you care about say,

“I want you.”

 

Just Because You Love Someone…

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love

Sometimes love is not enough…

When we were on the lookout for a new dog this past winter, one thing became immediately clear – the shelters and the foster homes were filled with amazing dogs who had been surrendered by their original families. In most cases, these dogs were relinquished not because they weren’t loved or because they were “bad” dogs, but because they were not the right dog for the family. A painful choice, but sometimes the best one once a mismatch has been made.

Human relationships often fall into the same category. We choose poorly or the situation changes after we’ve made our choice. We struggle to admit that maybe we were wrong. We hold onto hope that maybe things will improve. We fear ending things because sometimes being with anybody is better than being alone. And we justify our inaction or our excuses by declaring our love.

 

When you say, “I love them, but…,” it’s the words that follow that are the most important to pay attention to.

 

Amazing things are accomplished in the name of love. People are nurtured and challenged, accepted and encouraged. Love gives us hope and purpose, bringing light into even the darkest corners.

Yet sometimes love is used as an excuse. A reason to avoid making those difficult choices that sometimes life brings our way.

 

Just because you love someone…

You do not have to maintain a relationship with them. Whether it be an abusive relationship with a partner or a toxic relationship with a parent, you can love someone and keep them at arm’s reach (or even further). This can be a decision made from a place of compassion, recognizing that continuing the relationship is harmful for one or both parties. Love means that you want the best for them, but this doesn’t have to be at the exclusion of your own well-being.

 

Just because you love someone…

You do not have to tolerate their abusive and cruel words or behaviors. It’s rare that abusive people are all-bad; there is often a soft and vulnerable and wonderful side as well. And you can love that part of them while at the same time, refusing to put yourself in the position of being subject to their bouts of anger or coercion. Maybe you limit your exposure or make a promise to yourself to walk away whenever things turn sour.

 

Just because you love someone…

You do not have to agree with their choices. You can love the person and hate the actions.    Furthermore, love does not preclude you from letting them experience the repercussions of their choices. Sometimes love means doing what is best for the person in the long run even though they may not be able to see it in the short term.

 

Just because you love someone…

You don’t have to like them. In this moment or in general. Everybody is worthy of love, but you have to really put effort into being liked. Here’s the hard part, though – when there is love without like, there is also great internal conflict as you wrestle with the often conflicting emotions.

 

Just because you love someone…

Doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. This can strangely be one of the harder positions to be in. When you love them, believe they are a good person and yet, for whatever reason, you’re unsure about the relationship. There are no easy answers here, no strong, solid reasons to leave that accompany the, “I love them, but…” It is possible to love someone. To like them and respect them. And also recognize that they are not what you’re looking for. A painful choice, but one that may allow both of you to move forward and find someone you love without the “but.”

 

Overcoming Insecurity

Posted on by stilllearning2b
insecurity

They come into my 6th grade accelerated math class with confidence,  believing that they are smart and capable. Few of them have ever experienced struggle in math and so, because of the nature of my course and my teaching philosophy, when they first encounter a concept that is not readily apparent, they panic.

Because in their minds, it’s not simply a matter of not understanding this one type of math problem, it’s a potential threat to their very self-image.

And as we progress through the first few weeks of school, that earlier confidence is often replaced with a growing sense of insecurity. 

You’re never insecure unless you have something good that you want to hold onto. 

In the aftermath of my divorce, I had a strange sense of nonchalant assurance. It was strange because my confidence, in both myself and my future, were at an all-time low. Yet, perhaps because I both had nothing else to lose and couldn’t summon the energy needed to be anxious about small things, I was gifted a respite from normal insecurities.

The more you have, the more you can lose.

For months, I lived almost without fear. Without inhibition. Without insecurity. I adopted a “whatever” attitude when it came to love or money or any of those other things we so desperately attach ourselves to. The chasm between what I wanted and what I had was so great that I couldn’t imagine ever crossing it.

When we desire something, we focus more on the pursuit of it than the lack of it. We may even reach a sort of truce, a tacit acceptance of its absence. 

And then ever-so-slowly and without intention, I started to fall for someone who was supposed to only be passing through my life. And suddenly, I had something to lose.

And as science has found, we have evolved to fear loss almost more than anything else.

______

We all have times when we’re feeling anxious or uncertain. You may feel confident and adept in one area of your life and insecure about another. You may find that your doubt-whispering inner voice is triggered by certain situations and that your anxious brain, once activated, spirals into endless questions and worries.

At its core, insecurity indicates that we lack belief in ourselves.

Insecurity, although common, is not a healthy state to occupy for long. When we’re operating from a place of fear, we’re likely to make poor decisions and contaminate others with our own worries. When we express excessive doubts and try to grasp on too tightly, we have a tendency to push others away. And that’s not even counting the horrible way that insecurity makes you feel.

Understanding Insecurity

Signs of Insecurity

Not everyone responds to insecurity in the same way. Some people express it openly. Others try to stuff it down with their favorite junk foods. Or build big muscles in an attempt to hide their self-doubts. Insecurity can be found in the agoraphobe afraid to leave the house and in the high-powered executive who secretly feels like a fraud.

Even though the outward signs differ, there are certain internal signals that you can attune to in order to recognize when you’re feeling insecure –

Overreacting  

If you find that you are consistently having strong emotional reactions that are out of line with the situation at hand, you may be experiencing a period where you are questioning yourself. These self-doubts mean that you can easily misinterpret or catastrophize normal exchanges.

Compulsive Questioning 

Insecurity seeks certainty. And so it keeps asking questions in an attempt to either confirm or deny the fears. And no matter how many reassurances are uttered, it’s never enough. Sometimes these questions arise within our minds and our never vocalized. Rather, they are bounced around within our own echo chambers. These unasked questions are often even worse than the ones we speak because we have nobody to call us out on any irrational thoughts.

Restlessness

When you’re feeling insecure, you’re not comfortable in your own skin. This can lead to a feeling of being on edge or even irritable. This can manifest as a sense of wanting things to be different, feeling like you’re waiting for something to happen or even in an increased difficulty in sleeping.

Excessive Social Media Use

Whether you’re making comparisons with others or obsessively checking how many “likes” your recent post received, an increase in social media usage suggests that you may be having a crisis of confidence. Pay special attention to how your time spent on social media makes you feel. If it’s constantly making you feel “less than” and yet you’re continuing to return to source, your insecurity has become a problem.

Attention or Validation Seeking

Insecurity wants other people to tell you that you’re okay. It seeks an external stamp of approval to quiet the internal voices that question if you’re enough. If you notice that you’re increasingly looking for others to pay attention to you or express their approval, it’s a sign that your trust in yourself is lacking.

Causes of Insecurity

There is not a single, universal cause of insecurity. For some, it is a constant underlying buzz, always present and rooted in beliefs formed in childhood. Others experience it more on a situational basis, with a corresponding ebb and flow in intensity. By pinpointing some of the precursors to your own insecurities, you can begin to view them as a reaction rather than a core part of who you are.

Fear of Loss

This is probably the most common underlying source of insecurity. Maybe, like my incoming 6th graders, you fear losing the labels that you identify with. Or maybe you are concerned about losing status. Or wealth. Perhaps you are afraid that if you say the wrong thing or act the wrong way, that you will lose somebody that is valuable to you. Insecurity occurs when you have something but you fear that your grasp is not strong enough and that it will slip right through your reaching fingers.

Periods of Transition

Whenever we are in a state of flux, changing from one state or role into another, we often feel a sense of inadequacy due to underdeveloped skills and unmastered knowledge and a fear of the unknowns inherent in change. This can lead to a sense of being an imposter (even once the learning curve has leveled) or avoiding transitional periods whenever possible.

Times of Uncertainty

Some people handle a state of limbo better than others. For those prone to anxiety, periods of time that have an abundance of unknowns can give rise to insecurity. It’s not uncommon to fret over every decision, turning the perceived pros and cons over and again until your mind is spinning. This lack of trust in your abilities to make a solid choice can lead to decision paralysis or an acquired helplessness if decisions are always relegated to others.

Concern of Not Being Enough

This cause may begin in childhood, with an absent or hard-to-please parent giving the impression that you’re not good enough for them. This sense of insecurity may be generalized or may be tied to a particular skill or trait that your parent held in particular esteem. In adulthood, this sense of not being enough can develop after (or in anticipation of) rejection or abandonment.

Inadequate Communication

Our brains despise a vacuum. So when you’re in a situation where you receive inadequate feedback or information, that void can trigger a sense of insecurity as you begin to ponder the worst. One of the problems with this type of insecurity is that it is difficult to tell what may be your intuition cluing you in that something is amiss and what is simply your brain telling you scary fiction.

Gaslighting or Emotional Abuse

This is the most malevolent insecurity, as it is intentionally cultivated by somebody else in an attempt to manipulate or control you. This sort of covert abuse is challenging to recognize and overwhelming in its intensity. If you’re starting to doubt yourself and your perceptions ay every turn and you cannot pinpoint a reason, you may want to examine your relationships for signs of control.

Overcoming Insecurity

What NOT to Do to Overcome Insecurity

Insecurity is an awful feeling. It’s a restlessness, an agitation that precludes feelings of peace. It often causes us to act in unhealthy or ineffective ways as we search for external fixes for our internal plight. The following are some of the common methods attempted to eradicate insecurity that are ineffective at best and maybe even harmful.

Pretending to Be Someone You’re Not

There is definitely something to the adage, “Fake it until you make it” when you’re navigating a new situation or challenge. But some take this too far and assume an entirely new persona in an attempt to please others or fill a perceived role. This will ultimately only compound your problems as you begin to feel like you will only be accepted if you hide your true self.

Assigning Responsibility to Others

I see this response so often in my female students. When they’re feeling insecure about their looks (just like every other preteen and teenage girl on the planet), they often turn to social media in a search for validation and approval. With every “like,” their spirits soar. And then just one cruel or harsh comment can undo every positive reaction. And in a strange way, the negative comments ring more “true” because they echo the self-doubts that are already within. And there’s another problem with fishing for compliments – at some level, you always know that you’re baiting the hook.

Baidaiding

I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling insecure, I develop an urge to purchase new clothes or makeup. This is a type of bandaiding, covering the discomfort with a temporary covering in an attempt to make me feel more confident. I’ve also noticed that this reaction often backfires, not only offering a short period of relief, but also creating feelings of regret.

Fixation

This reaction is often seen in those struggling to avoid their ex’s social media. Their own insecurities are manifested in an obsessive focus on their ex and/or their ex’s new partner. It’s both a distraction from the insecurity and a source of fuel that feeds the insecurity. Like with bandaiding, it may feel good in the moment, but often leaves you feeling worse after.

Immediately Discounting the Feeling

Some people have trouble admitting to feeling insecure as it is seen as “weak” or vulnerable. When insecurity is immediately brushed aside without consideration, it leaves no room to understand and address the actual causes of the doubt. In the worst cases, the insecurity is hidden behind a steamrolling force of false bravado, the ego leaving little room for compassion.

Attempting to Control

It makes sense, doesn’t it? If we’re worried about losing something, we have a tendency to grasp on even stronger. As though we can prevent loss through sheer determination and force of will. For some people, insecurity manifests in an attempt to orchestrate everything around them. To make it “just so” so that they can maintain the illusion that control can replace trust.

What TO Do to Overcome Insecurity

Insecurity can become overwhelming. Your fear of taking the wrong step preventing you from moving forward at all. Your endless comparisons leading you to believe that you’ll never measure up. Your hesitation at facing the truth keeping you blinded.

Insecurity feels all-powerful. Yet you’re really the one at the helm. Here’s how you can learn to overcome your insecurity:

Accept That Certainty Is an Illusion

Consider for a moment the antonyms of insecurity – safety, protection, invulnerability, and certainty. Those are all states that we strive for. We yearn for that ultimate sense of security that the lucky among us experienced periodically as a child. And the reality is that even that occasional sense of ultimate stability was only because we were too young to understand how easily it could be threatened.

A state of insecurity is inevitable. No foundation is immune to cracks. No rug is completely slip-resistant. And change and loss are guaranteed. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s because you’re fighting against the natural and the inevitable.

There’s a sort of confidence that can come from accepting this impermanence. From stopping the illusion that if you just work hard enough, hold on tightly enough, or control everything enough, that you can keep things as they are.

Detach From the Outcome

When I first started dating again, one of the many fears that held me back was the concern that the relationship would end, like my marriage, with some sort of abandonment or betrayal. I led with that fear, feeling insecure in my ability to maintain a relationship with somebody who wouldn’t behave badly.

During one particularly difficult evening, I pulled out my journal and made two columns – things I can control and things I cannot control. Under the first list, I added items like choosing a partner, learning to handle my triggers and not tolerating abusive behavior. Betrayal and abandonment went in the second column. No wonder I was feeling insecure; I was trying to control the outcome when I could only influence the process.

No matter what you do or who you are, it will not be enough for some people. And as long as you have acted within your values, done your best to be kind and put forth your highest effort, they’re opinions don’t matter.

Strive to Get Out of Your Head

When you’re in an echo chamber, you risk only hearing your own critical thoughts bouncing back at you. It’s amazing how our minds can take one little fact (They didn’t text back immediately.) and spin it into an entire narrative (I bet they’re falling out love and they are currently flirting with someone that they met at lunch. I won’t go through that again. I wonder if I’ll be able to get out of the lease…).

And like with anything, the more you allow your mind to travel that path, the more of a habit it will become.

Take a break from your own thoughts. Surround yourself – and listen – to others. Even, perhaps especially, those you disagree with. Get moving, when your body is moving forward, your brain naturally tags along. Strive to enter a flow state through art or sport or work, where time ceases to exist and the activity has become all-consuming.

Recognize That Insecurity Is Often Fleeting and Cyclical

I’ve just wrapped my seventeenth year teaching. And I’m still insecure at the beginning of every school year. I doubt my abilities to form relationships with the kids, I worry that they will be unable to master the material and I question my own capacity with the mathematics. I still feel insecure, but it no longer bothers me. I trust that it will build through the first week of school and then begin to dissipate as I again find my stride.

And this is often how insecurity operates. It swells and recedes, according to the calendar or some other external rhythm. This sort of periodic insecurity doesn’t require much intervention. Just an acknowledgement (Oh, I’m feeling insecure again.) and faith that it will only be temporary.

Set and Accomplish Meaningful Goals

When everybody gets a trophy, every trophy becomes meaningless. It is much the same with our personal goals. When you set (and even reach) a low bar, you fail to build any confidence in yourself. In fact, you may even find that you outright dismiss your achievements because you know that they don’t really represent a challenge.

Insecurity begs us to set these safe goals, to stay in a place of guaranteed success. Yet staying there only feeds the self-doubt. Instead, try something new. Something scary. Something difficult.

Yes, you may fail (And so what if you do?). But you also might surprise yourself. And that trophy certainly has meaning.

Separate Mistakes From Your Character

When you’re feeling insecure, mistakes become very threatening. An error in judgment or a misstep can easily be interpreted as a defect in character, thus both confirming and inflating your feelings of unworthiness. When you’re operating from this place of low esteem, it’s easy to see others as flawless and fear that you are somehow irrecoverably broken.

Of course, neither is true. And your mistakes are a sign that you are learning and trying, which is an indication that you’re brave and persistent. Both excellent qualities to have.

_____

The end of the first nine weeks is often a crisis point in my 6th grade accelerated math class. The kids are insecure, questioning their abilities no matter how many times I reassure them that struggle is normal and no matter how much they see the kids around them falter as well. Some give in to this feeling and drop out, preferring to move to class where they are again assured of their top standing. 

But most tough it out. And even as they question their ability to master the math, they keep trying. When they receive a poor grade, they no longer see that number as a reflection of themselves. They begin to accept that struggle is not only inevitable, but often desirable. Instead of turning away from challenge, they embrace it.

They become willing to take risks, trusting that they will find their way through. Mistakes become normalized and simply part of the process. They slowly start to again see themselves as smart. As capable.

But this time, those beliefs are not so easily threatened because they have been constructed to withstand the inevitable tremors and obstacles that will come their way.

And ultimately that’s how to overcome insecurity – Not by believing that your foundation is solid, but by trusting that your footing is capable and malleable. That even when things change, you’ll be able to adapt and thrive.

Don’t Forget to Plan Your Marriage (While You’re Busy Planning Your Wedding)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I visited my local Starbucks the other day to enjoy some coffee and free Wi-Fi. I was engaged in relatively mindless grading, so I let my ears wander to the conversations around me. One in particular caught my attention, as it pertained to the seemingly endless numbers of my former students getting married. There was a large group at the table across from me — a young engaged couple, parents, wedding planners (yes, plural) and a priest. The plans they were making were as detailed and complex as those made for a presidential inauguration.

We hear so much about wedding planning. There are entire industries built around helping the couple carry out their “perfect day.” It’s easy to get carried away in the romance and the idea that a single ceremony represents the entirety of a relationship. It’s easy to confuse the ability to control the details of a day with the potential for controlling an entire life. It may be easy, but like the eyes of the audience at a magic show, it is attention focused in the wrong direction. Wedding days should be special; it is a time to celebrate your bond and make a public declaration of your relationship. However, don’t be so busy planning your wedding that you neglect to plan your marriage. Here are a few things to keep in mind for your Big Day, and the days (and years) after you say “I do.”

 

Compromise
Weddings begin with compromise. Perhaps she wants to elope and he wants a large, family-filled church ceremony. Hopefully, a middle ground is agreed upon where each partner feels listened to and has his or her critical needs met. Compromise only beginswith the wedding day. As two lives become entwined, differing views and priorities are inevitable. Make sure you know how to navigate these differences in a balanced way.

 

Influence
Have you ever been to a wedding where you couldn’t tell if it was a day for the bride or the bride’s mom? Just as your wedding is your day and should be created in your image, your marriage is yours and yours alone. By all means, listen to the advice of those around you but remember that you make the ultimate decision of what your relationship will look like.

 

Children

Will children be welcomed at the ceremony or even given a featured role or instead will the invitations politely implore the attendees to leave their offspring at home? I’m always amazed to discover the number of couples that don’t discuss the desired role of children in their lives after marriage. Some, who see children as a natural progression from marriage, simply assume that their future spouse feels the same. Others have the discussion but fail to consider the repercussions if one partner later changes their mind or biology conspires against them. These are important – if difficult – conversations to have.

 

Religion

Apart from those betrothed couples that met at church, there will almost certainly be some differences in childhood or adult religious beliefs and practices. Since marriage vows have historically been performed within a religious framework, the wedding provides a wonderful opportunity to discuss the role and significance that religion will take for the couple. This conversation needs to extend beyond the wedding day. It’s even more important that the couple agrees on where every Sunday morning will be spent than on who will lead the service on the day the marriage begins.

 

Invitations
Most people are very deliberate about the friends they invite to be a part of their wedding. They want to surround themselves with others who will be supportive, realistic, and share in their joy. Be just as deliberate in choosing the friends that surround your marriage. We are influenced by those we spend our time with; choose wisely.

 

Beauty
Much time and money is put into creating the décor and ambiance of a wedding day. Just because the day is over and the budget is back to reality does not mean that you have to forgo beauty. Find ways to incorporate items that make you smile into your daily life. Any table is brightened by even the simplest centerpiece.

 

Words
The focus of a wedding is on the words spoken between the spouses-to-be — the promises and declarations to love, honor, and cherish. Even after the walk down the aisle, words, whether spoken or written, are still an important part of a marriage. Never assume that your spouse knows how you feel and never underestimate the power of a positive word or two. The best part? When you say how much you love or appreciate your partner, it fuels those positive feelings in you as well.

 

Balance
Many wedding traditions have a deliberate balance between the time spent as a couple and the time spent apart. Even when you married, it is important to spend time away from your partner, either alone or with other friends or family. Make sure you have discussed your needs and expectations for your balance of time; it’s important to reach an agreement between the two of you so that no one feels smothered and no one feels abandoned.

 

Tradition
Some of the meaning in a wedding comes from tradition — elements handed down through generations that create a sense of unity and belonging. Just because the ceremony has ended does not mean that there is not room for traditions in your marriage. Look to your families of origin for rituals that you can implement in your new union or seek to create your own traditions. These conventions will serve to strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and give you a foundation upon which to build lasting memories.

 

Money
It is the rare couple who marries without a budget. Just because the presents are unwrapped and put away and you have begun to get used to married life does not mean that the budget goes out the window. Make sure you and your new spouse continue to talk about money. Agree on common financial goals. Separate needs from wants. Don’t let nickels and dimes create a wall between you and your betrothed.

 

Publicity
A wedding is a public vow, whether it be made in a private ceremony or in front of thousands, it is still declaring your commitment to the world. After the wedding, life settles down and it’s easy to confine your marriage to your private life. Or, even worse, expose your frustrations with your spouse but keep mum about the joys. Even after the wedding, make a habit of speaking positively about your spouse and your marriage. Sharing this commitment publicly helps to keep it alive.

 

Fun
The best weddings are fun. They have a sense of levity and humor. Any mishaps are laughed about and the challenges are kept in perspective. That’s pretty good advice for a marriage, as well. Not every day will be a party but you can strive to find humor and laughter in every situation. Find ways to bring excitement and fun into your marriage. The associated smiles are priceless.

I’m sure that the couple I overheard at Starbucks will have a lovely wedding (and I am SO glad that I’m not footing the bill!). I just hope they have planned as thoroughly to have a lovely marriage.

Why Marriage Can Be Better the Second Time Around

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second marriage

I wrote this piece almost five years ago, just before I said “I do” for the second time. It has definitely been one of the better decisions I have ever made.

 

 

I am as familiar with the statistics as anyone — two-thirds of second marriages are expected to end in divorce. There are many factors often cited for this depressing outcome. The family unit is more diverse and less cohesive. The children tend to be older and more independent, thus staying together for the sake of the kids is less of an issue. The ghosts of spouses past can continue to haunt the new marriage. Perhaps one or both partners moved too quickly into a new relationship rather than allowing sufficient time to heal from the divorce or to address underlying issues. Or, maybe they spent so much time single that partnered life with its compromises and complexities is no longer a fit. And, of course, there is the fact that once you have been divorced and survived, it may be easier to tread that path again.

Regardless of the reasons, the numbers are clear. Second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions. But, when it comes to relationships, I don’t care about statistics. I care about individual marriages, including my own. And, rather than focus on the added challenges that can impact subsequent marriages, I choose to acknowledge the ways that a marriage can be better the second time around.

Value

I took my first marriage and my first husband for granted. He was always there and I assumed he would always be there. It wasn’t that I treated him poorly or neglected the marriage, I just didn’t understand the fragility of it and that it could disappear so easily. Now I know that no marriage is divorce-proof and that there are no guarantees. I like living with the awareness that the marriage could end; it makes me value it every day almost like a person who has received a terminal diagnosis appreciates every day they have left. I hope I have many more days with my new husband but I also try to live each one as if it may be my last.

When you know that something could end, you are more likely to value it. And when you value something, you are more likely to appreciate it and nurture it. And when you appreciate and nurture something, it is more likely to live on.

Wisdom

The end of a marriage can be a time rich with lessons. Hard lessons, to be sure, but valuable ones. It’s not uncommon for the wounds and behavior patterns of childhood to follow one into marriage. It’s not unusual for someone to choose a spouse that reminds them of a parent or to fall into a relationship that mirrors one from the past. Divorce can be a huge wake-up call from those automatic choices and behaviors. It is a time to heal from old hurts rather than repeat them. For me, that meant facing my fears of abandonment and recognizing (and changing) my behaviors that could lead to being jettisoned again.

When both partners have humbled themselves to the lessons of the end of a marriage, the resulting wisdom and experience can benefit a new relationship.

Balance

My first husband and I became adults together. We were each other’s constant as we navigated the challenges of early adulthood. As other aspects of life changed around us, we each became more reliant upon the other. We attended most social events together, never took separate vacations and even tended to run errands as a pair.

It’s different now; my now-husband and I were completely independent before we ever met. We each had our own fully developed lives and friendships. My new marriage has areas where our lives overlap, yet it also has plenty of distinct regions. We are independent in some ways and interdependent in others.

A second marriage means that the partners are older and have had time to establish themselves as independent adults before entering into an alliance with another. The edges are less blurred and more carefully maintained and each partner is less likely to be swallowed by the marriage.

Mystery

I knew my ex-husband from the time we were teenagers; I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I failed to notice that the man he became was no longer the man I knew. I saw what I expected to see.

With my new husband, I know there is still much to learn. Every week, I hear a new story or uncover some novel fact about his past. The sense of mystery is a reminder that getting to know someone is a never-ending process.

I don’t think I know what he is going to say.

So I listen.

I don’t have any expectations of what I will see.

So I look.

At first, this felt a bit scary to me. I wondered if I would ever feel like I knew him as well as I knew my ex. But then I realized, I only thought I knew my ex. The comfort in that was the wool over my eyes.

I like the dash of mystery. The reminder that he is himself, with all his own experiences and opinions, before he is my husband.

Intention

My first wedding felt like the inevitable conclusion to a good relationship. This marriage feels like a hard-won victory after years of facing struggle. The triumph of love over loss. Trust over betrayal. And peace over pain. Every step has been deliberate. Intentional. There’s no autopilot this time — I’m the one driving my life.

Clarity

Anyone who has survived the death of a marriage is bilingual — speaking the languages of love and loss. And experiencing the depths of the pain only makes love that much sweeter. I vow to never forget the agony because it makes me grateful every day for what I have. Divorce has a way of putting everything in perspective and helping you focus on what really matters.

And what matters to me is not the fact that two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce. I simply want to focus on what I can do to continue to make my second marriage happy and successful.

 

On a related note, I chose my second husband carefully after learning from my mistakes. Here are the significant ways that he’s different than my first.