Feeling Lonely After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We all experience those gut-dropping moments when we feel alone after divorce. Mine came one night when I realized that I was going to be late returning “home,” which was a spare bedroom generously offered for the school year by my friend and her husband. Used to being married, I panicked a bit, thinking that somebody would be worried about my whereabouts and welfare.

And then it hit me.

There wasn’t anybody that I needed to report to. There wasn’t somebody who needed to be kept in the loop about important decisions or changes in plan. It was only me.

Well, me and the cat, I guess.

I often see people respond to this natural and inevitable (and temporary!) feeling of loneliness by doing one of two things:

1) Isolating further and retreating into themselves (which only increases feelings of being unloved and unlovable).

or

2) Entering the dating scene too early as a source of attention and distraction (which only increases the feelings of being unseen and disposable).

How about trying these strategies instead?

 

The Subterfuge of Scarcity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I listened to an NPR podcast recently that explored the connection between poverty and the mental capacity for problem solving and planning for the future. On the one hand, the results of the research seem evident. After all, we all know that having money gives you the gift of not worrying about money.

On the other hand, the sheer magnitude of the effect was eye-opening. The researchers studied a particular group of sugar cane farmers in India that were “rich” for a few months after they received the annual payout for their efforts and destitute once the money inevitably ran out before the next harvest. The farmer’s impulse control and ability to plan for the long-term was measured and the results were striking. A lack of money literally makes it harder to think.

When the brain perceives scarcity, its focus narrows, much like how blood flow is shut off to the extremities in the case of an emergency situation. Decisions are made for the now, because short-term survival has to supersede any longer-term goals. The more evolved rational brain with its slower and more cautious processing is retired as the more primal and fast-acting limbic system takes center stage. As a result, actions are impulsive and although they may be advantageous in the moment, may cause the current scarcity situation to be lengthened.

A scarcity mindset and its impact on cognition are not limited to finances. When we’re short on time, we often fail to account for the moments we do have, focusing only on the lack of opportunities as the days fly by. When the cupboards are bare before the weekly grocery run, the creative impulse that could help to brainstorm options from the remaining food is dampened. And once the grocery trip is made, the emptiness of the belly may lead to poor choices in the store. The scarcity of words on the page causes writers’ minds to block. A perceived lack of available resources implicit in a short-term sale prompts the brain to jump at the first suggestion.

And after a break up, the scarcity of love and affection can result in an almost obsessive drive to find that intimacy again. Much like how those experiencing poverty may make poor decisions in regards to spending, those feeling a love deficit may make unhealthy choices when it comes to relationships. Anyone who shows attention and kindness is welcomed without regard as to the longer-term suitability and impact. It meets the needs of the moment, filling the void and postponing the sense of loneliness. Yet in the long term, those temporary fill-ins can cause more harm than good.

Since money, time, groceries, ideas, sale prices and love cannot be supplied upon demand, are we simply doomed to experience the cognitive weaknesses prompted by scarcity? In some ways, yes. We have evolved to prioritize the most important needs during times of drought. And when something is lacking, there is only so mental trickery we can do to pretend otherwise.

Yet we are not helpless in times of shortage. We can begin by recognizing what is lacking and also the extent of the impact on our initial reactions. Refrain from exaggerating the situation. Acknowledge what is needed and also be aware of what is still present. Balance the fear for what is missing with gratitude for what is not. Reflect on other times of scarcity and remember when the rains eventually came. Use external methods of providing structure and boundaries to help your reckless brain. If you are driven to make a poor choice, be kind to yourself and also strive to find a way to refrain from repeating the mistake.

Scarcity uses subterfuge to trick us into staying in a place of lack. It deceives us into making decisions that satisfy in the moment and starve us over time. Learn to recognize its pretense and be mindful before listening to its bidding.

Because nurturing new growth comes from watering what you have rather than focusing on the fear that you will never have.

 

 

The 8 Loneliest Moments After Divorce (And How to Lessen Their Sting)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
loneliest

There is no escaping the feeling of loneliness after divorce. After all, a shared life has been cleaved into two separate paths. The sense of isolation is a quiet companion for much of the time, although some circumstances cause it to wake up wailing. Here’s when you can expect the loneliness to be at its worst and what you can do to lessen its sting.

The Emergency Contact

After the discovery of my then husband’s affairs, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to ensure that there weren’t any lasting physical effects. I dutifully began to fill out the paperwork to update my information when I stopped short at the line asking for an emergency contact. For years, he had been the default name on that line. Now, who should I designate? Any family was thousands of miles away and it seemed strange to list a friend. I felt orphaned.

To lessen its sting… I texted a friend, asking if she was okay being my default emergency contact for the foreseeable future. Her response was heartfelt and immediate. I no longer felt quite so abandoned. It’s easy for us to make assumptions about how isolated we are when there are people around us ready to step up. Ask. You may be surprised.

The Nights

And especially that empty bed. That first night, I alternated sitting on the couch and walking the darkened neighborhood streets. I couldn’t even look at the marital bed, much less sleep in it. That rectangular prism of wood and cloth represented so many memories. Merely the thought of it made me ache for the warmth of his body next to mine.

To lessen its sting… Change it. Claim it. If you are staying in the same home with the same bed, purchase new linens. Move the furniture. Switch to a new brand of laundry detergent that doesn’t smell like memories. If you’re relocating to a new space, make a conscious decision to not replicate what you had. And regardless of your situation, fill the void with a furry companion or a particularly snuggle-able pillow. As for the nights themselves, make sure both your Netflix and your library accounts are current.

The Sharable Moment

It was just sign, erected outside of a new construction site. But to me, it was part of an ongoing conversation. My then-husband and I had wondered and debated about the nature of the new building. And when, days after he left, the mystery was revealed, I found that I had composed the text to him and was ready to press “send” before I realized what I was doing.

To lessen its sting… First, eliminate the element of muscle memory. Move the contact info to a different area of your phone so that you don’t connect on autopilot. Then, decide if this can be shared with someone else or even on social media. Sometimes we feel better just releasing the idea or observation out into the world. If it’s best kept quiet, try writing it down. I kept a small notebook just for this purpose. Also, find comfort in the fact that this impulse will fade with time.

The Shared History

When the first dog we got together died, I grieved not only for her but for the fact that I couldn’t share memories of her life with my then-husband. When he left, I was left with years of shared memories with no match, like a puzzle with missing pieces. I tried to share with others, but I soon learned that this was one of those times when “you had to be there.”

To lessen its sting… When there is an ending to a shared beginning (anything from a death to a promotion to a child graduating high school), make a concerted effort to mark it with some sort of ceremony, either public or private. When you feel the ache of unrequited shared memories, shift your focus to building new memories, new shared histories with other people. If a particular place or date holds painful memories of a lost history, try memory layering – intentionally building new experiences over the old. And here’s how long it takes to create a new shared history.And here’s how long it takes to create a new shared history.

 

Continue to read the rest.

 

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Homeless In Life: Overcoming Emotional Isolation After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
isolation

I had two conversations recently with two different people about the isolation and sense of desolation after divorce. About waking up every day already exhausted at the effort. About filling the time with activities and get-togethers, but never really feeling connected.

It’s a sense of being homeless in life. With the worst homesickness imaginable for the life you lost.

But just like a night spent on the street doesn’t mean a person will never have a bed again, time spent homeless in life doesn’t predict your future.

So how do you find and create your home again?

It starts with sleep.

If you’re not rested, everything becomes an insurmountable obstacle. Your mood will be even further depressed, your thinking will slow and your emotions will be amplified.

If sleep is difficult to come by, get help. I needed medication to sleep and eat those first few months. And that’s okay.

Be aware if you’re sleeping too much, as it may be a sign of avoidance or, more seriously, depression. Again, there is no shame in asking for help. It’s there for a reason.

This is intensive work. Push when you need to and don’t forget to rest when you can.

Shift your focus away from your ex.

If you’re thinking more about your ex than you are about you, you’re looking the wrong way. Start by clearing away physical reminders, including those lurking on your technology.

Then, start to do the same with your thoughts. Begin with the intention that you want to release the hold these thoughts have on you and the belief that letting go, although it seems frighting, is the way to freedom.

There are many tools that can be effective here. Journaling is one of my favorites. But use what works for you. Be prepared to some trial and error. After all, none of had “Personalized Divorce Recovery 101” in school:)

Thoughts about your ex will surface. And that’s okay. Think of them like a bird landing on your deck. You notice it, but you don’t have to chase it. Attend to your negative thoughts the same way. Acknowledge that they are there. And then let them fly away on their own time. Here’s yet another way to think about it.

If you do better with boundaries and structure, create your own ritual to interrupt those thoughts. Yes, the rubber band on the wrist trick really can work!

Pay attention to when you feel the most you.

When are you out of your head and in a flow? If you haven’t achieved that recently, think back. What activities, people or locations are correlated with this feeling? What key elements need to be present or must be absent for you to be fully in the moment.

Then invite those moments into your life as much as possible. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preserving. And you are worth it!

Beware of busyness for the sake of busyness.

When we’re lonely and feeling isolated, we often try to fill every little nook and cranny of our lives with something to do. And much of that is positive – It keeps you active, allows you to try new things and meet new people and it leaves less time for rumination.

But taken too far, and this strategy backfires. Not only can it become a way to avoid doing the processing you need to do, it also feels inauthentic.

And the whole goal is to get you back to your authentic self, not a facsimile of you just going through the motions.

Be ready to say “no” to people who think they know what’s best for you. Set boundaries with those that intrude too far and ask too much. This isn’t about trying to make other people feel good. It’s about you cultivating the good in you.

 

Attend to the physical.

I don’t know about you, but my brain is a slow learner.

So I trick it:)

If I’m anxious, I go for a long run which forces me to breathe deeply and slowly, thus telling my brain that everything is okay. If sadness is my emotion de jour, I play with Tiger and enjoy the oxytocin boost. When I’m feeling unsettled, I pile a heavy comforter over top of my prone body, the weight helping to anchor my unmoored mind.

This is another area where you’ll have to engage in some trial and error. Identify the thoughts and emotions you want to dampen and strive to find physical ways to trick them into submission. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Give yourself a goal.

Humans need purpose. And after divorce, it’s easy to feel as though you have no purpose. So create one. Make it moderately big. Something that will take some time to achieve, but with an end that is in sight. Make in tangible and measurable. Write it down. Decide how you will be accountable. And then start taking those baby steps to your goal.

Here’s one suggestion. But again, find what works for you.

Take time to be with you.

I remember post-divorce feeling like I had just suffered some horrific injury and I was afraid to look too closely to survey the damage. Because I’m a goober, I actually scheduled a day to just be with my thoughts a few months after he left. I dreaded that day.

But the day itself?

Empowering.

Because once you know what you’re dealing with, you can begin to act upon it.

So much of that isolation you feel isn’t because you’re apart from your former spouse. It’s because you’ve tried to distance yourself from your own pain. It’s time to meet back up with yourself again.

Because once you do that, you’re home.

Understanding and Addressing Loneliness After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It has been postulated that loneliness is one of the primary epidemics of our age. Loneliness is much more complex then it may seem; the single person living alone may not be lonely while the married person constantly surrounded with others might be. Teenagers today, never far from their countless social media feeds, report feeling lonelier than generations past. Loneliness comes not from the quantity of our social connections, but from the quality.

Loneliness is so much more than the ache of being isolated. It is associated with a greater risk of depression and an increased chance of death though all means. We are a social species; like Maslow’s young monkeys proved, we have evolved to form relationships. And we only thrive when those relationships thrive.

Understanding Loneliness After Divorce

Your spouse probably knew you better than anybody. Even if the final years of the marriage were filled with conflict, just the fact that he or she knew exactly how to push those buttons is a sign that you were known. And then at some point, either before or after the split is made official, you became persona non grata in his or her eyes. And that’s the door sliding shut on your solitary confinement.

If you do not have children or your children spend time visiting their other parent, you are facing the haunting echoes of an empty home. The barren space mirroring the chasm in your heart. It’s a strange feeling, being alone, when you’re used to another person being there. Even if your spouse traveled frequently leaving you home, you may find that the finality to this emptiness gives it more weight.

The end of a marriage is the end of so much more. Like the ripples from a stone thrust rudely into the waters, the impact of the divorce carries far and wide. You may lose friends. And many of the friendships will certainly change. It’s a cruel joke – when you need connections the most, they fall apart.

Some of loneliness after divorce is inevitable. There is a void that takes time to fill. There are changes to adapt to and a curve to learn.

But you don’t have to sit idly by. You may feel as though you’re in solitary confinement, but the only locks on that door are the ones you secured yourself.

Addressing Loneliness After Divorce

The first step in combating loneliness is understanding your social and relationship needs. Are you an introvert that thrives on alone time and only needs a few close connections? Or, are you happier when you are surrounded by people? It’s an important distinction. The introvert can feel lonely and stressed if in the center of the action, whereas an extrovert can feel painfully isolated even in the company of a single close companion. Know thyself. And create a world that matches your needs.

So many rebound relationships are entered into in an attempt to patch that intimacy void left by a departing spouse. It never works, at least at first. It takes time to form connection; a new relationship, no matter how exciting, does not yet have that vulnerability and intimacy of an established one. Instead of looking to new partners to fill that gap, turn to existing relationships. This is a great time to nurture that bond with a close family member or your best friend. Those relationships tend to take a back seat when you’re married. Invite them to sit shotgun.

In divorce, you lose people. So go find more. Invite a coworker to lunch. Accept the invitation to a party. Join Meetup.com and sign up for a group that interests you. Get to know your local grocery clerks; a smile and some brief chatter from a friendly face can change your entire day.

Cultivate your passions. What did you used to enjoy doing as a child or young adult that you no longer do? This is your opportunity. Pick up that paintbrush again. Brush the dust off that guitar. Sign up for the soccer league. When you’re engaged in what you love, you don’t feel lonely. Even if you’re the only one in the room.

One of the most devastating elements of loneliness is the feeling that you don’t matter. That you could exit the world today and no one would even notice. So make an impact. Join a volunteer organization. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister. Spend time with the elderly at a retirement home and gain wisdom from their stories. Or, register to rock newborns in the nursery and gain hope from their innocent eyes.

Ultimately, loneliness is a choice. And inaction is choosing to remain isolated.

So if you’re feeling lonely, do something.

Reach out.

Nurture connections.

And get busy.

Divorce can make you lonely.

But you don’t have to stay there.