Back to School Blues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m in a funk.

A stressed-out, down-in-the-dumps funk.

I have a precious few days left before the intensity and insanity of the school year returns.

And I feel like I’m wasting them.

I feel pressured to make the most of this time while also also allowing anxiety to build from the other direction as I start to think about what needs to happen for this school year (the local paper constantly reporting on the changes to testing/teacher evaluation doesn’t help!).

It’s not unlike the mad dash of an Alaskan summer to get everything done before the harsh winter sets in.

But I’m letting the upcoming winter cool my summer.

I’m allowing August to seep into my July.

It’s like a steroided-out version of the Sunday night blues – when you mourn the loss of the freedoms of the weekend while berating yourself for not accomplishing every goal and allow thoughts of Monday’s tasks to intrude.

Ugh.

It doesn’t help that the intense humidity and near-constant storms have kept me from my usual cure for anxiety and too much thinking – a long run. I managed to get in four (very sweaty) miles yesterday, but that wasn’t quite enough. I still feel the pent-up energy building in anticipation along with the frustration that my days will no longer be mine to schedule.

I’m giving myself a series of goals and intentions for the last few days and I’m sharing them so that I am held accountable:

– Embrace rest. Time resting is not wasted. Give yourself permission to just read or nap or chill by the pool. It’s okay.

– Don’t waste time thinking about the changes and new pressures coming at school. You’ll have plenty of time to think about them when you’re there. And, really, they matter less than you think.

– Do something special each day you have left (favorite lunch buffet. hike, yoga class, paddleboard rental,  etc.). Mark each day with a smile.

– Don’t add to your pressure. If you want to write, write. But don’t force it. The blogs will be there.

– Rather than focus on what didn’t get accomplished this summer, be happy about what did get done and, even more importantly, what did get enjoyed.

– Prioritize sleep.

– When thoughts of school come up, shift them to thinking about how good it will be to see your teacher friends again.

– Run in the rain and try not to get struck by lightening:)

 

 

 

 

 

You’re Not Special

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’re not special.

That realization was the  hardest pill for me to swallow post-divorce.

I would read or listen about the depths of pain others experienced through divorce and silently believe that my pain had to be different.

Special.

And I had plenty of evidence to back up my belief. After all, how many 16 year relationships end with a text, fraud and bigamy?

It was a great excuse to delay the real work of healing for a time; by focusing on the sordid details, I gave myself a reason to ignore the collective wisdom from the universal experience of love and loss. On the surface, I would graciously accept guidance and advice while tacitly believing that it didn’t apply to me.

Because I thought that my situation, my experience, my pain was special.

I focused on what set me apart rather than what bound me to the common.

I thought I was special. And that belief was both affirming and alienating, giving blessing to the pain and isolating me from others. It’s a lonely place, sorted into a group of one by the particulars of your story. The blessings of excuses soon wear out their welcome and the focus on the details begins to feel like an un-welcomed quarantine.

My unexpected guide out of the isolation chamber of my perceived specialness came in the form of books. Fiction, mostly, and in many cases, not even particularly good fiction. As has always been my habit, I made a weekly library trip and loaded up on whatever was available – mystery, thriller, historical and even some that could be classified as chic lit.

And I read.

And, as is to be expected, my own recent experiences altered the lens I used to view these fictitious worlds; I related to characters who were facing some unimaginable trauma and were suddenly tasked with the seemingly impossible assignment of rebuilding their lives.

And I learned that when it comes to pain, the details don’t matter.

I empathized with characters facing illness, losing loved ones in myriad ways, dealing with natural and manmade disasters and even with those experiencing what would be classified by most as a minor loss. I related to the antagonists and protagonists, men and women, children and elderly and even the occasional non-human. In almost every story, I found elements shared with my own.

My focus blurred, editing out the details and seeing instead the ever-present themes of love and loss, of fear and shame and of hope and persistence.

I wasn’t special.

And I welcomed that realization.

It meant I wasn’t alone. That others had faced similar and thrived. That even though this was a new path to me, it was well-worn and well-marked.

Pain isn’t a solitary experience and healing is not a solo journey.

And even though you are unique and awesome in your own way, when it comes to suffering, you’re not special.

Rather than focus on what sets your pain and experience apart, find comfort in what binds you to others.

You’re not special. And you’re also not alone.

Group hug?:)

 

 

Mother’s Maiden Name

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I knew his mother’s maiden name.

His parent’s middle names. His social security number. I could list his schools and their associated mascots. I knew the name and breed of every dog his family every owned. I’d sifted through all of his baby pictures, watching the chubby toddler grow into the awkward, skinny boy who finally transformed into the teenager I loved. I knew the family recipes and the family secrets.

But I keep coming back to his mother’s maiden name.

I used to find security in that knowledge, as though it was some talisman against future tragedy. I thought I knew everything about him. That I was so deep within the fold that secrets couldn’t exist between us.

It was an illusion, of course. You never completely know another person; you only know what they choose to show you.

It’s funny sometimes how life works out. The day after the text that ended it all, his mother’s maiden name gained me access into our joint accounts after he changed the password.

The talisman against tragedy became the key to unlocking the scope of the tragedy.

And in the end, that’s really all his mother’s maiden name was good for.

 

The Best is Yet to Come

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had a conversation the other day where I challenged someone to describe the good that came from a recent and devastating break-up (I know, you’re shocked, right?).

Part of her response-

I love knowing that my best and happiest love is yet to come. I have that to look forward to.

She actually made me speechless with that assessment. In all my years of dissecting out every little scrap of good from my horrific divorce, this was one benefit I never unearthed. And yet, as soon as I heard it, I felt it.

And she’s right.

 

It’s so easy to grasp onto what was rather than hold hope for what can be.

It’s so easy to view the past through a rose tint and imagine that no future can ever measure up.

It’s so easy to focus on what has been lost rather than what can be gained.

It’s so easy to fill up on sadness and not leave room for smiles.

 

We zero in on what we know and what we know is the past, the pain.

Try making the belief that the best is yet to come at the center of your heart and aim your thoughts that way.

 

What I love about her words is that they focus on hope. They build excitement and anticipation. They speak of an assurance that our hearts are capable of love even after heartbreak.

The best is yet to come.

Are you ready for it?

 

Prepare For the Worst, Expect the Best and Live For Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The people of Alaska absolutely captivated me.

And nowhere was this more true than in Ketchikan, a town of around 8,000 people pressed between the towering mountains of the Tongass Forest on one side and the frigid waters of the Tongass Narrows on the other. Like many Alaskan cities, Ketchikan is only accessible by plane or boat. There are no airports in the actual city of Ketchikan; you must either utilize one of the countless floatplanes or land on Gravina Island and take a ferry across the inside passage into town (this is the site of the proposed “Bridge to Nowhere“).

Our first glimpse of the city from the ship.
Our first glimpse of the city from the ship.

At first glance, Ketchikan may resemble many other quaint coastal towns that survive off fishing and tourism.

Pretty small!
Pretty small!

But this isn’t any quaint coastal town. Although the temperate rainforest location helps to moderate the temperatures, this is no pleasure island; an everyday stroll can turn into a fight for survival at any moment. The winds fly through nearby Nichols Passage at hurricane forces through much of the winter months, forcing residents to hunker down and stranding them from any potential way out. The sun never stays long and is usually only visible through the ever-shifting layers of clouds. The forest is untamed and the wildlife is not safely tucked away in some zoo.

Survival is a way of life here.

But it’s not a way of living.

One of the benefits of taking this trip with my extroverted husband is that he engaged in conversation with everybody. We learned that one of the employees for Ketchikan Outdoors was brought there by her mom in middle school and now, as a college student in the lower forty-eight, returns to Alaska in the summer for work. She told us about the transition from a middle school with 1,000 students to one with 200 and the need to take a ferry for any interscholastic sports competitions. We met the owner of the excursion company, who first saw the city on a cruise and made the decision to move there after a second visit where he fell in love with a woman as well as the town. Our guide decided to call Ketchikan home after experiencing its raw and powerful beauty. And our server that afternoon was born and raised in the small town and, after a brief stint away, felt called back home.

Creek Street
Creek Street

Each of these residents spoke in glowing terms about their community. Yet they also remained firmly anchored in reality; life in Ketchikan can be hard.

So they prepare for the worst.

Every 7th grader is required to undergo survival training and complete a survival hike. The 8th graders have to demonstrate their survival skills with an overnight island stay with minimal supplies. Residents carry survival gear in the colder months for even a short trip into town, realizing that the weather turns on a quarter dime in SE Alaska. Nothing is taken for granted as winter approaches, supplies and food gathered and stored.

Full survival gear. Hard to believe I was in a bikini the day before!
Full survival gear. Hard to believe I was in a bikini the day before!

Yet they expect the best.

It would be easy to become fatalistic about death here; it takes far too many before their time. Yet even though tragedy is a constant threat, the people of Ketchikan possess a limitless spirit of hope and teamwork. We heard one story of a small fishing boat crashing within sight of the city. The stranded boaters immediately went into survival mode and one was spotted in a tree by a little British lady on her Zodiac excursion. The weather may have bested them, but they had faith in themselves and their community.

The rocks were covered with seals and eagles.
The rocks were covered with seals and eagles.

And they live for today.

I think I understand what is so captivating about Ketchikan – it is a place of acceptance and living in the moment. The shifting clouds change the views from each second to the next. The eagles swoop past in a flash and the whales peek through the waves. It’s a place that refuses to be tamed, to be controlled and molded into some imagined ideal.

A bald eagle grabbing a fish just feet in front of us!
A bald eagle grabbing a fish just feet in front of us!

Because it is perfect just as it is.

Although I think I’ll limit my visits to the summer months:)

If you ever find yourself in Ketchikan (and I hope you do!), I strongly recommend the Zodiac boat tours by Ketchikan Outdoors. They are a great group of people who run a great operation. We were the envy of our cruise ship!