Turning Points

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Two high school girls came into my last period class on Friday to talk with my 8th graders about the decisions they would soon be facing about their high school classes and clubs. One of my students bravely said to me in front of a small group, “I’m nervous. I mean these are the first decisions that I am going to make that will impact the rest of my life. I’m going to look back on this as a turning point.” The others nodded in agreement.

And in many ways, she’s right. At 14, most of the major decisions impacting her life have been carried out by her parents. Over the next few years, her parents will have less influence on her life and she will begin to take the reins and the responsibility. And it’s a big responsibility.

At 14, she probably still believes that life is linear, that one decision once set in motion, will inevitably lead to the next logical step. She may not yet have learned that life has a way of inserting itself (sometimes rudely) into our plans. And that often those turning points sneak up on us when we’re busy blindly carrying out our life blueprint.

Those critical and conscious decisions we make certainly influence our lives: school, marriage, career, children. But the way that we respond to the setbacks and challenges often carries even more weight. Turning points are not only found in major course corrections; they live in how you approach every moment.

And as long as you keep learning and growing, no turning point is ever wasted.

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Growth Mindset in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I can’t do math.”

These are often the first words out of my incoming students’ lips when I first meet them each August.

“Then I’m going to make it my personal goal for the year to show you that you can,” I always respond with an encouraging smile. Because before I can teach them math, I have to teach them that they can do math.

I first learned about fixed versus growth mindsets in my developmental psychology class in college. At its heart, it states that we fall into one of two camps when it comes to beliefs about self – one that asserts that we are born to be good at certain things and inadequate at others and one that maintains that we can always improve.

I was intrigued. Could we really change how people interact with the world and embrace challenge simply by praising their efforts as children rather than their innate gifts?

It seems so.

In fact, I would argue that it is one of the most important lessons, not only for our children, but ourselves.

Because if you believe your nature and abilities are fixed, you are imprisoned by your own beliefs. Whereas if you trust that you can learn from your experiences, obstacles make you stronger instead of holding you back.

A fixed mindset says, “I am my ability.” A growth mindset says, “I am my effort.”

A fixed mindset claims, “The product is all that matters.” A growth mindset responds, “I learn and grow through the process.”

A fixed mindset declares, “My weaknesses are part of who I am and should be hidden.” A growth mindset insists, “My weaknesses show me areas where I can improve.”

A fixed mindset believes in fate. A growth mindset takes responsibility.

A fixed mindset blames and deflects. A growth mindset listens and adapts.

A fixed mindset prefers to live inside a comfort zone. A growth mindset embraces the idea that growth occurs at the edge of panic and ease.

“Growth mindset” is now a buzzword in education as well as business, where companies seek out new hires that demonstrate this trait. Perhaps it’s time for it to become a buzzword in marriages as well.

A fixed mindset seeks a partner who worships and validates you. A growth mindset desires a partner who challenges and encourages you.

A fixed mindset sees a conflict in the marriage as a fatal flaw. A growth mindset recognizes conflict as opportunity.

A fixed mindset feels threatened by feedback and responds defensively. A growth mindset is grateful for the chance to improve.

A fixed mindset creates a marriage that is rigid. A growth mindset leads to a marriage that is flexible and adaptable.

A fixed mindset is driven by a need for approval. A growth mindset is motivated by a need to learn.

A fixed mindset seeks validation outside of yourself and it will never be enough. A growth mindset finds validation within yourself and it will always be enough.

With children, we teach them to have a growth mindset by praising their efforts, “You worked really hard on that project,” rather than their abilities, “You are so smart at reading.” As adults, it is more difficult to adjust our ingrained patterns. But it is not impossible.

Start by identifying one fixed belief you have about yourself (What do you say you “can’t” do?). And then work to change it.

Here’s how I applied that idea in my own life.

A growth mindset says you’re good. And you can be better.

Now go to it!

I Never Loved You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The gaslighting doesn’t necessarily stop when the relationship ends.

 

“I never loved you.”

“I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

“You’re impossible to live with.”

 

Those were some of the words my ex chose to leave me with in the correspondence he exchanged with my mother. They were little bombs hooked to a timer set to detonate after he walked out the door.

At first, those words devastated me. Could they be true? Was I a wretch? Impossible? Unlovable? Piled on top of the rejection, they were an added kick when I was already down and out.

But then they made me angry. If he never loved me, why would act otherwise so consistently? If he hadn’t been happy for a long time, that was his responsibility to say something and change something. If I was so impossible to live with, why did he live with me for 14 of our 16 years together?

Those parting words were nothing but further fabrications. Gaslighting from a safe distance to try to tamp down any resistance. Perhaps blowtorching would be a proper term here? I’m picturing the scene from Alien:)

Perhaps part of the intent was to maim, but I believe the main goal was to rectify his own cognitive dissonance.

Because when you tell a lie frequently enough, it starts to become your truth.

 

If he believed he never loved me, it made it easier to hurt me.

If he claimed he wasn’t happy for a long time, he could blame it on the marriage.

And if he made me impossible to reside with, it made it easier to walk away.

 

Before you believe the hurtful words your ex threw your direction, make sure to see what they had to gain by them.

6 Letters to Write After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
letters divorce

Some people get a “good” break-up. They get transparency, conversation, empathy and some form of closure.

But the rest of us?

We get abandonment, betrayal, deceptions and any hope of a conclusion has to come without the cooperation of the other party. Or perhaps our ex is present but insists on shifting the blame and responding in anger, instead of telling you what you need to move on. And even if you had a “good” divorce, there still may be things left unsaid that are holding you back.

I spent many months thinking I needed something from him – an explanation, an apology, even an argument would have been preferable to radio silence.

Eventually, I tired of waiting on him. So I took matters into my own hands, picked up a pen and held the conversation myself.

Over the next several months, I wrote six letters – three to him, two to me and one “from” him. I never sent any of them, although I have published a few in an edited form. The letters were never about him. They were about allowing me the conversation, the explanation and the apology I never received. And even though the words all came from within, the release was as real as I could get without him taking part in the dialog.

Writing these letters may feel strange; they’re more about feeling and less about thinking. Writing these letters may be painful; they force you to address issues you’d probably rather politely decline. And writing these letters is freeing; when you write it, you can change the narrative in your mind and create your happy ending.

From: Present Self
To: Self Before Break-Up

Purpose: This letter’s purpose is multifold – it helps to alleviate any guilt you may feel at how things ended, it allows you to explore any lessons found in the past and it acts a cheerleader to help keep you going through the dark days post divorce. If you are six months or more post break-up, you can also write a letter to your self that was in the early days after the end of the relationship; it helps to s=build compassion for yourself and illustrates how far you’ve come.

 

From: Present Self
To: Ex

Purpose: Of all of the letters, this is probably the most frequently written. I know for me, they (yes, there was more than one!) practically demanded to be typed out, fingers slamming the keyboard in anger. This is the letter where you say all of the things you wish you could/had to your ex with no concern of repercussion. Don’t censor yourself; write what comes. This is not a letter meant to be shared, rather it is a good candidate for the purification of fire.

From: Present Self
To: Ex

Purpose: This one’s a doozy; it requires that you flip all of your current thoughts on their head. You’re addressing your ex again, but this time in gratitude rather than in anger. I call this radical gratitude, where you express your appreciation for the person and situation that hurt you the most. Unlike the previous letter, this one actually benefits from seeing the light of day – not by being sent, but by being posted in an area where you can be reminded each day of the gifts hidden beneath.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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The Little Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to smile when I reached the realization.

Brock and I were couch-locked, tucked under blankets in front of a roaring fire built to chase away the cold. The movie we selected began with some screen text to set the scene. Without hesitation, Brock started to read the words to me. Not because I’m illiterate, but because I’m pretty much blind. He always reads distant (I’m useless with street signs) or movie text to me without my having to ask.

A half hour later, my lips were starting to lose their protective coating of beeswax. “Where’s the emergency chapstick?” I asked. He picked up the extra tube from the end table and passed it over to me. Within weeks of starting to date, he had emergency chapstick stashed in his car and around his house. I can get pretty panicky when I can’t locate lip balm.

After the movie ended, I retired to bed (I’m pitiful) while Brock stayed downstairs to watch another flick. Some time later, I felt my Kindle being lifted off my head and my glasses being slid off my face. I stirred and grunted as he kissed my forehead before walking over to his side of the bed. One of the signs of my singleness for a few years was the semi-permanent indentations on my nose from falling asleep with my glasses on every night. Now that only happens when he’s out of town.

Each of those gestures says he sees me. He knows me. He loves me.

We tend to look for love in the grand scale. The words. The romance. The events.

When it often finds its home in the little things.