Moments of Vulnerability After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are things about divorce that nobody tells you ahead of time.

This is one of them.

Before my tsunami divorce, I felt like a capable adult.

After?

There were moments where I felt like a complete badass.

And moments where I felt like a weak and vulnerable child.

Those feelings of vulnerability have a tendency to pop up at the most unexpected times.

 

When Somebody Shows You Kindness

I felt a strange mixture of relief and vulnerability when I first talked to the officer that arrested my then-husband. Relief because I had somebody who knew what they were doing to take control for a bit. And vulnerability because his kindness revealed both how in need I was and helped prevent me from an “everybody sucks and I’m going to become a hermit” mentality.

For months, every act of kindness extended my way was met with tears. Of gratitude and also from a feeling of powerlessness. Because apparently I wasn’t as good as hiding my vulnerability and pain as I liked to think I was.

 

During an Uncontrolled Reaction to Something Small

Every time my phone would buzz, I would jump. I feared more bad news from the attorneys or police. I dreaded yet another fruitless and scary conversation with a creditor. And I secretly hoped it was my still-husband, full of apologies and regrets.

I hated the power that damn phone had over me. I wanted to be in control of my feelings and it was such a humbling admission that this little brick of metal and plastic had more sway with my emotions than I did.

 

When You’re Sick or Injured

It was just a run-of-the-mill stomach bug. But on top of feeling miserable, I felt completely helpless. Not only was my body useless, my mind was as well. And this time, I didn’t have my husband to lean on and act as my protector while I healed. More than ever before, I related to animals that hide in their burrows whenever they’re sick or injured. It’s simply too scary to face the world when you’re less than a hundred percent.

 

When You Need Help With a Task

It’s funny in hindsight. I was shoving things in my car to take them from my marital home turned mausoleum to the friend’s house where I would be staying. At one point, I needed three hands to both carry things, open a door and shoo away a pernicious yellow jacket.

Only there were no hands nearby to help.

I set down the things I was carrying with the intention of swatting at the insect and opening the door. Instead, I ended up sitting on my driveway (only it wasn’t really mine anymore) sobbing for the next several minutes. In that moment, everything seemed impossible.

 

When You Realize You’re Alone

It was just a stupid form.

Yet it was so much more.

“Emergency contact” stared back at me with accusing eyes, as though taunting me that I didn’t have anyone to put in the blank.

I could put in one of my parents, yet they both lived across the country, so that seemed somewhat silly. I could pencil in the friend I lived with, but she was completely overwhelmed with being the emergency contact for her new baby. I sifted through other friends, yet I kept picturing them confused when they received a call as my emergency contact. “Why did she pick me?” they would think.

And so I left it blank.

Realizing that ultimately, I had to take care of myself.

When You Meet Someone New

I was supposed to be happy.

And I was.

But I was also scared sh*tless.

Because if I developed feelings for this guy, it meant I would have to open up.

And if I opened up, I risked being hurt all over again.

But if I stayed curled up in my protective burrow, I knew I would never live again.

 

 

Gratitude Without the Bullsh*t

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Gratitude.

It’s become quite the buzzword, hasn’t it. It’s right up there with kale and yoga in the perpetual quest for wellness and happiness.

We are told we should buy gratitude journals or download the latest app that will send us reminders that we should be grateful. Ads pop into our feeds with t-shirts emblazoned with, “Thankful, Grateful, Blessed.” And we hear everyone from scientists to pop stars lecture us about the importance of gratitude.

And some days we’re feeling it. The sun is shining and we actually have the bandwidth to appreciate it.

Other days?

The pressure to feel grateful just feels like one more burden and the inability to reach that goal simply feels like one more failure.

Which kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

_____

The problem with the constant push for gratitude is that it begins to feel forced. As inauthentic as a carefully posed and filtered Instagram image. We do it, but we don’t feel it. And even worse, when gratitude is feigned, we feel a dissonance as we deny what we are really feeling in the moment.

An intentional relationship with gratitude has been important in my healing process from my tsunami divorce. I’ve found a way that works for me to practice gratitude without feeling forced or denying that sometimes life is just hard. Maybe these strategies will work for you too.

Gratitude Without the Bullsh*t

1 – What Are You Looking Forward To?

I try to start every day with this question – “What are you looking forward to?” I take a moment and think about what is coming on that day as well as what is on my calendar for the coming weeks and months. Some of the anticipations are small – a cup of tea brewing on the counter, a pleasant weather forecast or wearing my favorite shirt. Others are more exciting, like an upcoming visit with friends or a planned trip.

When I find that I’m struggling to find things to look forward to, I make a concerted effort to schedule some smiles. Those are just as important to have on the calendar as any meetings or appointments.

There is a caveat to this strategy – you have to keep your expectations in check. There will be times when the looked-forward-to-thing doesn’t happen and if you’re too wedded to a particular outcome that is outside of your control, it’s easy to become disappointed or even defeated. The point of this exercise isn’t to place your happiness on a certain event, but rather to simply recognize that there are always good things on the horizon and to celebrate that excitement that comes with anticipation.

 

2 – Both And

When we suddenly lost our very special dog Tiger two years ago, it was very hard. The grief was intense and the loss overwhelming. My husband and I dedicated the weekend to remembering him and his impact on our lives. Interwoven with the grief was a gratitude that we had 8 years with this very special dog along with the awareness that the reason the pain was so great was because he was so great.

Finding gratitude through life’s hardest moments is powerful. But if artificially applied like a pigmented lacquer to try to hide peeling wood, it only leaves you feeling worse. It’s important to acknowledge the hard stuff, to be honest with yourself that sometimes life sucks and there are no silver linings.

And it’s also not allowing this great pain to block out all light, to eclipse all awareness of the joys in life. It’s not denying the loss; it’s feeling the loss and leaving room to see the joys. We cannot force ourselves to be grateful for everything, but we can also make an effort to keep our eyes open and look for the opportunities to be grateful.

 

3 – Reflect On the Totality

I start the day looking forward and I end the day looking back. I spend a few moments (and yes, with a gratitude journal) reflecting back on the day. I acknowledge those little moments to celebrate and I see if I can reframe any annoyances or struggles to see the other side.

Like many of you, my days are busy. Chaotic even. And I find it challenging to be too mindful during much of it as I focus on getting things done and meeting everyone’s needs. This time for reflection at the end of the day acts like a deep breath at the top of a hill where I look back on the path that brought me there, taking note of the moments of the journey.

 

4 – Give Yourself Permission to Have Bad Days

Guess what? You’re not always going to be grateful. There are going to be days (or weeks or even months) where you can’t see anything but the clouds. Times when the mere suggestion of gratitude feels like an unwanted embrace and leaves you feeling violated and coerced.

And that’s okay.

Bad days happen. 

Horrible days happen.

But you know what?

Good days and good moments within bad days happen too.

Gratitude is about seeing both.

 

 

I’m Not Going to Change Your Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So often we approach a conversation with the intention of trying to change somebody’s mind. We prepare to argue, to fight. To prove that we are right and, by extension, they are wrong.

What if instead, we approached with the intention of opening somebody’s mind? Of offering a different perspective. Adding to the dialog instead of trying to dominate the conversation.

And what if we had that same intention for ourselves? A shift from defending our views to expanding our minds. When listening becomes an act of curious investigation instead of gathering of evidence.

I don’t want to change your mind. I want to open it. And I want you to open mine in turn.

5 Surprisingly Comforting Truths

Posted on by stilllearning2b

-1-

The hard truth – Knowing everything is an impossible goal.

 

Why it’s comforting –

Ever fall prey to analysis paralysis? Where you become so focused on trying to gather all of the information that you find it difficult to make a decision and take a step? This hard truth highlights the fruitless nature of that obsessive drive. Once you realize – and accept- that it is impossible to know everything, it’s easier to set a focus AND a limit on what you need to know. And then once that is reached, you move forward.

 

-2-

The hard truth – Mistakes are inevitable.

 

Why it’s comforting –

It’s stressful and exhausting trying to achieve perfection in everything that you do. When you give yourself permission to make mistakes, you free your energy towards better pursuits. Furthermore, when mistakes are seen as natural and inevitable, it becomes easier to avoid an emotional reaction to the mistake and take full advantage of the opportunity to learn to do better.

 

-3-

The hard truth – You will be disappointed and you will disappoint others.

 

Why it’s comforting –

Sometimes being disappointed can feel very personal, especially for those of us that have experienced betrayal. On the flip side, disappointing others when you sincerely tried can be a brutal gut punch with a heavy dose of guilt and shame. Yet when you consider those together, it helps to show that the occasional disappointment is normal and not a big deal. Keep your expectations in line with reality, handle disappointment with grace and act in accordance with your beliefs. And then let go of worrying about disappointment.

 

-4-

The hard truth – No number of people can make you feel loved if you don’t love yourself.

 

Why it’s comforting –

Guess who you always have by your side?

You!

You don’t need to be famous or have a ton of Instagram followers to feel loved and valued. You don’t even need a significant other. All you need to fully accept, embrace and celebrate yourself. The rest is gravy.

 

-5-

The hard truth – Certainty – and safety – is an illusion.

 

Why it’s comforting –

We make so many choices out of the fear or loss or the fear of the unknown. We stay with what we know and what seems like a sure bet even when it’s not the right bet for us. Once you realize that even the “safe” choice doesn’t protect from harm, it becomes easier to do what is right for you instead of what appears to have the least amount of risk.

 

How We Handle Failure

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As I was reacquainting myself with my students last week (yes, we start school WAY too early in the south!), I reminded them of my belief that the math they will learn in my class is important. But the lessons in learning how to handle frustration and failure are even more important. Because, let’s face it, many of these kids may never have to solve a quadratic equation as an adult or explain why an exponential function has an asymptote, but they will certainly face failure. Probably many times.

images-53.jpeg

And I’ve to realize how important learning how to handle failure really is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is one of the primary forces that shapes who we become. The good news? Even if we have a had a subpar response to defeat in the past, with practice and the right mindset, we can learn to improve our relationship with failure.

images-52.jpeg

Five Negative Responses to Failure

Giving Up

I think all of us have released the words, “I give up!” in frustration when the fifteenth attempt at something still neglects to result in the desired outcome. It’s easy to become fatigued and weary, especially once the thinking brain has expended all of its energy and allows emotions to take the helm.

Internalizing the Message

“I suck,” we mutter to ourselves, confusing the line the action with the person, believing that we ARE a failure instead of a being that failed at something. This response is often ingrained in childhood when perfection (or at least the illusion of it) is expected of you from the adults in your life. You equate failure with rejection.

Avoiding Risk

If you don’t try, you cannot fail. Some respond to failure by refusing to take risk, preferring to practice the perfect and staying safely on known ground. This choice is rationalized as prudent, even wise. Yet the decision is made out of a fear of failure rather than a careful weighing of the potential risks and rewards.

Lashing Out

Some get angry when facing failure, attempting to cover the discomfort and vulnerability inherent in defeat with a veneer of hostility. “It’s not me, it’s you!” the response insists, hoping that by keeping people on the defensive, the failure will be overlooked.

Hiding the Evidence

This response is another that develops when failure is not accepted. When the inevitable happens, it is seen as shameful. And what do we do with that which shames us? We bury it.

images-8.png

Five Positive Responses to Failure

Accepting the Inevitability

Perfection is an illusion. There is no creature on this earth that succeeds in everything it tries. The newborn foal stumbles and falls before it learns how to walk on its shaky and spindly legs. The tree fails to root down deeply enough into the dense soil and almost topples during a storm.

And we are no different. Failure is as much a part of life as breathing. By accepting that, we can remove some of the emotion often associated with it. Rather than being shameful or a sign of weakness, failure is a sign of life.

Viewing Failure as Information

When I was preparing my classroom for the new school year, I had to adjust the legs on several of the student chairs. I glanced at the screws holding the legs together and estimated the proper size of screwdriver needed. On my first attempt, I managed to almost completely strip the screw while failing to loosen it enough to adjust the leg. That failure provided me with information – the screwdriver was the wrong size.

Once we have information, we are able to make adjustments and try a new approach. Without failure, we would never know what modifications are beneficial. Failure is a part of evolution; it steers us towards what works.

Taking Responsibility Within Locus of Control

Those that know how to use failure to their benefit are quick to own their failures, but only the ones within their control. There are two important facets to this response. The first is that once we claim responsibility for something, we give ourselves the power to change it. Secondly, by only accepting responsibility for things within our influence, we refrain from wasting energy trying to change things that we do not have dominion over.

It can be scary to admit that you failed. We don’t want others to see us as weak, as flawed. Yet by taking ownership, you remove the opportunity for others to use your failures against you. And the reality is that much of the time, people respect those that immediately and completely admit their failings as long as they are also making an honest attempt to learn from those defeats.

Reminder to be Open to Learning

Do professional athletes ever outgrow their need for a coach?

Nope.

Yet all too often, we become so comfortable (okay, cocky) within our own areas of expertise that we forget that we should still be learning.

And failure is happy to give us that reminder that there is always room for growth. For improvement. Failure equals humility and humility keeps us open and pliable.

See Failure as Opportunity

And this is what it comes down to.

Every failure is an opportunity.

A chance to try again.

Only now with more experience and knowledge of what doesn’t work.

Every failure is an opportunity.

A change to do better. To respond differently.

Without failure, there is no learning. No growing.

When we see failure as something to avoid, we are robbing ourselves of the opportunity to become the best version of ourselves.

And when we are able to become comfortable with failure, we are able to use it to take the next step. And then the next.

We will stumble. We will fall.

But as long as we get back up, learn from what didn’t work and keep trying?

Well, there’s no stopping us.

images-51.jpeg