Dry Rot

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Deutsch: Holzbalken mit intensivem Befall durc...

My marriage was a house with dry rot.  Who knows when that first insidious fungi moved in, starting to dissolve the home from the inside out?  The structure over the marriage was covered with plaster, a perfectly placid facade that hid the underlying infection.  The dry rot, in the form of lies and deceptions, ate away at the very foundation of the marriage, creating vacuums where once had stood strong supports.  The damage grew, showing no symptoms, until one day catastrophic failure occurred and the entire structure collapsed.  If the infection had been visible, perhaps it could have been treated before it led to the ruin of the home.  But, he worked hard to keep it hidden, distracting me with new paint and wall coverings that hid the extensive damage. I thought my marriage was a beautiful home.  It turned out to be nothing but a pile of sawdust.

Sawmill sawdust pile pembroke

I am determined to not let dry rot erode my relationship now.  The structure is more visible; there are no elaborate decorations hiding the bare bones beneath.  We keep an eye out for potential sources of moisture that could initiate the dry rot process and we work to eradicate the dampness before it spreads.  We seek out areas of weakness in the joists and work together to build braces to enhance their integrity.  There are no promises that I will not face a collapsing house again, but this time, I refuse to live in a home unaware that it is being destroyed from within.  This time, I want a relationship that stands.

Building a house in Thailand from concrete, ma...

Variable Moods and Extrinsic Sources of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For the most part, I try to steer my own happiness. I work to consciously react to situations and choose my mood. I can’t from the one glaring area; however, where my mood is entirely dependent upon external factors: my students’ success.

Mathematics
Mathematics (Photo credit: Terriko)

Of course, it makes sense that I want my students to do well. I spend the better part of a year forming relationships with them and working hard to help them understand algebra (unfortunately, I do more of the work than they do in many of the cases). I find joy in those lightbulb moments where the elegant simplicity of a linear function becomes apparent to them. I grin from ear to ear when I realize that they have learned the power of persisting through a difficult problem and the satisfaction that comes with a hard-won answer. I love to see them mature over the year and learn more about themselves.

So, what’s the problem? The problem is that the success of a middle schooler on any given day is impacted by such variables as the phase of the moon, Justin Bieber’s current hairstyle, the number of vampire movies playing in the theater, and some complicated formula (pretty sure it’s the inverse square) that involves the length of time since the most recent Gears of War was released and the strictness of their parents. I don’t have a whole lot of influence on those things.

Justin Bieber at the 2010 White House Easter E...
Justin Bieber at the 2010 White House Easter Egg roll. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My moods can shift like the tides depending upon how my students are performing.  When their test scores are up, so am I.  When they fail, I feel like I have.  The result?  My mood takes on the shape of a sine wave, steered by the hands of 8th graders.  I take their grades personally, even though I have limited control over them.  The times that make teaching worthwhile are when I hear the words, “Thank you for explaining math to me.  I get it now.” My goal is for none of them to ever be held back in their goals due to a lack of math comprehension.

I’m sure this is something that parents feel, only on a larger scale.  You want your progeny to work hard and be successful, but you have to step back and accept that they will make their own choices.  Yes, you have an influence on their choices and successes, but they ultimately are the ones in control of their actions.

As we head into testing season, I am going to work to separate my happiness from my students’ performance.  I want to be more clear in my own mind about my role and the limitations of my role.  I can take pleasure in what I can control; I know that I have worked hard to reach the students and to make the math accessible to them.  I refuse to let a number 2 pencil dictate my mood.  But it will be nice if they do well.  Maybe if Justin Bieber cuts his hair…

A standard number 2 pencil, unsharpened. Made ...
A standard number 2 pencil, unsharpened. Made by Sanford. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Taming the Monkey Mind: Halfway Point

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Halfway Line Halfway Line on football pitch on...
Halfway Line Halfway Line on football pitch on Tokyngton recreation ground (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Usually when I run, the hardest part for me is getting to the halfway point.  After that, my Nike iFit begins to count backwards (ex. 5 miles to go) and my brain begins to relax.  For the first half, I feel like I’m choosing to run away from something (the start line, the car, the house).  Once I hit the midway marker, I begin to run towards something.

The 28 day meditation challenge has occupied a similar spot in my brain.  At first, I was mainly concerned with ticking off the days, ensuring that I didn’t miss any.  Now, that part seems easy.  I can let go of the training log and focus more on the destination.  It’s interesting, the aspect that was the most difficult for me at first (practicing daily), has become simple.  In fact, I think my key to incorporating meditation into my life long term is not to commit to doing it a few times a week, but to vow to practice daily.  It is not like running, where the body needs a rest, and those days off are where my practice tends t slip into oblivion.  I think the key for me will be to incorporate meditation daily in some form for some amount of time.

As far as the practice itself, that monkey mind isn’t much quieter, but it doesn’t bother me as much anymore.  I am able to calmly quiet it again. And again.  And again.  What I have found; however, is a change in my monkey mind in the other moments of my life.  I seem to be able to stay more calm and centered.  A good skill for a middle school teacher to have in the days leading up to spring break!

Monkey 343
Monkey 343 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

The article below reminds us that happiness is found in the present, not through future plans or past ruminations.  Stay now.

Let Go, Forgive, and Be Grateful Right Now.

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A Whitewater Life

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Six ways whitewater rafting is like life:

1) The obstacles create the ride.

2) Rapids are usually followed by periods of calm waters, and vice versa.  Just expect it.

3) Teamwork is essential to negotiate the tricky parts.

4) The best time comes from a balance of prudence and fun.  (Yup, that’s me with my pink helmet o’ prudence!)

5) Stay present in the moment, or you may miss something important.

6) It’s about the journey, not the destination.  Especially in rafting, when sometimes the destination is a wet, stinky van back to your car:(

Taming the Monkey Mind: Day 13

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Funny sleeping monkey

Today was a day I was very thankful to have meditation in my toolkit.  I had to go to mediation today to clear up one of my ex’s messes.  Now, to help you understand how stressed this makes me, I’ll tell you a couple embarrassing facts about myself.  First, I suffer from anxiety when I owe an overdue fine to the library.  No, I’m not exaggerating.  I wish I was.  I’ll be stressed and fixated until I can settle my $.20 fine and return the materials.  Another example?  I recently purchased a prepaid toll sticker for a local highway.  Every time I drive through, I am nervous until I see the green light flash, even though I know there are sufficient funds in the account.  I’m not sure where this pathological anxiety about money comes from, but it is there.  You pair that with my ex-husband’s secret out of control spending and hidden accounts, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

I started today with a hard 11 mile run (my personal Xanax).  I ended up with my fastest pace ever for distance (7:01 average pace).  I figured I would tire that monkey out before trying to subdue it.  The meditation following the run went well.  I have discovered the Deep Energy podcasts and found that the music works really well for me for meditation.  I think it is going to be my go-to from now on.

I worked to maintain my mindful and calm state as I drove to the office where the mediation was to occur.  NPR was apparently aware of my intent, as they played Beethoven’s 5th Symphony for me as I sped down the highway (at least, I assume they had me in mind when they made the selection). It followed, almost to a turn, the path to a great little restaurant I went to over the summer to enjoy my first-ever gluten free pancakes that I did not have to make (oh, they were heavenly!).  I even took the same wrong turn today.  I began to actually enjoy the ride as I remembered that summer day.  I then drove through a neighborhood where I ran a Chili Festival 5K with a friend of mine a couple of years ago.  More smiles and good memories.

I entered the mediation relatively calm, the monkeys only chattering slightly in the background.  The entire process went well and went quickly.  More proof that most of my fears are due to anticipation rather than reality.

NPR cooperated again, playing light and lively Mozart on my way home.

I am glad that I have been training the monkeys; they did me proud today.  Now, I think I’ll visit the library’s website and renew my materials.  Just in case, you understand.

 

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