There are the facts. And then there are the stories we weave from the facts.
Fact: My ex-husband had an affair with a woman he met on a business trip. He married her three months after they met and abandoned me with a text message.
Story: There must be something wrong with me for my husband to fall so quickly for another woman. She must have something that I don’t. I’m not even worthy of a conversation, that’s how inconsequential I am. If the man that professed his love to me for sixteen years and pledged his commitment could leave me so easily, any other man would obviously do the same. If I was unworthy before, I’m broken now. There’s no way that I will ever be able to recover from this damage.
It starts with the facts – sometimes harsh, but bare. Often devoid of any motivations or intentions. And then our brains industriously fill in the details, weaving stories that surround and connect the facts.
The problem is that once we tell ourselves these stories, we become unable to separate them from the facts. And so we begin to believe the words we tell ourselves. The words that are often anchored in insecurities, fears and trauma.
Sometimes, we even take it a step further and assimilate these stories as a core truth of about ourselves. We confuse what happened to us with who we are, applying labels with superglue and operating under those assumptions.
What stories are you telling yourself?
Take a few moments and consciously examine the stories you tell yourself. What are the facts and what are your interpretations and speculations about the facts? What if some of your conclusions are incorrect? Could there be another way to view these same facts?
The facts are irrefutable. The stories are what we create.
When we become too wed to a story, we become stuck within a singular narrative. Change your story and your life will follow.
After my former life imploded with a tsunami divorce, there were some situations that I knew would be difficult to face. In order to avoid being triggered, I drove the long way to avoid seeing my former neighborhood with the entrance sign that my husband fabricated the letters for. I was cautious not to go to “our” restaurant alone or when I was feeling low. Looking ahead, I knew that I would struggle with any hints of abandonment. And I studiously avoided any media that dealt with the subject of affairs or fraud.
But then there were the unexpected triggers. Those seemingly innocent events or circumstances that sucker-punched me to my knees, my head swirling with flashbacks instead of cartoon birds. In hindsight, these seem innocuous. Silly, even. Yet they were anything but at the time they occurred.
In chronological order, these were the ten unexpected episodes that left me feeling triggered:
A Tap on the Shoulder
It was just an innocent and perfectly acceptable tap. A student needed my attention while the class was testing. Not wanting to make any noise and coming up from behind me, she simply tapped me on my shoulder. Three months earlier, it would have been a non-event. But that day?
Oh, it was an event.
You see, my ex and I had this little game where we would tap the other on the shoulder at random times as a way to request a kiss. So when that student tapped my shoulder, I felt my stomach take an express elevator down as I again realized the enormity of what I had lost.
The Words, “Dear Reader”
My ex used to write creative fiction when he was in high school and he often shared these stories with me. He had this habit of occasionally addressing the reader directly which always got under my skin (although I never said anything).
Years later, after he abandoned me, was arrested and released on bail, he attempted suicide after emailing my mom and his other wife a suicide note. The tone reminded me of those youthful stories with its undercurrent of “dear reader,” as though he was doing us a favor.
I made it several months before I encountered those words in a book written by some completely innocent author. The text was flung across the room before it found its way back to the library.
A Traffic Jam
Years ago, I read a scientific article about how traffic jams are actually related to fluid dynamics and how understanding the latter has led to unique strategies in major cities. Excited about this information, I shared the study with my husband. He laughed at me and soon “fluid dynamics” became a joke whenever we were stranded in Atlanta traffic.
Since I stayed close to home after the tsunami divorce, months passed before I was impacted by traffic. As my car came to a stop behind miles of red brake lights, I automatically said the words, “damned fluid dynamics” as tears poured down my face. I would never again have someone to share that joke with.
Getting Picked Up at the Airport
I knew to steal myself for the hazardous materials sign at the entrance to security since that was the last place I ever saw my husband while he was still my husband. But I didn’t expect to have a panic attack on the other end of the trip.
My now-husband, then-boyfriend promised to pick me up after a visit back to Texas. As I stood at the curb waiting for him to arrive, I realized that I half expected him to not show, which is what I believe my ex husband had originally planned before concern for the dogs changed his approach.
When my boyfriend’s car pulled up as promised, I shook with both relief and release of stored trauma.
Small Lies of No Consequence
I teach middle school. And middle schooler lie. Often. About stupid things.
In the past, I could laugh off these stupid lies even as I made it clear that I wasn’t going to fall for it. After all, I knew that these fibs weren’t personal. They were just the excuses offered up by teenagers with partially-formed brains and a desire to avoid consequences.
But something changed after I learned that I had been living a lie crafted by my ex. An allergy of sorts. Any exposure to falsehoods and I would have a severe reaction. For the first time in my entire career, I would have to excuse myself so that I could calm down before responding to a kid.
The Air Blower at the Entrance to Home Depot
I walked through the entrance of Home Depot, the rush of air drowning out all of my senses. When I came to on the other side of the blast, I found myself transported to the past.
Money Moved From One Account to Another
This was a silly one. My now-husband and I had a gift account from our wedding and we had agreed to move the money to our joint savings account. But apparently my emotions didn’t remember this agreement.
I’m not so proud of how I handled this one. My ex husband built himself an office in the basement. In reality, it was command central for his other life. Needless to say, I developed a bit of an aversion to basements after this.
So when my now-husband wanted to build a theater downstairs, I responded in a pretty poor manner, letting fear do the talking for me.
Ugh. I’d like to forget that particular outburst.
Mums
This one was a surprise. After all, they’re just flowers. But when I saw them – and appreciated them – I suddenly realized how much I had allowed my ex to be my voice.
Winning Teacher of the Year
I received the honor of Teacher of the Year towards the end of my first marriage. My husband was gone at the time (allegedly on a work assignment) yet he had flowers delivered to my classroom before he even knew that I won. Months later, he attended the awards ceremony with me. The professional photos from that night were the last we had taken of us as a couple.
Exactly ten years later, I won again. My husband was out of town.
Gulp.
I had to remind myself that I married a very different man this time. Which soon became evident. My ex sent expensive flowers to my work where they would be sure to be admired by others. My now-husband made an immediate Facebook post talking about how proud he was of his wife. The flowers came, but to the house. They weren’t meant for public adoration.
The triggers came fast and furious in the beginning. Over time, they lessened in both intensity and frequency. It’s been over a year-and-a-half since I was last triggered. I’d like to say that I’m done with them, but I also know that life likes to keep us on our toes. Luckily, I trust now that the feelings will fade and the event will lose its power to impact me.
The best things about triggers is that once they are defused, they are harmless.
When you discover that you have been cheated on, your mind immediately begins spinning with questions – “How could they do this?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I ever going to be okay again?”
Those questions are completely understandable. After all, the person who trusted the most has betrayed you, ripping the well-loved rug of your life from beneath your un-cushioned feet. You’re lost. Confused. Sad and angry. And probably more than a little frightened.
Nothing makes sense as normalacy has been bathed in pain, the betrayal permeating every fiber of your being. The answers that you once seemed so sure of have been replaced with questions. The certainties shoved aside for the great unknowns.
While you’re in this maelstrom fueled by the realization that you have been cheated on, ask yourself the following questions to find some clarity and to begin to regain your footing.
Am I still breathing?
Since you’re able to read, I am going to go ahead and assume that the answer is, “Yes.”
Now, are you breathing deeply? I wager not. Right now, I want you to take a deep breath, all the way down to the bottom recesses of your lungs. Pull it in and sigh it out of your open mouth. Try it again. Maybe even a third time. Do you feel just a little bit of that panicked tightness release?
The discovery of betrayal may not place us in physical danger, but it definitely qualifies as a threat to your life. As a result, your body responds by sending out fight or flight signals. And one of the first things to suffer is the breath.
It becomes a vicious cycle – stress tells your body to breathe shallowly and rapidly and shallow breathing tells your body that it is stressed. Since you can’t undo the stress caused by the infidelity, work instead to interrupt the cycle by controlling the breath. Several times a day, ask yourself the question, “Am I breathing?” And then make the answer, “Yes!”
Is there a person or place that helps me feel a sense of safety or security right now?
After I learned of my husband’s double life, I purchased a super-soft and fuzzy throw. I found my safe space within its comforting folds. Whenever the world began to feel overwhelming, I wrapped myself inside of it, a cocooning caterpillar dreaming of better days.
Do you have something similar in your life right now? A place, a person or even a silly object that makes you feel grounded and helps you believe that maybe the entire world hasn’t gone all topsy-turvy? When we’re spinning out of control, it helps to have something to hold onto.
What has been taken from me?
This question may seem easy to answer at first. In fact, I bet the answers will practically burst from your mouth. Release them. Let them go.
And then explore what’s underneath that initial purge. Those losses are often much more subtle, more nuanced than the major ones we see at first. Yet they are still important. Being cheated on is a death, a theft and a swindle all in one. There’s quite a bit there to uncover.
And underlying all of it is that it occurred without your consent or complicity. Of all that was taken from you, perhaps you discover that your agency was the biggest loss.
What do I wish my spouse could understand?
Because they don’t understand, do they? If they did, they wouldn’t have been been able to do what they did.
Unfortunately, even as science has allowed us to peer into the brain to begin to understand its inner workings, we have yet to develop a way to transfer our feelings to another. So we have to resort to words and gestures.
So, what do you wish they knew? What feelings are you experiencing that you want them to comprehend?
If you’re talking with your partner, you can share these. If you’re not, it can still be helpful to release them in writing, even if left unsent. Whichever route you take, be aware of the limitations of your words. You can share them, yet you cannot control how they are received. Speak and then be willing to listen, even if the only response you get is your own thoughts about the words released on paper.
Why do I think my spouse might have made this choice?
The initial reaction to a discovery of cheating is often – and rightfully – anger. The cheater is painted as a villain. One-dimensional, completely selfish and manipulative.
And I’m not denying that those traits are often present. Yet that’s rarely the entire picture. After all, if that’s who they are, why did you marry them in the first place.
Take a step back. And another. Try to look at the bigger picture, not as a betrayed spouse, but as a detective. What factors, either environmental or behavioral, might have contributed to them making this horrific decision?
These contributing factors are not an excuse for the behavior – that was a choice. However, understanding what may have led up to this can help you release some of the anger. Not for the cheater’s benefit, but for yours.
What if it’s not about me?
I know I initially saw my husband’s actions as a direct assault on me. He was the arrow and I was the target brutally pierced by his betrayals. And then I asked myself this very question.
And the answer that came to me was powerful indeed. I realized that his myriad deceptions and despicable choices were all about him – his pain, his cowardice, his inability to deal with his issues. I just happened to be in the way.
Am I allowing my partner’s words or actions to define me?
Betrayal rarely comes without some sort of gaslighting or emotional abuse. Are you permitting your cheating partner’s words to or about you to take up residence in your mind? Are you taking the blame for their actions? Or, are you letting them convince you that you are not enough?
Now that this has happened, what could my partner do to make it better?
This is a telling answer. If you respond with, “Nothing,” then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. If your partner is forthcoming, remorseful and working towards change, you may a different answer.
Either way, there are limits to what your spouse can do. They cannot wipe your memory clean. Nor can they instantly restore trust and security. They can help you bandage the wound, but ultimately healing is up to you.
What insight does learning that I’ve been cheated on give me into myself?
I know. This is a big ask.
I’ll share my own insight to help give you some ideas.
My own parents divorced when I was a child and my dad moved across the country. He never actually abandoned me – there was an open line of communication and the child support was always on time. Yet, once my husband left, I realized that I harbored a fear of abandonment that traced back to my parent’s divorce.
That fear made me shy away from confrontation with my husband. It allowed him to easily manipulate me into believing what I wanted to be true. I certainly didn’t cause my husband’s cheating, but I didn’t allow myself to see it coming either.
Since the betrayal, I’ve found my confidence. My fearlessness. My fight. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned because I know that I’m enough on my own.
So how about you? What have you learned about yourself now that you have been cheated on?
What do I want to do now? Do I have to make a decision immediately?
When you find out you’ve been cheated on, it’s common to want to make big sweeping changes. To run away from the entire situation and pretend that it was all a terrible dream.
Yet, as you’re probably aware, your thinking isn’t very clear right now. Your rational brain may feel like it has vacated the premises and has been replaced by some primal and instinctual beast.
Identify those actions that need to happen now and allow the others to wait until your brain is fully operational again.
Who do I have in my life that you can talk to without concern of judgment?
Betrayal is weird. The ones who do it often seem unscathed. And those that are its victims often carry the shame, enhanced by the judgment of others (“What did you do to make them cheat?” is the scathing undercurrent in many exchanges).
When you’re processing the aftermath of being cheated on, you need people in your corner. People who will listen without undue criticism and will not shy away from unpolished emotion.
What areas of my life have been relatively untouched by the betrayal?
Betrayal – and divorce if that’s in your cards – have an impressive way of impacting seemingly every area of your life. Even those regions that are on the surface, completely unrelated.
But look deeper. Do you have anything in your life that is still unchanged? A hobby? An interest? An acquaintance at work that doesn’t know about your situation?
I bet you do.
Make note of these. They are a precious reminder that there is still life in you now and that there will be life again when this is all over.
What warning signs of cheating are only visible to me in hindsight?
Now that you’ve been cheated on, do you know what signs to look for?
I bet you do.
Some signs can be quite subtle, can’t they? And then there’s the part that nobody tells you about – the internal (and often subconscious) bargaining and flat-out denial about what you’re seeing.
I think that’s the biggest lesson from the clarity of hindsight. If cheating is happening, there will be no head in the sand again.
How does this impact how I view relationships?
Once you’ve been cheated on, you lose some of your innocence around relationships. Examine your feelings. Are you painting all men or women with the brush tainted by your cheating spouse? Or, are you swearing off relationships altogether?
Being cheated on will change you. Make sure you remain aware of those alterations and that you steer them in healthy directions over time.
Because that’s the biggest question to ask yourself –
How am I going to not let this pain define the rest of my life?
My ex left behind a letter, typed and in duplicate, when he unexpectedly exited my life. That was followed a couple weeks later by a suicide (attempted) email, sent to both his other wife and my mother. Since I had no other explanations, I poured over those words for months, looking for answers.
His words were cruel, dismissing my importance in his life and emphasizing his unhappiness (which he blatantly denied up until he left). I internalized his sentences, saw them as a direct reflection on me.
And then I connected with others who had been cheated on and summarily dismissed. I was shocked to hear that they had received many of the same words from their ex.
“Do all cheaters read the same playbook?” we joked.
But behind the quip was something deeper – if they all recite the same lines, maybe those words have more to do with the cheater and less to do with me.
I read the letters again, this time with a different perspective. He was making excuses. Maybe for the benefit of others, but even more likely, in an attempt to assuage any guilt he may have felt over his actions.
The context of these words matters. People certainly can change and relationships that once were a good fit may not be any more. Some people choose to handle the end with respect for the other person. When these word are spoken in that context, they can be valid and true. Others make different choices and use these words to try to excuse their deceptive behavior and to try to pass blame on to the other partner. In that context, these same words are poison to the receiving end.
If there is a Cheater’s Playbook somewhere, these phrases would certainly be found within:
I’ve never felt like this for somebody before.
Hmmm…that’s funny. Because I seem to remember you using some of the same proclamations of love with me that I uncovered with your new paramour.
He/she just gets me.
Do they even know you? I wonder what sort of front you have presented and if your mask has had the opportunity to slip?
So why didn’t you say something? Spouses certainly get to know one another, but full-on mind-reading is still science fiction.
I didn’t mean for it to happen.
Oh, please. You may not have had the intention to cheat from the onset, but you certainly made lots of choices that led you to that conclusion.
You’re imagining things.
I wish I was. That would be preferable to realizing the truth, that the person that I loved and trusted most in this world decided to act selfishly and destroy my world as a result.
This wouldn’t have happened if you…
Nope. Not taking that on. If there was something you were not happy about, it is YOUR responsibility to bring it up and provide an opportunity for it to change.
I never had a chance to…
I am so sorry (said with much sarcasm) that you didn’t get a chance to date/enjoy your childhood/have adult time without children. Choices have consequences. You don’t get to pretend they don’t.
I need someone who pays attention to me.
So do I, but you’ve obviously been turning elsewhere. And whatever you nurture, grows.
You don’t appreciate me.
Well, I don’t appreciate this, that’s for damn sure. And be honest with yourself, have you been acting in a way that deserves appreciation?
You don’t understand me.
You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how you could just throw away all that we have worked to build. That’s not who I fell in love with.
I’m just not attracted to you anymore.
You know, there have been many moments when I’m not attracted to you. But our vows are bigger than that. Commitment sometimes means putting in the effort to reignite that passion.
I never meant to hurt you.
Well, you did a great job of it nonetheless. What exactly did you think the repercussions of this discovery would be? A welcome party for your affair partner?
I never loved you.
That certainly fits your actions. I don’t know what’s worse – thinking you could do this to someone you love or realizing that you faked your feelings the entire time?
In order to begin healing, I had to realize that his words were projection and misdirection. I had to learn which of them to ignore and which contained some element of truth. Because one thing is certain about cheaters – they lie. And so often the words they share upon their exit are nothing more than little drops of fiction, breadcrumbs that if followed, lead to the wrong conclusions.
“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.
I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”
Because even though I had been hurt, I did not wantto see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. That word embodied weakness in my mind and I wanted to feel powerful. It spoke of a lack of control and I wanted to be the one to drive my life.
I did not want to be a victim.
But for a time, I was.
In the beginning, I spoke about what was done to me. I looked for resolution and justice from outside sources, hoping for an apology from him and a conviction from the courts. I embraced my pain, feeling justified in holding on to it. Meanwhile, I demonized my ex, removing all semblance of humanity in my view of him.
There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility. But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me.
As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.
When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response.
I chose the latter.
I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:
Rewrite Your Story
When we are harmed, we often feel powerless, as though we are simply being led through someone else’s story. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story. Rewrite it. Reframe it. Narrate it. Change the perspective. Take yourself out of the role of victim (done tome) and put yourself in the role of hero (I did…). Write it or tell it until you believe it.
Pick up a pen and write your happy ending.
Create Purpose
Whatever happened, happened. There is no changing the past. But you can use the past to create something better in the future. Find some anger about what occurred and use that as fuel to drive you to create something better. Look around and see others suffering and use your experience to render aide. Use your rock bottom as a foundation for your life’s purpose.
You have the power to create something wonderful out of something terrible.
Make Changes
When unwanted change is thrust upon our lives, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Learn to recognize the potential hidden within and use the opportunity of uncertainty to create change of your choosing. There is no better time to release what no longer serves you and to embrace new beginnings.
When you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. That’s a powerful pair.
Find Gratitude
One of the powerful and difficult exercises that can empower the victimized is practicing radical gratitude. Face what has caused you the greatest pain, the most suffering, and write down why you are grateful for it. It is an amazing reminder of how much our thoughts rather than our circumstances are responsible for our happiness.
When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.
You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from the shackles of your past and let your spirit soar.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 