Ten Years Out: Timeline of Healing From Divorce
6 Ways to Reaffirm Yourself That Don’t Involve Dating
There are the good reasons to reenter the dating scene after divorce – you’re happy with your life and you’re looking for someone to share it with, you’ve gained wisdom from healing and you’re ready to put those lessons into action, after reflection and hard work you’re better in touch with want you want out of a relationship.
And there are the reasons that many of us begin dating again – we’re looking for distraction from the pain, our self-esteem has taken a beating and we’re seeking validation and finally a fear of being alone with our thoughts is prompting us to remain busy with others.
Sound familiar?
I know it does for me. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was dating for purely noble and mature reasons, the truth was actually much more cliched. I wanted to feel wanted, desired. Spending the evening with the man de jour was significantly more fun than spending that same time processing my grief in my journal. And finally, as long as I had another date to look forward to on the calendar, I didn’t have to consider the very scary possibility that I would be alone forever.
And dating DID make me feel better. At least in the moment. Through the eyes of the men I met, I slowly began to reform the image I had of myself. I was able to begin to see my strengths again, instead of just my brokenness. I began to feel alive again. Hopeful, even, for the future that stretched out in front of me.
But dating is by no means the only – or even best – way to reach those milestones. In fact, here are six ways to reaffirm yourself that DON’T require dating:
1 – Travel Somewhere Alone
Travel is amazing. Solo travel is life-changing.
Traveling alone provides you with opportunities to get out of your head and ditch your typical life-script. Travel forces you out of your comfort zone and requires that you look at the world – and yourself – in a new light.
This doesn’t have to be any time-consuming or wallet-draining adventure. Even a day trip to a nearby and unfamiliar town can be enough to shake up your expectations and help you find what makes your soul sing.
2 – Invest in Your Appearance
With the depressed mood that frequently follows divorce, it’s easy to let the appearance slide. And we often don’t even think about addressing it again until there is someone that we’re hoping to impress.
But why wait? You don’t need a romantic interest within sight in order to pay attention to what makes you feel attractive. Why not dress to impress yourself?
3 – Focus on Learning a New Skill or Topic
We’re often our own worst enemy after divorce. We take up residence within our own heads and beat ourselves up for not being healed already. So why not turn that focus outward?
We’re often gentler with ourselves in the process of learning something new; we accept the process and the mistakes along the way. It can be a good reminder that we can be kind to ourselves even while we are working towards a challenging goal. As a bonus, as you begin to master the new skill or topic, you gain confidence and broaden your sense of your potential.
4 – Join a Team or a Club
You were a team – you and your spouse. And so it feels strange and alienating to now be a solo operator. Why not find a new team that you can play a vital role in? It can be anything from a weekly trivia meetup to a monthly kickball game through your work.
After divorce, it’s easy to feel as though you no longer matter. A team is a concrete way to remind yourself that you are needed and appreciated both for what you can offer and for who you are. After all, it feels really good to hear, “We missed you last week.”
5 – Share Your Expertise
You may be a newbie when it comes to this whole divorce thing, but you’re an expert at something. If you’re not sharing your wisdom already, look for opportunities to become a teacher in your areas of expertise.
When we teach, we are planting a part of ourselves in another and nurturing that seed until it grows. There is little in this world that is more life-affirming than watching knowledge spread and grow.
6 – Participate in a Support Group
Part of the challenge in divorce recovery is the fear that we’re somehow doing it wrong. That we’re progressing too slowly or not responding in the right ways. And if you’re isolated in your healing, it can be easy to believe those assertions as they remain unchallenged.
A support group – either in-person or virtual – provides you with the opportunity to witness the immense variety in the recovery paths taken by others and also gain a sense of the commonalities that unite us all. Furthermore, when we give space to honor our pain, it no longer fights for supremacy in the rest of our lives.
A Complete Guide to Coping Strategies During Divorce
Divorce is a time when you need to have every possible coping strategy at the ready because it seems that every day brings with it a new challenge.
It also seems like everyone is ready with advice – do this, don’t do that. Usually offered with compassion even when it’s off-base.
And the combination can often feel overwhelming as you’re trying to navigate your new reality and filter out the advice that works for you.
So here’s your guide –
The Three Ground Rules of Coping Strategies During Divorce
1. Do what works for you; not what someone tells you to do.
Breaking news – we are not all the same. What worked miracles for one person might be a total dud for you. When you receive advice, consider the source. Do they have your best interests at heart? Do they know you? Even if the answer to those is “yes,” you have permission to ignore the suggestion if it does not resonate with you. Remember – you are the expert on you.
2. Try many things. Keep what works.
Finding coping strategies that work is a bit like trying to locate a pair of jeans that fit after you’ve experienced a significant change in body type. If you only try on a couple, it’s easy to declare that “it’s impossible.” Gather many options with the understanding that most will be discarded.
3. What works today may not work tomorrow.
As you progress, your needs – and what works to address them – will change. Don’t be afraid to retire coping strategies that have lost their effectiveness. That is not a sign of giving up or an indication of failure. Your strategies need to adapt as you do.
Your Coping Strategy Toolkit
Strategies to Survive Financially
- Start by assessing where you stand. It’s all-too-easy to catastrophize the situation when you don’t yet have all the facts. Figure out exactly what is coming in, going out and what type of credit you have available.
- Consider low-cost attorneys or mediation for divorce. Before allocating money to the courts, make sure you research what you’re getting for that expense.
- Be ruthless in designating your financial priorities. A setback in lifestyle now is worth it for financial security later.
- Utilize these psychological hacks to help you save money.
- Find a way to keep track of your progress towards your goals. Make it visual and tangible.
- Tie a dreaded financial task with something pleasant or positive. For example, every month when I made a payment towards the debt my ex incurred, I wrote something that I was thankful for in my new life. I pretended like the payment was going towards these positive changes.
- Remember that your bank account does not determine your worth and that improving finances takes time.
Strategies For Sleep
- Make your bedroom a sanctuary as much as possible. If this was your shared space with your ex, do whatever you can to reclaim it. Move the furniture. Buy new bedding. Surround yourself with things that make you feel secure and loved and remove anything with too much emotional attachment. Refrain from using the space to look at old pictures, prepare documents for the divorce, etc.
- If you’re feeling anxious, wait to try to go to bed. If you wake up and can’t fall back asleep within a few minutes, get out of bed. Have an activity designated for those nights that’s always at the ready so that you don’t spend your time doing something that will ultimately make you feel worse (social media, looking through old pictures, etc.). Some ideas to consider – a puzzle, a book, baking, walking, journaling, etc.
- Have a routine where you prime your mind for positive thoughts and/or purge negative ones before sleep. Journaling and gratitude journals are good for this.
- Try podcasts and/or sleep stories (available through apps or YouTube) to help distract your mind as you fall asleep.
- If your bed feels empty, try a weighted blanket or large heavy pillow to help to fill the space and provide a sense of physical comfort.
Strategies to Reconnect Mind and Body
- Yoga can be a phenomenal tool to help bring you back to your body and breath during times of stress. Here’s a discussion of the benefits it can bring and what to look for in finding the right practice for you.
- Try mindfulness apps or reminders on your devices. If meditation takes your mind to bad spaces right now, try something more active – walking, baking, playing an instrument.
- Get a massage. Non-sexual and no-expectations touch can be very healing. It’s amazing how much of our emotional pain becomes stored in the body. Massage helps to release it and, perhaps more importantly, increases our awareness of this physical manifestation.
- Try a breathing strategy. There are many of these (box breathing, alternate nostril breathing, 4 7 8 breathing, etc.). They all help to calm the nervous system and interpret the “fight or flight” response.
- Play with temperature extremes. Sometimes when we’re stressed, our bodies become almost numb. Saunas, steam rooms, and alternate hot and cold pools can help to release tension and also wake the body back up.
Strategies to Maintain Energy and Motivation
- Exercise. Inertia is real. When you’ve been at rest too long, you stay at rest. So get – and stay – moving. Find the type of exercise that works for you (solo or group, indoors or outdoors, morning or evening, cardio or strength, skill-based or mindless) and do it.
- Give yourself quality fuel. You may be drawn to “comfort” foods, but those tend to drain us instead of feed us. Think of this as healing from an illness or injury. Quality nutrition matters just as much when we’re healing from emotional wounds.
- Set goals for yourself. They can be small and they don’t have to even have anything to do with healing from divorce. Make them achievable, measurable and tangible. Write them down and put them where you’ll see them. Track them and celebrate your progress.
- Build in structure and accountability. It’s normal to feel a lack of motivation during the overwhelm of divorce. When the internal is flailing, put in the external supports (here are 5 ideas).
- Allow yourself permission to rest. Build in breaks. Schedule them ahead of time and take them guilt-free. I like to see them as refueling stations on a run.
- Create two lists – “Things I can control” and “Things I can’t control.” Make sure your energy (which is a limited resource) is going to those things you can control.
Strategies to Process Emotion
- If you’re struggling with anxiety, try exhausting the body. When the body is tired, the mind tends to settle.
- Try journaling. Here are reasons why it is beneficial and here is a collection of different strategies you can play with.
- Create some distance as you’re working through a particular situation. This can be done by stripping it down to its basic facts or by considering what you would tell a third person to do in this situation.
- Connect with others that have been through similar. Share your struggles and also listen to their perspectives and experiences.
- Try therapy. Here’s what you can gain from professional help.
Strategies for Parenting
- Generate a list of what is most important to you for your children (values, experiences, feelings, etc.). Seek to ensure that those get priority and give yourself permission to relax on the rest. For example, if it’s important to you that your kids know that they are loved, expressing and showing that on a regular basis is important. Having the perfect birthday party is not.
- Outsource some of the duties. If you can, hire help with housework or transportation. Trade with another parent so that you have more flexibility.
- Have your own outlets for emotional outbursts and difficult conversations. You can’t keep it together all of the time. You have to keep it together for the kids and so you also need opportunities to let yourself fall apart.
- If you have shared physical custody, plan ahead for those times when your home is empty. Don’t let yourself wallow.
- If coparenting is a struggle, research different approaches and strategies. Consider hiring a mediator if needed.
- Focus on the positive. Here are 7 things that divorce actually teaches children. Divorce is hard, but it’s not all-bad.
Strategies for Work
- Work can be both a respite and an impedance during divorce. Here is a collection of strategies you can try if you’re struggling to keep your mind on the tasks at hand and the emotion out of the office.
Strategies to Fill the Void
- Think back to interests that you had during childhood that have been neglected. Are there any of those you want to pick up again?
- Consider what you’re really missing when you say you miss your ex – the companionship, the adult helping with the kids, the shared history? Do you have other people or things in your life that can meet that need?
- Looking for more ideas? Here are other ways that you can fill the void left after divorce. And if you’re feeling lonely, here are 52 different things you can try.
Strategies for Nurturing Self
- Try cooking for yourself. In the most literal sense, you’re nurturing yourself and saying that you are worth the time and attention.
- Set aside time to take care of yourself. If you don’t make it a priority, it won’t happen. So schedule it and set reminders.
- Here are some other tips that you can try when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Strategies for Escape
- Be mindful about the digital content you consume. Instead of mindlessly Netflixing, find a series or movies that you truly enjoy and given them your attention.
- Make a note of how you feel after time on social media. Consider blocking people, deleting apps or altering your feeds to create a more positive and uplifting environment.
- Set a time limit for yourself on how many minutes or hours you will escape each day. Escape has its place, but it’s no place to live for the long run.
- If you’re finding that you’re spending too much time escaping, confide in a friend and ask them to help by calling you out on your excessive behaviors. Often just being aware of them can help.
Strategies For Dealing With Others
- Develop an “elevator speech” about what you’re dealing with that you can use when people inquire and you don’t want to go into detail. Keep it brief and practice it until you can deliver it without emotion.
- Tell your support system what you need – and don’t need – from them. They want to help and will actually feel relieved it you can give them specific things they can do or say. (Or what NOT to say!)
- Give yourself permission to take as many time outs as you need to. It’s okay to limit time with certain people.
The more coping strategies you try, the more likely you are to find some that will work. You CAN make it through this, but it won’t happen automatically. Healing is a process that requires that you be an active participant. So keep trying and keep taking those baby steps:)
Anxiety After Divorce
The dictionary defines anxiety as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Well, it’s no wonder then that anxiety becomes a constant companion for many facing divorce, which certainly epitomizes an “imminent event…with an uncertain outcome.”
It’s normal to feel anxious before, during and after divorce. You’re experiencing a period of loss and transition at the same time you may be struggling to reconnect with your very identity and purpose. That’s stressful no matter how you look at it.
Anxiety around divorce can be focused on one or more specific areas, or it may be more generalized and diffuse. The feeling may be clear-cut and easy to recognize or it can manifest in more subtle ways. Regardless of the particular nature of your divorce-related anxiety, the more you understand it, the better you can learn to navigate – and eventually curtail – it.
What You’re Anxious About
The Practical Concerns
These are often the first worries that manifest – How will I pay the bills without their income? Where will I live? How will we manage custody? What will the legal process be like?
There are so many important details of daily life that divorce impacts. And most of these have to be dealt with yesterday. Add the very real financial costs of divorce and it’s no wonder you’re losing sleep.
Personal Strength and Fortitude
“I’m not strong enough to get through this” is one of the first thoughts that many people have when they realize that divorce is imminent. The emotions threaten to drown you and the sheer amount of tasks you have to complete is completely overwhelming.
Maybe you’ve never been tested like this before and so you have no track record with which to reassure yourself of your tenacity. Or maybe you’re worried about the duration of this transition – how can you keep going when the finish line isn’t even marked?
The Impact on the Kids
From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell. Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.
It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.
It’s no wonder you’re anxious. You worry about the impact that this family transition will have on your children. You agonize over the pain they’re facing. You stress about how this might affect them moving forward. You lose sleep over the relationship they have with their other parent. And most of all, you constantly question if you’re doing the right thing, making the right decisions.
Emotional Reactions
I remember being so afraid of my emotional response. It felt like being pulled along by some powerful riptide, threatening to drown me at any moment.
The emotional reactions after divorce are strong, variable and unpredictable. You never know if you’re going to break down crying in the middle of a work presentation, burst into inappropriate laughter in a meeting your attorney or fly of the handle in a fit of rage because a form asked for you to indicate your marital status.
And this uncertainty combined with a feeling that you no longer have control over your inner world, leads to a great deal of anxiety.
Future Happiness
“Will I ever be happy again?” you wonder. And your anxious brain is ready with a reply – “No.”
You worry that the best years have already happened and that it’s all downhill from here. You wonder if this divorce will always be your defining moment. And you stress as you contemplate the thought that maybe you’re broken and that you cannot be repaired.
The Views of Others
You feel like those around you are judging you, labeling you as a “quitter” or quietly assuming that you failed as a person in order to have a failed marriage. Their voices – real or imagined – join your own, doubts and criticisms circling around your head like tubes in a lazy river.
This anxiety may extend to your general social standing and connections. Maybe you are now losing the family that you’ve grown to love and cherish. Perhaps you worry that you no longer fit into the “couples only club” that is your primary friend group. Or, in your cultural or religious group, divorce may be viewed as a sin and you’re shunned for your circumstances.
New Relationships and Finding Love Again
You worry that your ex was your soulmate and that you somehow screwed up your only chance for love. The thought of dating again is downright terrifying and you wonder if anybody will love the older, more jaded, and less tolerant version of you. And that’s of course assuming that there are even people out there that you’d be interested in.
Finding love is only the starting place for your anxiety. Then comes the question of keeping it. After all, you don’t have such a great track record right now. You worry that you’re going to end up in this same place again.
How the Anxiety Manifests
A Feeling of Being “Driven”
Anxiety has energy. It is an accelerant. A propellant. The focus of this drive can vary, turning towards everything from your performance at work to finding out every detail possible about the person your ex cheated on you with. Sometimes anxiety feels like you’re being driven by a motor but you’re spinning your wheels.
Obsessive Thoughts
You may be obsessively wondering how your ex could have acted the way they did. Or maybe you’re fixated on something you did that contributed to the collapse of the marriage. Anxiety often causes our thoughts to become trapped like the water above a blocked drain, as we desperately sift through them looking for a way to control the outcome.
Avoidance and Distractions
Anxiety is not a comfortable feeling. So when something causes undo stress, we often avoid it in order to eliminate that discomfort. This can manifest by intentionally or subconsciously avoiding locations or situations that you know will trigger an emotional reaction. Others may turn to distractions (everything from dating to work) in an attempt to give a wide berth to anything that may cause anxiety to spike.
A Sense of Futility
Anxiety is the world’s greatest pessimist. It will always tell you that not only is the glass empty, but the glass is cracked and will never hold anything of substance again. If you’re feeling defeated and assuming that it’s a permanent state, that may be your anxiety talking.
Restlessness
Are you feeling a need to redecorate your entire home? Or maybe move to a new home – or country – altogether? Do you have trouble staying still and you seem to always find something to keep you busy? Anxiety has its own fear – a fear of stillness and quiet. So when you’re anxious, you’re often restless.
How to Handle Your Anxiety
Call in the Professionals
Get help if you need it! There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, admitting a need for and accepting help are great signs of strength.
How do you know if you need help with your anxiety? Here are some signs that it’s time:
- Your anxiety is interfering with your ability to carry out the basic functions of daily life
- The divorce is history, yet your anxiety still remains
- Symptoms of depression are present along with the anxiety
- You’re turning to substances to help you manage your anxiety
- Your children are being impacted by your anxiety
- You want to improve your anxiety but you don’t know how
Incorporate Exercise
Exercise won’t cure anxiety, but if you exhaust the body, it has a tendency to tire out the mind as well. And when it comes to worrying, a tired mind is a happier mind.
Play around with different types of exercise. Perhaps you do best with yoga and its emphasis on breathing through discomfort. Or maybe running helps you process your thoughts and gives you a sense of progress. You may find that you’re drawn to martial arts, where your anxiety can be funneled into strikes and you gain a sense of power and strength.
The what doesn’t matter here. The regularity and commitment does. Figure out what works for you and practice it frequently.
Learn to Recognize Anxiety
Be aware of how anxiety manifests in your mind and body. Does your chest get tight? Your stomach upset? Your brain on overdrive?
Just being aware of these signs can 1) give you a sense of control over your anxiety and 2) provide you with an opportunity to do something about it. You’ve heard about love languages. This is the time to become fluent in your own fear language.
Face Your Fears
When we avoid situations that cause us discomfort, we allow them to grow in size and power. Think about all of the times you’ve been afraid to do something, from jumping into a pool as a child or having a difficult conversation as an adult. How many times did you discover that the anticipation was worse than the reality? Quite a bit, I expect.
And also think about your mindset before and after you faced that fear. Before, you were fixated on the situation, playing out all of the possible outcomes and worrying about every one. After? Well, it no longer seemed so important and all of that mental energy no longer had to be allocated its direction.
It’s pretty simple, really. Not easy, but simple.
Avoidance makes your anxieties grow. Facing your fears diminishes their power.
Chart Your Progress
When it comes to healing from divorce, progress is so slow that it’s often imperceptible from your viewpoint. So document your journey. Bring awareness to your progress.
Journaling is one way to accomplish this. You can go back at any time and read your earlier entries to get a feeling of how far you’ve come. This serves to both help you recognize your strength and also gives you hope that things will continue to improve.
Question Your Conclusions
Anxiety lies. Just think about it – when you’re sifting through all of the possible outcomes, how many of them or positive or even neutral? Not very many, I expect. Yet, the reality is that many outcomes fall into these categories. But anxiety always assumes the worst.
So learn to question your conclusions. Where is this assumption coming from – facts or fears? If it’s the latter, you have permission to ignore the advice.
Implement a Gratitude Practice
When you’re grateful, you’re in the moment. When you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. Take some time every day to focus on those things that bring you joy and appreciation. Write them down in a place where you can return time and time again to literally count your blessings.
Listen to Others
We don’t do well when we live only within the echo chamber of our own minds. So allow other voices in. Hear their perceptive and their wisdom.
From others, we gain insight into ourselves and inspiration to keep trying.
Accept Anxiety as a Natural Response
We have evolved to experience anxiety as nature’s way of keeping us safe. We are primed to feel fear and uncertainty around novel situations to help guide our decisions in a safe direction.
Anxiety is natural. However, modern life doesn’t present us with the simple dilemmas our ancient ancestors faced. The question about whether the meat gained from hunting the large game is worth the risk has been replaced with the constant worry about your child’s ability to navigate the emotional fallout from divorce.
So it’s important to both accept your anxiety as a natural response to a potentially threatening and new situation and also expend effort to lessen your anxiety since the potential triggers are ongoing.
And always remember – you may feel anxious at any given moment, but YOU are not your anxiety.
Playing Make-Believe With Your Healing Progress
“I just want to be healed already!” I said out loud to myself once I closed the car door. I had just finished a Sunday afternoon run where I was caught off guard by tears that came uninvited. Feeling defeated, I let the sobs overtake me as I slumped over the steering wheel. “Great,” I thought, “I was a failure as a wife and now I’m failing as a divorcee.”
A mere hour later, showered and presentable, I responded to a friend’s inquiry about my well-being.
“I’m doing great actually. I barely even think about it.”
Of course, that wasn’t really accurate. I said it because I so desperately wanted it to be true.
To some extent, I think we all play make-believe with our own healing progress at some points. Whether driven by internal motivators or because we fear external judgments, we pretend to be further along than we actually are.
So why do we pretend to be over it when we’re still in the thick of it?
We pretend to be healed because we want to leave it all behind us.
We know that when we’re going through hell, we’re supposed to keep going. But the temptation is strong to try to simply close the door on that hell and pretend as though it never happened. We tire of being known as “the divorcing one,” we groan whenever the lawyer’s missives intrude and more than anything, we just want life to be normal again.
We pretend to be healed because we feel pressure to move on from others.
In the beginning, the sympathy and concern pour forth with abandon. And then the empathic and inquisitive words begin to wane until they are all-but absent. Our pain, so prominent and attended-to int he beginning, has been tossed aside like yesterday’s news. It’s not that others no longer care, it’s that either they have reached compassion fatigue or they are unaware of how long it can take to heal.
We pretend to be healed because we are impatient with the healing process.
Healing from divorce is a marathon. No, scratch that. It’s an ultramarathon. It goes on and on and on. And every time you think you’re over it, the finish line seems to have moved just a little bit further away. All of that is not even taking into account the Chutes and Ladders nature of healing, where every arduous climb can seemingly be undone in an instant.
How to Be Patient With a Procrastinating Healing Process
We pretend to be healed because we feel ashamed for still struggling so much.
“It’s been five years and I’m still really struggling,” the voice whispers to me over the phone on an introductory coaching call. Unspoken, but evident behind those words was, “I’m ashamed that I’m still struggling so much after all this time.” A shame that had led this particular person to pretend to be “over it” with everyone around them. It was only to themselves on the long nights – and now to me – that they could admit that healing was still ongoing.
We pretend to be healed so that we can adhere to some prescribed timeline.
We have a tendency to put too much importance on anniversaries – assuming that as soon as some arbitrary date rolls around, we will have magically shed our pain. You wait for that date with anticipation, as though it’s a graduation and you will receive your freedom. And then when the day passes and the relief hasn’t come, you decide to simply pretend that diploma stating your completion of healing.
Healing does not speak calendar.
Lisa Arends
What’s the problem with pretending to be healed?
When we don’t give ourselves the space or the time to heal, we risk stalling or even complicating the process. Much like with a wound to the flesh, ignoring it or sealing it in without first washing it out can lead to a larger problem than the initial injury.
Furthermore, when we are playing make-believe, we are preventing others from being able to render aide and we are closing ourselves off from receiving help. It can be scary to admit that you’re not okay. But often the only way to get there is by first admitting that you’re not.
There are no “shoulds” when it comes to healing. You’ll get there on your own path and on your timeline. Be patient enough to take the time you need. Be brave enough to speak your truth. And be humble enough to admit when you need help.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 