Five Empowering Ways to Recover From Gaslighting

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recover gaslighting

I’ve written about why gaslighting is the worst. Here’s just a snippet:

It’s horrifying when you realize that the person you love, you trust, has been slowly and intentionally lying and manipulating you. It’s like that nightmare you had when you were 5 where Santa Claus suddenly turned into a monster. Only this monster is real and you shared a bed with them

Of course, if you’ve lived it, you already know that.

So here are five things that you can do now to help you recover and to allow YOUR light to shine bright again!

In all of my divorce, the single most painful event was an email, sent to both my mother and to his other wife a mere day after he was arrested for bigamy. In the message, he created and twisted stories that painted me as controlling, greedy and impossible to live with. This was followed by a paragraph about how wonderful his new wife was and how my mother would simply “love to meet her.” And all this from a man that had professed his love to me less than a week earlier.

That letter stung. Badly.

Until I finally recognized it for what it was – a physical manifestation of the gaslighting that I had been subjected to for the past several years.

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Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates and controls by morphing reality.

It can be …

1) Form of denial:

  • “That didn’t happen.”
  • “You’re remembering that wrong.”
  • “That’s not what you saw.”

2) Providing false and plausible explanations:

  • “The account is overdrawn because the bank messed up.”
  • “The boss needed me to work late and my phone’s battery was dead.”

3) Character assassination:

  • “You are always negative.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “My husband is terrible to me and the kids.”

It often involves projection – accusing the victim of what the abuser is actually doing.

Gaslighting is a subtle abuse, existing below the surface of consciousness while it’s happening. But it’s a relentless abuse, persisting and even growing long after the abuser has gone. It impacts your ability to trust – others and even more importantly, yourself and your own perceptions. It encourages obsessive thought about the past, endlessly sorting through memories looking for false facades that you believed were real. Gaslighting often leads to relentless overthinking going forward, a hyperawareness of your surroundings in an attempt to spot any irregularities. It’s a seed of doubt planted deep in your brain that wants to keep growing.

It takes time to recover from gaslighting, to separate the truth from the manufactured and to learn to trust your own judgments. The following strategies can help you move on from your abuser’s influence:

No Contact 

I was lucky, although it felt like anything but at the time. My soon-to-be-ex-husband refused contact. At first, I saw it as an additional layer of cruelty. Later, I realized it was exactly what I needed to begin the healing process.

So often people aren’t even aware that they were gaslighted until they’ve been free of it for several months. If at all possible, institute a no contact policy with your ex. If you have to maintain connection, email is best so that you have an evidence trail of what was said. Create firm boundaries with yourself in regards to communication and be alert to any signs of further manipulation.

Create Distance

I found a note in my mailbox from my former husband’s employer and a mutual friend, asking me to call her. Expecting shock and support, I was caught off guard when she said that she didn’t blame him for leaving after the way I had been acting. Apparently, he had been feeding her stories for years, painting me in a bad light and making him seem like a hapless victim.  Even though she asked me to keep in touch, I never spoke with her again.

Even if you’re not in contact with your ex, their sphere of influence may extend into yours. If they have intentionally attacked your character to others, you may need to refrain from contact with those who believed the fictitious stories. Some may come around in time. Some never will.  The additional fallout is sad, but you need to make yourself the priority right now.  Surround yourself with people that are committed to you.

Reality Anchor

After receiving that letter, I gathered emails and documents that systematically refuted each of his claims about me. They weren’t hard to find. I added to that pile a printout of his mug shot. That stack of paper was then tucked into my purse for the next few months. And every time I felt doubt taking hold, I would pull out those papers and remind myself of the truth.

Find your own reality anchors – tangible and irrefutable reminders of the truth – and keep them close to you. They are a security blanket of reality while you’re dealing with the confusion of gaslighting.

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Rebuild Your Self-Image 

I used to think I hated mums, the ubiquitous fall blooms. It was only years after the divorce when I realized that the flowers actually made me smile. I had only claimed to hate them because my ex-husband did. His manipulations and my receptiveness had blurred the line between his thoughts and my beliefs. I had to rebuild my self-image from the ground up, not as he saw me but as I saw myself.

When you’re being gaslighted, you are inadvertently allowing somebody else to tell you who you are and what you believe. It can be scary to begin to voice your opinions and perceptions again. It can be overwhelming to get to know yourself again without outside influence. This is a time to shed all of the assumptions you have about yourself. Be curious. Be open. Try things on. And rebuild yourself one step at a time.

Take Responsibility For You

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility. Even with all that happened to me before and during my divorce, I realized that if I continued to see myself as a victim, I would remain a victim. I began the hard work of learning to trust my intuition again. I made inroads into understanding how my own past and temperament contributed to my situation.  I refused to ever again trust somebody else more than I trusted myself.

And that’s the ultimate freedom from gaslighting – taking back the strings that control your life.

Understanding Financial Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial abuse

When I first realized that I had been a victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband, my first reaction was fear. How in the world would I be able to survive, much less rebuild, with the accounts bled dry and the debt growing by the day?

That was followed by anger. How dare he lie to me about our finances for years, pretending to have our best interests at heart while he simultaneously stole my hard-earned money from behind my trusting back? And why was I responsible for cleaning up the mess he made?

But the emotion that persisted throughout? That would be shame.

I berated myself for being stupid, for trusting too much and verifying too little. I felt ashamed at having to consider bankruptcy and embarrassed when I had to ask for financial help from others. I blamed myself for my situation. It was only later that I realized that it was abuse. 

Financial abuse is real. Yet it’s rarely discussed or understood, leaving people vulnerable to its impact and furthering the harm that the victims of this type of abuse face when they try to speak out. As with any abuse, understanding is power.

 

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What is financial abuse?

Any abuse is ultimately about control and manipulation. Financial abuse is no different, only it uses money as a tool to exploit and exert power.

Financial abuse can be overt or covert. Overt financial abuse often occurs alongside physical and/or emotional abuse. In this situation, access to money is knowingly restricted in an attempt to limit the victim’s options. The abuser may limit the other’s ability to earn money or may insist that they control all of the finances.

In covert abuse, the financial manipulations are done in secret. This can take the form of hidden assets that are intentionally withheld from the partner or can appear as concealed debts that are accumulated without the other’s knowledge. The abuser may use marital status to access shared accounts or may take out lines of credit in their spouse’s name. Covert financial abuse is a type of betrayal; lying and hiding become the norm as the person carefully covers their tracks.

As with other types of abuse, the abuser may use gaslighting and projection in an attempt to shift the focus off of themselves. They claim that their spouse is an extravagant spender or they may pretend that they have had a new purchase for a long time. In some cases (raising my hand here), the abuser may even go so far as to create false documentation to match their claims about money.

What does the law say about financial abuse?

When I first discovered that I was the victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband one day after he left me via text, I assumed that the courts would protect me. After all, taking money from somebody without their consent is fraud, right?

Wrong.

At least in the eyes of the law when you’re married. I learned the hard way that I was the one responsible for all of the debt that he incurred in my name. It didn’t matter that he lied. Nobody seemed concerned that he forged my name for the benefit of others and documents to cover his tracks with me. Because we were married, his financial actions were yoked to my consequences.

From some people I received sympathy. But I never found justice, with one notable exception – the IRS. Without my knowledge, my husband had made changes to our tax returns prior to filing, falsely claiming medical and charitable deductions. Days after he left, I received certified letters from the IRS demanding over $6,000. I used money from a family member to settle the debt and assumed that it was simply another financial hit that I would have to absorb.

And then I learned about Innocent Spouse Relief, a special IRS program designed specifically for the victims of domestic financial abuse that includes tax deception. That letter marking me “innocent” was perhaps even more important than the subsequent checks reimbursing me for his fraud. It felt so good to be believed and absolved of at least some of the consequences.

How does financial abuse affect you?

Financial abuse does not end when the relationship does. In a very real sense, it may take years to rebuild financial security and to shore up a flagging credit score. More subtle, but no less difficult, is the accompanying emotional abuse that stays with you in the form of internalized beliefs and negative self-talk.

Money is about so much more than money.

We equate credit scores with trustworthiness and financial status with social worth. Add to that the embarrassment that comes from being conned and the sense of betrayal stemming from the lies, and financial abuse leads to some pretty difficult emotions.

Interactions with others often feed into the shame and negativity. There was the bankruptcy counselor that chided me for buying healthy food, even after I told her that my husband ran up the debt in my name and kale was certainly not the reason behind the $40,000 in credit card debt that I had been “gifted.” Then there was the rental specialist at the apartment complex that had the power to approve or deny my lease application. When a check revealed unpaid utility bills (another surprise parting gift), he thought it appropriate to lecture me. Again, this was after he knew about my situation. The truth is that most people don’t understand financial abuse and so they have a tendency to blame the victim.

Even ten years out, I still struggle with my relationship to money. I feel guilty when I spend it (even though it’s now within my means), hearing my ex husband’s voice claiming that I am irresponsible. There is an insecurity that I now possess around money; I need a certain amount available to calm my sense of panic.

Financial abuse is complex. It impacts both your bank account and your brain and both require time and sustained effort to recover.

How can you recover from financial abuse?

When it comes to recovery from financial abuse, time is your biggest ally. Your first priority has to be your financial health. Start by taking a critical look at your situation. If this is too much right now (as it was for me in the beginning), ask for help from a trusted friend or family member. Set your priorities – What do you need to pay right now? What alerts can you put on your accounts to protect you from further fraud? What companies do you need to contact to arrange a payment plan? What bills can be ignored for now?

I know it’s hard to face this when it should not be your mess to clean up. Yet facing it is the only way to remove it from your life. One trick I used in the five years it took for me to pay off his parting debts was to jot down a little note of gratitude every time I paid a bill.

I decided to view these debts he left me with as a down payment on a better life. It was then up to me to ensure that it was money well spent.

For me, the emotional recovery trailed behind the financial recuperation. As long as I was still making payments, I found it difficult to shed the shame and the anger. Once the debts were settled and the savings began to build again, I found that I was able to find some peace with the past. I made mistakes that put me in the position where I could be financially controlled. I can’t go back and change those, but I can certainly learn from them going forward.

How can you protect yourself from financial abuse?

Limit the damage that someone can cause. Have some money that only you have access to and maintain some credit only in your name.  Use a credit monitoring service or download a credit app on your phone and check it weekly to make sure there aren’t any unauthorized accounts in your name. Check periodically to ensure that you still have access to any joint accounts and that passwords have not been changed.

Pay attention to any discrepancies between lifestyle and income. Ask questions and don’t be too quick to believe answers that don’t read as truth. Check for evidence that money is going where it is supposed to and that it is not being funneled a different direction.

Be aware of attempts at gaslighting, where your spouse denies reality, perhaps claiming that money wasn’t spent when the evidence points to the contrary. Also, look for situations where you’re falsely accused of spending too much. This may be an indication that your partner is the one burning through funds.

If you have a tendency to be avoidant about financial stressors, be extra cautious. Your difficulty confronting money challenges makes it easier for someone to manipulate you. Work on resolving your own relationship with money so that you’re more comfortable discussing it.

And finally, if you see something, say something. I know it’s scary to face the truth. But once you know what you’re dealing with, you can take action to deal with it.

What Makes People Susceptible to Gaslighting?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s so hard for me now to understand how I fell for my ex-husband’s BS. From where I stand now, his gaslighting and manipulation tactics seems transparent and absurd.

But that certainly wasn’t the case while I was living it.

In fact, I was more likely to accept that I was crazy than to accuse him of madness.

Why was that? What conditions existed in myself, my marriage and in my life that made me susceptible to gaslighting?

Psychology reassures me that I’m not alone. In 1951, the Asch Conformity Experiment sought to garner information on if people will begin to go along with the assertions of others even when that conclusion is contradicted by their own senses.

In the experiment, a group of people were seated around a table and asked to select the card that matched a given image – displaying either one or three lines. In the control group, all of the subjects were authentic participants and people easily selected the correct card.

In the experimental group, only one person at the table was an actual subject; the others were part of the experiment and were directed to chose the incorrect card. In this situation, the subject went along with the majority about one third of the time and selected the incorrect card. The pressure to be accepted was greater than the confidence in their own instinct.

When interviewed later, some admitted that they made the selection even though they knew it was wrong.

And some confided that they truly believed that they were seeing something that wasn’t there.

Why is it that some people are relatively impervious to this kind of influence and others are more easily influenced?

 

Opportunity in Vulnerability

The early years with my ex-husband were marked by tragedy as thirteen of my friends and mentors died over a few years. During that period, my then-boyfriend became my rock. My center. I anchored to him because it felt like everything was being washed away.

I was needy. Uncertain. I looked to him for guidance, not because he had any more wisdom, but because I was lost myself.

When we’re broken open, we are more susceptible to being controlled by outside forces. In times of increased vulnerability, we are more likely to look for guidance from people intent on misleading us down a path of their choosing.

 

Fear of Rejection

I went into the relationship with my ex-husband carrying a substantial fear of abandonment. Within this fear, I confused a rejection of my ideas as a rejection of me. And so I too-willingly agreed. Because to disagree meant risking that I would be discarded.

It somehow seemed better to abandon my truth than to be abandoned myself.

The fear of rejection is powerful. In our core selves, we understand that in terms of survival, rejection equals death. And sometimes we’re willing to do the unthinkable to stay alive.

 

Trusting and Kind-Hearted Nature

Before the discovery that I was married to con man, I had little exposure to people trying to harm me. In my experiences, people were generally kind with good intentions and so I assumed a default position of trust.

We all have a tendency to see people as we are. So those that are susceptible to gaslighting are likely to be trustworthy and trusting. They struggle to accept that somebody – especially somebody who claims to love them – would intentionally manipulate and destroy them from the inside.

 

Open-Mindedness

As a curious and creative kid, I was always asking questions and considering possibilities. I learned to be wary of knee-jerk conclusions and long-carried assumptions. This open-mindedness served me well in academics. It didn’t prove so beneficial in relationships because I could be led into questioning my own conclusions. And that’s a problem when the one carrying the lead has nefarious intentions.

Open-mindedness is one of the key psychological traits that exist on a continuum. Those that exist on the more extreme end of the spectrum are likely more impressionable to outside influence.

 

Self-Doubt

Like many people, I sometimes struggle with an internal voice that questions my worth and my perceptions. My ex-husband knew this and would skillfully both reassure me and plant new seeds of doubt deep within the recesses of my mind.

Self-doubt is gold to a gaslighter; they’re drawn to it for the opportunity it provides and they are experts at utilizing it to their advantage. As a result, people are more vulnerable to gaslighting when they are in periods of transition that result in a greater self-doubt.

 

Isolation

In real terms, I wasn’t isolated during my marriage. I had a full-time job as a teacher, I tutored on the side and I talked with friends and family on a frequent basis.

Yet the reality was that I was isolated when it came to my marriage. Not only did I have tendency to spend too much time within my own head, I also refrained from talking about my husband or my marriage in any real way to those around me.

I never gave myself the opportunity for a reality check.

Gaslighting proliferates when there are no other sources of light. When there are a multitude of external influences, it is more difficult to be persuaded by a single source.

 

It’s easy for me to beat myself up over falling for his manipulations. But mostly, when I look back with perspective, I feel compassion for the woman I was. Yes, she made the mistake of trusting too much and loving too easily. And in the mix, she forgot how to trust herself. But she also showed how strong she was and in the end, she found the courage to find her truth.

 

Recognizing the Signs of Covert Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For more information about gaslighting and covert abuse click here.

Five Signs That You May Be in Denial

Posted on by stilllearning2b

If I had been able to be honest with myself during my first marriage, I would have known that something was wrong.

But I wasn’t honest with myself. Instead, I was doing the adult equivalent of the child hiding under the covers when a strange noise reverberates throughout the house. Part of my brain was acting in an attempt to protect me; keeping me blinded from the truth and providing me with the illusion of security.

At the time (and even in the months following the brutal discovery of what was happening beyond my closed eyes), I wasn’t able to tell that I was in denial. When asked, I would describe in detail the extreme efforts that my ex undertook to keep the truth hidden from me. But I would stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the efforts I went to in order to keep the truth from myself.

Looking back, these are the five signs that suggested that I was in denial:

 

1 – I Made Excuses

I attributed my stress to work. I brushed off my then-husband’s strange comment to his health-related tension. I excused the rejected debit card as a miscommunication with the bank. There was always a reason for everything, and that reason never had anything to do with my husband embezzling marital funds or seeking another wife.

When excuses, for yourself or others, become the knee-jerk reaction, it’s a sign that you may be ignoring something important. Pay attention to your pardons. If they are frequent, especially with regards to a certain person or situation, it would be wise to consider looking deeper.

 

2 – My Reactions Were Over-the-Top

When my husband would call and announce that he would be home late from work, I would have to fight back my initial strong response. When he made a minor – and admitted or visible – mistake, I would find myself becoming irrationally upset. And that’s because I wasn’t responding to the situation at hand; I was reacting to what I was not allowing myself to see.

Pay attention to your reactions. If they are consistently rating a 10 in response to a level 2 or 3 offense, your emotions may be due to something else entirely. Take a moment and explore what is really upsetting you.

 

3 – Certain Thoughts or Topics Were Off Limits

We never talked about what would happen if our relationship didn’t go the distance. We never discussed infidelity or the temptations that all people can encounter. I never allowed my thoughts to wander in the direction of my husband being anything but loving towards me.

When certain topics are in the no-go zone (either between you or even within your own mind), it is an indication that you may be intentionally refusing to explore what is hidden there. Those darkened spaces become the closet where the monstrous secrets can hide until they grow too big to contain.

 

4 – I Had an Underlying Current of Anxiety

It was electric, a strange buzz that radiated through my entire body. It came on slowly, so it was difficult to say for certain that it hadn’t always been there. It reminded me of the spidey sense I get as a teacher before a fight breaks out – it’s a physical awareness of emotional energy.

Even when our brains are stubbornly refusing to acknowledge something, our bodies are often clued-in. Pay attention to your physical symptoms – elevated heart rate or blood pressure, stomach issues or frequent illness. Your body may be trying to tell you something.

 

5 – There Was a Disconnect Between Observations and Conclusions

I believed that my husband was a good man. Kind. Caring. And hard-working. Yet there were times that his actions didn’t support those presumptions. So I simply brushed those times aside.

This is confirmation bias at its worst – we make conclusions and then proceed to seek out evidence that supports it and reject any information to the contrary. This is a cognitive distortion that we are all subject to, yet awareness of it goes a long way in limiting its reach. Don’t allow your conclusions to be so entrenched that you ignore any further observations.

 

Denial seems like it’s a comfortable place. After all, the child hiding beneath the covers convinces himself that there is safety to be found on the bed. At the same time, he is held prisoner beneath the sheets, convincing himself that to step out from the covers would be dangerous even as he constantly worries about what lurks outside.

Instead, if the child throws back the sheets and summons the courage to investigate the strange noise, the worry dissipates as he either discovers that the threat is imagined or he learns the true nature of the danger.

Denial comes a great cost. It provides you with some temporary security and asks for your constant fear in return. Trust that you can face whatever scares you and you will find that your fear fades away.