Legacy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

During periods of struggle in my life, my maternal grandmother has been my lighthouse. She has endured many hardships during her 94 years and each one has caused her to embrace life with even more passion and vigor. She showed me from a very young age that although you cannot always change your circumstances, you can always change your attitude.

I’ve always identified with my grandmother; we have similar wiring that causes us to think (and often over think!) through problems, planning every little detail. This means that we’re always prepared, but it also can create needless worry about things that may never occur. We are both driven by a hunger to know more, understand more. And we both have a memory that is both a blessing and a curse, that retains and replays every life scene.

Her lessons make me laugh, as they never come in the expected form of words from a grandmother to a child. Her wisdom is transmitted through quips and actions that reveal the astuteness beneath. Here are a few of her pearls and the gifts beneath.

Tenacity

When I was in second grade, I was assigned a project to collect and identify seeds from several different trees. As an overachiever, I was not content to simply utilize the trees around my home in Texas, so I asked my grandmother to send me some from Wisconsin. A few days later, I opened an envelope with an assortment of seeds and a handwritten piece of paper detailing their origin. I promptly glued those seeds along with their southern relatives on a piece of poster board, labeled each find and turned it in. I was done. But grandma was just getting started. For the next three years, I would periodically receive an envelope filled with more seeds. I don’t think she stopped until she had collected genetic material from every tree in the state.

Play

One of my favorite memories of my grandmother is from a visit when I was a teenager. All of the cousins were present on this visit and the decision was made (probably for sanity’s sake) for the entire family to go to the water park. I assumed my grandmother, who was around 80 at the time, would elect to stay home or, at the very least, stay with the bags and the baby while the rest of us tackled the slides. I could not have been more wrong. There is something about the sight of an 80-year-old woman squealing with joy beneath her flowered swim cap going down a water slide that makes everyone smile.

Openness

I first moved in with my ex husband when we were just 19. I was nervous about my grandmother’s reaction. And shocked when I received it. One day, mere weeks after moving in, I received an envelope with a check for $200 (a fortune to two 19-year-olds just starting out) and a note that read, “This is a gift in stages for a marriage in stages.”

Curiosity

I think my grandmother could probably secure a job as a presidential advisor. No, seriously. She craves knowledge like a retriever follows a tennis ball. When mobility issues started to keep her home more, she found ways to bring the world to her. It’s not unusual for her to know about a weather event or other news story in my area before I do. Even though she has never been able to visit me in my 15 years in Atlanta, give her a map and she could plot every place I’ve ever lived and worked. Let’s just say we should all be appreciative she uses her powers for good, not evil.

Defiance

I have always been a rule follower. My grandmother is a rule breaker. No need to alert the police, she doesn’t speed or jaywalk or anything of that nature. But she also doesn’t let other’s rules box her in. Women aren’t supposed to do that? Hogwash. I’m too old? Watch this. Oh, I’m not supposed to think that way? Tough. At times, she has faced consequences for her actions, but she doesn’t waver.

Acceptance

I made a trek to Wisconsin mere weeks after Brock and I started dating. When I saw his picture on my grandmother’s fridge, I was a bit startled. It seemed too soon; I wasn’t sure this guy deserved a place among the family yet. “Don’t worry,” my grandmother replied to my inquisition with a smile, “It’s not up there with glue.”

Gratitude

My grandmother has nursed enough people to earn an honorary RN. She has survived the death of two husbands. She kept her family going through the depression and other hardships. She faced more obstacles than a participant in a mud run. And the amazing part? She never complains. No matter what life throws at her, she turns it over to see the positives hidden beneath.

Her legacy is in her lessons, now passed on to her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and anyone else who has crossed her path.

 

 

 

After Divorce: From Surviving to Thriving

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Days after my tsunami divorce, my mom turned to me and told me I would survive.

I actually got angry and responded rather strongly, “No, I will not survive. I will thrive. To do anything less is to remain his victim.”

I saw surviving as the bare minimum, the mere intake of breath and food in order to go through the motions of life. I refused to settle for that. I wanted more. It felt insurmountable, yet the vision and hope remained intact.

Inspired by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, these goals can serve to help you navigate the challenging path after divorce and take you from merely surviving to thriving.

Survive

The first tier of goals are about your literal survival. In the beginning, it is enough to simply focus on your next breath. And then the one after that. The goal is to keep you alive and functioning. These physical needs must be addressed first before any further progress can be made. Read the rest here to learn how to go from merely surviving to beautifully thriving!

Security

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the more difficult losses during divorce is the loss of security. On an emotional level, you are vulnerable and facing the realization that the stability you imagined only existed in your mind. On a physical level, you may have to move, you may be the sole adult in the home and your finances will be tighter than before.

Loss of security is scary. It leaves us raw and open. It takes time to rebuild your emotional strength; there are no quick fixes.

But I just stumbled across a quick fix for the physical security.

Brock just recently installed an alarm system in our home (I guess the 90 lb pit bull and his multiple black belts weren’t enough:) I suggest you don’t stop by uninvited!). Now, this just isn’t any old alarm system.

This is pure brilliance.

The product is called SimpliSafe. It’s a wireless, install-it-yourself fully customizable alarm system with available monitoring.

Now, this system is awesome in general, but after seeing it in action, I immediately thought of why it is perfect after divorce.

Portability

It’s common after divorce to be a bit of a nomad, moving from place to place until you’re settled again. A traditional alarm system is expensive to install and must be left behind, as it is hardwired into the home. SimpliSafe is different. Every component is wireless and comes with removable wall adhesive strips on the back. When you move, SimpliSafe can move with you.

Affordability

Typical alarm systems may hook you in with a low up-front cost, but then charge a high, monthly monitoring fee. Or, if you waive the contract, you’re paying thousands for the initial system. With SimpliSafe, you pay for each component separately, buying only what you need. We spent just over $400 to fully cover our decent-sized home with security and fire alarms. The monthly monitoring is also affordable, starting at $15/month. Pennies count after divorce and this system helps them stretch.

Ease of Use

Brock had the entire system up and running in under an hour. No waiting for an installation appointment. No drills. No problem. And a call to customer service was picked up and handled immediately. After divorce, it’s nice to have anything simple.

Fully Customizable 

You can buy and install exactly what you need and where you need it. You can buy keychain dongles that allow you to disarm and set the alarm from the garage. They even have a panic button on the keychain so that you can carry it on you around the house and yard. The add-ons are impressive, but you can always go basic. And, if you have any concerns about the volume produced by a wireless siren, rest easy. My ears were ringing for hours!

This is a completely unsolicited review. I just remember that raw fear of vulnerability post-divorce and I want to share anything that might relieve just a bit of that distress. So, if you’re in the market for an alarm, check out SimpliSafe. It won’t heal your heart, but it may help you sleep a little better at night.

Fine China

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems like people possess one of two mindsets when it comes to their dishes.

Some invest in a glorious set of matching fine china with visions of dinner parties and holiday dinners dancing through their heads. The dishes are prized, often protected behind the glass barricade of a cabinet. Every use requires an internal debate – is the perceived benefit worth the possible breakage that could occur? Most “china” families that I have known usually ere on the side of caution. The china becomes something to admire from afar while more plain plates grace the dinner table. No event seems quite good enough to unlock the doors.

Those on the other side of the divide either fill their cabinets with accumulated ware or purchase a budget-friendly matched set. There is no debate about bringing out a certain plate. After all, plates are meant to be eaten from. Sometimes, a bowl may chip when it meets the counter’s edge or a plate may shatter if it is dropped to the floor. It is a loss, certainly. But it is understood that some loss is inherent in the use of dishes.

I see that same dichotomy in people’s mindset after heartbreak.

Some people, after experiencing the crushing blow of the end of a relationship, vow to never risk that feeling again. They work to repair their heart and then they hide it away, afraid that using it would open them up to further heartbreak. With each encounter, they carefully weigh the potential risks against the possible reward. And usually they ere on the side of caution. Nobody ever seems quite worth the risk of tearing down the barriers.

Other are less cautious. They feel the heartbreak just as intently, but they understand that some amount of loss is inherent in love. Once their hearts are repaired, they are ready to put it back on the table. Even if that means that it may break again. After all, aren’t hearts meant to love and be loved?

A note to those of you in “china” families: I don’t get y’all, but I’m jealous. My home will never look as good or as put together:) Keep rocking that china! And, on a related note, please don’t judge if you’re over for dinner. You will be eating off chipped plates. Which I happen to think are perfect.

 

Bookends

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I rarely think or write about my parent’s divorce. It feels like ancient history and, for the most part, I never viewed it as a defining moment in my life.

But I may have been wrong.

As I dig down into the roots of some of my thought patterns, it seems like the fallout from their divorce is the soil from which they sprouted.

Damn.

My parents, at least from my perspective, had a good divorce. Or at least as good as a divorce can be. I was insulated from as much of it as possible. There were no court battles, custody and child support agreements were made and followed. They both refrained from talking badly about the other and both made huge efforts to put my needs first.

They did pretty much everything right. Which is probably why I handled the transition well and don’t recall feeling undue stress.

But even when done well, change changes you.

We soon went from a family of three to a mom-daughter pair. I knew she was stressed and I didn’t want to add to that burden. I knew money was limited and I didn’t want to spend. I knew she had an abundance of responsibility and I didn’t want to contribute to the load.

Additionally, their divorce left me a bit like a chick pushed out of the nest a little too soon. And even though they picked me right back up, the knowledge of that unforgiving ground was impossible to forget.

Some kids go a little wild when their parents split, looking for attention and release.

I went the other way.

I became responsible.

I became perfectionistic.

I became self-reliant.

I took it upon myself to become my own parent. I watched my grades carefully and gave myself talks when I didn’t perform up to my potential. I carefully considered consequences and often held back for fear of negative outcomes.

I assumed the role of clock-watcher. Drill sergeant. Task master. If you wanted it done, I was your gal.

I took “I can do it myself” to whole new levels.

This was not an assigned role; it was self-appointed. It was my way of feeling like I had some control in my life.

Taking responsibility is a good thing. But I took it too far, assuming other’s burdens as well as my own.

Self-reliance is a positive trait. But I used it as a way to avoid feeling vulnerable.

It was my armor. My shield. My assurance.

And it was never really tested until my divorce.

And that was the first time I couldn’t do it myself.

I had to learn to release control. I had to learn how to accept help.

And I had no choice but to be vulnerable.

It’s wild – I learned self-reliance from my parent’s divorce and how to accept help from my own split.

It’s amazing how often life’s experiences will circle around again, healing old wounds and reteaching lessons. Each parallel event offering wisdom and yet threatening wounds. It can be tempting to desire a life without these difficult episodes, to dream of smooth days and comfortable nights. But I see these events differently. They are what bring meaning and purpose and perspective to our lives. They challenge us and teach us. They shape us.

Bookended tutorials supporting the life in between.

I wonder what lesson will circle around next? I just hope this one doesn’t come with a side of divorce. I’ve had enough of that!:)