The (Mostly) Unfortunate Side Effects of Being Ghosted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being ghosted is the relationship equivalent of the missing persons case. Except in this case, the person chose to go missing. Decided to disappear, leaving you abandoned and doubting.

Being ghosted is heartache seasoned with questions. It’s loss co-mingled with rage. It’s hard to know when to stop hoping and when to start grieving. It’s challenging to put down the mystery before the secret’s revealed and instead pick up the self-help and start to apply its principles.

Before you can move on from being ghosted, you have to understand the impact that it’s had on you. The unfortunate side effects of being ghosted:

Your confidence will take a hit as you question why you were unworthy of a conversation.

You will struggle to take others at their word and you will struggle even more with trusting your own perceptions and conclusions.

Balance between naivety and panic will be hard to find as you try to talk yourself off a ledge while at the same time looking up at the sky for the other shoe to slam into your head.

You may begin to grow towards perfectionism like a plant towards light, some inner voice whispering that you were left because you weren’t good enough.

Prior abandonment, through death, divorce or even adoption will be triggered. And the unwanted child within you will cry at night.

Details become everything. Data points to be combed and connected, looking for clues. And this is not only applied to the ghost, but to any new relationship as well.

The ghosting itself becomes a mystery, a rough stone that tumbles endlessly through your mind as you look for cracks that will reveal what happened. It’s easy to become obsessed with why it happened.

You may be swallowed by depression as the anger and blame is turned inward with no outward target in sight.

Trivial things will grow in importance – the last place you saw the person, the last word, the last embrace. They will grow until they almost overshadow the ghost themselves.

Small disappointments have the ability to become catastrophic as the ghosting has kicked one leg out from under you and it doesn’t take much to make you topple to the floor.

You’ll make sure that you can always be independent at the drop of a hat, financially and otherwise.

You become a screenwriter, crafting narratives around what happened and continuing the threads into an imagined future where you try to figure out where your ex is now.

Emotional walls are constructed in an attempt to keep one safe from others prone to disappearance. Walls that don’t discriminate and keep out the helpers as well as the ghosts.

Numbness sets in, spreading out from your frozen and shattered heart. Some days, it almost seems as though you’re outside yourself.

A fear of discord develops. After all, a disagreement can be a reason to leave.

The rituals of coming and going take on a greater importance. Reassurance that the person will return and celebration when they have.

Certain headlines and news stories catch your eye and you always search for their name.

You may fight an urge to be clingy, wrapped so tightly around someone that they cannot easily shake you off.

You scan crowds looking for signs of your ghost. It’s a bit like a horror movie – you don’t want to look, but you’re compelled to.

You respond irrationally to anything that reminds you of the precursors of the ghosting.

Rage will fill you at the unfairness of it all and you will scream at the injustice of having your voice taken away from you.

Mystery is eventually pushed out by clarity as you start to put together the pieces you were unable or unwilling to see before.

You will begin to see a distinction between you and your ghost, who you are will no longer be defined by what happened to you.

With some time and some distance, relief will begin to permeate. Relief that you’re alive. And even relief that they’re gone.

And at some point, the side effects will be gone as well.

 

For a great piece about the characteristics of ghosters, click here.

And if you want to explore the benefits of being ghosted (no, really), check this out!

The Grandfather Clause In “I Do”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“He drives me so crazy! I want more time with him and yet he only gives me two days a week!”

“Has it always been this way?”

“Well, yes. But I thought he would change after we had been together for awhile.”

—–

“I need her to have more drive. More ambition. She seems to be okay with just staying where she is in life.”

“Has she ever given you any indication that she wanted to work to better her career or herself?”

“Well, no. But I thought she would change her mind at some point.”

—–

We all have traits and habits that can be perceived as negative. We all carry them with us into our relationships and we all have to learn to tolerate them in our partners.

In fact, finding a compatible partner is often more about finding somebody whose negatives you can live with rather than locating all of the positives you desire.

And the time to make that determination is when you are dating.

Because after you are married, they are grandfathered in.

—–

It became apparent early on that Brock had a different toleration level for mess than I do. I distinctly remember our first snow event together. I had my own apartment less than a mile away from his home at that point. My apartment was clean and uncluttered. Almost austere.

For a week, the roads were impassable. I spent most of my days and night with him while hiking through the ice and snow back to my place each afternoon to tend to my cat. And every time I entered my space, I breathed a sigh of release. Not because I was away from Brock, but because I was back in a world of order and arrangement.

I realized that week that I had a decision to make. I knew how Brock lived. And I knew that if I was going to live with him, I would have to make adjustments to my own expectations and approach to home.

He told me who he was.

And I could either accept it or reject it.

And once I made the decision to move forward despite the differences, he was then effectively grandfathered in. It was important for us to learn how to work together to live in harmony (separate bathrooms, my own “safe” space and a cleaner who visits monthly). And it was up to me to work at being accepting of his ways (which I’m usually pretty successful with!).

And it actually turns out that I’m happier living with some mess:) Here’s why!

—–

Most people reveal their negative (from your perspective) traits while you’re dating if you spend enough time together and pay enough attention.

And once you have seen those traits and decided to move forward regardless, it is no longer fair to expect them to change those particular characteristics.

Complaining about irritating traits that have always been present and accounted for is a direct attack on the security of your partner.

It’s changing the rules once the game has already begun.

It’s a bait and switch of acceptance turned into disdain.

When you say “I do,” you’re not only speaking to the characteristics of your spouse that you find endearing, you’re also saying that you accept the rest as well.

—–

Not all behaviors are grandfathered in.

Some begin as mild, so small as to be insignificant in the beginning. And then they grow over time, becoming too big to ignore.

Some may appear for the first time later on in life as a result of experiences, maladaptation or genetics.

Some may have been deliberately hidden from you until it became too late to easily run away. 

And some may be mere annoyances in the beginning but grow into real problems later when children or other responsibilities enter the picture.

Those are the exceptions. And they certainly merit attention.

—–

A grandfather clause is not an excuse for one partner to behave badly. It is a reminder that it is unfair to punish someone for something that was previously communicated to be okay.

And also a good reminder to consider carefully before you leap.

Planning On Being a Stay-At-Home Parent? Make Sure You Consider THIS First!

Posted on by stilllearning2b
stay at home

Brock and I recently finished watching the series Boardwalk Empire, which takes place in the Prohibition-era United States. After watching one heart-breaking scene with a woman and her kids, Brock turned to me.

“It’s so sad how women were trapped in bad marriages or devastated when their husbands left or died back then because of a lack of resources and opportunity.”

“Sadly,” I replied, “It still happens. I hear from women in that very position all the time.”

—–

Circumstances have changed dramatically since the early twentieth century. Staying at home to raise the kids is no longer an assumption, it is generally a carefully made decision. Couples weigh the pros (quality time with the child, no child care costs, more influence on development) against the cons (reduced family income, possibility of isolation or boredom for the parent who stays home, difficulty of re-entering the workforce down the road). It is still usually the female that elects to stay home if that decision is reached, yet increasingly, that role is given to or shared with the man.

The decision to stay home to raise children is an incredibly personal one, with many beliefs and goals entering into the process.

And I am not trying to sway you either way. That choice is entirely yours to make.

I just want you to think about all of the possibilities when you make your decision.

Because I often hear what happens when people don’t.

—–

“I need to get out of this marriage. His drinking is out of control and he’s starting to scare me. I don’t want to raise my kids in this environment. But I don’t have any money and I don’t work. What can I do?”

“My tsunami divorce happened when he sent me an email and then left. The courts ordered that he pay child support, but he’s only made a couple of payments in the last year. I stopped working 10 years ago to raise the kids and I can’t seem to get a job now. What do I do?”

“We always seemed to be okay financially. But then when she died, I learned that there was all kinds of debt I didn’t know about. Since she was the primary bread winner, we decided that I would stay at home when the kids were young. It’s been so long now, my former industry has changed. What should I do?”

I hate reading these questions. I wish I could help them into a time machine and take them back along with the knowledge that they needed to form a contingency plan along with their child care plan.

And I get why people often don’t. You don’t believe that it can happen to you.

—–

I was lucky. Even though I did a lot of things wrong in my marriage (secure in the belief that my husband really meant til death), I had my own career and my own income. My situation was also made significantly easier by the fact that we did not have children. I only had to worry about my own survival, not that of any offspring.

I didn’t follow up enough with the financial conversations that we had to ensure that his words matched the ledgers. I didn’t keep up with the myriad accounts, trusting that he had our best interests in mind. I didn’t have my own money, separate from his reach. I didn’t have an emergency plan for what I could do if the worst came to past. I allowed him access to my preexisting credit card. I didn’t know that he had canceled (or simply neglected to pay) the life insurance policy that let me sleep at night. And I trusted the courts would enforce their ruling that he was to pay me back.

I trusted him to take care of us. Of me. And I neglected to take care of myself.

And those mistakes cost me money.

If I had been a stay-at-home mom who made the same mistakes, the results could have been disastrous and so much larger than just a financial hit.

Because here’s the scary, sad and so-not-fair truth – It can happen to you.

You may find yourself wed (and dependent upon) an abuser. Scared to stay and yet unable to leave.

That same spouse that was so supportive of your staying home may decide that he or she no longer wants to return home.

The perfect parent may suddenly morph into somebody refuses to pay child support.

And through no fault of their own, your husband or wife may be struck down before their time.

And so as much as you hate to , consider those worst cases while you’re making life changes. Your life – and your kids’ lives – may depend upon it.

—–

If you are the partner who will be staying home, consider implementing the following as part of an emergency preparedness plan:

-Build an emergency fund that you have access to. If your spouse also has access, make sure that you periodically check to ensure it’s there. It really doesn’t have to be some great amount. Just enough so that you never feel trapped in that moment because of a lack of funds. This isn’t meant to be a primary savings account or some source of anxiety. Just a small insurance tucked away, hopefully never to be needed.

-Have at least one credit card in your name with a reasonable limit. One problem people often face after staying at home for a period of time is that their credit takes a hit. Use the card at least every few months and then pay it off to keep your credit score high.

-Before you decide to stay home, develop some education or job skills as well as some experience. It’s never easy to return to the working world after a break, but it’s a little easier if you’ve been there before and had something to offer.

-Consider work you can do part-time or from home. Even if the pay is not great, it is something and it keeps you from feeling powerless.

-Maintain connections with people who are in the working world.

-Build and nurture a safety net of friends and family.

-Stay sharp. Enroll in free online courses. Take on freelance gigs that relate to your former career. Keep up with the changes and developments in your industry.

-Have an outline of a “If the sh*t hits the fan plan.” Hopefully the outline grows faded and dusty. But if it’s ever needed, you’ll be so glad you put some thought into it when you could still think rationally.

-Have a pulse on the relationship and the family’s financial standing.

-If divorce is in the picture, don’t assume that alimony or child support will be awarded or promptly paid. Try to put yourself in a position where that money is nice, but not needed.

—–

There are times when you have to be dependent upon somebody else.

And that’s okay.

But never allow yourself to become dependent upon being dependent.

Because that’s a risk that may end up being too big to take.

This is one area where the motto I learned from the residents of a remote – and harsh – Alaskan town applies:

“Prepare for the worst. Expect the best. And live for today.”

Because even though it can happen to you, I hope it never does.

I just want you to be prepared just in case.

So that you are never in a position of asking somebody the unanswerable question, “What can I do now?”

Planning On Being a Stay At Home Parent? Make Sure You Consider THIS First!

Posted on by stilllearning2b
stay at home

Are you thinking of becoming a stay at home parent?

 

Brock and I recently finished watching the series Boardwalk Empire, which takes place in the Prohibition-era United States. After watching one heart-breaking scene with a woman and her kids, Brock turned to me.

“It’s so sad how women were trapped in bad marriages or devastated when their husbands left or died back then because of a lack of resources and opportunity.”

“Sadly,” I replied, “It still happens. I hear from women in that very position all the time.”

—–

Circumstances have changed dramatically since the early twentieth century. Staying at home to raise the kids is no longer an assumption, it is generally a carefully made decision. Couples weigh the pros (quality time with the child, no child care costs, more influence on development) against the cons (reduced family income, possibility of isolation or boredom for the parent who stays home, difficulty of re-entering the workforce down the road). It is still usually the female that elects to stay home if that decision is reached, yet increasingly, that role is given to or shared with the man.

The decision to stay home to raise children is an incredibly personal one, with many beliefs and goals entering into the process.

And I am not trying to sway you either way. That choice is entirely yours to make.

I just want you to think about all of the possibilities when you make your decision.

Because I often hear what happens when people don’t.

—–

“I need to get out of this marriage. His drinking is out of control and he’s starting to scare me. I don’t want to raise my kids in this environment. But I don’t have any money and I don’t work. What can I do?”

“My tsunami divorce happened when he sent me an email and then left. The courts ordered that he pay child support, but he’s only made a couple of payments in the last year. I stopped working 10 years ago to raise the kids and I can’t seem to get a job now. What do I do?”

“We always seemed to be okay financially. But then when she died, I learned that there was all kinds of debt I didn’t know about. Since she was the primary bread winner, we decided that I would stay at home when the kids were young. It’s been so long now, my former industry has changed. What should I do?”

I hate reading these questions. I wish I could help them into a time machine and take them back along with the knowledge that they needed to form a contingency plan along with their child care plan.

And I get why people often don’t. You don’t believe that it can happen to you.

—–

I was lucky. Even though I did a lot of things wrong in my marriage (secure in the belief that my husband really meant til death), I had my own career and my own income. My situation was also made significantly easier by the fact that we did not have children. I only had to worry about my own survival, not that of any offspring.

I didn’t follow up enough with the financial conversations that we had to ensure that his words matched the ledgers. I didn’t keep up with the myriad accounts, trusting that he had our best interests in mind. I didn’t have my own money, separate from his reach. I didn’t have an emergency plan for what I could do if the worst came to past. I allowed him access to my preexisting credit card. I didn’t know that he had canceled (or simply neglected to pay) the life insurance policy that let me sleep at night. And I trusted the courts would enforce their ruling that he was to pay me back.

I trusted him to take care of us. Of me. And I neglected to take care of myself.

And those mistakes cost me money.

If I had been a stay-at-home mom who made the same mistakes, the results could have been disastrous and so much larger than just a financial hit.

Because here’s the scary, sad and so-not-fair truth – It can happen to you.

You may find yourself wed (and dependent upon) an abuser. Scared to stay and yet unable to leave.

That same spouse that was so supportive of your staying home may decide that he or she no longer wants to return home.

The perfect parent may suddenly morph into somebody refuses to pay child support.

And through no fault of their own, your husband or wife may be struck down before their time.

And so as much as you hate to , consider those worst cases while you’re making life changes. Your life – and your kids’ lives – may depend upon it.

—–

If you are the partner who will be staying home, consider implementing the following as part of an emergency preparedness plan:

-Build an emergency fund that you have access to. If your spouse also has access, make sure that you periodically check to ensure it’s there. It really doesn’t have to be some great amount. Just enough so that you never feel trapped in that moment because of a lack of funds. This isn’t meant to be a primary savings account or some source of anxiety. Just a small insurance tucked away, hopefully never to be needed.

-Have at least one credit card in your name with a reasonable limit. One problem people often face after staying at home for a period of time is that their credit takes a hit. Use the card at least every few months and then pay it off to keep your credit score high.

-Before you decide to stay home, develop some education or job skills as well as some experience. It’s never easy to return to the working world after a break, but it’s a little easier if you’ve been there before and had something to offer.

-Consider work you can do part-time or from home. Even if the pay is not great, it is something and it keeps you from feeling powerless.

-Maintain connections with people who are in the working world.

-Build and nurture a safety net of friends and family.

-Stay sharp. Enroll in free online courses. Take on freelance gigs that relate to your former career. Keep up with the changes and developments in your industry.

-Have an outline of a “If the sh*t hits the fan plan.” Hopefully the outline grows faded and dusty. But if it’s ever needed, you’ll be so glad you put some thought into it when you could still think rationally.

-Have a pulse on the relationship and the family’s financial standing.

-If divorce is in the picture, don’t assume that alimony or child support will be awarded or promptly paid. Try to put yourself in a position where that money is nice, but not needed.

—–

There are times when you have to be dependent upon somebody else.

And that’s okay.

But never allow yourself to become dependent upon being dependent.

Because that’s a risk that may end up being too big to take.

This is one area where the motto I learned from the residents of a remote – and harsh – Alaskan town applies:

“Prepare for the worst. Expect the best. And live for today.”

Because even though it can happen to you, I hope it never does.

I just want you to be prepared just in case.

So that you are never in a position of asking somebody the unanswerable question, “What can I do now?”

Phases of Moving On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the most common refrains I hear from people, even years after their divorce, is that they are not yet where they want to be. They offer up reasons – financial, emotional, situational – that they are unable to escape the rapacious quicksand of the past.

And yet when I dig deeper, I find that they are indeed doing many of the right things.

Just not necessarily in the right order.

Because when it comes to moving on after divorce (How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?), you have to learn to stand before you can attempt to run from your past and into your future.

It’s easy to try to skip steps and to believe you are ready to take on the world before it’s time. Goodness knows, I did plenty of that myself. We want so badly to be done with the healing already that we often try to rush things along.

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

And if you try to tackle a phase before you’re ready, you will be left feeling frustrated and hopeless and stuck.

—–

Before you can say with certainty that you’ve moved on, you have to actively engage with building your new life. So much of releasing the hold that divorce, especially unwanted divorce, can have on you is found in securing a sense of purpose and control over your life. And you have to be an active participant in this process.

Be a Hill Climber

Before you can actively build your new life, you have to take responsibility for your well-being and release any residual victim mindset. This step perhaps takes the most amount of courage. You have to be willing to be vulnerable, to see yourself as you are and to fully shoulder the responsibility for your own choices and actions. There is a difference between what happened to you (which you cannot control) and your response (which you can).

Thriving After Divorce: From Victim to Victor

Before you can take responsibility for your well-being, you have to process the marriage, its end and your actions and emotions. If we do not understand the past, we are doomed to repeat it. Life has a sneaky way of presenting us with lessons until we have fully learned them. It’s impossible to process fully while you’re in the midst of something. Now that you’ve gained some distance and perspective, you can begin to break it apart so that you can gain wisdom.

12 Reasons to Journal After Divorce

Before you process the past, you have to shift your focus from your history to your potential. If you spend too much energy focused on the past, you will become a prisoner of the past. You may not be ready to fully move forward, but now is the time to plant the seeds of hope and promise. These are dreams, inoculations from rumination and despair.

Life in Transition

Before you can have hope for the future, you have to fall out of love with your former partner. For some, this is easy as the love has been dying for years. For others, especially those blindsided by a sudden divorce, this is a more difficult and deliberate process.

How to Fall Out of Love

Before you can fall out of love, you have to attend to the practical day-to-day needs. You cannot tend to your emotional wounds until your physical needs have been addressed. This can be daunting, especially if you have been left with no apparent means of income or the burden of debt. Been there. It sucks.

18 Steps to Financial Independence After Divorce

And before you can attend to the practical, you have to accept that the marriage is over. This is where it begins. An acceptance that it’s over. Even if it’s not what you wanted.

Finding Happiness After An Unwanted Divorce