Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
smart people dumb love

I’ve always considered myself a smart person. And so, when I was confronted with the harsh reality of how stupid I was in my first marriage, it was a tough reality to accept.

How could I be SO dumb when it comes to love?

1 – Smart People Are Still Subject to the Addictive Nature of Love

No matter how smart you are, you are still impacted by your biology. And our biology has evolved to encourage us to form strong social bonds and to procreate. Oxytocin and serotonin help to create the feeling of love and encourage us to stay close.

But those aren’t the dangerous one.

That moniker goes to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives us a little jolt of pleasure whenever it is stimulated. And the best way to stimulate is through intermittent rewards.

Dopamine is present in high amounts at the beginning of a relationship when you cannot stop thinking about the other person. It’s the first, heady rush of the drug in your system. And it can easily become the dragon you keep chasing.

Manipulative people are masters at controlling the dopamine response in their partners. These are the abusers that follow their assault with copious amounts of affection and attention. Or, the ones who ignore your bids for attention and then randomly provide you with the love hit that you crave. They control you as surely as researchers doling out treats to the rats in the cage.

Much like any addict, when you’re under the influence of love, you can do some irrational and dumb things while seeking out the next high. And like any addict, it’s difficult to see the addiction while you’re still under its spell.

2 – Smart People Set Goals for Themselves and Are Used to Achieving Them

Smart people are used to dictating their lives. When they set goals of getting married by a certain age, they fully intend for that to happen. The problem arises when the goal of marriage becomes the sole focal point and the nature of the specific relationship is viewed as secondary.

In school, there is a direct correlation between the hours of study and score on the exam. At work, more effort leads to better results. When it comes to fitness, more hours at the gym results in a more favorable outcome. Yet in love, the corollary between energy and results is much more nebulous because no matter how much we try, we cannot control the behaviors of others.

You can set all the goals you want for your relationship. But if your partner does not share those goals or refuses to put forth the effort to reach them, those goals become moot. This is a difficult truth for smart people, especially when they see the potential within their partner. The question then becomes, are you in love with the person or with their potential?

3 – Smart People Have High Expectations of Themselves and Assume the Same of Others

Smart people are experts at reflection and course correction. They have high expectations of themselves and are often on a lifelong journey of self-improvement. They naturally assume that everyone else is capable of self-reflection and can articulate what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. 

There are people who go through life taking advantage of those who see the best in others. People who do not hesitate to operate behind the veil of optimism and good graces. It’s almost impossible for those victimized by this behavior to understand it because it is so far removed from their very nature.

4 – Smart People Adapt to Their Environments

When you put sane people into an insane environment for any length of time, they will begin to adapt in order to survive. The analogy of slowly turning up the heat in order to boil the frog is apt here; even as the situation becomes dire, there is a constant recalibration of “normal.”

Smart people are good as assessing a situation and responding in a way that is advantageous for survival. Often, this is a desirable response. But when the response means that you have to continually bite your tongue or hide your true nature, the reactions have become maladaptive.

When the situation is toxic, it may be better to escape rather than to continually acclimate. After all, even if the water no longer feels hot, it can still scald.

5 – Smart People Often Trust Their Brains More Than Their Guts

When you’re smart, you learn to trust in your perceptions and your conclusions. You become adept at analyzing a situation and assembling evidence to support your case. This trait, useful in most areas, can be dangerous when it comes to love.

First of all, we want to believe that we made a sound decision when we selected our partner. So we’re reticent to admit to any signs that perhaps we made a mistake. Additionally, we fear losing love and ending up alone. So we create complicated narratives that excuse red flags in order to avoid facing that painful experience.

Smart people often dismiss their gut feelings, viewing intuition as a lesser skill than reasoning and believing only in things that can be proven through factual evidence.

Even when we can’t prove them, our gut feelings are important. They often operate like the sensors placed to recognize even the slightest increase in seismic activity. The disturbances are so slight that they operate below the level of conscious awareness, yet the gut can still tell that “something” is off.

6 – Smart People Fall Into the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” Because They Don’t Like to Quit

Once you have invested years into a relationship, it’s easy to use the time spent as justification for spending more time and energy. Sometimes, this inclination is advantageous. But if the demise of the relationship is inevitable, it’s simply throwing good money after bad in a desperate attempt to keep from admitting defeat.

Smart people have learned that success comes from effort and perseverance. They may struggle to understand the distinction between quitting (born from fear or frustration) and letting go (which arises from courage and acceptance). As a result, they will often do – and try – anything to keep from giving up. Even if it means giving up on themselves.

There is a silver lining to all of this…

Smart people learn from their mistakes. They understand how to break down a situation and reflect upon its merits and detriments. Smart people don’t shy away from responsibility or hard work. They see the correlation between effort and outcome and know that anything worthwhile isn’t easy to obtain.

Smart people can learn how to become smart in love.

IMG_3594

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s one of the most common questions we all share.

And one of the hardest to answer.

“Am I doing the right thing?”

This query may be about a parenting decision, a choice at work or about the status of a relationship. It can be a major life decision, a switch that changes the entire track of your life. Or, it may be a passing matter of minor importance.

The question seeks reassurance, a guarantee of sorts that if a particular path is chosen and the steps are taken, the desired outcome will eventually be reached.

But of course, life offers us no such promises, provides no warranties. Instead, we are tasked with trying to make the best decisions possible with limited resources and incomplete information.

So how in the real world do you know if you’re doing the right thing?

It Just Feels Right

When you’re doing the right thing, it will resonate with you. The right thing is not something that brings forth feelings of shame or guilt. Pay attention if you experience feelings that you need to hide your actions; that’s a sure sign that something isn’t right. The right thing may click into place suddenly or it may grow slowly until you experience more certainty. Either way, your intuition will tell you when you’re doing the right thing.

Yet the right thing is not a perfect choice. A singular selection that makes everything better. At some point, you have to release the notion of perfect and simply do the best you can.

It’s Not Coming From a Place of Fear or Anger

Sometimes fear tells us that something is right in an effort to avoid confrontation or discomfort. Similarly, anger can maintain a convincing argument for a particular course of action by creating a sense that you are responsible for doling out punishments. But the right thing comes from a quiet and sure mind. The right thing may call for consequence, but it does not come from a place of vengeance. The right thing may require distance, but it is because of a fear of approach.

Do not expect appreciation or even understanding from others even when you’re doing the right thing. If they have become accustomed to your enabling, they will certainly rebel. If you’re refusing to shield someone from consequence, they will place blame. Just as the response does not make something wrong, it also cannot alone tell you that it’s right.

It is in Alignment With Your Purpose and Goals

Something can be good and still not be the right thing for you if it does not match up with your bigger picture. Be honest with yourself and stay true to your goals. Make sure that your actions align with your intentions.

Let go of any expectation for immediate change. The right thing can take time. And even then, what you hope for may never happen. Trust in the process and release the result.

It is Reality-Based and Accepts Your Locus of Control

The right thing is rooted in reality, anchored firmly in the soil and accepting of its limited reach. The right thing is limited to what you can control and is accepting of that responsibility.

The right thing is not helping someone so much that they can no longer help themselves. The right thing is not seeking to change another or asserting that you know what is right for somebody else. The right thing is not wishful thinking, coming from a place of make believe and blind hope.

The right thing may not be easy. You may find that others prefer to live in a land of fantasy. Doing the right thing can be lonely, isolating.

Yet it’s also empowering. Because when you are doing the right thing, you have nothing to hide. From others. And especially from yourself.

 

Can’t Please Everybody

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The news that my school district will be closed for its fourth snow/ice day rolled in a couple of hours ago. Throughout the past couple weeks, as questionable weather has dominated, I’ve been keeping a close eye on the district’s Facebook page for information.

The updates have been pleasant and helpful.

The comments?

Not so much.

Today, parents are complaining that they weren’t given enough notice.

Last Friday, they complained that we were in school.

Last Thursday, they complained that school was cancelled.

I feel sorry for the system. No matter what decision they make and when they make it, they face criticism.

Because you can’t please everybody.

There’s a lesson in there for me. By my nature, I want to make people happy. I have a tendency to tiptoe around too much so that I’m not an imposition. I try to make decisions that make sense based on the information and that also make others satisfied. And, even though I’m making progress, I can still take criticism too personally.

Yet I doubt the school superintendent is reading these comments and questioning his decision. I can’t imagine he is losing sleep over the complaints that the school district is unable to control the weather. And the thought of him trying to please everybody in a large district is just laughable.

In fact, from my neutral, third-party perspective, it’s obvious that the dissent is simply coming out of frustration and/or fear.

It really has nothing to do with the school system at all.

And isn’t that usually the case?

Responses say more about the responder than the respondee.

And you can’t please everybody.

As for me, I’m just happy I don’t have to navigate any icy roads and I’m enjoying our first snow day with actual snow.

Turning Points

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Two high school girls came into my last period class on Friday to talk with my 8th graders about the decisions they would soon be facing about their high school classes and clubs. One of my students bravely said to me in front of a small group, “I’m nervous. I mean these are the first decisions that I am going to make that will impact the rest of my life. I’m going to look back on this as a turning point.” The others nodded in agreement.

And in many ways, she’s right. At 14, most of the major decisions impacting her life have been carried out by her parents. Over the next few years, her parents will have less influence on her life and she will begin to take the reins and the responsibility. And it’s a big responsibility.

At 14, she probably still believes that life is linear, that one decision once set in motion, will inevitably lead to the next logical step. She may not yet have learned that life has a way of inserting itself (sometimes rudely) into our plans. And that often those turning points sneak up on us when we’re busy blindly carrying out our life blueprint.

Those critical and conscious decisions we make certainly influence our lives: school, marriage, career, children. But the way that we respond to the setbacks and challenges often carries even more weight. Turning points are not only found in major course corrections; they live in how you approach every moment.

And as long as you keep learning and growing, no turning point is ever wasted.

photo-1

You’re Not Flipping the Switch, You’re Turning the Dial

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often believe that decisions in our lives are decisive, one choice made over another as resolutely as flipping a switch.

We’re often wrong.

Most decisions in our lives are made like the slow turn of a dial as we move incrementally towards some conclusion.

We slide into decisions carried on the back of inertia, following the path of least resistance and the road of slightest effort.

We creep into these courses of action and then retroactively rewrite our memories to justify our decisions-that-weren’t-really-decisions.

It happens at the beginning of relationships when it is easier to say yes to another date than to break it off. It occurs later on, when getting married is the next logical step and an “I do” is less effort than starting over. We may have kids through inertia, stay in careers through inaction and even turn the dial towards “divorce” without being aware of where the path may lead.

The changes are incremental. So small, they aren’t even noticed at the time like the heat slowly rising until the lobster is cooked without ever realizing he was in danger.

Be aware of areas where you are turning the dial. Be alert to your justifications applied after the fact. Make sure you are where you want to be, not just where you ended up.

Choose to flip the switch and turn your life on.