8 Surefire Ways to Drive Yourself Crazy Trying to Get Someone to Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems so clear – if they would just change in that one small (or not-so-small) way, everything would be better. You’ve tried one tactic after another, convinced that the right strategy will be the key to unlocking their potential.

Yet each attempt falls flat.

We all do this to some extent, focusing on how somebody else could mold just a little better to our needs. And in the context of a relationship, it’s appropriate to communicate your needs and to ask your partner to try to meet them. Yet, we don’t always go about this in the most productive way.

The following are common strategies that we use to try to change others that often backfire:

1 – Wanting Them to Change

It’s amazing how easy it is to tell ourselves stories about other people’s desires and motivations. We can so easily confuse our desire for them to change with an interest in their part on engaging in transformation.

 

2 – Loving Them Harder

This is one you see so often with addicts as their loved ones try to give them everything in an attempt to out-love their compulsions. Yet even though love provides the security to anchor oneself in order to grow, love on its own does not create growth.

 

3 – Making Yourself Smaller

When the other person’s personality is strong or they have a tendency to respond in anger, it can be tempting to shrink in order to avoid prompting outrage. Yet no matter how carefully you tiptoe on those eggshells, you cannot prevent their reactions.

 

4 – Begging

Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time (or ten times). Or perhaps, they didn’t understand that this is important. What feels like reminding on your side can easily feel like nagging on theirs. And nobody responds well to that.

 

5 – Giving an Ultimatum

There’s an important distinction to be made here between ultimatums and boundaries. An ultimatum says, “If you don’t do x, I will do y.” An ultimatum is a threat to the other person.

In contrast, a boundary says, “x is important to me. Do you think you can help make that happen?” And then if the boundary is crossed, “x is important to me. I need to do y to protect that.” A boundary is keeping a promise to yourself.

 

6 – Comparing Them to Others

Comparison rarely inspires growth. Instead, it breeds insecurity and contempt. In order to change, a person needs to first feel accepted and safe. Comparison is the enemy of that.

 

7 – Shaming Them

Shame often has the opposite effect of what is intended. The teenager who is shamed by her parents for her excess weight sneaks extra snacks at school with an, “I’ll show them” attitude. Shame leads to the digging in of heels and secrecy, neither of which are good for any relationship.

 

8 – Tell Them They’re Wrong

Their view or approach is different than yours. That doesn’t automatically mean that it is wrong. An overly dismissive approach leads to a situation with a “winner” and a “loser.” Change happens when it’s approached as a problem for both to solve.

The Nature of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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“Why can’t you fly?” the caterpillar’s partner screams at them. The caterpillar is confused. After all, their partner knew they couldn’t fly from the very beginning of the relationship.

“Did you see Kelly’s wings? They’re so strong and beautiful. I wish you had wings like that,” the partner mentions to the caterpillar. The caterpillar curls into itself, feeling ashamed for what it lacks.

“I bought this for you,” the caterpillar’s partner says in a hopeful voice, presenting a self-help book on metamorphosis. “I’ll be sure to read this,” the caterpillar responds, while inwardly grumbling that they have no interest or need in the book.

“I just don’t get it,” the caterpillar’s partner whines to the couple’s therapist. “Everything would be fine with us if they would just get wings.” The caterpillar begins to grow resentful and feel unappreciated.

“I know you want me to fly,” the caterpillar says softly to their partner. “I’m trying. I really am.” The partner responds, “If you loved me, you would fly.” The caterpillar begins to wonder if they do love their partner. Maybe that’s the problem.

In the dark hours of the night, the caterpillar is thinking, “I’m not good enough for them; they don’t love me as I am.” Down the hall, the partner writes in their journal, “I’m not good enough; they won’t change for me.”

One day, the caterpillar makes a difficult decision. “I’m leaving,” they tell their partner. “I’m not what you want me to be and I believe you’ll be happier without me.”

At some point later, the partner comes across a picture of their ex. “Why couldn’t they change for me,” they lament. “I must not be lovable.” All because the caterpillar wasn’t able to change until they were ready.

 

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When Your Head Knows… But Your Heart Doesn’t

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you staying with the status quo because it is right… or because it is comfortable? Change is hard and so we often try to talk ourselves out of it, even when we know it’s the right thing to do.

 

Signs It’s Time to Make a Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Change is hard.

And so, like with many things that are hard, we often do our best to avoid it.

Sometimes, we are left with no choice. After all, when the house is on fire, there’s nothing to do but run out out the door.

But instead, if that house is just a little too confining or the wrong layout or misplaced for our needs, we’ll engage in all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid making a change.

And of course, this doesn’t just apply to homes. It’s true when it comes to careers, to appearances, to habits and to relationships. When we’re not quite content, but there is a lack of an urgent need to change course, we’re in a state of limbo.

 

“I’m fine where I am,” you say.

“I don’t feel at peace with myself,” you think.

“I’ve been doing this for years, why change now?” you say.

“If I don’t make a change now, I never will,” you think.

“At least this is a known entity. The alternatives could be worse,” you say.

“But I won’t know unless I try,” you think.

“I could fail,” you say.

“I am stagnating,” you think.

There are no clear and consistent signs that deciding to make a change is the right choice.

Yet there are four indications that the challenge of change is preferable to the temporary comfort of staying put:

 

There Are No More Variables Left to Change in the Current Situation

I am going to continue with the house analogy here, because it make this easy to understand. If you’re unhappy with your home, it makes sense to first paint the walls and install a new area rug. If that doesn’t improve your feelings towards the house, maybe next you invest in a more substantial remodel. Yet at some point, if you’ve addressed all of the logical variables that can be modified and you’re still not satisfied, it’s time to move on.

 

Staying With the Status Quo Has Begun to Feel Like a Grind

There are always times in life when we have to put our heads down and simply push through to get through. Yet all of life shouldn’t feel like mile 60 in a 100-mile race. We are creatures of inertia; we’re very good at doing what we’ve done and less skilled at changing direction. Yet maybe that is exactly what needs to happen if the groove carved by trudging the same path feels like you’re digging your own grave.

 

You Approach the Thought of Change With Both Excitement and Fear

Not only is change hard, it is scary. It requires a leap of faith as you leave behind the implied security of the known terrain. It asks you to meet new challenges before you’ve proven yourself. Yet at the same time, change can be exciting, as all new and interesting things are. When fear and excitement are playing a fairly-matched game of tug-of-war in your mind, it’s a solid indication that you’re going the right way.

 

There is a Feeling of Lightness When You Make a Move Towards Change

When we’re in the wrong situation, it weighs on us. Pulls us down. If you make a decision towards change and feel relief (even if you’re still having doubts), that’s quite telling.

 

Change may be hard, but that’s no reason to avoid it.

After all, everything worthwhile in life takes effort.

Make sure your efforts are aligned with your goals.

Self-Doubt During Times of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I spent some time this morning journaling about self-doubt. And since this is a common reaction during periods of change and divorce certainly qualifies as a major life renovation, I decided to share my thoughts with you –

  • Self-doubt is a normal, natural and expected part of any transition.
  • It is temporary and it’s worst at the beginning when there is more planning/expectation and less progress/action.
  • Be careful not to feed your self-doubt. I have noticed that mine is fed through certain Facebook groups, information that feels overwhelming and conversations with people that either dismiss or amplify my anxieties (it feels best when people both hear my fear and also express their belief in me). I need to consciously limit my exposure to these, especially when I’m feeling more doubt.
  • Fears WILL change over time. What seems the scariest right now will become less intimidating and then new fears will emerge. Again, normal.
  • Hard is not impossible. We teach this to kids all the time. We may be older and more set in our ways, but the concept still applies. Besides, anything worthwhile in life takes effort.
  • What real evidence do you have to support your self-doubt? Probably less than you initially think.
  • What other times did you experience self-doubt? How long did it last? What did you do right to get through it? How do you feel about that scenario now? I reflected back on when I first started teaching (which was terrifying). The self-doubt built as I finished my degree and I went through the first few months of teaching feeling like an imposter. I did quite a bit right – I had mentors, I listened to lots of advice (and generally tried it to see if it fit before deciding if I should keep or discard it), I gathered an abundance of information, I made connections and I kept going. Now, teaching is automatic and I feel extremely confident in any related environment.
  • Take it slowly. It’s an elephant. Don’t choke.
  • Seriously, take it one day at a time.
  • After all, it’s not like you have a choice in that.
  • Unless you can go into suspended animation and awake only when the transition is over??? (If anyone knows how to do this, please message me.)
  • List your skills and strengths that are going to help you through this. And no, self-doubt is not a strength.
  • Confidence building will be important critical. What makes you feel confident? For me, I need a combination of things that get me out of my head (exercise, I’m looking at you!), things I’m good at and things that make me feel more secure.
  • Unplug. Take a break. Step away. Pushing all the time doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you tired.
  • This is exciting!!! No, really. That feeling in your stomach? That’s enthusiasm, not dread. You have an opportunity to learn, to grow, to challenge assumptions. You are entering a new world. It’s time to explore.
  • It’s an adventure. Be curious about what might lie around the next corner.
  • Self-doubt is not a stop sign. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s only a sign that you’re doing something different.
  • Big rewards only come from risk.
  • Besides, things change no matter what. Isn’t it nice when you at least get to have some say in them?
  • You got this.
  • No, really. You do.
  • Your self-doubt is kind of like that bitchy girl back in middle school who puts everyone else down because deep inside, she’s really insecure. Your self-doubt is speaking from its own fears, not your limitations.
  • One day, you will feel comfortable and confident about this and wonder why you were so silly with all this angst.
  • You. Got. This. (and I do too)