A Tale of Two Marriages

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.

That number has some meat to it. It feels substantial. Like we’re past the appetizer and into the main meal.

For some reason, I’ve been particularly reflective this year, looking at this marriage and my first one from the perspective of today.

I don’t remember my 6th anniversary in my first marriage. But that’s not surprising. Not only did we not make a big deal out anniversaries, but both time and trauma have significantly dulled my memories of much of the sixteen years I was with him.

Even without specific memories or knowledge, I suspect that he started living a double life in earnest around our 6th anniversary. It was around that time that he was laid off from his latest job and he decided to go solo. And as I learned later, the company that he started never was profitable. Of course, he worked hard to hide that from me at the time and shared extensive details about projects that he was working on. Projects that I don’t think ever existed.

I can’t help but contrast that with my now-husband. He’s had a couple down years at work due to certain accounts. And I’ve known about it every step of the way. He’s been frustrated about the cuts, but instead of hiding the finances, he’s strategized and worked harder. All while being open with me about what has been happening.

From my perspective at the time, my first marriage was good. If I was to graph its happiness and our connection over time, it would be a horizontal line with only the most minor of deviations. The marriage was steady and we were consistent.

My marriage now is different. When I look back over our 9+ years together, it’s been a positive trajectory. We’re closer now than we were when we married. There’s more intimacy. Better teamwork and communication. More awareness of our own triggers and baggage, which we’ve both made major strides on addressing.

There’s been some hard times, but ultimately, we have both grown as individuals (with the support and encouragement of the other) and the marriage has grown as well.

In my first marriage, we never talked about the marriage. It just was. Something as certain and inevitable as the sunrise.

In contrast, my now-husband and I talk about our marriage quite a bit. What’s working. What’s not. What we appreciate and what we observe. It’s not something we take for granted; it’s something that we make an effort to nurture and grow every single day.

I used to worry that I would never have love like my first husband again. What I couldn’t have imagined was that I would find better. Realer. This love is more challenging and also so much more rewarding. And I would trade this for anything.

 

 

Reaching a Milestone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Ten years ago today, I awoke excited for the day and for my life. By the time the sun set that night, life as I knew it was gone. 

Those “turn-on-a-dime” moments become so significant after they occur, cleaving our lives into “before” and “after” and leaving us permanently changed. That single day or single moment carries the weight of an entire era, as though that terrible thing didn’t exist prior to that moment of discovery.

At first, that day is heavy. A dreaded anniversary that marks the end of innocence and the beginning of grief. As it approaches, it pulls the memories along with it, threatening to overwhelm once again.

During my first few travels through July 11 after that terrible day, I again inhabited my body on the floor after receiving the text that changed everything. Sharp pains would travel along my ribs, tracing the lines where the wracking sobs violently tore tender muscle. I felt that sudden emptiness, like an unexpected drop on some horrifying carnival ride. Fear would again twist my gut, resolutely wringing out any sense of hope.

That day was a wormhole, providing a direct connection between past and present.

Over time, as the “after” begins to grow, that moment slowly loses some of its weight as the memories gain to lose their tenacious grip. It’s a day of significance but no longer a day to fear or dread.

And then eventually, that day becomes one of celebration. Not for what was lost, but for what has been overcome. It becomes a day that marks progress.

And that’s where I am today, ten years from the day that changed everything. I remember that broken woman keening on the cold, hard floor, but I no longer am that woman. Instead, I am the woman that learned to walk again and stubbornly built a new life from those ruins.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

The first one was hard.

It was our tenth anniversary.

The marriage was final.

But the divorce wasn’t.

I strategically scheduled a doctor’s appointment that morning so that I would have a valid excuse for not going into work that day. I suspected the tears were going to fall hard and fast throughout much of the day.

I was right.

I spent most of the hours curled on the loaned flannel sheets on my borrowed bed in the friend’s home that was my temporary sanctuary until I could function alone. The sobs came in waves, wracking my body as I tried to integrate the expectations I’d had for celebrating ten years of marriage with the reality that the marriage I loved had been a lie.

I tried to read, but my mind kept skidding off the page and landing on tortuous slideshow of memories. I tried to write, but those same thoughts that were so tenacious in my mind bottled up as soon as I picked up a pen. I tried to medicate myself into slumber, but my body fought to stay awake through the ceaseless hours.

At one point, I had the humorous, yet comforting, thought that because the marriage legally made it to ten years, I was eligible for his social security benefits if he were to die. But a payout from his untimely demise wasn’t what I really wanted.

What I wanted was for the whole thing to be a nightmare that I could still wake up from. What I wanted was an anniversary that was still a celebration rather than a memorial service.

Anniversaries after divorce are like a rotted section on a suspension bridge. We see them coming and dread the approach. We have to cross them in order to keep moving on. And if we don’t prepare, we can find ourselves injured or even risk a fall through the splintered memories. And like the confidence and pride that comes from successfully navigating tricky terrain, making it through an anniversary is a triumph.

Are you dreading an upcoming anniversary? If so, a little planning can go a long way to making the day as painless as possible.

Before the Anniversary

Celebrate Your Victories Thus Far (No Matter How Small)

On an anniversary after divorce, it’s easy to get down on yourself. You think about where you’re “supposed” to be in life and instead, you find yourself back at the beginning. Only this time older and more wrinkled. So before you’re swept away by the sadness of the upcoming day, take a few minutes to write down all that you’ve accomplished since the divorce (or separation). Don’t worry how small those victories may seem. They are your first steps. And don’t we always celebrate those for babies?

Physically Exhaust Yourself

You know that feeling you have after you’ve been on a long walk? That space where you’re drained of energy and filled with contentment and a sense of accomplishment? Find a way to get there the day before the big day. You’re draining anxious energy and allowing the body’s neurotransmitters to help uplift negative thoughts. Go into the day with a quiet body and let it educate the mind.

Put Your Support System On Alert

I don’t suggest a Facebook post about the looming date; not everybody needs to know. But I do recommend alerting those closest to you. It will help them be more understanding with you if you’re a little “off” and it will put them on notice that they may be called to be a shoulder to cry on.

The Day of the Anniversary

Plan An Undemanding Day

 Maybe you take a page from my playbook and schedule a “sick day.” Or maybe you have the grandparents watch the kids for the evening. Try to avoid too many mentally taxing tasks or high-pressure situations. If you do better alone, find a way to work that in. If being alone scares you, plan how to be with people. Work within your constraints and do what you can to make the day a little easier.

Stay Off Social Media

The last thing you want today is to stumble across somebody’s post about their new engagement or see a picture of a couple on their tropical getaway. And while you’re at it, you may be better off if you just avoid any media that you cannot control. After all, Netflix won’t suddenly bludgeon you with with a saccharine ad for diamond jewelry.

Embrace the Suck

 My initial reaction as my own first anniversary approached was to try to find a way to distract myself away from reality. But as I racked my brain for options, I realized that even a bottle of wine, a new Stephen King novel and a date to Cirque du Soleil with Brad Pitt wouldn’t be enough to keep my mind off my ex. On this day, simply embrace the suck. Remember that rotten patch on the suspension bridge? You just have to go through it.

Start a New Ritual (And a New Count)

Your brain is programmed to perform a count on this day. And rather than allow it to follow the easy path of continuing the would-be years of marriage for evermore, start a new count with a ritual all your own. For me, I don’t have a single event but since my divorce spurred my writing, I take that day to reflect upon my writing experiences. It feels much better to say, “I’ve been writing and sharing my story for 7 years” rather than, “This would have been my 17thanniversary.”

After the Anniversary

Shake It Off

There’s a good chance you woke up with an emotional hangover today. One of the best ways to treat this is to move. Shake it off. Let it go. Today is a new day.

Do Something That Makes You Feel Good

I am a huge proponent of what I call “scheduled smiles,” events on the calendar that you can look forward to. I recommend that there always be at least three of these on your upcoming schedule at any time. Make sure one of them is for the day after. It can as small as a pedicure or as grand as a cruise. The event matters less than the anticipation and the reminder that the tide always turns.

Celebrate With This Thought

You will neverhave to go through that again. Yes, you will have another anniversary next year. But guess what? It will be a little easier. Because you’ve successfully traversed those rotted boards before and now you bring experience and perspective.  Be proud of your progress and celebrate your triumph. You’ve made it!

Wondering when you will feel better? Here was my timeline for healing after divorce. 

Marking the Occasion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been quite the month for marking significant events.

Marking the End

My stepfather’s mother passed away last spring and her memorial was earlier this month. It was a sad death, as loss always is, but not a tragic one. She lived a long and meaningful life and this gathering was a wonderful time to both celebrate her memory and to create connections among those who knew her.

It was a beautiful service, anchored by a slideshow that told the story of her long life and of her legacy. Carefully curated songs spoke both of her passion for the arts and of her love of beauty. It was again confirmed that I am physically incapable of hearing Amazing Grace without tearing up.

Young children were present at the memorial, a poignant reminder that life goes on. That endings are always followed by beginnings. And, as stories and pictures were passed down to the younger generations,  that the past leaves an imprint going forward.

 

Marking the Transition

Over a decade ago, my husband met a young kid in the dojo. He was first a karate student who then took up jiu jitsu as soon as he was deemed old enough. This boy grew up in the dojo, eventually becoming a young man who earned the respect of his elders both on and off the mat.

He leaves today for adulthood, trading in his childhood home for an immersive language program overseas. We gathered last weekend – his biological family and his martial arts one – to celebrate his accomplishments and to say goodbye for now.

His parents were proud of their son, who is an amazing kid. They were excited about reclaiming their space, as it’s not easy to live with a young adult who is busting at the seams. And they were sad, feeling the loss of the presence of their only child as he begins his independent life. It was a reminder that all changes have both blessings and struggles and that transition, even when it’s expected and positive, can be hard.

 

Marking a Milestone

This month also marks my fifth wedding anniversary. This one feels especially significant to me. First, it’s now half the length of my first marriage. That somehow holds weight to me. It’s no longer “new.” It’s solid and real.

It’s also been our best year together. We’ve really worked hard at learning and growing and having the difficult conversations. I feel like we’ve navigated some rocky roads and grown closer and more understanding through the process.

In my first marriage, we never marked anniversaries. In this marriage, we do. This weekend, we will again spend a night – for the fourth time – in a swanky hotel downtown. A shared evening without distractions to celebrate us. It’s a reminder that relationships are important and need both attention and intention to thrive.

 

8 Years Ago Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b
8 years ago today

There’s something about the tangible signs of the passage of time that makes it all the more real.

I had a precious visit with my dear friend and her daughter last Sunday. This was the friend who took me in during that awful year between the tsunami and the legal cessation of the marriage. And she welcomed her daughter into her home only months before she also welcomed me in.

Her first birthday corresponded with my court date. And when I saw her, now nine and quickly catching up with me on height, I remembered that Sunday was the anniversary of my divorce.

I took a moment, took her in, and reflected on all of the growth we have both experienced these past eight years…

 

Eight years ago today, I awoke afraid of seeing the man who had abandoned me eight months before. And when he passed me in the courthouse hall, I didn’t even recognize him.

Eight years ago today, I was ready for the divorce I never wanted from the man I thought I knew.

Eight years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with. A man I once considered my best friend. We never made eye contact.

Eight years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none. After sixteen years, he was truly a stranger to me.

Eight years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine. Hoping that the judge saw through his lies and would not fall sway to him charms. She didn’t, even asking my husband’s attorney if he was “psycho.” The lawyer could only shrug.

Eight years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that it was all over. It was a relief and yet the finality was jarring.

Eight years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden. I believed I couldn’t begin to heal until his malignancy had been removed.

Eight years ago today, I laughed when I learned he hadn’t paid his attorney. I had warned the man my husband was a con. Maybe he believed me now.

Eight years ago today, I held tightly to that decree, still believing that its declarations had power. I felt relief that he would have to pay back some of what he stole from the marriage. The relief was short lived.

Eight years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman. Steps I never expected to take. The first few were shaky. But I soon started to find my stride.

Eight years ago today, I sat around a restaurant table with friends and my mother. A table that had held my husband and I countless times over our marriage. We celebrated the end of the marriage that night. I had celebrated my anniversary there the year before.

Eight years ago today, I read my husband’s other wife’s blog for the last time, curious if she would mention anything about the court date. She did not. I erased the URL from my history. It no longer mattered.

Eight years ago today, I sealed the piles of paperwork from the divorce and the criminal proceedings into a large plastic tub. As the lid clicked in place, I felt like I was securing all of that anguish in my past.

Eight years ago today, I started to wean myself off of the medication that allowed me to sleep and eat through the ordeal. I was thankful it had been there, but I no longer wanted the help.

Eight years ago today, I fell asleep dreaming of hope for the future rather than experiencing nightmares of the past.

And now, eight years on, I could not be happier with where I am.

Not because of the divorce.

But because losing everything made me thankful for everything.

Because being blind made me learn how to see.

Because being vulnerable created new friendships and bonds.

Because being destroyed made me defiantly want to succeed.

And because losing love made me determined to find it again.

I am happier than I’ve ever been.

And I could not be where I am without eight years ago today.