S**t Where You Eat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My cat is displeased.

Perhaps it’s the stress of the move. Or something she does not quite like about the new home. Or the new litter box is the wrong shade of blue. Or maybe she has also developed a basement phobia.

Regardless of the reason, she is not happy and she is letting me know.

First, by using my gym bag as her litter box.

And then the dog bed in my office.

And finally, my office floor.

And now I am displeased.

I have relocated her food from the main floor down to the basement/garage level, where it now sits near her litter box. I figure that the litter box may not be enough to draw her through the kitty door and down the stairs, but I’m betting that her food is. I’m going against conventional wisdom; I want her to s**t where she eats.

And, as I was carrying her food down the stairs, I realized that I use the same strategy in my own life.

Ewww, no I do NOT store my food in the bathroom. That would be unsanitary. Besides, I can restrain myself from using the bathroom on my office floor. I’m civilized like that.

But I do link together things that I do not want to do (my s**ts, I guess you could say) with the things I do like (my kibble, perhaps). Much like I am trying to train the cat (my goodness, dogs are so much easier in this regard!), I train myself to see the link as inevitable. If I want my kibble, I have to endure the s**t.

Today, I listened to music (kibble) while grading papers (I’ll let you guess). I enjoyed coffee (kibble) while paying bills (extra s**tty). Along the same lines, I withhold my favorite socks to wear only on long runs, I save my favorite shower gel as a reward after the gym and I enter a new item on my gratitude list every time I make a payment on the debt from my ex. None of these erase the discomfort of having to endure things I do not want to do. But they certainly make it more pleasant.

S**t is part of life. But that doesn’t mean that it has to stink.

And as for the cat, I’ll give her another week. And then her bed moves down there too.

Inside Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made the mistake in my prior marriage of attributing too much to outside factors.

(Side note: I think our words of choice are quite telling. I’ve gone from saying “my marriage” to “my first marriage” or “my prior marriage.” without any thought. Interesting. On a side side note, only 2 1/2 weeks until the wedding!)

And there were plenty of external factors to blame in the final year of my marriage. On my side, I was dealing with a horrific work environment and working long additional hours doing math tutoring. It was easy to understand why I was stressed and burned out; I allowed myself no time to relax. On my ex’s side, he was facing a scary health crisis, uncontrolled hypertension, that was defying an underlying diagnosis and treatment. He had experienced several episodes of losing consciousness and frequently felt ill.

When he seemed “off,” I blamed it on his fear and his illness.

When I seemed anxious, I blamed it on my borderline-abusive situation at work and the associated stress.

It made sense that he would be scared of his medical condition and what it might mean. It made sense that I would be carrying stress about work.

But those were merely scapegoats for the trouble within. I believe his illness was caused by the tension of maintaining the facade he created. I think I wouldn’t allow myself to relax because some part of me was scared of what I would see if I did.

The problems were inside of each of us but it was so much easier to point fingers at the outside.

But that’s not to say that the outside not impact what happens in a marriage. After all, no relationship occurs in a vacuum. I’ve been reminded of this recently (luckily in a good way!) with Brock.

When we first moved in together, I joined him in his town home. There was some stress involved. First, I was the new one in his established space – never an easy transition. Additionally, the place was on the market and so we knew that our time there was limited. The next house, the rental we just left, allowed us to jointly establish space, yet the general disrepair of the place as well as his mourning the loss of a home that he had personalized, added some negative energy. And, now for the first time, we are in a home together that we both feel good about and can establish from the beginning.

And it’s changed us.

There were certain behavior patterns or traits with both of us that I had viewed as innate, internal. But now that we are happy in our space, those patterns are changing after only a week. For the better. Although we both have generally positive attitudes about temporary situations, the stress of unsatisfactory housing had its impact.

I had been blaming the inside when this time, the fingers should have been pointed outwards.

So what’s the lesson in this?

Relationships are built upon a complex interplay between internal and external factors. It makes no sense to discount the impact of either when trying to understand or improve a situation. The outside influence can be used to your advantage, thus the often-heard recommendation to take a vacation to reinvigorate a flagging relationship. It can also harm a relationship as it applies external stressors. Don’t be too quick to place all blame on the outside but also don’t neglect its influence. The reality is that most issues in a relationship have internal and external factors. Pay attention to both.

In math, we use the acronym “FOIL” to teach the multiplication of binomials. It stands for first, outside, inside, last. This same acronym can be modified for relationships:

First, outside

Inside, last.

Meaning, first look to outside influenced on your relationship. Often times, just recognizing their impact can make a difference. Other times, you can actively work to change your environment. But then, look inside and make sure that you’re aligned there as well. If you only take one perspective, you’re only looking at half the picture.

As for me, I’m happy to be on the far side of 2 1/2 years of housing stress and I’m enjoying where we are in this moment. Both inside and out:)

 

Finding Love After Loss

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I came across this article last night and it really resonated. The author gives some great tips on how to move on again after loss of any kind. I hope that you also find his advice useful and enlightening.  I urge you to read it even if a new relationship seems unfathomable in the current moment. After all, the way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel.

Finding Love After Loss: 7 Steps For Moving Forward

We all have “baggage.”  It comes with being human — and with having relationships.

By age 18, most of us have discovered that relationships can be a source of great joy, satisfaction and meaning when our needs for love, affection and companionship are met. Or a source of heartache and sorrow when they’re not.

Few things in life are as uplifting as being in a loving relationship. Or as painful as losing someone we love. Whether we lose them as the result of death or a “living loss” like separation, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, drug addiction, illness, injury or something else, moving on can present some daunting challenges. Facing these challenges, taking the necessary time to get our footing and opening the doors to finding love again is best achieved when we balance patience with courage.

Having coached countless hundreds of clients seeking to find love after a loss, there are some proven steps for regaining your strength, trust, faith, confidence and moving forward:

1. Take Small Steps  

Above all else, be patient. Trying to get back into “the game” by jumping back into a relationship before your mind is clear and heart is sufficiently healed is a formula for disaster. Some of us can barely stand on our own two feet and yet, we’re looking for love (in all the wrong places) to fill the void.  Read the rest on eHarmony.

Some of my related pieces:

One Step at a Time

Finding Love Again

Love After Divorce: A Reflection on a Journey

Dating After Divorce: Ten Tips for Success

Goal Post

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was packing my file drawers just now and came across the above pages, now worn and sun bleached. I remembered writing a post about it about a year and half ago. Perspective is so funny – those goals seemed so distant then and now even the old post feels ancient, especially with the completion of the book over a year in the past. The me of the old post would never have imagined doing radio and TV spots. She thought marathons were only for crazy people (I’m not sure I’ve changed my mind on this…more like I’ve become crazy!) And, the me of the old post was not yet thinking marriage or house; she was still settling in to cohabitation and a general calming down of life.  I like these reminders of where I was and where I am. They help me stay on track for where (and who) I want to be. They remind of the importance of setting goals but also the importance of being willing to alter them, with pink marker if necessary, as life and plans change.

Now, without further ado, the original post from April 2012:

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left.  I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.”  When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there.  I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year.  It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up.  The list now makes me smile.  It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project.  The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs.  I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect.  Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”).  Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here.  I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years.  Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend.  There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed.  It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life.  I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips.  The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk.  I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.

Innocent Spouse Relief

Posted on by stilllearning2b
innocent spouse relief

I’ve been receiving more questions about this program offered by the IRS, so I figured it was time to dedicate an entire post to the subject. Please note that I am not a tax expert (nor do I want to be!!!). I am simply sharing my experience, summarizing the information from the IRS and pointing you in the right direction for further resources.

From my book:

I received a notice that I had a certified letter ready for pick-up. My stomach dropped, as I had been conditioned to certified letters signaling more money owed or another bomb ready to drop. When the postmistress placed the stocky envelope in my hands, she uttered an apology.

“Sorry. It’s from the IRS. Nobody likes to get those.”

I thanked her and moved to the side of the room bracing myself against the green tiled wall as I slid my finger under to the flap to break the seal.

“We have determined that you are eligible for Innocent Spouse Relief.”

I let out a sharp cry as I slid to the floor, grasping the stapled pages in both hands. The tears began, falling from my eyes that tracked that single line again and again. The postmistress looked up, concerned. Leaving her current customer, she lifted the hinged counter section, kneeled next me, and inquired about my well-being.

“I’m great,” I said through the sobs. “I got Innocent Spouse Relief. The IRS gave me the justice the courts never did.”

“That’s great, honey,” she replied, looking equal parts relieved and confused.

Hours went by before I was able to read more than that single sentence. There was a 90-day waiting period where Timothy would have a chance to contest before they would issue a check. I did not care. I was fixated on that single word, “Innocent.” After enduring the months of attacks by Timothy and his attorney, and internalizing some his lies, I felt such relief at the conclusion reached by a third party.

I had long since given up my faith in labels, but that simple declaration from the IRS freed me from bonds I was not aware ensnared me, releasing me in the way that I expected from the court ruling.

My tax problem was one of several bombs in those first few days. My first indication of a problem came in a thick envelope just days after I received the text. The letter was very threatening in tone and it was clear it was not the first notice. It was simply the first notice that he couldn’t intercept. This one stated that we owed almost $3,000 for taxes from 2007. $3,000 that I didn’t have. And, to make matters worse, he had taken all of the financial files with him as well as the computer that was used to prepare the taxes. I had to order my own tax returns from the IRS to try to figure out what happened.

I had neither the constitution nor resources to go to battle with the IRS at that point. I was simply struggling to survive. So, using money gifted from family, I sent them a check. Over the next few months, two more letters came in about two different years. I cut two more checks.

I was furious. At this point, I had received the returns and discovered that he made false deductions. $10,000 to charity??? I probably dropped some stuff off at Goodwill but I don’t think my old jeans and some video tapes were worth quite that much. He had always been the one to prepare our taxes (yes, I trusted him completely) and, with electronic filing, I didn’t even have to sign in the later years.

I looked at the thousands I sent to IRS up as simply more money he stole from me. I lived in fear of another audit and more money owed. I tried to find comfort in the fact that the legal divorce at lease promised me that there would be no new tax problems cropping up.

Months after the divorce was final, my dad called me with some news.

“I just heard about a program with the IRS, innocent spouse relief, that I think may help you. I’ll send you the link.”

I remember clicking that link, skimming the fact page it led me to and starting to shake. It felt too good to be true. At that point, I had lost all faith in the system. My ex never followed the divorce decree, leaving me with a house entering foreclosure. He was already showing signs of failing to meet the requirements of his felony charge for bigamy (there’s currently a warrant for him). And, finally, it looked like the IRS could possibly, maybe provide some justice. It was a long shot; the majority of applicants for relief are turned down. But I was going to give it my best shot.

I printed out Form 8857, Request for Innocent Spouse Relief.  I had to chuckle when they asked me for his current location and contact information; he could have been anywhere from Georgia to hell – I had no idea and didn’t want to know. I completed the form as best I could. But I didn’t stop there. The form only provided a laughable three lines to explain the circumstances. I attached around forty additional pages of background story. Essentially, I was trying to get them to see the whole picture.

I assembled anything I could to help them understand what happened. I included the papers about his felony charge, emails from him that ensnared him in lies, reports from the police, the divorce decree (which indicated his liability to assume the tax debt) and evidence of his lack of participation in its demands. I even threw in his mug shot for a little flavor. I felt like an attorney assembling a case. Which I pretty much was. By the end, I complied a 4″ stack which I sent to the IRS in a box.

And then I waited. Periodically, I would receive letters that they were considering the case. Then, about six months later, I received the letter that stated relief would be granted. He had 90 days to contest it and he never did. I don’t even know if they ever found him. Over the next few months, I received checks refunding the extra tax that I had paid and now the debt is firmly on his shoulders.

A side note: Georgia also has a state income tax. The process with them – from the initial letter demanding payment to the final granting of relief – has run about two years behind the federal case. Luckily, I did not have to mail a box to the state; they simply required the letters of relief from the IRS. I’m not sure how the other states handle this, but I would expect it is much the same.

From the IRS website, you are eligible for innocent spouse relief if you meet all of the following conditions:

  • You must have filed a joint return which has an understatement of tax;
  • The understatement of tax must be due to erroneous items of your spouse;
  • You must establish that at the time you signed the joint return, you did not know, and had no reason to know, that there was an understatement of tax;
  • Taking into account all of the facts and circumstances, it would be unfair to hold you liable for the understatement of tax

Here’s the IRS list (with all of the if-thens that make you feel like you’re reading code!) that helps you determine your eligibility. Just reading it makes my head hurt.

You must also file within certain time limits (this used to be two years but has since been lengthened and made more variable depending upon type of relief requested. The IRS considers many factors in deciding whether to award relief. From what I call tell, they are looking for evidence that the petitioning spouse had no knowledge of the erroneous information, has made changes to remove themselves from the situation and was a victim in some way or incapacitated during the marriage.

Here are the factors that I believe helped my case:

  • The divorce decree stated that he held the tax liability.
  • He was charged with a felony (unrelated to taxes, but still indicative of fraud and deception).
  • He demonstrated a history of deception, financial and otherwise.
  • He removed the financial files from the house.
  • I immediately paid the monies owed as soon as I found out about them.
  • He prepared the taxes.
  • I documented the emotional and financial impact that the divorce and associated problems had on me.
  • I provided the IRS with multiple pieces of evidence for each claim as well as a thorough description of the situation.
  • He failed to uphold the conditions of the divorce decree or the diversion granted in the criminal bigamy case.

Innocent spouse relief is not easy to obtain. Like anything with the IRS, there are confusing forms and rules that seem to be an endless shifting target. There are tax attorneys that feed on this and offer their services – at a steep price of course – to help you with your case. I never had that option nor do I expect most people requesting relief have those kinds of resources idly sitting around.

My suggestion? If you think you qualify, set aside a weekend to print the form and assemble your case. It may be time well spent. And, if you’re like me, receiving an official document that names you an “innocent spouse” can be worth more than the checks that follow.

To contact the Innocent Spouse Relief department:

1-855-851-2009

IRS

Innocent Spouse

Stop 840-F

PO Box 120053

Covington, KY 41012

Related:

The First Tears of the New Year

An Open Letter to the IRS

Marital Fraud: Questions Answered