Tabula Rasa Redux

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Piece of chalk and blackboard
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The end of my marriage has led to some new traditions for me.  One of those is the need for a periodic wiping of the slate, a tabula rasa of sorts where I disengage from my normal surroundings for a brief period and ensconce myself in a new environment surrounded by strangers.  I feel pulled to do this, an itching that consumes me until I make the arrangements.

Part of this need is simply a break from my normal routine.  My daily life is very scheduled and planned.  As a teacher, one day looks much like the next and my days are broken down into almost-identical segments separated by a bell.  Outside of school is not much better, as I have to carefully plan workouts, menus, newsletter writing, and shopping lists to make sure that everything happens.  Sometimes, I just need a break where I do not have to think about next week’s menu or tomorrow’s lesson plan.  I need to be able to flow through the day, unconcerned with the arrival of second period or getting to the store before the post-church rush. A new environment with no one to care for but myself allows me to be in the moment without having to plan for the next.

I also enjoy the anonymity of these trips.  The blank box of a hotel room, navigating through crowds alone, slipping through the town leaving only the traces I choose, all give me a sense of freedom.  It is a time for reflection and rebirth.  My spirit and creativity feel refreshed by the lack of definition.  It gives me a chance to see myself without the decorations of daily life.

My need for adventure is also satisfied through these jaunts.  I enjoy exploring a new environment, exposure to new sights and sounds.  There is not much opportunity in my daily life to stimulate curiosity, so I try to inoculate with a large dose periodically.

This blank slate trip is an over-nighter to a nearby city, deferring to time and money constraints.  It is a city I have driven through, but never visited.  It is nothing special, but it is new to me.   I hope to visit the botanical gardens and the art museum.  I want to run the trails of a nearby state park and enjoy the springtime vistas.  I desire to walk the “funky” shopping streets, as I thrive off the energy in those areas.  I may venture into a venue for live music, or I may spend the evening in meditation.  It doesn’t matter. I can flow with my rhythm and not worry about an agenda.

So here goes tabula rasa redux IV, where I can clean off the residue of daily life and emerge refreshed and invigorated.

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Clean Up, Aisle 5

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I received a notice in the mail yesterday that I have to report to court to settle one of the financial messes that my ex left behind. I have known that this was coming, but that does not make its arrival any easier.

I’m angry. Angry that he continues to dodge his responsibilities while I, as a tax-paying citizen who holds a job and a valid driver’s license, gets to deal with the mess he so casually left behind.

I’m anxious. Even now, almost three years out from the initial blow, I’m still half-waiting for another explosion.

But, most of all, I feel ashamed. I don’t know why, but this is my response when I feel like people are judging me, even when their assumptions are untrue. These people don’t know anything of my story, nor do they care. I want to walk in there, head held high, with the “innocent spouse” letter from the IRS fastened to my collar, an anti-scarlet letter. I want them to know that I am the one cleaning up the mess, not the one who left it there in the first place.

But, I guess it doesn’t matter. Part of marriage is cleaning up after your spouse. My clean-up duties just happen to extend beyond the matrimony. I’ll walk in there, keep my story to myself, and take care of business, leaving me with one less of his messes to clean up.

Taming the Monkey Mind: Days 1 & 2

Posted on by stilllearning2b

These first two meditations were simple. In theory. Each one was 20 minutes of focusing on the breath. In practice, not so simple.

I came to a realization. I know that trying to tame my monkey mind through force will backfire, for that primate is stronger than me. I knew that the way to teach it was through patience and practice, but today it finally clicked what that really means.

I have been approaching my mind like I was training a 7 month old puppy to sit. With a dog of that age, there are expectations which lead to frustration when to the dog does not obey. “Don’t you get this already?” you want to scream at the dog.

I realized instead that I need to approach my mind as though I was training a 7 week old puppy to sit. At that age, it would be foolish to have expectations of the dog being able to hold a position for long. Rather, you gently push the puppy’s back end down repeatedly. Patiently. There is no frustration when it gets up and happily waddles over to you. After all, it is a puppy, what can you expect. With good humor, you simply place it back in position. Of course, over time, this young puppy will be able to stay in position for longer and longer periods until it is habit.

English: A puppy with a Kong Wubba, a Kong pro...
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I am going to hold that image in my mind, placing my focus back on my breath as though I was placing a young puppy back in place.  Hopefully, one day my mind can learn to sit still too.

Taming the Monkey Mind: a 28 Day Meditation Challenge

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: Yawning Vervet Monkey. Samburu Nation...
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So, I’m sure this will come as a huge shock to those of you that have been keeping up with me, but my mind has a tendency to jump around a bit.  It leaps from thought to thought like a monkey swinging through the trees, grasping one just long enough to get to the next, chattering all the while.

At various points throughout my life, I have made attempts to tame this monkey-mind of mine, only to surrender to its wild state.  Well, as that monkey gets older, I’m a little afraid that it may become more resistant to training, as it becomes accustomed to having its way.  So, I am going to try once again to tame it.

This time, I am going in prepared.  I am setting a goal.  Creating structure.  Bringing along support.

So, what does one need to tame a monkey-mind, you ask?  Here is what is in my arsenal for this go-round:

1 copy of Real Happiness: the Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg  with CD

6 boxes of incense

1 comfy fuzzy blanket for when my office is cold

English: 3 candles
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1 lamp for soft lighting

1 large pillow for proper seating

assorted candles

various smell-good balms and lotions

Of course, none of this is really necessary to tame a monkey-mind, but I like to be prepared.

In the past, I would start to develop a habit of meditation and then I would slide.  I do not know why I am resistant to something that feels good in the moment and makes me feel better in general, but I always seem to find something else to do.  Ah ha, therein lies the problem.  I want to DO, instead of just BE.

In order to hold myself accountable through this 28 day challenge, I am going to write about my experience.  It may not make for the most interesting reading, but I need to make it public so that I won’t let it slide.

So here goes nothing, I’m about to face that monkey-mind of mine.

Day 166/365-Meditation
Day 166/365-Meditation (Photo credit: thekellyscope)
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Running With Zombies

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...
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Some people like to run with friends. Others prefer to run with scissors (I’m looking at you, Augusten Burroughs). As for me, I prefer to run with zombies.

First, a quick note. I’ll be honest: I’m not sure which preposition to use here.

Running with zombies or

Running from zombies?

Nonetheless, I did run and there were (at least in a sense) zombies.  I downloaded the Zombies, Run App on my iPhone the other day.  This app is like a video game that you play by running.  A story is told, a mission at a time, over and between the songs on your playlist.  As you reach certain time and/or distance goals, you obtain items which help you in further missions.  The best part, and the reason I tried the app, is that periodically the zombies will chase you, forcing you to pick up the pace and sprint.

A little disclaimer here.  I’m usually really good about pushing myself, but I have a hard time doing much of a sprint in the middle of a run.  I get in the groove and go.  So, usually my excuse for speed work (with the exception of dedicated sprints) is pretty pitiful.

Yeah, the zombies changed that.  Even when you are surrounded by families pushing strollers and walking adorable little puppies, something about the sounds of the undead behind you encourages you to run.  Fast.  I got more out of that run than I normally do with speed work.

Today was my first trial, and I now know I need to tweak my playlist before I use it again.  I tend to run to a mix of heavy metal and Celtic music (look, we’ve already established I’m a little nuts; no need to rub it in).  Well, the former, was a great soundtrack for the walking dead.  Somehow it just seemed right to hear their moaning over Megadeth, Slayer, or Dead Horse.  But the Celtic?  Not so much.  I kept picturing a pipe and drum band formed of zombies chasing me, their kilts a’flapping in the wind.  Shudder.  I think I might save the Scottish for the zombie-free runs.

Overall, it was a fun little experiment that made my run entertaining and pushed me a little harder.  I think I’ll add zombies to my running repertoire.  Once I rip those bagpipes from their undead hands, that is.

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