What Forgiveness Is (and What it is Not)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The dictionary defines forgiveness as:

(to) stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

But that doesn’t even come close to capturing the strong emotion and indignant protest that the term often evokes.

For forgiveness to even be a concern, it means that you have been hurt. Perhaps badly. Wronged. Perhaps repeatedly and intentionally. And it feels erroneous to forgive. Unfair. As though we were victimized once and are now being asked to do it again as we offer an olive branch of amnesty instead of sticking that branch where the sun don’t shine.

But don’t worry.

I’m not asking you to forgive.

I’m simply asking you to reconsider what it means to forgive.

And what you do with that is up to you.

Forgiveness is … freedom.

When we hold on to anger or resentment, it binds us to the past. It allows what happened to us to define us and limits our future. Forgiveness is freedom; it is the release from the shackles that anchor you. It is a lightness. A sense of peace.

Forgiveness is not … a pardon.

Forgiveness does not mean that you give someone a free pass. The choices that your assailant made are his or her own burden. When you forgive, you do not relieve them of their liability; you release your encumbrance.

Forgiveness is … acceptance.

It’s natural to turn away from pain. It’s normal to try to rationalize and minimize the bad that has happened to us. Forgiveness requires facing the truth. Seeing the truth. And accepting the truth.

Forgiveness is not … approval.

Accepting what happened does not come with a stamp of approval. You can forgive even while you renounce the choices that were made and the actions that were carried out.

Forgiveness is … acknowledgement.

Forgiveness means that you recognize what happened. You face the reality and address the fallout. You don’t deny the impact and you acknowledge the suffering.

Forgiveness is not … allowance.

You do not have to allow the suffering to continue in order to forgive. You can forgive someone and still remove them your life. You do not have to allow the pain to continue.

Forgiveness is … independent.

Forgiveness requires no one other than yourself. You possess everything you need to forgive the one who wronged you.

Forgiveness is not … dependent upon apology.

Your abuser may never offer condolences. Don’t make the mistake of attaching your well-being to something you cannot control. You can forgive even if the desired apology never comes. Here’s how.

Forgiveness is … letting go.

Quitting is out of fear. Letting go is born from acceptance. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the anger. Of the resentment. Of the need for retribution and revenge.

Forgiveness is not … letting them off the hook.

Letting go of the anger does not mean you relieve them of any consequence. You can forgive and still file a police report. You can forgive and still allow bad decisions to catch up. You can forgive and let karma take care of the rest.

Forgiveness is … taking responsibility.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for your own happiness. It is refusing to stay a victim and making the effort to regain confidence and control in your own life.

Forgiveness is not … assuming culpability.

There is a difference between taking responsibility for your own actions and taking the blame for someone else’s. When you forgive, you are not assuming the culpability for your assailant’s actions. That’s on them. And how you choose to respond is on you.

Forgiveness is … reached when you are ready.

Forgiveness comes in slowly. It seems impossible until one day, it’s not. It is a process, not a switch.

Forgiveness is not … performed upon demand.

“Will you forgive me?” never works. It comes from a place of assuaging guilt whereas forgiveness comes from within as a means of releasing anguish.

Forgiveness is … quiet agreement.

You can forgive and never tell a soul. Forgiveness is for you. It is an agreement you make with yourself and chose to carry out in your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not … a public announcement.

Forgiveness can exist in silence. It can be found in avoidance. You have no obligation to tell the person who wronged you that you have found peace.

Forgiveness is … a personal choice.

Forgiveness is a option. One choice of many. You may decide to take that route now. Or maybe it waits until later or later never comes. It’s one of the few things you can control about what happened to you.

Forgiveness is not … a requirement.

You do not have to forgive. Many never do and find another way to continue on. Shrug off the “shoulds” and listen to what you want for you.

Forgiveness is … transforming the future.

Forgiveness is not … changing the past.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself rather than an offering to your assailant.

And it’s a gift you have to procure for yourself.

Want to forgive and not sure how? Read Forgiveness 101. 

Want another perspective? Read When You Shouldn’t Forgive.

Out With the Old; In With the New

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my parents divorced, my mom elected to stay in the house so that I could continue to live in the same neighborhood and attend the same school. It may have been the same house, but it sure experienced a transformation after my dad moved out. The dark wood was painted white. Old wallpaper was removed and replaced with pastel print. Out went the heavy and masculine and in came the flowers and fancy scrollwork. When pink floral pillows were placed on the pale blue sofa, I think I even made the comment, “It looks like Laura Ashley threw up in here.”

At the time, the redecoration seemed a bit extreme to me. I didn’t comprehend the obsession with change or the drive to find the perfect painting. I didn’t understand it then. But I do now.

My situation was different than my mom’s. I left the marital house behind along with everything it contained. For a year, redecorating was the furthest thing from my mind as I lived in a rented room with borrowed supplies. That green flannel comforter may not have to my taste, but it soaked up my tears without complaint.

That spring, I was looking forward to moving into my new space, an apartment down the road from my new boyfriend.

And that’s when the decorating bug hit. I fell in lust with a colorful woven throw from Cost Plus and, after much debate, purchased it even though I did not yet have a place to put it (or even the funds to buy it). I soon started making lists (and spreadsheets) of what I wanted to fill my new space. My list had to be practical; when you don’t even own a towel, you can’t spend too much money on decorations. But it was still my list. My space.

And, like my mom many years before, I grew obsessed. My status had changed. My heart had changed. My life had changed.

And my home needed to reflect that change.

Even though I had loved the oversized, dark furniture in my old home, I gravitated towards smaller-scale white pieces this time around. I introduced some floral prints, although not quite to the Laura Ashley puke standard.

It was sparse. It was clean. It was new.

It was uncluttered of stuff and of memories.

And it was mine.

 

Change begets change.

And divorce begets redecorating.

Whether it be our homes, our hair, our wardrobes or our lives.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Eleven Traps That Hold You Back After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
hold back divorce

The journey back to life after divorce is a tricky one. You’re depleted and overwhelmed and simply ready for things to hurry up and get back to normal already. It’s easy to feel stuck, trapped between your life and the life you wish to create. When you become aware of these snares, you are better able to disengage and find the freedom to move forward.

Feeling stuck?

The following are common traps that can hold you back after divorce:

Sadness

Divorce is the end of the life you had. It is the death of the marriage and of the shared dreams. It may mean significant changes in family and in lifestyle. It’s natural to mourn. To grieve. You have suffered a major loss.

Sadness becomes a trap when you try to avoid it. When you sense the oncoming tears and instead of letting them flow, you turn away and try to deny their existence. The sorrow only builds when you ignore it, the weight of it holding you down. The only way to relieve sadness is to feel it, acknowledge it and let it flow through you.

Feeling sad?

Guilt

Remorsefulness comes in many forms after divorce. You may feel guilty for not maintaining your vows, letting your spouse down or not providing the life you had envisioned for your children. Or maybe you even feel guilty because you let yourself down, staying in a situation you swore you would never tolerate.

Guilt has a productive purpose; it guides our actions and acts as a warning light for unethical choices. But sometimes there’s a short in the system, the alarm sounding even when no intentional wrongs have been committed. Consider your actions truthfully. If you owe any apologies, deliver them with sincerity (don’t forget to send one to yourself) and then let the guilt go, as it has served its purpose.

Why

Even when the world responds otherwise, we often possess an innate sense of fairness. Of balance between our intentions and our experiences. When divorce happens, especially if it is a particularly brutal divorce that leaves you feeling victimized and battered, it is natural to question “why?”

At first, exploring the “why” feels like an escape. It distracts from the pain and activates a more rational and aware part of the brain. But “why” is a deceptively sneaky trap. We convince ourselves that once we understand, we will be okay.  But no amount of information can relieve the pain. At some point, you have to accept that you won’t know everything and that you can move on regardless.

Vengeance

When we are in pain, we often want to last out. When others harm us, we want them to experience the same suffering. We hold onto our anger like a shield, the sheer power of it enough to protect our delicate selves beneath. We want our perceived persecutor to face consequences. After all, it’s only fair.

The need for revenge is a brutal trap. While your attention is filled with negative thoughts about your ex, you neglect to care for yourself. When you are filled with rage, you end up being singed. And when you base your well-being on someone else’s downfall? Well, that’s just not good karma.

Here’s the truth: You can move on even if justice as you see it is never served. Besides while you’re waiting for the desired punishment to be meted out, who is really the one held in prison?

Feeling angry?

Loneliness

If you have lost a spouse that you shared many years and many memories with, the forfeiture of the shared history is ruthless. The sudden void is cavernous, the shock of the missing person all-encompassing like the cold air on your goose-pimpled flesh as the water drains out of the bath.

It’s a scary place to be, where two split back into ones. You may feel rejected. Isolated from your former life. Alone against the world. It hurts. But at some point loneliness is a choice. It is up to you to fill your life back up with friends and memories. You have to get up and get out to be connected.

Feeling alone?

Permanence

We have this way of believing that the way things are now is the way they will always be. But everything changes. Even suffering.  The way you feel now is not the way you will feel next year. Or next week. Or even tomorrow.

Divorce is a time when you have to rewrite your life’s plans. But it’s the start of a new chapter, not the end of the story. New beginnings are brimming with possibilities. See them.

Feeling hopeless?

Worthiness

When we have been rejected, we often internalize the message, assuming that if it happened to us, it must have happened because of us.  We may see ourselves as broken, and either seek out rescuers and fixers or conclude that we are unworthy of love and compassion. We may view our mistakes as fatal character flaws that render us useless.

Divorce is an enormous blow to our self-image and confidence. And it can also help to build us back up as we complete steps we never thought we were capable of. Be mindful of the thoughts you allow about yourself and be deliberate with your personal narrative. After all, the words we say to others have influence. But the words we say to ourselves have power. You are worthy. Say it. Believe it. Live it.

Fear

While some may respond to the fear of divorce by fighting, others may freeze in place, scared that if they move, they will be targeted yet again. Still others may run, seeking to avoid facing the truth of the end of the marriage and the carnage left behind.

When we allow fear to drive our lives, we are limiting ourselves. It may feel like living, but it is only a facsimile bounded by self-imposed rules and boundaries. It’s scary taking that leap of faith from what you knew into the abyss of possibility. But that risk may be preferable to the limitations imposed by apprehension. Don’t let fear be your chauffeur; drive your own life.

Feeling scared?

Super-Parent

If you are in the position of assuming primary (or only) care for the children, it is all too easy to feel great pressure to mitigate the impact of the divorce by being a super-parent. I see parents who feel guilty for the effects of the divorce and overcompensate by being too permissive with their kids. I see parents who feel guilty about the void created by divorce who strove to fill it by any means necessary.

But most of all I see parents who are overwhelmed and overworked, assuming the entirety of the burden of childcare and decision-making. They become all-mom or all-dad and lose themselves in the process as they place their children’s needs first. This is a tricky trap. Your kids need you. But they also need you to be you. Wholly you.

Give yourself permission to be a good enough parent rather than a perfect parent. Focus on what matters and be willing to release the details that really don’t. Seek out support and guidance from others. And make sure to take care of yourself too.

Preservation

This is the trap of “I will never let myself be hurt again,” the walls that prevent any weaknesses from showing. That protect any vulnerabilities.  This trap is often rife with justifications of why it is better to be alone than to risk being hurt.

Consider this: If you are focused on preserving, how much are you enjoying? If you only think about protection, do you ever experience enjoyment? Life is meant to be lived, not secured under glass.

What If

This trap ensnares you with thought tendrils that wind around your brain, whispering about possible actions and outcomes whose time has already passed. The “what if” trap is a maze with no exit, a circuitous path that never ends.

When you spend your energy wondering about what could have happened, you give the past power to rob the future of its potential. Instead of “what if,” try “what now” and focus on what is yet to come.

When will I feel better?

How Conquering Divorce Gives You Confidence

Posted on by stilllearning2b
confidence

Whenever you successfully complete something that you thought you could not do, you gain confidence. Whenever you have to reframe your assumptions about your weaknesses and limitations, you fuel belief in yourself. Whenever you face your fears and survive, you acquire strength. And whenever you come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, you build trust in your abilities.

 

Divorce gives you plenty of practice in all of these. The end of a marriage is rife with authentic opportunities to build your confidence: 

 

Whenever we accept too much assistance, we sacrifice our self-confidence. But divorce gives plenty of practice in self-reliance. Because at the end of the day, you have to do it yourself.  You can accept help in everything from paperwork to counseling, but the talks with the lawyers, the tears in the night and the conviction to move forward are yours and your alone.

Divorce seems never-ending. The mountain seems insurmountable between the emotional process and the legal one. One step forward is often followed with a mudslide back. It’s a powerful feeling when you look back and realize how far you’ve come. Baby steps add up to marathons.

In many marriages, you grow to depend upon your partner as your go-to when you’re stressed or upset. But in divorce, that is the one person who cannot offer you the comfort you crave or the helping hand you desire. You have to do it all without the support of the person that you had always depended upon. 

Divorce is scary. It requires cojones just to face each day. You never know what may lie in wait around each corner and what demons you may be asked to slay. And if you have kids, it takes even greater courage to be the strong one for them.

When a marriage ends, it leaves no surface untouched. It affects every area of your life from finances to future. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. It’s not easy living in a land of uncertainty with no firm footholds.

When you are partnered, you see yourself as your spouse sees you. You may accept his or her perceived weakness as truth and you may lose faith in your ability to conquer challenges. As you separate, you are forced to revise your self-image. And you will discover that you are stronger and more resilient than you ever imaged.

Made it through divorce? Here’s your trophy. You deserve it!

silver-trophy

A Geographic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock has been busy lately. Very busy. So when he had to drive to the other side of town this morning to drop something off for work, he invited me along for the ride. That’s life – sometimes quality time comes from a romantic evening out and sometimes it comes in the form of an hour plus on the highways of Atlanta (which even have traffic before dawn on a Saturday morning).

It was a quiet ride for the most part. The comfortable companionate silence between two people with nothing to prove who simply enjoy each other’s company. But it was also a journey to the past for me, as we drove from where we live to the area where I spent ten years of my former life.

I make that drive once a month or so to visit with friends or to attend some event. But usually I am either the driver or the sights are hidden beneath a shawl of darkness. This morning was different. The soft morning light had just brightened the sky when we made the turn into my old stomping grounds and, as the passenger, I had endless opportunity to peer between the trees to see what had remained and what had changed.

We drove by the street that was home to my first Georgia apartment where we served breakfast to the family who came into town to celebrate our wedding. We passed by my old library, where I checked out endless decorating books with the intention of turning our house into a home. I saw the biscuit place that my husband loved and the Costco where we went together every Saturday. We pulled through the drive through at the Starbucks where I met dates and sought public solitude after my divorce. And I caught a glimpse of the Gold’s Gym that was my sanctuary where I rebuilt mind and body.

I first heard the term “a geographic” relating to a need to pull up roots and start over somewhere new when I read Stephen King’s Duma Key. At the time I read the book, tucked securely in my other life, I didn’t understand that drive.

A few years later I understood it too well.

Once the reality of the end of my current life had set in, I felt an overwhelming need to escape. To run. To get away from every reminder and every location.

I wanted a geographic.

If I was going to be forced to start over, I wanted it to be fresh. Not built upon the dunghill of my former life.

Necessity kept me local for that first year; my job and my support system were nearby and needed. But that whole year, I felt restless. I no longer belonged. I needed to move. I was planning on a move to the West Coast, as far away as I could get in the continental U.S. But then love happened, and I cut my planned move short by about 2100 miles.

But it was far enough. As our morning drive took us through the streets of my old life, it felt like another world, another lifetime. It was distant yet interesting. I was curious rather than anxious. It held no pain, only far off memories. And it certainly didn’t feel like home.

I am feeling the pull for another kind of geographic right now. This semester has been way too frantic. I’ve felt pulled and prodded, trying to balance too much for too long. I feel the need to get away. To run. Not to another life, but to the woods for some quiet and simplicity. Life pared down to its most basic. Where the morning fire is often the most pressing item on the to-do list.

Peace. Hopefully without frostbite.

Sometimes we need to get away. Maybe for a few days. Or maybe for a lifetime.

Sometimes a geographic can help cure what ails us.