If Divorce Came With a Warning Label
Post-Divorce Growing Pains
I spend my days working with adolescents and my evenings working with the recently divorced. And apart from the taste in music, I increasingly find that the two groups share many growing pains as they navigate one of life’s major transitions. Both teenagers and the recently divorced are:
Learning to Be Independent
The teenagers I work with are just beginning to form their own opinions and beliefs apart from their parents. They are practicing how to navigate the world without an adult stepping in and taking care of business for them. After divorce, people are also learning to be independent, teasing out their own opinions from those of their spouse. They may have to take on new tasks that were once the domain of their partner. In both cases, the additional responsibility is scary yet the increasing independence is empowering, building confidence with each step.
Playing With Identity
I am no longer surprised when a previously preppy student comes in with hot pink hair or a teenager who listened to One Direction one week proclaims to love hard core rap the next. Young adults are famous for trying on and discarding identities like blue jeans in a dressing room. The recently divorced also have a tendency to play around with identity. The old identity no longer fits and it takes time (and some trial and error) to figure out the new one. With the divorcee, this exploration often extends to trying on new careers, new cities, new hobbies, new “types” when dating and a new appearance.
Struggling With Insecurity
Teenagers are notoriously insecure. They pull their hair down over their pockmarked faces, hoping that nobody will notice their pimpled skin. They stress over class presentations, convinced that their classmates are secretly laughing at them. The insecurity of the newly divorced is enhanced by a feeling of rejection. They worry that they are too old, too fat or too damaged to reenter the dating scene. Both groups can be found posting excessive selfies, not to show off, but to build confidence.
Trying to Make Sense of Emotions
Teenagers can be loving and sweet one moment and screeching baboons the next. They don’t mean to, they’re just trying to make sense of the world through the chaos of their changing brains and growing bodies. Their divorced counterparts may not be dealing with an influx of hormones, but they are learning how to deal with emotions powerful enough to level small towns. In both groups, expect plenty of tears, lots of shouting, out-of-control laughter and a rapid-fire switch between the three.
Scared and Excited About the Future
As high school approaches, my 8th graders lose their confidence and seek more attention from their teachers. They’re excited about the next chapter, but they’re also scared. Scared of new demands. New people. New responsibilities. And more opportunities for mistakes. After divorce, the future is also both scary (What if I never love again? How will I survive on only income? What if I only attract toxic relationships?) and exciting (I get to rebuild my life the way I want! I can finally buy that blue sofa he hated! I get a chance to date and explore new people!). Whether you are launching or relaunching, it’s not easy.
Figuring Out How to Belong
Middle schools are organized by cliques. And teenagers spend an inordinate amount of energy navigating these groups and figuring out where they belong within them. And there is always drama as allegiances are built and disassembled. After divorce, people have to renegotiate relationships with friends and family members. Lines are drawn. Friendships are dismantled. And new social groups are often sought.
Negotiating Boundaries
Teenagers negotiate for freedom yet crave the security of boundaries. They push and push until they hear “no” and then they push some more just to make sure. The recently divorced are also negotiating boundaries. With their ex and also with themselves. It’s a time of change. The freedom feels good to an extent. But it’s also good to know the limits.
If you’re feeling crazy after divorce, don’t worry. You’re just experiencing growing pains. Handle yourself the way you would a changing teenager. And find some relief that adolescence is just a phase.
Stuck In a Bad Marriage? These Are Your Three Choices
I had someone come to me last week for advice. His relationship with a woman – a married woman – recently ended and he was reeling from the breakup and associated revelations.
“I don’t understand,” he wrote, “How can she tell me her marriage is so bad and then choose to stay in it?”
I groaned. I couldn’t help it. I have never heard from anyone who had a relationship with a married partner who was not told that the marriage was bad. In fact, I think that pronouncement is a prerequisite for infidelity.
And it drives me crazy.
First, I see this as an excuse. It’s a convenient way to lessen guilt and shift blame to the unsuspecting spouse. It’s basically saying, “I’m not cheating because I’m a bad person; I’m cheating because you’re a bad person.” By painting the marriage as bad, regardless of the veracity of the claim, the actions become justified.
I also read these statements as a cry of insecurity. In essence, “My husband/wife never appreciates me so I need you to fill in the void.” But when we seek validation outside of ourselves, it’s never enough.
The assertion of a bad marriage to an affair partner is also manipulative. It’s a sob story that can used to spur rescuing behavior. “I’ve tried so hard to be a good spouse but I’m a victim of my spouse’s actions.”
Ugh. Just no.
If you’re on the receiving end of these stories, listen between the claims. Watch actions, not words. Think about what this person has to gain by telling you about their bad marriage.
And realize that reality may be very different than the picture they are trying to paint. After all, most people that have affairs claim that they are happy in their marriages.
Yet they say otherwise.
Now of course, marriages can go bad. Some had signs of mold from their inception while others slowly rot over time. If you’re in a souring marriage, you have three choices:
Fix It
Not by changing your spouse. But by changing yourself and your reactions. Instead of blaming your responses on your partner’s actions, dig deeper to uncover why you are upset. What is being triggered? Address that.
Accept It
Your spouse isn’t perfect. And neither are you. Marriages have seasons of growth and periods of drought. Are you looking to your spouse to fill a void within yourself? Are you expecting your marriage to magically heal your childhood wounds? Are you assuming that your partner should meet all of your needs?
Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage
End It
And if the defects are fatal? End it. There’s no reason to keep a marriage on life support forever.
12 Things to Consider Before Ending Your Marriage
Choosing to stay in the marriage while complaining about it is a form of passive acceptance. Yet it’s an acceptance that will keep you (and your marriage) miserable.
7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships
It’s really that simple.
Three choices – fix it, accept it or end it.
Make one.
10 Struggles Anybody Who Has Been Divorced Will Understand
1) “Getting to Know You” Conversations Can Become Awkward
“So, what brought you to Atlanta?”
I hate it when I get that question. Because the true answer is, “My ex-husband’s job.” But I don’t always want to go there, especially in a professional setting. So sometimes this perfectly innocuous question leads to conversational gymnastics to try to avoid the more salacious aspects of my life. And that’s not the only potentially tricky question. Once you’ve been married to somebody, your life stories intertwine and it can be difficult to tell yours without including unwanted information about your former spouse.
2) You Find Yourself Referencing Your “Other Life”
Once the divorce is final and in the rear view mirror, it feels like it happened to somebody else. Like that chapter was a whole other life. Even though your friends and family may see a contiguous you, you know otherwise. There was the person before the divorce and the person after. Thus, the “other life.”
3) Some Things Are Still Under Your Former Married Name
Changing your name is no easy feat. And after the emotional and financial upheaval of divorce? It’s almost an impossibility to gather enough energy to do it completely. I still have my old name on my car insurance (only because their demands mean I would have to visit the courthouse for additional documentation) and most of my classroom supplies are branded with the former moniker (When my students inquire about the name, I simply say, “She is a woman I used to know“). And, of course, I still receive credit card offers and advertisements under my old name. I guess they’re not aware she doesn’t exist anymore.
4) Your Blood Pressure Rises When You Have to Indicate “Marital Status” On Some Form
This is the worst while you’re in the process of divorcing: Technically you’re married, but you certainly don’t feel it. You’re not quite divorced yet, and you silently wonder if checking that box will speed up the legal process. You’re not single, but you’re slowly learning to be on your own. Nor are you widowed, although you may wish your spouse was dead. Here’s the box I would like to have placed on intake forms.
5) Weddings Become Bittersweet Events
The first wedding I attended was my cousin’s, two years after my divorce. I sat in the pew, my then-boyfriend now-husband by my side, and I tried to hold back the tears. I was happy for her. Excited for this new chapter in her life. But I was also sad for me, remembering back to the day when I possessed that certainty and unbridled excitement for the future. And I was scared for her. I wanted her happiness to last, untouched by divorce. Weddings are beginnings. And after divorce, you become acutely aware that sometimes they lead to premature endings.
6) You Learn That Missing Someone and Hating Someone Are Not Mutually Exclusive
7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce
Divorce is a pruning of your life. Limbs are removed and the whole is pared back, perhaps to its base, leaving only the bare minimum needed to sustain life. There are many areas where it is prudent to downsize to simplify and remove excess stressors, focusing only on the most critical needs.
But divorce is more than the removal of a life; it is the beginning of a new life. It is the intersection of loss and opportunity. And even though there are some areas where contraction makes sense, there are other areas where you can expand and grow.
The following are 7 areas you may want to consider upsizing during divorce:
Passions
We all start out life passionate about something. And then, over time and with increasing responsibilities, that passion is often relegated to the dusty shelves as it is replaced by more practical affairs. Now is the time to dust them off. Your passions help to reunite you with your core self, reminding you of who you were before the marriage. They provide welcome relief from the pain as you enter into a state of flow, acting as both distraction and sustenance for the soul.
Pick up that untuned instrument. Unearth your old paints. Sign up for a softball team. Brew your own beer. It doesn’t matter what it is, just that it is something that you truly love to do. So leave the excuses and just do it.
“Me Time”
Divorce is draining and exhausting. Maybe you normally balance taking care of kids, pets, coworkers and aging parents with barely a blink. It’s okay to take a break. To ask for help. To allow others to carry part of the load. So that you can take time for yourself. No guilt allowed. Until your oxygen mask is firmly affixed and you are breathing deeply, you can’t do much for others. So, carve out time for yourself and then take it.
Investments
Divorce can make the future a scary place. The well-laid plans were washed away by tears and the new blueprints have not yet been drawn up. That’s okay. There’s no rush. Yet even when you don’t know where you’re going, you can still start making some investments in your future. These may be financial, seeding your own savings or retirement. The investments may be in the form of education, starting a new degree or certification program that will open up new doors. Maybe it’s taking the first steps towards completing your first triathlon. Or even something as small as planting a tree that will shade your favorite spot on the patio. You will have a full life after divorce. Start funding it now.
Friends
This is an area that may need both upsizing and downsizing. While you may use this time to remove friends that no longer fit, divorce is also a great time to make new friends. I know it may feel overwhelming, especially if you are of a more introverted nature. But the effort is worth it. New friends introduce novelty and excitement. They give you an opportunity to try on your new persona and shed the skin of “the divorcing one.” The making of and keeping of friends require that you remain engaged in life. They encourage you to get out of your house and out of your comfort zone. Some of these friendships may be lasting and others may come and go. That’s okay. Let your friendships evolve as you do.
Exercise
There is a positive association between movement and mood. It’s easy to feel depressed when fully couch-locked. It’s much harder when peddling for your life in a spin class, shaking your booty in Zumba or power-walking through the park. If you had an exercise habit before the divorce, take this opportunity to upgrade it. Give yourself a new challenge. Try a variation or increase your mileage. If you normally go at it alone, see what a group class is like. If you gravitate towards the crowd, experiment with a solo venture.
If you haven’t been exercising, this is your chance to start. Here are some ideas to help you make movement a habit and create lasting change. And, if you’re unsure where to start, this list can give you some pointers about which type of exercise may be best for you.
Confidence
Feeling low? You just need to supersize your confidence. I know it’s hard to do when you feel like you’ve been kicked and then kicked again. The good news? – Just the process of divorce serves to build your confidence. And in the meantime, here are 21 ways, both large and small, that can boost your confidence. Everything starts with conviction. And that faith comes from trusting and believing in yourself. You’re awesome. You can do this.
Dreams
Life is a series of choices. And each decision we make eliminates the possibility of other paths. Divorce is a do-over in many ways. Some of those dreams that were sacrificed for earlier choices may be on the table again. See your dreams as a type of brainstorming. Allow them to flow without judgement or censorship. Explore the possibilities and alternates. Don’t rush into making decisions; enjoy the fantasies for a time. Expand your potential. And then act on it.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 