Is the Time Spent In a “Failed” Married Wasted?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
failed

When my math students first start to tackle more difficult algebra problems, they retain their elementary focus on determining the single correct answer. While this difficult work is still relatively new to them, they have a tendency to completely erase or even tear up an entire page of work that led to this incorrect value of “x.”

One of my goals during this time is to help the students focus on the process. Once they recreate the steps that led to the wrong answer that made them quit in frustration, I’m able to show them that, more often than not, they completed every step correctly with one simple mistake that led to the wrong answer. I point out the correct reasoning that I see in their work and also highlight the errors that led them astray.

They learn that it’s not only about the end goal; it’s also about the process. And by analyzing their work that led them to the wrong answer, they learn how to recreate what they did well and how to avoid the mistakes.

I see marriage as much the same.

It’s easy to see a “failed” end as a sign that all the years invested were wasted. It’s easy to get frustrated and to want to erase all of the memories or tear it up in anger. It’s easy to focus on the mistakes and neglect to see all of things that went right.

Is the Time Spent in a “Failed” Marriage Wasted?

“I’ve wasted half my life,” I wailed to my friend from my spot curled up against the doorframe on her checkered kitchen floor.

She turned from loading the dishwasher, “Don’t ever say that. Nothing is ever a waste.”

At that time, I certainly didn’t agree with her. After all, I had just realized that some or all of the past sixteen years had been a lie. I learned that the man I pledged my life to had been manipulating and conning me. I was in the process of losing everything I worked so hard for – from the house to the savings to even the dogs.

I felt defeated.

It was not unlike spending money and time anticipating a lavish vacation only to come down with the stomach flu upon arrival. Only this vacation spanned the better part of two decades and wiped out more than just my appetite.

I wondered how I would ever come to terms with squandering sixteen years. After all, I could rebuild my finances, find a new home and even a new husband, but time was one thing I could never get back.

I was angry at myself for what I viewed as a bad investment.

I gave most of my teenage years and all of my twenties to this man.

Years that now felt wasted. Opportunities passed by and paths never taken.

I felt like I had been led blindly down a dead-end road. A worthless journey to nowhere. And it was an expensive trip.

I grew angry, blaming him for stealing my years. My youth. My potential.

I was angry at him. But even more, I was angry at myself for investing my time and energy into a relationship that didn’t survive. I felt stupid as I thought back to the decisions that I had made with the assumption that he would remain my husband. Decisions that I had been at peace with became regrettable as soon as soon as the marriage ended.

Thinking back to the Choose Your Own Adventure books of my youth, I wished that I could somehow go back and do things differently. Remake those decisions for meand not for the sake of compromise or for the marriage.

But as far as I know, time travel is an impossibility. And I realized that by ruminating on what I could have, should have done differently in the past, I was wasting my days in the present.

I had to begin by forgiving myself for making the choices I did with the information that I had at the time. It may have been a bad investment, but at least it was made in good faith.

I reframed the “bad investment” as a nonrefundable deposit.

The time was spent and could not be unspent. Instead of viewing it as an unwise investment in a failing endeavor, I decided to define it as a deposit on a better life.

Since the price was steep, it was up to me to make sure that the deposit wasn’t wasted. And so I got busy building the best life I could possibly create.

I started by addressing all of those assumptions I had reached about myself over the years, all of those things I grew convinced that I could not do. Additionally, I considered all of the feats I had always wanted to do, but never seemed to make time for. And one by one, I crossed them off the list. With each new adventure, I focused less on the time “wasted” and more on the challenges met.

Next, I tackled the gaslighting, the false words my ex-husband spoke about me. And as part of finding my truth again, I worked to refute each negative claim in kind. Not through words, but through actions. In doing so, I started to break free from the emotional abuse and come back to myself.

I found love again and, even though the journey back to trust was a rough one, I am beyond grateful that my serpentine path led me to this place.

And finally, I sought ways to use the experience to help others. To transform the negative into a positive. And with each person I reached, the time invested became a worthwhile contribution.

Each of these endeavors reduced the resentment for the price I paid and replaced it with gratitude that I had the opportunity to live a better life.

I remembered and appreciated the good times.

When my resentment for the time invested in my first marriage was at its worst, I was focusing on the horrific end to the relationship and the financial and emotional fallout. It was no wonder then that the time felt wasted – I was basically seeing the exchange as sixteen years of my life traded in for $80,000 of my ex’s debt, an inevitable foreclosure, having to rehome three dogs and months of medication to function. It’s not a trade I would recommend to anyone.

But that analysis wasn’t really accurate. Because the marriage was more than just its ending. As I started to allow myself to remember the good times we shared, I no longer felt so cheated out of those years.

In fact, whenever the feeling of bitterness over the trajectory of my life would rise to the surface, I would tamp it back down with good memories of the past and gratitude for the opportunity to live through it.

I vowed to learn from the time spent in the relationship.

When I started dating again, I defined a “successful” date as one in which I learned something – about the man, about myself or about life in general. By that metric, every single date (even if I was stood up!) was a success.

And that’s how I decided to frame the years in my marriage as well. In those sixteen years I shared with my ex (reframed from my initial response that I “gave” him those years), I learned everything from how to be an adult to how to veneer MDF. And I took all of those lessons with me.

Those years spent in a “failed” marriage are simply a part of my story.

Because nothing is ever wasted if we enjoyed it in the moment.

Nothing is ever wasted if we learn and grow from the experience.

And nothing is wasted because it helps shape who we are today.

To see those years as wasted was really a reflection of how I saw myself after the piercing pain of rejection.

But those years weren’t worthless and neither was I.

Those moments may not have been deposited into the life I expected, but they turned out to be an investment into an even better future.

Choosing to see those years as anything-but-wasted was a gift of forgiveness to myself. I made the best choices I could have at the time. And now I know better and I choose better.

And I choose to make sure to live a life that I will never feel is wasted.

Wondering why I choose to put “failed” in quotes? It’s because I don’t see divorce as a failure. Learn why.

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheat

Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)

Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)

Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to cheat.)

Knowledge is power.

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

It’s hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I discovered my husband was having an affair. It was one part horror, one part punch to the gut and one part relief, because some of the things that didn’t make sense finally did.

And of course, one of the first questions to enter the screaming torment of my mind was, “Why did he cheat on me?” Followed shortly by the self-preserving thoughts of,

“But I was a supportive wife.”

“We talked about everything and never fought.”

“We had a great sex life.”

“He always said he loved me.”

I thought that affairs happened only in the absence of love. Of sex. Of emotional intimacy.

I was wrong.

Affairs can happen for many reasons. Here are the ones I encounter the most:

1 – The Bad Decision

This is the “it just happened” infidelity, although that excuse makes my skin crawl. This is the affair born of bad decisions that may or may not have other co-existing causes. There is no magic in a wedding band that suddenly causes all others of the opposite sex to be invisible. We all meet people that we find attractive and that awaken that little spark. But you always have a choice. Long before anything happens, you can make the decision to walk away. The earlier the better. The closer you get to a flame, the more difficult it becomes to leave without ignition occurring. You may get to a point where your body has the best of you, but you can choose to use your brain before then.

2 – The Need for Physical Connection

A marriage where the partners have different sexual needs is certainly a struggle. In this type of affair, one (or both) of the partners is craving more physical intimacy and they look outside the marriage to sate their appetites. Sometimes the affair is proceeded with a pronouncement about one partner’s dissatisfaction with the dead or dying bedroom. Other times, the lips are kept sealed about any discontent, leaving the non-straying spouse in the dark.

My frustration with this type (and the affair described below), is that so often the straying partner is helping to create the desert at home by turning his or her attentions away. This reason is also used as a fictitious excuse for infidelity and can even be created by the straying partner as a way for them to reconcile their decisions within their own mind. After all, it’s easy to claim a sexless marriage and difficult to refute unless you never close your blinds.

3 – The Need for Emotional Connection

Two has the potential to be lonelier than one can ever be. There is no worse feeling that being with someone and yet feeling invisible. Sometimes, people can change and grow apart. Other times, one spouse may feel completely abandoned by their partner. I often hear this complaint after the arrival of a child, when one spouse returns to school or when one person is overwhelmed with increased duties at work. The partner left behind may feel ignored, unappreciated or disrespected. And they slide into an affair with someone who helps to build them back up.

In this type of affair, the straying partner is seeking responsiveness and demonstrative affection from another. They describe their marriage as “dead” and want to feel alive, appreciated and understood.

4 – The Need for Approval

This is often the affair of the narcissist. They are typically brief and in succession, a new partner replacing the former before he or she gets to know too much. This straying partner is driven by the need to be idolized, which is a trademark of early romance that fades as time reveals more about the person.

5 – The Need for Stimulation

Affairs can be rewarding; there is a rush from the newness that is amplified by the necessary intrigue. Some people are wired to need more stimulation. These are your daredevils and stockbrokers. Others train themselves to need an increasing amount of stimulation, such as in the case of addiction. Their threshold for stimulation is set higher than a “normal” life can fulfill and so they are always seeking their next reward. After all, there is a documented connection between Twitter use and affairs.

6 – The Snipe Hunt for Happiness

I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way. Even those that they truly love.

Regardless of the reason for the infidelity, it comes down to this –

Having an affair is a choice.

And there are certain characteristics of those that are more likely to make that choice.

Cheaters are often selfish and lack empathy.They act without regard for consequences to others and fail to see the bigger picture.

Cheaters often shirk responsibility for their own wellbeing and are quick to lay blame.This leads them to demonize their spouse, idolize their affair partner and refuse to consider their own actions.

Cheaters may be impulsive and struggle with boundaries. And this may put them in situations where it’s difficult to not make bad decisions.

Cheaters may be manipulative. They gaslight their spouse while telling the affair partner that the spouse is awful.

Cheaters are pros at compartmentalization. They build walls between their actions and their self-image in order to avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.

Cheaters are often cowardly and afraid of confrontation. Rather than speak up with their spouse, they’d rather quietly step out.

Betrayal within in a marriage is some of the most acute pain you can feel as you face rejection by the one who promised to always hold you. By understanding what may have led to the affair (both in the marriage and in your spouse), you can begin to learn from the experience and eventually move on.

Refuse to let your partner’s actions determine your self worth. Because if you allow this to continue to hold you back, you’re ultimately cheating yourself.

 

Been Rejected? 6 Reasons It May NOT Be About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rejected

There’s no sugar coating it. Being rejected by a romantic partner sucks.

It stings when it’s a potential match on a dating site that doesn’t return your message. The rejection hurts when it comes from someone you’ve been dating for awhile. And it’s utterly devastating when that rejection originates from the person who vowed to love you forever.

One of the reasons that romantic rejection is so painful across the board is that we have a tendency to personalize it. To interpret the message, “I don’t want to be with you” as some version of “You’re a worthless and/or terrible person.” We then often follow that up with some lovely generalization – “Since this person doesn’t love me, nobody will love me.” And then our brains, happy to play along, begin to offer up endless examples and evidence to support these conclusions.

Ugh.

No wonder rejection sucks so badly.

It is so difficult to see a recent relationship and its demise with any sort of clarity. This is doubly true when there is rejection and an unwanted ending. But before you punish yourself for your shortcomings or allow yourself to wallow in a pit of self-pity, consider these possible reasons for the rejection that have little to do with your worth as a person and as a partner.

 

1 – You’re Not What They’re Looking For

Perhaps the easiest situation to face is when you’re rejected before the relationship has an opportunity to develop. At this early juncture, they are not really rejecting you because they do not yet know you.

Furthermore, no matter how utterly amazing you are, you’re not going to be the right kind of amazing for every person.

And that’s okay.

Scratch that. That’s MORE than okay. Because if you’re the type of person who is pleasing to everyone, it means that you’re not being true to yourself. And that’s a hell of lot more important than getting a follow-up text after a first date.

Sometimes this rejection happens after some time has passed. Like when you’re putting a puzzle together and you wedge a piece into place until eventually, you’re forced to admit that it doesn’t fit.

This type of rejection really is a blessing. You’re not wasting time on a person that isn’t a good match for you.

 

2 – They Are Unhappy With Themselves

Buckle up.

This is a biggie.

And so very common with people that end up cheating on their partners. Which, of course, brings with it a hefty serving of rejection.

When people are not in touch with their emotions, they become aware of their unhappiness, but they struggle to pinpoint its cause. And since it’s uncomfortable to look within and take responsibility for their own state of mind, they look to external causes.

So, tag. You’re it.

Sometimes this manifests as projection, as they paint you with everything they are struggling with themselves. Other times it may be more complex – depression, anxiety or addiction causing them to retreat. And then as the relationship suffers from a lack of attention, they blame you for being the wrong person.

This type of rejection is especially painful. At some level, you release that it’s pointless. That their snipe hunt for happiness won’t take them anywhere worth going. At the same time, it’s frustrating because you want to help them and once you’ve been rejected, you lose any influence you once had.

The biggest lesson here is not to take on their unhappiness. That is not your burden to bear. You cannot help them, so focus on your own recovery.

 

3 – They’re Bored

When we’re kids, we build up the idea of adulthood – “I’m going to stay up all night, eat junk food whenever I want and I’m going to become a [fill-in-the-blank with some high-impact, low imagined stress, big bucks kind of career].”

And then at some point in adulthood, we’re left thinking, “Is this all there is?”

Because no matter what we have going on, we are all creatures of habit. And habits inevitably become boring.

So sometimes you’re rejected because your partner has become bored. Restless. They want to throw everything out and start fresh.

Which I think is an urge we can all relate to on some level. Yet we don’t all indulge it in a reckless and selfish way.

This type of rejection really is about them. They’re not willing or able to engage with you as a team to explore how to bring more excitement into your lives. Instead, they’re taking the nuclear option and you’re in the blast zone.

Use this (unwanted but gifted) opportunity to shake up your own life. Besides, getting out of your comfort zone is a great way to rebuild your confidence after you’ve been rejected.

 

4 – Your Paths Have Diverged

How many of your friends from middle school are you still in touch with? And those that you no longer see, is that because they’re miserable people? Or unlovable?

Or simply becomes you’ve moved on in different directions?

Of course, it is infinitely more painful when your partner’s path diverges from yours. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

From What Makes a Marriage Successful:

I’ve always found it funny/sad how we classify marital success purely by its duration. I mean, imagine if we applied this same metric to other areas of our lives –

She was a really great student – she was in school for fifty years!

He was an amazing dog, but he was a failure as a pet because he died before he turned ten.

It was a wonderful dinner. The service was so slow that the meal lasted for hours!

I’m afraid I have to give the book only one star because it ended.

Pretty crazy, huh?

So why do we then so easily apply this faulty logic to marriages? Classifying them as failures if they end and successes if they persist?

 

This type of rejection is a loss, a mourning. Yet it may also be the right – and brave – call to make. Sometimes it’s best to finish the meal before it spoils and hold the experience in memory.

 

5 – They Are Attempting to Avoid the Work of Relationships

When the honeymoon period ends, the real relationship begins.

ALL relationships of any duration and authenticity require effort. Sacrifice. Compromise and communication.

And some people are just lazy. Or deluded.

So when a relationship hits that first gravel road of reality after the open highway, they decide that a new ride will smooth everything over.

This type of rejection is a reality-check. You deserve someone who will fight with you when life becomes tough. Instead, you’ve learned how they “handle” problems.

Your lesson here? Pay close attention with your next relationship. Look for courage, persistence and a good grounding in reality. You want the iron horse that can go the distance, not the shiny trinket that will soon tarnish.

 

6 – They’re Experiencing Shame

Shame says, “If you see me. Really see me. You won’t love me.”

And so when someone is in the depths of shame, they often reject others who get too close out of a fear of being seen – and rejected – themselves.

This rejection is tragic. They’re setting you out at the very time they need support and love the most. Yet the more you push for them to open up, the tighter they coil around themselves.

This is an opening that can only be done on their schedule. And by rejecting you, they’ve told you not to put your life on hold while they try to sort theirs out.

Depending upon the circumstances, you may be receptive to a reunion down the road if they do their own healing work. Or, you may decide that it’s too painful and you need to move on. Both are okay.

It is not your job to fix them. That’s the enduring lesson here. Oxygen mask and all that jazz.

 

You’ve been rejected.

It hurts.

It’s confusing.

And it’s scary being alone.

And yes, there may be some painful truths in the rejection that you need to accept. At the same time, don’t be so quick to assume all culpability. More often than not, the reality is somewhere in the middle.

 

I want to leave you with this, the mantra that I recited to myself every night after my husband abandoned me –

Never allow one person to determine your worth.

They may have rejected you. Don’t make the mistake of rejecting yourself.

 

Want more? Just Because it Happened TO You, Does Not Mean it Happened BECAUSE of You

Four Surprising Emotions You May Experience When You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheated on

Shock?

Check.

 

Anger?

In droves.

 

Sadness?

The tears were surely a testament to that.

 

Fear of what was to come?

In every moment.

 

Before I had been on the receiving end of infidelity, I imagined that I would respond to the news that someone had cheated on me with anger, misery and a deep sense of betrayal. And when I did eventually encounter infidelity, those anticipated feelings were definitely present. But they weren’t alone.

These four emotions caught me by surprise after I was cheated on:

 

Relief

 

When evidence of a jewelry purchase appeared on the account activity, the first emotion I experienced was one of relief. For months, I had been experiencing an undercurrent of anxiety, a low-level hum that indicated that something in my life wasn’t calibrated correctly. My then-husband’s sudden exit with a brusque text message confirmed that my subconscious was indeed onto something. Yet, it was only with the discovery of the affair in the days after the text, that the pieces began to fall into place.

 

Relief is the last emotion I would have expected to feel upon the discovery that my husband was cheating. Yet the sense of release was unmistakable. I felt reassured that I wasn’t going crazy; the cause of my anxiety was finally revealed. Even as I struggled to accept the horrific truths, I found comfort in the fact that they had been brought to light. After all, an adversary you can see is less frightening than the one hiding in the shadows.

 

It is often the case that the betrayed partner has a sense that something is wrong in the marriage. However, due to the cheating partner’s efforts to keep their transgressions hidden and the betrayed spouse’s fear of facing the truth, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what is amiss. The discovery of the affair is conformation that something is wrong and it helps to provide an explanation for the words and actions that may have been misaligned.

 

The discovery of an affair is sickening, a sucker-punch to the heart that may well bring you to your knees. Yet alongside the grief and anger, you may just find yourself relieved to finally know the truth. There is pain, but now it is in the light.

 

 

Sympathy

 

I had no reason to feel sorry for him.

 

He had been lying for years, stealing my money, my heart and my trust. He ended the marriage in the most cruel and cowardly manner possible and then led a fabrication-fueled offensive against me in court. One the one hand, I hated him, this man who had turned from my protector to my persecutor. Yet at the same time, I felt sympathy for him, the man whom I had loved and wanted to see happy.

 

I envisioned him lost, hurting and confused. I wanted to provide comfort, reassurance. I simply couldn’t shut off all of the concern that I held for him; caring for him was a deeply-ingrained habit if nothing else.  And then reality would intrude again, and the empathy and compassion would be replaced with indignation and a desire for justice.  

 

As is common with cheaters and abusers, he tried to cultivate sympathy, both from me and from others. His hand held several victim cards, and he played them carefully, both to distract from his actions and to gain favor for his benefit. Interestingly, this “poor me” act had the opposite effect on me; the more he tried to garner commiseration, the less I felt sorry for him.

 

Many cheaters cry crocodile tears and make pleas of “needing to find their happiness” in an attempt to continue their actions and to continue to avoid the consequences. They may bring up stories of childhood trauma, times they have been betrayed or claim misery at work or home. If these appeals for sympathy are unaccompanied by a claim of responsibility for their choices, they are using your kindness and tendency to nurture against you.

 

From an outsider’s perspective, sympathy for the betrayer makes no sense. Yet from the inside, the emotional response is often not so clear-cut.  After all, this was a person whom you loved. You’re probably struggling to understand how they could do these things to you and you may see them as operating under extreme duress, as though their own mind was holding a gun to their back, ordering these out-of-character actions. They may even be using your sympathy to manipulate you, knowing that if you feel compassion towards them, you’ll be less likely to enforce consequences.

 

In the beginning, you may find yourself swinging between a need to make them pay and a desire to soothe their pain. In the long run, you can find a balance between sympathy and rage. From a place of detached compassion, you can begin to find peace and some sense of understanding while maintaining the necessary boundaries that will keep you safe.

 

 

Self-doubt

 

“Living with her was impossible,” my then-husband expressed about me in an email to my mother. “She was always negative and nothing was ever enough for her.” Even though I knew his words were woven from fabrications and projections, they still filled me with a sense of doubt. Was I always negative? Was I impossible to live with?

 

I learned that he had long ago paved the way for his friends to believe his version. At work, he told outrageous (and completely invented) stories of my transgressions and irrational demands. Further complicating matters, upon learning about his rapid and covert exit, others assumed that I must have done something terrible in order for him to act in such an extreme manner.

 

I knew all of these claims were false. I had years of emails, notes and photos to counteract many of the lies and countless friends and coworkers that fully had my back. His lies rose to absurd levels and often contradicted each other.

 

Yet still I wondered. Somehow still believing his self-serving lies even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

 

Because that’s the power of gaslighting. It turns your world upside down while you’re simultaneously being told that you’re just seeing things. It plants seeds of doubt deep within your brain that spread their tenacious tendrils of uncertainty months and even years into the future.

 

Gaslighting is frequently used as a manipulation tactic to try to distract from and excuse an affair. In addition to the self-confidence blow delivered by being rejected, gaslighting can lead to a major crisis in your ability to trust yourself and your perceptions. So you can find yourself in the crazy-making place of questioning your own character when it was your spouse that made the decision to betray the vows.

 

 

Mania

 

I pursued the facts with the tenacity of a dog attempting to reach the last bit of peanut butter from the bottom of the jar. Nights found me at my computer instead of my bed, diligently building a case against my husband until it filled the better part of a large plastic bin.

 

As the court process slowly made its way to a conclusion, I transferred my energy to running. Then, to dating. And once I found a groove there, I focused my endless energy on moving into an apartment and creating my new space.

 

Others questioned where I found the reserves to keep moving. I questioned if I would ever be able to stop. I felt consumed by this manic and all-consuming energy, an unexpected side effect of the betrayal and abandonment.

 

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else.

 

This mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because it’s compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Like with any mania, it’s hard to see the bigger picture while you’re in it. Especially because it feels better than being sad and powerless. And also like any mania, it’s unbalanced. Too much yang and not enough yin.

 

Ultimately, there is no “right” way to feel after betrayal. The emotions will be strong and sometimes unexpected. They will tumble over each other and trip you up in the process. You’ll have moments of overwhelming pain and glimpses of radiant hope. And most importantly, no matter how overwhelming or surprising those emotions are, you WILL make it through.

 

 

 

Pep Talk

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m feeling anxious today.

But before I get to that, I have to share with you a few pictures from my spring break this year. It was the inaugural trip with a dear friend of mine (even though I lived with her for the better part of year after my divorce, we have never had the opportunity to travel together).

Since she has had a HARD couple of years and has an elementary-aged daughter that keeps her busy, I gave her the choice of locations. After giving up on the Everglades for being too far, we settled on the Okefenokee Swamp. Which, as it turns out, is absolutely stunning, especially before the heat has settled in.

It was an amazing trip. The best part was simply the time with my friend to decompress and catch up with no external pressures.

The swamp was amazing, but I think my favorite times were evening nibbles out on the dock outside of our cabin (Seriously, this cabin was amazing. Hit me up if you need a place to stay near Valdosta, Georgia and I’ll put you in touch).

On one of those meandering conversations, my friend mentioned that my ex-husband’s picture appeared on her “suggested friends” list on Facebook. It wasn’t his profile, rather he was pictured with a woman that Facebook decided my friend might know.

Let me explain why this is unsettling. At the time of the divorce, I had no social media and neither, as far as I know, did my ex-husband (or, if he did, it was under some other identity). I have never befriended anybody from his life on social media and in almost ten years, I have never had that world intrude on mine.

However, since there apparently must be some connection between my ex’s current female companion (which was NOT the other wife, according to my friend) and my close friend, there are now fewer than seven degrees of separation between us.

Ugh.

I don’t like the feeling of that. And, perhaps most unsettling, it’s made me tempted to look him up for the first time in over nine years. I won’t give into the urge, but I really, really, really don’t like that I’m feeling it. (And as an aside, I feel for the other woman; I hope she’s okay.)

But that’s still not the root of the anxiety.

In a few hours, I’m heading into town to go to a beer festival.

Sounds fun, right?

Well, it should be. But I’m also anxious that I’m going to run into him.

The last time I spoke with him was almost ten years ago. The last time I saw him was just under six. At a festival. In town. Here’s my post about the experience and here’s my reaction once the shock had faded.

My reaction surprised me. Scratch that. The sheer intensity of my reaction scared me.

And so with him more on mind than I’d like and heading into a similar situation, I’m afraid that I may see him again. Actually, I’m afraid of my reaction if I see him again.

I like to think I’ve moved on. That he doesn’t impact me anymore. And for the most part, that’s true. But if I see him, I may just find out otherwise – that there is still trauma in my body waiting to be released.

So I’m anxious.

And giving myself a pep talk –

“It’s okay if you see him. It does not change anything. Even if he is in town, he is not in your life. You have no connections with him anymore; he cannot hurt you. Those reactions you’re having are not due to him in the present, they are simply aftershocks from the earthquake so long ago. You are stronger now then you were then. Wiser. And you know that this will fade. Keep breathing. You got this.”