Two Truths You Need to Know If You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1 – It’s Not Your Fault

It had only been a couple weeks since I had discovered that my then-husband had been courting others. I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, anticipating the results of the humiliating tests that you have to submit to after finding out that confidence you placed in monogamy was ill-advised. Adding insult to injury, the magazine at the top of the coffee table stack seemed to be taunting me with its headline – “Five Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage.” How was it that I was the one who felt shamed and stigmatized when he was the one who cheated?

I have since learned, through hundreds of exchanged with betrayed spouses, that this sense of blame and embarrassment is far from uncommon.

There are many reasons that the betrayed often blame themselves for their partner’s infidelity. First, it’s challenging not to interpret the straying as a personal rejection, especially because it comes from someone who claimed to both know and love you. As you struggle to find some sense of understanding about why this happened, it’s often easier to settle on your own perceived shortcomings than to accept that sometimes answers remain elusive.

It’s a misconception that affairs only occur in bad marriages. Many people who cheat claim that they love their spouse, love their marriage. Yet, either for the thrill, the opportunity or the search for something they’re missing, they elect to stray. And for the one who was betrayed, it’s important to realize that just because it happened toyou, it does not mean that it happened becauseof you. You didn’t make them cheat and, in most cases, you could not have prevented them from cheating. Regardless of their motivations, your spouse’s actions reveal more about them than about you.

 

In addition to your own sense of fault, you may face accusations from others. The cheating partner often utilizes projection and blame both in attempt to distract from their misdeeds and in order to reduce their own sense of guilt and shame. They may pepper you with statements along the lines of, “If only you would have…” and “I wouldn’t have needed to cheat if you…” These claims not only shift the responsibility of the affair to the betrayed partner, they also frequently minimize any deception that occurred, asserting that the spouse “must have known” what was occurring.

When these allegations bombard you, take a moment to remind yourself of the motivations behind these claims. Your ex is basically acting like the guilty child blaming the dog when the cookies go missing; they will likely point the finger anywhere rather than where it belongs. Rather than allowing their choices to challenge their self-perception of themselves as a “good person,” they will frequently paint their partner as “the bad guy.” Also, consider that you weren’t given the opportunity to respond from a place of full knowledge; you can’t be expected to meet your partner’s needs when they’re burying their desires behind their lies. In some cases, this manipulation began long before the affair(s) even started, using gaslighting to slowly undermine their partner’s sense of reality.

The external blame can also come from those outside the marriage. Assumptions will be made and accusations formulated about how you must have been a sub-par spouse in order for your partner to step out. These assertions, especially when they come from friends and family, are blows upon already bruised skin. These claims, much like the magazine headline that taunted me with my failure to “affair-proof” my marriage, are coming from a need for the world to be a fair and orderly place. People desperately want to believe that if they do good, good will be returned to them. They find it easier to accuse the betrayed spouse than to accept that infidelity could pay a visit to their marital bed.

When you’re trying to find your way after the discovery of infidelity, it’s okay to limit your exposure to those who do not support you. Surround yourself with people who refrain from assigning blame and who empower you to find your truth and rebuild your life.

 

2 – You Have Everything You Need

 I remember a strange sense of relief coming over me when I discovered that my then-husband had been leading a secret life. Even as my world collapsed and everything I had was swept away, I felt a sort of serenity building beneath the storm. For years, I had been unknowingly living a lie, an unknowing participant in a made-for-television drama. At some level, I must have been aware of this tension, the constant incongruity between what I thought and what I was living.

And so once the horrific truth came to light, I suddenly felt a sense of power for the first time in years. Now that I knew the facts, I could make choices. Instead of being tossed around by the winds spun by his lies, I was finally able to stand alone and see my life clearly. I had been granted an opportunity to live authentically.

There is often a sense of powerlessness that comes with the discovery of infidelity. You couldn’t prevent them from cheating. You can’t stop them from seeing others. You can’t control how the affair partner responds to the revelation of the infidelity. You can’t pressure your ex to explain their motivations or to address their deep-seated issues. And you can’t force them to apologize or to try to make amends.

We all-too-easily focus on what we can’t control. We obsess over the details of the affair. We desperately search for explanations and meaning in the betrayal.  We believe that maybe our ex will again become the person we once thought they were. We convince ourselves that we need an apology.

Yet we don’t need the one that harmed us to be the one to save us.

In fact, everything we need, we already have.

Now that you know the truth, you are able to see yourself as you are, not as you have been led to believe.

The lies have been washed away. Acceptance of those things you cannot change has been reached. And what you’re left with is your truth. You’ve been betrayed. And now you decide what will be revealed.

 

Twenty Tiny Tweaks to Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is completely overwhelming. It tasks you with legal proceedings, life restructuring and relationship renegotiation all while you’re just trying not to drown in your own tears. Some days, getting through it all feels impossible.  Luckily, there are some small adjustments that you can make that have influence beyond the investment of time and energy that they require.

1 – Change your passwords and your wallpaper.

Let your passwords be your personal mantra. When you have to type, “InHale C0nFideNce ExHale D0uBt” several times a day, you begin to believe it. While you’re reorganizing your digital home, take a moment to update wallpapers and backgrounds as well.

2 – Post a happy photo of yourself before you met your ex.

You WERE happy before you met your ex. Find a picture that proves it. Post it in a prominent location and let it be your reminder that you can be happy without them again. If you’re feeling brave, maybe even make it your profile image.

3 – Alter your surroundings.

Move furniture. Remove photos and mementos. Flip your mattress or even change out your bed. Small changes in your environment can pay dividends in keeping you from fixating on what is missing. And while you’re at it, make sure to include a dash of something beautiful as a reminder that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

4 – Add short bursts of intense exercise.

You know what you’re not doing while you’re struggling to breathe through an exercise? Thinking about your divorce. In addition, intense exercise trains your brain to adapt to discomfort and also has the added benefit of releasing feel-good hormones.

5 – Dress to impress.

This is a version of fake it until you make it. You may feel like crap, but you don’t have to wallow in it by continuously broadcasting it. Make an effort to look put together, at least on most days. It really does change how you feel.

6 – Find your vision image.

What does happy look like to you? How will you know when you’ve moved on? Find an image that captures this idea for you. Save it. Use it as your inspiration.

7 – Compose your elevator speech.

In the beginning, it can be impossible to separate the facts from the emotion. Simply explaining to the pediatrician that your spouse now has different contact information can cause the gut to drop. Compose a short, one to two-sentence speech that explains your circumstances. Rehearse it until it becomes boring and you can say it without feeling it.

8 – Create a manageable and unrelated goal.

I actually created a list of ten goals during my divorce, everything from making a new friend to running a race. Divorce is long, nonlinear and often messy. It’s helpful to have a manageable goal to pull your energies and attentions while you’re feeling as though you’re in limbo.

9 – Write it before you speak it.

The pain, fear and anger of divorce can lead to some ugly thoughts. And if you express those in the wrong company or in the wrong forum, the results can make your situation even worse. So buy yourself a journal and make a vow to write out those thoughts before – or instead – of voicing them.

10 – Practice mindfulness for 5 minutes a day.

Download a mediation app or find a short guided mindfulness practice on YouTube. Then, set a reminder to spend 5 minutes a day focusing on your breath. The practice will help you find your calm in the midst of the storm.

11 – Write a thank you note.

Take a few minutes to express your appreciation for someone in your life. You’ll brighten theirs and expand yours.

12 – Acknowledge your choices.

Divorce leaves you feeling powerless. To help recognize the control you do have, make an effort to acknowledge your choices in every challenging situation. Your ex is late picking up the kids again? You can respond in frustration, you can type out a calm email, you can begin collecting evidence for the courts or you can let it go. The action is out of your hands. Your reaction is not.

13 – Orchestrate a new beginning.

This can be as small as planting a seed. Or starting a new series.  Or signing up for a class. It can be personal or part of something larger. Maybe you dedicate some time to volunteering at the local NICU, providing comfort to the fragile young babies. Perhaps you spend a Saturday helping Habitat for Humanity build a new home for a deserving family.

14 – Limit social media time.

I really wish that Facebook had personalized feed filters so that those facing infertility could elect out of seeing baby posts and those experiencing divorce would be excused from the engagement announcements. But until that time, be conservative with your use of social media.

15 – Take a chance and try something new.

Maybe it’s a new haircut. Or a new restaurant. Or an activity that you never envisioned yourself doing. Do something a little bit different. This is an opportunity to break out of the mold that you have previously filled.

16 – Find a mentor.

Find somebody you admire who has been through adversity. It can a person in your life, a famous individual (living or deceased) or even a fictional character. Let them guide and inspire you.

17 – Clean out a closet.

Purge the old. Rediscover lost treasures. Clear the clutter so that you can see what you’re working with. Start fresh.

18 – Start a gratitude challenge.

Today, write down one thing you’re grateful for. Tomorrow, add another. See how many consecutive days you can go adding to the list.

19 – Schedule weekly smiles.

Make a commitment to schedule one thing every week that makes you smile – a walk in the park, a pedicure, a coffee from your favorite shop. It doesn’t have to be big, just something that ignites, even briefly, a sense of joy or contentment.

20 – Call your grandmother.

Or a grandmother stand-in. Talk to somebody that has lived many chapters and seen many endings. Listen to their stories of life’s trials and joys. Find comfort in their perspective and hope in their tales of adaptation and perseverance. Because this divorce is a chapter of your life, not the entire story.

Can People Cheat on Someone They Love?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite the mental conundrum – they claim to love you and yet they have been the source of your greatest pain. Does this mean that the love was a lie? Were they merely stringing you along in order to get what they wanted? Or, did they somehow manage to both love you and betray you?

There is no argument that choosing to cheat is both cruel and cowardly, a selfish act that leaves deep and lasting wounds in the ones betrayed. It is never the right choice and once made, it can never be undone.

Yet, one question remains. Can somebody cheat on the one they love? Or, does the act of cheating indicate that love was never present in the relationship?

 

Are love and infidelity mutually exclusive?

 

I don’t believe they are. While cheating highlights many flaws in someone’s character or coping mechanisms, I don’t think that it necessarily indicates that a person is incapable of love.

It’s difficult to accept this when we’re the ones betrayed. After all, the discovery of betrayal is the furthest from an act of loving kindness that we can imagine. Taking it a step further, proclaiming to love someone and continuing to hurt them (even behind their backs), is emotional abuse. So it’s no surprise that many of use reach the conclusion that the entirety of the relationship was a lie.

Yet life – and those of us trying to make through it the best that we can – rarely exist in those absolutes. And sometimes people act in opposition to their feelings for a variety of reasons –

 

Maladaptive Means of Protection

I think in his own twisted way, my husband was trying to protect me. He was depressed. Defeated. Scared and addicted. And I don’t think he wanted to burden me with his mental demons. So he pulled back, pulled the wool over my my eyes as he began to live two lives – one where he had to hide and another where he could play-act at being the man he wanted to be.

Others may be coming to terms with desires that they fear their partners will not accept, and so shame encourages them to stay silent as they believe that the truth would cause distress. “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them,” the cheating spouse says to themselves to excuse their behavior.

This motivator becomes a slippery slope as one lie inevitably leads to another because as the betrayals grow, so does the hurt that would come from its discovery. There is ego in this approach as one person becomes the defacto gatekeeper for the marriage, controlling what truths are revealed. It’s a situation where the perpetrator convinces themselves that they’re acting for the good of their partner, while at the same time, removing agency from their spouse.

 

Cognitive Dissonance

This powerful mental dance of self-preservation is responsible for many poor behaviors in people. On the front end of an affair, cognitive dissonance allows people to make decisions that put themselves in situations that can easily go too far. “I am a good person and so I would never cheat on my spouse,” the soon-to-be-cheater tells themselves as they begin to hide text messages from their partner.

And then as the choices begin to move into more blatant cheating, cognitive dissonance creates a blackout around the source of distress. They try not to think about what they are doing, acting more on instinct and self-preservation than deliberate planning. They simply cannot see what they are doing and hold onto their own self-image at the same time. So they keep their eyes closed.

These are the cheaters that may even act confused when they’re eventually caught. “How did I get here?” they wonder. Cognitive dissonance can also result in the cheater directing the blame outward, pointing fingers at the affair partner that seduced them or the unsuspecting spouse who wasn’t fulfilling their needs in some way.

 

Compartmentalization

These cheaters convince themselves that this thing has nothing to do with that. They see cheating, as long it is kept hidden, as being entirely separate from the marriage and their spouse. In some marriages, this filing system is aboveboard and accepted. But when one person is electing to erect walls that inevitably impact another, it is a betrayal of trust and autonomy.

Sometimes compartmentalization is necessary and healthy. It’s what allows doctors to keep their cool in the emergency room and allows parents to set aside their own distress to tend to that of their children. Yet when compartmentalization occurs in an attempt to avoid discomfort or discovery, it is not an appropriate use of the strategy.

And when it comes to affairs, any belief that that the actions of the cheater have no impact on the marriage or the spouse as long as they are hidden is a complete fabrication. Because whatever you nurture, grows. So when one spouse’s attention is turned outside the marriage, the marriage will ultimately suffer.

 

Rationalization

“The attention I get from my affair partner makes me a better spouse.”

“My spouse doesn’t want sex anyways, so it doesn’t matter if I cheat.”

“I love my spouse, but they wouldn’t accept this side of me. I’m doing what’s best for them.”

All of these beliefs and more can be used to try to justify the cheating. As nonsensical as it seems from the outside, these mental gymnastics can make complete sense to the one choreographing the excuses.

The use of rationalizations indicate a person who is not very self-aware and who is also uncomfortable confronting any hard truths. They are deceiving themselves as well as you.

 

Low Self-Worth

Sometimes an affair is a sign that someone doesn’t love themselves, not that they don’t love you. When self-worth is low, they are going to seek validation and acceptance from wherever they can. Even if that means it’s coming from outside the marriage.

 

On the one hand, it feels good to believe that you were loved (even as you’re reeling from the pain). On the other hand, it’s difficult (if not impossible) to comprehend how somebody could cause so much pain to someone they loved. And so wondering if the love was real becomes simply one more thing in the long list of uncertainties that cheating forces you to accept.

And finally…

Even if they do love you, that is not a reason to tolerate bad behavior. And even if you still love them, that alone is not a reason to stay.

 

 

See the video that spurred the whole debate – Is it possible for somebody to cheat on someone they love?

 

Five Eye-Opening Truths About Divorcing With Kids

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There’s a lot you know about how to divorce with kids. Yet there are some realities that still may surprise you. Are you aware of these five eye-opening truths?

 

You know not to alienate the children from their other parent.

From the day this all began, you vowed to not withhold the children from your ex. And you’ve stuck to your word, fulfilling every scheduled visit and being careful not to not restrict access.

Yet you’re starting to see that access isn’t enough to maintain a parent/child bond and you’re worried for the kids as you see the distance growing between them and their other parent.

So you try to step in, to encourage the kids to connect and to compel your ex to put forth more effort into establishing a relationship. You beg, you implore, you question and you grow increasingly frustrated at the situation. You struggle to understand why they’re not prioritizing the kids and every time you see your kids disappointed, your heart breaks a little more.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –  

You can’t create, maintain or improve the children’s relationship with the other parent. All you can do is provide access and refrain from mudslinging. The rest of the work is up to them.

What you can do is to continue to be there for your children and reassure them that their parent’s behavior is not their fault or their responsibility. You can teach them empathy and help them understand that even adults struggle to manage things sometimes.

Your ex may step up and form a relationship with the kids sooner rather than later. They may keep their distance for a time, only to develop a meaningful bond with their adult children. Or, as much as it pains you, they may never connect with their children. Let go of the illusion of control over that outcome.

 

You know not to badmouth your ex in front of the kids.

Chapter 1 of How to Divorce With Kids is, “Don’t badmouth your ex in front of the kids.” Everyone knows it and most try to follow this guideline, setting aside their own feelings for the sake of the kids.

So you bite your tongue when little ears are listening and save your tirades for more private times. You carefully craft your responses to difficult questions to avoid implicating your ex.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

You have to make an effort to not compromise your ex’s new partner in the minds of the kids. Which, in cases where this new partner entered the picture before you left, is a very difficult task to manage.

But it’s important. For you, this other person embodies all of the bitterness and sorrow you feel, becoming more of a monster and less of a person. Yet for your kids, this person is another (perhaps significant) adult in their lives, someone they have to negotiate a relationship with and perhaps even learn to accept as a future stepparent.

When you allow your feelings for your ex’s partner to show (even if they’re un-vocalized), it creates confusion and tension for your kids. On the one hand, they want to be loyal and supportive of you and on the other hand, they don’t want conflict with their other parent.

No, it’s not easy and it’s often not fair. But your kids are worth the effort. So strive to separate what the other partner represents to you from who they are to your kids.

 

You know not to place the blame on the kids.

Children have a tendency to internalize everything. So it’s common that when they learn of the impending divorce, they think that it must be due to their refusal to go to bed on time last week or the tantrum they threw in the check-out line at the grocery store. And you know to reassure them that they are not at fault, that these are adult problems between mommy and daddy and that both of their parents love them so very much.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

One of the biggest struggles after divorce is the rediscovery of your purpose and when you’re a parent, that role and by extension, your children, fill that need nicely. Of course your kids are your biggest priority, but you have to be careful after divorce not to make them your only concern.

When the kids become your sole purpose for moving on and pushing through, you’re inadvertently putting all of the responsibility for your well-being on their tiny shoulders.

And that’s a huge burden for them to bear. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself while also looking out for them. Model for them what true independence and perseverance look like. In the end, that will serve them better than you existing only to fill their needs.

 

You know to be available to talk when the kids are ready.

You end the dreaded “We’re getting a divorce announcement with, “I’m here whenever you need to talk.” And you mean those words. You frequently check in with your children and you’re ready to drop everything and listen whenever they’re in the mood to open up.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

Especially if your children are in or approaching double-digit ages, you may not be their preferred go-to when they are struggling with the divorce. It’s important for you to provide access to other safe adults for them to talk to and to let them know that it’s okay for them to open up.

It can be stressful to think about the details of your divorce from your child’s perspective being shared, but if you deliver the message that the topic is taboo, it breeds a sense of shame and secrecy in the kids.

It is more important that your children are able to talk through their fears and concerns with somebody than it is for that somebody to be you or for you to control what information is revealed.

 

You know that your divorce impacts the kids.

Children need a sense of security and stability and divorce threatens both. Inevitably, children are affected when their parents separate. 

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

When you focus too much on the strain and impact of the situation, you may be unintentionally promoting a sense of victimhood in your children. Too much emphasis on what happened emphasizes the lack of control the kids have over the situation and gives them the feeling that they are damaged. Perhaps permanently.

Instead, focus on building grit. Share stories of overcoming adversity. Model and vocalize the power of choice in any situation. Acknowledge the impact the divorce has had on them yet also refuse to allow them to be defined by that singular event.

Fortitude and a sense of power over their own well-being are two of the biggest gifts you can give your children. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.

7 Reasons to Cross a Finish Line During Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is often a long process. Apart from assembling the required documentation, writing checks to your attorney and making the requisite trips to IKEA (where you fight with college kids over the practical and value-minded inventory), you end up spending a lot of that time simply waiting.

Waiting for your divorce to be final.

Waiting for the legal approval to make changes to your name, your accounts and maybe your living situation.

Waiting for the uncertainty and the pain to end.

And maybe even waiting to live.

Let’s face it – waiting sucks. Feeling helpless sucks. Feeling insecure and lost as you tentatively start your new sucks.

And you know what can help all of that suck a little less?

A finish line.

No, really.

I had no business signing up for a half marathon.

But I did it anyway.

I was a late-in-life runner, never even attempting it until my thirtieth birthday. I started out on a quarter mile track, making it only halfway around on my first attempt. I stayed with it over the next two years, slowly adding distance until I could comfortably run five miles.

I was satisfied with my routine and I would always laugh off any suggestions that I should sign up for a race.

Until my ex left.

Then, suddenly, I was fixated on the idea of signing up for a race. And even though I really had no business attempting a thirteen mile distance, the decision ended up being one of the best I made throughout my divorce. Because doing something with a finish line has benefits well beyond the obvious.

Don’t worry if you’re not a runner. You can approach a finish line on wheels, on water or even just by walking. If that does not appeal, enroll in a course that ends with a certification. Sign up for a class that has a culminating project or presentation.  Build or create something that has a clear point where you can say you’re done. The only requirements are that it is something that takes time, commitment and sustained effort and concludes with a defined end.

Here’s what you can expect to gain once you cross your own finish line:

Positive Focus

Maintaining a good attitude is the single most important attribute during divorce. And it’s also the hardest. The goal of a finish line helps to keep your attentions turned towards something encouraging and attainable.

Confidence

The rejection and stigma associated with divorce can do a number on your self-assurance. The only way to truly build confidence is to accomplish something that you find challenging. Each step that you take towards your own finish line will be a step towards a stronger and more optimistic you.

 

Momentum

First divorce kicks you down. And then inertia keeps you down. A finish line gives you a reason to get up. Motivation to keep moving. Structure to keep you honest. And progress to keep you encouraged.

Goal Rehearsal

Many post-divorce goals feel impossibly huge – new home, new budget, somehow raising good kids and surviving single parenting and maybe even finding new love. A finish line is like life, simplified. It’s practice working towards and reaching a goal that is smaller in scope and short in duration before you tackle the bigger aspirations.

 

Revived Identity

Before the divorce, “husband” or “wife” was probably a substantial component of your identity. And now there’s a void, an opening. When you sign up for something with a finish line, you’re assuming a new identity, whether it be runner or scholar, and along the way, finding your new tribe.

Limits Unhealthy Behaviors

It’s easy to turn to destructive habits in an attempt to manage the difficult emotions that arise during divorce. The structure and accountability of a finish line offers some resistance to the pull of the next drink, another doughnut or just one more hour of Netflix.

 

Positive Transformation

Divorce changes you. You can’t stop the transformation, but you can direct it. Your efforts towards your finish line are making you stronger, more confident, more capable and more humble. Each step is one step closer to a new you. A better you.

 

 

The day of my first half-marathon dawned cold and wet. I was excited and nervous in equal measure. My body ran the first part of the race, until my limbs started to fail. Then my mind picked up and completed the event, running on pure tenacity and determination.

By the time the finish line was in sight, I was depleted. Those last few steps felt like an impossibility. Yet somehow I made it across. I turned to look back, my tears meeting the rain streaming down my face.

I made it. I was on the other side.

And in that moment, I knew I could make it to the other side of my divorce as well.