Four Things You DON’T Need to Move On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often get in our own way after divorce, desperately wanting a way out from the pain while at the same time telling ourselves stories that only serve to hold us in the flames. I convinced myself myself that I needed everything from a jail sentence for him to an apology for me, all while ignoring the power that I held within myself.

 

In Order to Move On, You DON’T Need –

 

Justice

Justice looks differently for all of us. It may center on a certain ruling from the court or a visit from karma, putting your ex in a position similar to the one you’ve faced. Regardless of the specifics, a desire for justice is really a need for fairness. We’ve been knocked down and we want the fulcrum to shift the other way.

Chasing fairness is a form of chasing the dragon; no matter what you score, it will never be enough to meet the need. No consequence will undo the pain you feel and no repercussions will satisfy. And here’s the brutal truth – if they escape without a scratch, it does not prevent you from moving forward. But if you fixate on waiting for them to pay, you’re tethering your future happiness to their circumstances.

Instead of wishing them ill, shift your focus to being the best you. After all, there is no better revenge than living well. And if your ex happens to notice how awesome you’ve become and regrets their decision? Even better:)

 

An Apology

Those of us that have been cheated on or abandoned without so much as an insincere “sorry” casually tossed out over a departing shoulder have a tendency to give apologies almost a mythical standing. They become the holy grail of divorce, convincing us that once secured, we will find everlasting life.

I used to feel this way. And then I talked to a woman who got an apology. Several, in fact. And they were insightful and sincere, as her ex took full responsibility for hurting her and expressed true remorse for his actions. And you know what? She was still stuck. She got what she thought she needed and then when it didn’t work to relieve the pain, she became even more distraught.

It gave me pause. And then it made me angry. At myself. Why was I still allowing him to have this much power over me? I made up my mind in that moment to learn how to accept the apology I never received. 

 

Understanding

One of the most powerful realizations I had when healing from divorce – I’ll never be able to understand what my ex did because it is not something I could ever do. That single thought released months of anguished questioning and searching for answers that remained elusive.

Divorce is not a class in university. There is no final exam where you have to correctly identify the motivations behind your ex’s actions before you’re allowed to move on with your life. It’s okay to say, “I have no idea” and close the book on that chapter.

 

Closure

There’s no finish line. No “done” stamp. No graduation ceremony. We have this image of there being a defined end to the pain once we collect all of the missing pieces. As though divorce is some sort of video game quest where the end credits roll once you have located the last of the items.

Spoiler alert – it isn’t.

Closure isn’t a destination. It’s more of a choice. A choice that has to be made every day when you decide where you’re going to put your energy. Whatever you nurture, grows.

Here’s What You ACTUALLY Need to Move On –

 

Belief in Yourself

If you believe you can’t, you’re right. It all starts with your belief that you can be happy again. That there is more meaningful life ahead and, this is the most important part, that you have what you need to make that happen. You are not responsible for what happened to you, but where you go from here is up to you.

 

Time

You can’t force healing. It will take time for you to stand up again, much less take those first steps as am independent person. Give yourself the time and space needed. Divorce is a major loss of the past that is now in question, the present that has become unfamiliar and the future which is now erased. Be patient with yourself.

 

Processing

Time isn’t enough on its own. If you avoid your emotions, you are simply delaying the healing. In order to move on, you have to first move through. Face your pain. Become familiar with your feelings. Work through any unhealthy responses and beliefs you’ve developed and put in the effort to learn how to do better. To have a better life, you have to first understand and accept yourself.

 

Determination

One of the reasons that we tell ourselves that we need these things from others is because the work to heal after divorce is so. damn. hard. It feels impossible and so we assume that we must be missing some critical piece to make it happen. And that’s where the determination comes in. You have to want it. And you have to be willing to work for it. And if you are, nothing can stop you.

I’m Not Going to Change Your Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So often we approach a conversation with the intention of trying to change somebody’s mind. We prepare to argue, to fight. To prove that we are right and, by extension, they are wrong.

What if instead, we approached with the intention of opening somebody’s mind? Of offering a different perspective. Adding to the dialog instead of trying to dominate the conversation.

And what if we had that same intention for ourselves? A shift from defending our views to expanding our minds. When listening becomes an act of curious investigation instead of gathering of evidence.

I don’t want to change your mind. I want to open it. And I want you to open mine in turn.

Feeling Alone in a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Many memories of my first marriage have faded over time. But there are some that are still as sharp and pointed as the day they occurred. This is one of those.

We sat in the 4th row in the left section of the movie theater. I was in the aisle seat and he was next to me. Prior to the movie, we had gone out to dinner at our version of “Cheers,” and like usual for us, had a great time without any discord or tension.

About twenty minutes into the movie, I looked over at his profile, the light from the film alternately revealing and highlighting the curve of his face. And even though he was inches away, even though we had not fought in any way, and even though he had hugged me while we waited in line to purchase the tickets, I felt like there was an impassable distance between us.

I looked around the theater and could sense the connections between the other patrons, like a web of string mapping out the relationships and bonds. And no string mapped to me. I wondered if it was noticeable to those around me. Could they sense the disconnection?

I felt alone.

Silent tears starting welling up in my eyes as I kept stealing glances at my husband. The man who had been my everything for fourteen years at that point. The man I knew better than anyone at that point. And the man that seemed like a stranger sitting uncomfortable close to me that night.

As I silently wept and continued to forgo the movie to try to puzzle through my emotions, he never looked over at me. This on its own was unusual, as he normally was quite affectionate. With the benefit of hindsight, I think he had an idea what I was sensing that night and he was actively working to pretend that it didn’t exist.

And so for an endless two hours, I sat alone with my husband. Feeling invisible.

Once the credits rolled, he smiled at me, squeezed my hand, and made a comment about the movie. He was back to pretending and I was back to believing.

Isn’t it wild how you can sit on a sofa by yourself and feel content, yet feel completely and utterly alone even when your partner occupies the adjacent seat?

That’s because feeling alone has little to do with the person physically by your side and everything to do with trusting that a person will stay by your side.

Sometimes the disconnection is overt, a partner resorting to the silent treatment or actively working to turn away. It’s a rejection. And you’re able to point to the source of the pain.

Other times, it’s more subtle. A feeling like even though you share a home, you’re living two different lives and looking out through two different windows. You’re going through the motions of doing this together, yet instead of feeling like a team, you feel like you only have yourself to count on.

And sometimes it’s situational. For example, grief is a highly personal experience. If the couple has experienced loss, it’s common for them both to feel alone because their partner is not grieving in the same way.

All relationships go through times of connection and times of disconnection. It’s normal to sometimes look at your partner and wonder, “Who even are you?” In healthy marriages, both partners acknowledge the distance and look for roads back to each other. One person can say, “I feel alone,” and the other will respond with, “What can I do to show you that you’re not.”

Feeling alone becomes a problem when it’s chronic, when it’s ignored or when the distance is created and maintained intentionally by one or both parties. And feeling alone can have some huge repercussions as it erodes your self-worth and leaves you with a low-level hum of constant rejection. Your body becomes more prone to illness as your brain begins to attack itself in an attempt to make sense of the emotional isolation.

 

If you’re feeling alone in your relationship, it’s time to look closer –

 

– Is your partner pulling away? Are their energies focused elsewhere?

-Are you the one creating distance? Maybe you want connection but you also fear getting too close and becoming vulnerable.

-Has there been a situation that only one of you is facing and the other has little experience with? Or, has there been a loss and you’re grieving in your own ways?

– Have you brought up how you’re feeling? If so, what was the reaction? Has there been any action (not just words) towards rebuilding connection?

-Are you putting all of your needs on your partner? Are you asking your partner to be something they’re not?

-Do you feel less alone when you’re away from your partner than when you’re with them? If so, that’s a very telling sign.

 

7 Reasons People Withdraw in a Relationship

 

It’s kinda funny isn’t it? How we stay in a relationship past its expiration date because we’re afraid of being alone, yet we tolerate feeling alone while in a relationship? And what’s even crazier that being alone by yourself (once you get over the fear of it) is SO much better than feeling alone while you have a ring on your finger.

 

5 Surprisingly Comforting Truths

Posted on by stilllearning2b

-1-

The hard truth – Knowing everything is an impossible goal.

 

Why it’s comforting –

Ever fall prey to analysis paralysis? Where you become so focused on trying to gather all of the information that you find it difficult to make a decision and take a step? This hard truth highlights the fruitless nature of that obsessive drive. Once you realize – and accept- that it is impossible to know everything, it’s easier to set a focus AND a limit on what you need to know. And then once that is reached, you move forward.

 

-2-

The hard truth – Mistakes are inevitable.

 

Why it’s comforting –

It’s stressful and exhausting trying to achieve perfection in everything that you do. When you give yourself permission to make mistakes, you free your energy towards better pursuits. Furthermore, when mistakes are seen as natural and inevitable, it becomes easier to avoid an emotional reaction to the mistake and take full advantage of the opportunity to learn to do better.

 

-3-

The hard truth – You will be disappointed and you will disappoint others.

 

Why it’s comforting –

Sometimes being disappointed can feel very personal, especially for those of us that have experienced betrayal. On the flip side, disappointing others when you sincerely tried can be a brutal gut punch with a heavy dose of guilt and shame. Yet when you consider those together, it helps to show that the occasional disappointment is normal and not a big deal. Keep your expectations in line with reality, handle disappointment with grace and act in accordance with your beliefs. And then let go of worrying about disappointment.

 

-4-

The hard truth – No number of people can make you feel loved if you don’t love yourself.

 

Why it’s comforting –

Guess who you always have by your side?

You!

You don’t need to be famous or have a ton of Instagram followers to feel loved and valued. You don’t even need a significant other. All you need to fully accept, embrace and celebrate yourself. The rest is gravy.

 

-5-

The hard truth – Certainty – and safety – is an illusion.

 

Why it’s comforting –

We make so many choices out of the fear or loss or the fear of the unknown. We stay with what we know and what seems like a sure bet even when it’s not the right bet for us. Once you realize that even the “safe” choice doesn’t protect from harm, it becomes easier to do what is right for you instead of what appears to have the least amount of risk.

 

8 Strategies to Better Handle Relationship Conflict

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Raise your hand if you feel like you could do better when it comes to managing conflict in your relationship.

I have both hands up.

One of the lovely lasting effects of emerging from a marriage with a covert abuser who morphed and manipulated instead of speaking his mind was that after 16 years of partnership, I was still a newbie at managing conflict. And I’ve had plenty of falls down that steep learning curve.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned (okay, what I’m still learning) –

 

1 – Understand You and Your Partner’s Processing Styles

As an introvert, I tend to think for a long time before I speak. I can easily spend days letting an idea fully form before I release it to the world. My husband is the opposite. A classic extrovert, he processes his thoughts out loud, releasing them before they have any form at all.

Neither style is better than the other, but it’s important to recognize which one best fits you and your partner. The trouble comes when the introvert is pressed to speak immediately or the extrovert’s words are assumed to be well thought out gospel.

 

2 – Don’t Become too Attached to the Initial Words Spoken

We all can choose the wrong words or say something more harshly than we mean it. Whether coming from a place of impulsivity and emotional intensity or from a downward spiral led by our own imagination, we sometimes say things in a hurtful way.

When you’re the recipient of those words, it’s difficult not to react in defensiveness or anger. It feels like an attack and so it’s easy to respond in kind. Strive to take a breath and ask for clarification before you accept those words as truth. Often, you’ll find that those hurtful thoughts were more fears than reality.

 

3 – Speak Early and Often

We all know what happens when you heat a tightly sealed container in the microwave. Don’t be that container. Instead of letting your grievances build, share your concerns as they arise.

This strategy has two benefits – One, conflicts are easily to manage when they are small and two, we improve at anything with practice. You will learn to navigate conflict better if it is smaller and more frequent than the occasional big blowout.

 

4 – Pay More Attention to What is Working

We all are prone to something called the negativity bias, where negative interactions have much more prominence in our minds than positive ones (which helped us avoid eating poison berries back in the day but now means that a random comment on social media can send us for a loop). So be cognizant of what you say to your partner. Strive to make at least 5-6 positive comments for every negative one.

Also be aware of your own reaction. You may feel like they are always harping on you, but is that truth or your own bias convincing you that it is real. Pay attention (and maybe even write down) each of the positive words or actions. They may be more numerous than you realize.

 

5 – Monitor Your Internal Dialog

Have you ever had an entire argument with someone in your head? Or had a dream about someone and been irritated with them when you woke up? Has your brain ever taken a small conflict and ridden it all the way to the most awful and catastrophic conclusion?

It’s easy to make assumptions about how somebody is going to respond and then spiral from those assumptions. Sometimes we spend so much time thinking through a potential conflict that we struggle to separate the real reactions from the imagined ones. Pay attention to how much time you spend mentally rehearsing a conflict and make sure that you give your partner the space to respond before you assume their reaction.

 

6 – Pay Attention to Your Physical Response

Are you starting to shake? Is your blood pressure increasing? How about your heart rate? When your body becomes too aroused from the conflict, your ability to think rationally decreases. You shift from the thinking brain to the reactionary brain.

Learn how to calm your body’s responses through breathing. It may be cliche, but slow and deep breaths really can help to calm the body and mind (I like a 4 count in, hold for 5 and exhale for 7). In addition, note how your body’s position impacts your physical reactions. I have noticed that I literally feel more grounded when I’m sitting on the floor and so I use that to my advantage when I know that I’m in for an emotionally-charged situation.

 

7 – Take Purposeful Timeouts

Timeouts can be a great strategy when a conversation becomes too heated. But they need to be done the right way. First, make sure to set a deadline for when the conversation will be continued. Otherwise, timeouts can simply become a strategy for avoidance.

Also, use the timeout wisely. Exercise, meditate, go for a walk or engage in your favorite creative pursuit. If all you do is sit and stew in your emotions, there is really no value to the break.

 

8 – Engage in Teamwork-Oriented Activities

It’s easy to get confused in the midst of conflict and think that it’s you vs. partner. Where in reality, it’s you AND partner vs. problem. To help reinforce the reminder that you’re on the team, engage in activities that require that you work together to complete some goal.

When doing this, make note (and verbalize) the strengths you see in your partner. Take the time to remember past challenges that you successfully navigated together. Remember what it was that you saw in them in the first place.