Home Movies

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My aunt and uncle recently took on the formidable project of transferring hours of home movies onto two DVDs in some “best of” snippets from almost twenty years of footage. My aunt sent me the discs recently with a card that had the following warning:

Advisory: Proceed With Caution.

What you are about to see may be hazardous to your mental state of well-being.

That’s what can happen in divorce (especially ugly divorce)-  a “family” member goes from beloved to hazardous cargo. And my ex was family and is included in many of the latter video clips. This would be the first video I would see of him since before he left, as all of my video and most of my pictures are safely boxed up in my mom’s garage (safely unless they’ve become a rat nest, which would somehow be fitting…).

Surprisingly, I was neither anxious to watch them or anxious about watching them. I finally had a few moments today and put in the second disk, which starts shortly before I began high school. It was funny watching them and seeing how I changed over the years, my I-was-afraid-they-were-permanent chubby cheeks finally slimming out when I entered my 20s. My ease with my baby cousin even as I knew I never wanted a kid of my own. And my introverted attempt to meet “cute boys” at the lake by swimming out to a raft in my aqua bikini.

It was cool to see my mom at an age I now relate to. And to watch my grandmother when she could still enjoy the freedom of swimming in the lake. I saw my now-married cousin with missing baby teeth. And watched her now-adult sister grow from newborn to preschooler.

And it was even neat to watch my ex. From the awkward gangliness he carried until almost 22 to the young man tired from his 10 hour shift at an amusement park. I watched him with our pug and smiled at the memories of bringing our first dog home. In one scene I saw him look at me with love. I remember those looks.

I realized something today, watching those home movies. In a very real way, all of us on those digital recordings are gone. The kids have grown, even the youngest through college and many have kids of their own. The adult generation is trending towards retirement. And grandma can’t swim in the lake anymore.

We have all changed with time and with experiences. The camera caught who we were in the moment but it does not always reflect who we are now.

The husband I see on those videos would be lost to me now no matter what. That boy really, not even a man yet in many of the clips, was lost in time. And that would be true even if he was sitting on the sofa downstairs.

Far from being hazardous, the videos were sweet. A glimpse of a more innocent past and a remembrance of a good beginning.

And yet another reminder of the constant presence of change.

We may as well get used to it:)

 

 

Progressive Resistance

Posted on by stilllearning2b

On your first day stepping foot in a gym, you’re probably not going to try to pick up these.

 

dumbells4-294x300

 

More likely, you assess your starting point and gravitate towards some weights that will challenge you a little.

But not too much.

Maybe something like this:)

pink-dumbbell

As time progresses and you become stronger, those little weights begin to feel puny. They are no longer a struggle as you become stronger.

So, you apply the theory of progressive resistance, trading in your little weights for some that are just a little bigger still.

body-solid-GDR10-dumbbell-rack

And a strange thing happens as you progress to heavier and heavier weight.

If you do it right, the resistance always feels about the same.

Not because the weights aren’t changing,

But because you are.

 

It would be nice if life progressed like sessions at the gym.

But that’s rarely the case.

Often, you’re humming along, happily curling your 1 pound weights when life suddenly drops this in your lap-

dumbells4-294x300

And expects you to lift it.

 

Life’s challenges rarely come with a warm-up.

We usually don’t have the prior warning to begin training for the challenge.

The trial simply appears. And we either have to figure out how to lift it.

Or we end up crushed.

 

You can wail it’s not fair.

Or complain that it’s impossible.

Or you can get to work.

 

Take it apart. Break it down into manageable pieces. You can lift anything if you make it small enough.

Enlist a buddy. Ask for help. A load is lightened by many hands.

View your challenge compared to others. It may not be as heavy as it looks. Perspective has a way of making mountains into molehills. 

Tackle your trials a little at a time. Each experience will make you stronger for the next. Celebrate your growth.

Ignore the impossible for a time and build yourself. Get better, get stronger and then come back and show it who’s boss.

Seek out the experts. Learn how to lift and how to breathe. A little guidance can go a long way.

 

Progressive resistance teaches us that it’s okay to get there in baby steps.

That struggle is rewarded with strength.

And that there is no burden we cannot lift given enough time and enough effort.

 

So when life throws these at you,

dumbells4-294x300

 

get busy training.

body-solid-GDR10-dumbbell-rack

 

Happiness is Divorce in the Rearview Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness divorce

There is nothing fun about divorce. I can’t ever imagine anyone – even the most devout fan of Fifty Shades of Gray – choosing to go through a divorce for the entertainment factor. Even in the most clearcut of situations where both parties agree that the marriage is terminal, the process of severing two intertwined lives is awful. And when there are complicating factors? It’s awfuler (yeah, when it comes to divorce, that IS a real word. promise).

But once you’re through?

Once the courtroom and the endless requests for documentation are over.

After the decisions have been made and the consequences determined.

When the divorce is in the rearview mirror.

That’s when the happiness comes.

If you know how to look for it.

 

The…

Worst is Over

The final decree often brings with it a sense of relief. I personally went from never wanting a divorce to wanting a divorce more than anything else. I just wanted it to over. The months or years sandwiched between the decision to divorce (regardless of who makes the call) and the legal dissolution of marriage are horrible. It’s easy to feel lost and confused and attacked from all sides. The decree doesn’t make everything okay, but it sure helps to alleviate some of the unknown. The worst is over and now…

Healing Can Begin

It’s difficult to heal without resolution. After the legal process is over, you know what you have (and what you don’t). It’s a place – even if it’s rock bottom – where you can start to rebuild. Your focus can shift from the separation to yourself. Healing won’t happen immediately; the decree is no magic salve. But it WILL happen in its own time. One of the keys in healing from divorce is to recognize how far you have come. Celebrate your…

Accomplishments

You made it. It seemed impossible. But you’re through it and still breathing. At least on most days. That’s something to celebrate. Give yourself credit for your successes, both big and small. See yourself as a survivor and strive to be a thriver. Have gratitude for the blessings you have in your life, including your…

True Friends

Divorce has a way of sifting out the true friends from the mere hangers-on. The ones who remain are special. They have now seen you at your most vulnerable and still seek you out. That’s pretty damn cool. Enjoy the security and comfort provided by the stalwart confidantes, but also don’t be afraid to seek out…

New Beginnings

Just like we experience a surge of energy at the beginning of a new year, a new school term or after a birthday, divorce also clears away the old and leaves room for the new. Anything is possible when nothing is certain. Rather than focus on the loss, choose to see the potential. Because when you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have…

Wisdom

Divorce is a helluva teacher. Don’t let those lessons go to waste.

 

 

Lessons From the Wake

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m good at making excuses for my fears.

Damned good.

In fact, the excuses are real. I just choose to ignore the solutions.

But I’m tired of living that way.

So I refuse to anymore.

 

This past week, I had an opportunity to water ski for the first time.

Let me clarify. It was not the first opportunity in my life to water ski- I’ve had many of those over the last 20 years. It was; however, the first opportunity I chose to accept.

 

And, like all fears, it seemed so silly after it was faced and the excuses so easy to overcome.

 

And, like all fears, facing it and mastering it brought an incredible feeling of strength and potential.

My lessons that day are embedded within water skiing, but they apply to facing most any fears.

Surround Yourself With the Right People

The situation on the boat this day was perfect. I had a teacher/driver/guide/coach that I trusted and who was patient and positive. There were other skiers on the boat who had only a few more hours practice than me – watching them showed me it was possible. When you’re with the right people, you feel supported enough to take a risk.

Accept Your Weaknesses

My primary excuse for avoiding water skiing over the years was my fear of losing my (very expensive and very necessary) contact lenses. On this day, I brought a pair of swim goggles. Rather than allow a weakness to hold you back, find a way to work around it.

Learn From Your Failures

On my first attempt, I got up but then immediately fell back into the water. After a quick debriefing, I learned what I did wrong and corrected it on the next try. Failure is a teacher, not an end.

Capitalize on Your Strengths

My form was not ideal on my first, 3-minute run. But I could use my strength (literally, in this case) to make up for my lack of finesse. Your own strengths can help to balance your weaknesses. Let them.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

There were some VERY good skiers on the boat. I didn’t compare myself to the woman who grew up on skis. That would be silly, pointless and disheartening. I compared myself to the Lisa who always said, “No, thanks” to the offer to ski. Rather than use others as your benchmark, look to your own progress.

Prepare But Don’t Overthink

I had a boat lesson on the proper form (tight ball with skis up) and most important tip (keep your arms straight) but, once I was in the water, I silenced the brain and let the body tell me what to do. Overthinking tends to make something simple into a complicated mess.

Set Realistic Goals

For some reason, I always had a fear of water skiing. That meant that I had a bigger hurdle to overcome than many on their first attempt. Allow for your fears and create realistic expectations for you.

Celebrate Success

After my three minute ski, I crawled back onto the boat and was greeted with cheers and high fives. Allow yourself to enjoy the feeling that comes from tackling something new. It’s pretty awesome.

And finally,

Allow Yourself to Have Fun

And try not to get too much water up your nose!

 

 

 

Role Play

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This. Is. Life. Changing.

My mom clued me in recently to the Karpman Drama Triangle. It’s a simple and elegant tool that can help you understand and change dysfunctional relationships (not just romantic relationships – familial, friend and work too). This particular description really resonates with me because I think it is possible for everyone to recognize their own inherent behavioral trends and tendencies even if they fall short of the dysfunctional category.

And once you name it, you own it.

And what you own, you can change.

 

It’s a long read. But so worth it.

So, pour yourself a of beverage of your choice, find a comfortable seat and be ready to have your world rocked.