Cheaters Are…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Cheaters are…

 

What’s the first word that comes to your mind?

Selfish?

Liar?

$%&*$?

You wouldn’t be wrong.

 

Goodness knows I have felt – and said – those words along with much worse in regards to my cheating ex and others that have betrayed their partners. I’ve even felt physically ill when in the presence of strangers that seem to be involved in illicit activity.

In the beginning, I was all-rage. It was black and white in my eyes and he was the monster that swallowed all the light.

Then some things shifted. The anger softened. I started to think a little more and feel a little less.

Cheating is wrong. That is clear. It is never acceptable to betray someone (especially the one you promised to love and care for) in order to have your own wants (because let’s be honest, these are not needs) met. It is a selfish choice. The lies and manipulations that the cheater uses to hide their activities are often cruel. It’s a decision that has horrific and lasting effects on the one betrayed as they struggle to regain their confidence and ability to trust.

Yet as I gained a little more distance from my own experience being betrayed, I came to some startling – and difficult – realizations. I struggle with these still. On some days, I want to shuttle all of the cheaters to Greenland and leave them stranded with nothing but a pair of shorts. And then on other days, I respond more compassionately, seeing them as emotionally stunted, immature and blatantly self-unaware.

 

Difficult Realization #1

You Know – and Probably Like – People That Have Cheated

After my ordeal, I had several people in my life open up to me. And I learned that there were people that I liked, cared for and even respected that had been unfaithful at some point in their past. Since I wasn’t the one betrayed in these cases, my response didn’t have the same emotional intensity as it did with my ex.

I considered these people. The entirety of them. Learning that one fact about them was upsetting and unsettling, but it also didn’t erase the rest of the person that I had known for some time. Also, and this is key, all of them had taken responsibility for their actions and had made significant changes since the time they were unfaithful.

They hide in plain sight. It’s not like most people go around and brag about their infidelity and many people that have been betrayed choose to stay quiet. Simply based on probability, you have family members that have cheated and some of your friends and coworkers have betrayed their spouses.

People are complicated. You can have great people that do shitty things and shitty people that do a great job at pretending to be great. Betrayal is certainly a shitty action, but does automatically flush away the entire person?

 

Difficult Realization #2

Cheating is Common

I get frustrated sometimes with the assumption that cheater = narcissist. Considering that the prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is around 1% of the population and it’s estimated that somewhere between 25-50% of people have cheated at some point, there are far more people cheating without that diagnosis (or there’s a handful of narcissists that have been VERY busy).

To me, the fact that it is common is evidence that it’s not only monsters that make this decision. Instead, it’s evidence that humans can do dumb things, act without consideration for others and engage in extreme cover-ups to avoid getting caught or having to face the truth themselves.

Part of accepting its prevalence is coming to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as an affair-proof relationship. You can choose wisely, pay attention to your partner and the marriage, and still end up finding that awful text message on their phone. And, especially after going through betrayal, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

 

Difficult Realization #3

Cheaters Are Not All Alike

Some cheaters are just plain terrible people. They continually act without regard for others, endanger their partner with their actions and refuse to accept any responsibility for their choices (often gaslighting and projecting in an attempt to blame their spouse for their wandering genitalia). These people suck and I would love to crowdfund a one-way ticket to Greenland for the lot of them.

But that’s not all of them. Some (often dubbed “unicorns” in affair-recovery circles) do everything right once the affair is revealed. They own up and do the work. Others may get there eventually, but it takes them more time. And then some are just plain clueless.

The motivation for the affair is also important. Some are truly in loveless marriages (although they all claim that, don’t they?) while others betray a loving spouse in the most brutal ways. There are cheaters who battle addiction – sexual or otherwise – that complicates their decision-making. And as difficult as it is to accept, sometimes they do fall in love with somebody else (although the way they handled it is far-from-okay).

Cheaters form a very diverse group. It doesn’t do anyone any favors to lump them all in together.

 

Difficult Realization #4

“I Would Never…” is a Dangerous Road

I have never cheated. I have never come close to cheating. I cannot imagine cheating. Yet at the same time, I’m careful to not say that I would never cheat.

Because that cocky certainty can easily lead to making some bad choices that would send me to a slippery slope. In fact, that assuredness is one of the common ways that emotional affairs begin.

I don’t believe we all have the capacity to act like terrible people described above. That takes a special kind of suckitude. Yet we all can do some pretty crappy things. We all can make choices that hurt our partners. And we all can struggle with facing hard truths.

When we say, “I would never…,” we’re opening the door.

Personally, I choose to say, “I never want to cheat” and then I make sure that my choices and actions are in alignment with that statement.

 

These Realizations Don’t Dictate Your Response

No matter how many people you like that have cheated in their pasts, no matter how common infidelity is and no matter what degree of suckitude your cheating partner reached, you can set your own boundaries for what you will tolerate.

The pain from betrayal is brutal. Learning that the person who vowed to protect you has instead been eating cake while slipping you poison is earth-shattering. The aftershocks last for years and the loss of blind trust lasts a lifetime. Infidelity is theft. And you have a right to all of the emotions that it brings up in you.

 

When it comes down to it, the collective nature of cheaters doesn’t matter.

Only your situation does.

 

And if you do decide to send them on that one-way trip to Greenland, don’t forget the polar bear bait:)

 

For those of you hurting, maybe this can help.

When They Say, “You’ve Changed”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You’ve changed,” they say to you.

Feeling like an accusation.

Implying that if you hadn’t transmuted, then things would still be fine.

The first reaction is defensive.

“No I haven’t!” you insist, even while on some level being aware that as a living and adaptable being, you of course have been slowly changing over time.

Or maybe, you go on the attack, “You’re the one who’s changed! You never … anymore!”

Or, “The only reason I … is because you…”

But of course, the real harm in this declaration of change isn’t really the transformation. It’s the implication that you’ve taken a turn for the worse.

But what’s really behind those words? Here are a few possible meanings –

 

You’re Not What They Want You to Be Anymore

Maybe you used to let them walk all over you and you have since developed the confidence and self-awareness to set and enforce boundaries. And so they’re pouting, after being used to getting their way. Or perhaps you used to need them and you have since become more independent. And now they worry that you can be okay without them.

You’ve Grown While They’ve Stagnated

You met when you were young. You had nothing, so there was nothing to lose. But then came family, careers and a mortgage. The responsibilities were higher and so were the stakes. You grew, learning how to handle the stuff that nobody likes to deal with and willingly trading some temporary fun and freedoms for legacy and purpose. Meanwhile, they still act like a college kid living off their parent’s allowance and grumbling that you are not any fun anymore.

 

A Maladaptive Relationship Pattern Has Developed

It doesn’t matter who started it. One of you did something. The other reacted. And this negativity and ineffective methodology keeps being volleyed back and forth. Their reactions influencing yours and your responses driving their behaviors. Over time, this pattern has become a well-worn groove that has shifted the way you interact with each other and with yourself.

 

Life Has Taken You on Different Paths

And sometimes there’s nothing truly wrong. We all change as we move through through life and sometimes those changes simply take us different directions. “You’ve changed” may mean “We’ve changed” and we no longer fit together. Not as a proclamation of wrongdoing or blame, but simply as an admission of fact.

When They Deny the Affair

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Something’s up. Maybe you stumbled across an inappropriate text or perhaps there’s just a different energy in the air. Either way, your suspicions are growing, eating at you as your imagination begins to shift into overdrive.

Summoning your courage as you straddle the line between wanting to know and wanting to believe that everything is okay, you ask –

“Are you having an affair?”

And the response is volleyed back.

“No.”

You’re not sure how to feel. It’s the answer you want to hear. Want to believe. But at the same time, you’re not sure if you do believe it.

In some ways, you’d prefer a confirmation of your fears, because then at least you would know where you stand.

But this?

It’s maddening.

Agonizing.

Obviously someone isn’t telling the truth. But is it your partner or your own fears?

As you try to unravel the truth, begin by considering the reasons they may be denying an affair –

They may be trying to have their cake and eat it too.

“But I want them both!” you can just picture this person insisting like a spoiled toddler while stomping their feet. This is the stereotypical selfish cheater. They want what they want and they don’t expend too much energy thinking about how it might impact those around them. They lie not because they particularly enjoy lying, but because they want to get away with this for as long as possible. They are not worried about the truth hurting you; they are concerned about the impact the truth will have on their fun.

It’s rare that someone would only act selfishly in regards to a relationship. Instead, it tends to be their general approach to everything in life. Consider if they generally lack empathy and have a tendency to consider their own needs at the exclusion of others. These sorts of people will often speak of how they deserve happiness and may play the martyr or victim routinely.

They may enjoy the power that comes from deception.

These are worst type of cheaters. The actual affair may be ancillary to them; their primary motivation is the power and glee they gain from manipulating those around them. Although this type of person is obvious in some ways, when you’re under their spell woven with gaslighting and emotional abuse, your view is blurry.

These are the cheaters that will respond with outrage at your accusation, no matter how damning the evidence is against them. They will turn the fingers back at you, painting you as crazy, irrational or unfaithful in your own right.

It’s very difficult to see gaslighting when you’re in it. If you suspect that this may be your situation, talk to others you trust to gain their perspective and find a way to take a little break from the relationship to give yourself some space to think clearly.

They may be too scared to admit the truth.

They know they messed up. They know the truth will hurt you and they don’t want to hurt you. On one level, they may believe they are doing the right thing. Protecting you. On another level, they are afraid of seeing the hurt, the betrayal in your eyes and knowing that they are the one who put that there.

This puts you in a tough place. Your suspicions make you anxious and their response makes you frustrated and confused. Your emotions are high, yet the best way to uncover the truth is to stay calm so that they feel safer in revealing it. Is it fair to ask you to temper your emotions when they are the ones misbehaving? No. But then again, nothing about infidelity is fair. 

The good news is that this is the type of cheater that often feels great remorse for their actions. They are ones most likely to take responsibility when they are ready to face the truth. Patience may be called for here as you give them to space to summon up the courage needed to speak, but you also have the right to set your own boundaries about what you will not tolerate.

They may believe they are innocent.

Perhaps they define infidelity differently than you do and so even though they’ve crossed your line, they are still safely on the innocent side of their own demarkation. This happens often when there is an emotional affair; the betrayed partner is picking up on the emotional distance and redirected attention while the other proclaims their integrity is intact because the clothes have stayed on. Before accepting their proclamation of innocence, ensure that you are indeed talking about the same thing.

This can also happen when the betrayer is a pro at compartmentalization or rationalization. They see themselves as a “good” person, someone who would never cheat on their partner. And so they participate in impressive mental gymnastics in an attempt to reconcile their actions with their beliefs about themselves.

They may come up with a reason that the affair is inconsequential (“We only have sex. There is no emotional component, so it doesn’t impact my marriage.”). Or, they may keep that side of themselves completely separate from their normal guise, often using alcohol or other substances to help block out (or excuse) their actions.

This situation can be tricky to suss out, especially if they only show you the “good” side. Pay attention to how they handle mistakes and embarrassing situations. If they have a tendency to secret these relatively banal things away, it’s an indication that they have a tendency to split when experiencing shame.

They may be innocent.

This best case may be the real case. It’s possible that you misinterpreted something or allowed your fears or past experiences to reach false conclusions. Of course, you also have to be careful not to rush to the perceived security of this assumption too quickly. Because once we believe something, we inadvertently seek confirmation that it is true. And you don’t want your denial to offer a safe hiding place for a cheater.

Just as you don’t want to provide a safe haven for a cheater, you also don’t want to create a hostile environment for an honest person where they are constantly bombarded with fake accusations. This is why it’s important to pay close attention to your reactions, trust yourself to see and handle the truth, and keep your eyes open in regards to your partner. Don’t excuse their stuff and also don’t accuse them of yours.

So what can you do if you have suspicions that your partner denies?

Start here – What to Do When You Think Your Partner is Cheating

Can You “Affair-Proof” Your Marriage?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Unraveling Expectations: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Join me on a little thought experiment as we consider two different situations…

Situation 1 – You go on a blind date, knowing nothing at all about the person before you meet. The date went well, not great but also not terrible. You had some good conversation and you think they’re a quality person, but you doubt you’ll ever see them again.

Situation 2 – You meet somebody on an online dating site. Due to your schedules, you are unable to meet in person for several weeks. During that time, the two of you have been texting and messaging constantly. The texts are flirtatious and even begin to tiptoe into some deep territory. “Maybe they’re the one,” you think to yourself as you excitedly get ready for your first date. The date goes well, not great but also not terrible. You had some good conversation and you think they’re a quality person, but you’re just not feeling it.

Even though the dates themselves are identical, how would your feelings about them differ? I would expect that the first situation would be easily shrugged off, whereas the second situation may well knock you down a bit, possibly even prompting worries about being alone forever.

What is the difference between the two?

 

Expectations.

 

images-45

 

As anyone with a dog around dinnertime knows, expectations are a powerful force. Unless you live a life without any predictability or patterns, expectations are necessary to navigate efficiently in a complex world. We expect the sun at the beach to be intense, so we respond by bringing an umbrella and sunscreen. We expect a toddler to become irritable on a long car ride, so we stash snacks and toys in anticipation.

But expectations are not always so benign. They have a way of sneaking up on us, whispering temptations into our ears and then running away unrestrained. We follow, only to end up face-planted as we trip over our own predictions when they fail to materialize. Other times, past trauma has primed the pump for expecting the worst, even when the worst is no longer the reality.

We cannot eliminate expectations from our lives. They’re innate and needed. But we can also learn to understand them better and we can become better at managing them so that we don’t continually break our own hearts.

Expectations can be trip wires in all areas of life – relationships, work, health, etc. I’m going to focus on expectations in relationships, although much of this applies to expectations in other arenas as well.

 

images-44

Expectations

 

The Good

Since we often face counsel to “let go of expectations,” we rarely take the time to reflect upon their benefits –

Opportunity to Gain Self-Awareness

We all develop our own personal narrative, stories that pass through our brains, spinning yarns and asserting beliefs. All too often, those personal narratives become tainted, as drops of fear or insecurity bleed throughout the story, altering and staining it without enough external influence to right the path. And expectations can come from those painful places. After all, a fear of abandonment is really an expectation of abandonment sparked from some prior experience.

We are not always aware of our internal narrative. It’s too close, too much a part of us. But disappointment is a handy way to recognize when our expectations are out of alignment. So let those times when you feel let down by someone become an opportunity to look within. What were you expecting? Where did that expectation come from? The answers to those two questions can give you some great insight into yourself.

 

Keeps Us From Settling For Less

Sometimes expectations act to inform us what we deserve. This is especially true when we come from a healthy and loving family and we anticipate others to treat us in the same way.

Expectations can act like a minimum fill line in a pool, alerting us to behaviors that fall below a certain threshold. In a relationship, it is perfectly appropriate to expect to feel safe, to feel loved much of the time and to have an atmosphere of honesty and respect.

 

Allows Relationships to Operate Efficiently

Expectations and habit allow us to shift some of our daily lives to autopilot. This isn’t always ideal, but in a busy world, it’s often necessary. When we have an idea what to expect from our partner, we can shift our own choices accordingly. For example, if you want an opportunity to reconnect with your spouse over a meal and you know they’re not a morning person, you propose a dinner date as opposed to brunch. Expectation and adaptation.

 

IMG_1276

The Bad

Of course, expectations have their downsides –

We Are Set Up for Disappointment

We recently received a widespread lesson in the danger of unchecked expectations. I don’t think any series finale has been so widely anticipated as that of Game of Thrones. After years of a wild – and emotional – ride, the expectations of fans were at an all-time high. And the disappointment after the ending was almost palpable.

No matter what happens in reality, it will never align perfectly with our expectations. So when we become too wedded to a particular outcome, we are guaranteeing our own disappointment.

Related: Are Expectations Dooming Marriage?

 

Other’s Actions Are Outside Our Locus of Control

Sometimes we act as though our internal narrative is script and others should be reading the lines and following the stage directions we have prepared for them.

But of course that’s not true.

We can have expectations all day long, but unless it’s something within ourselves, we have little influence on what actually happens.

 

We Confuse Boundaries and Expectations

Expectations say, “I’m assuming that you’re going to…”

Boundaries say, “If you do …, then I will…” 

Note the difference. The first isn’t giving the person a choice. It’s guilty until proven innocent. Whereas the latter gives the other permission to act and then provides information about the consequences.

Letting go of expectations is not the same as permitting others to treat you poorly. If they act badly, let them face the consequences. But also give them the opportunity to make that choice before you enact the repercussions.

IMG_1333

The Ugly

And then there’s this. Expectations can cause worse effects than disappointment. They can set us up for catastrophe –

When Expectations Are Too High, We Are Always Chasing Contentment

I have been outspoken in my disdain for the concept of a single soulmate. I mean, talk about a high expectation! I have to somehow manage to find the one, single person that is perfect for me. And then once I have them, everything will be easy because we are meant to be together. So then what happens when you first face discord in your relationship? Does that mean that they were the wrong person and you need to resume the search?

We are constantly bombarded with images of perfection. And so we can easily find ourselves lacking. When expectations are unrealistic, we will never be happy because the bar is set at infinity and we’re mere mortals.

 

Expectations Can Influence Reality For the Worse

I love the studies that have been done in schools where the teachers of two comparable classes were given different – and false – information about their students. One teacher was told that their students were exceptionally bright and they could expect great things from them. The other educator was informed that their students were slow learners and have never really shown much promise.

Same types of students. Different expectations. And VERY different results.

I bet you can guess which class did better.

People have a way of acting as we expect them to act. After all, even if we say nothing, our unconscious interactions will reveal some of our internal beliefs. This chicken-and-egg dance often happens with infidelity. We often assume that the cheating happens first, followed by the suspicions. Yet it is not rare for the distrust to enter first with the infidelity following behind.

When expectations are too rigid, we fail to give others the space to change. And if we’ve inadvertently set the bar too low, we may just find that it’s met.

When we lead with expectations, we are not truly seeing or hearing the other person. Instead, we’re interacting with the mental construct we have of them. We’re in an echo chamber, seeing and hearing only what we expect. Confirmation bias is a powerful force.

 

Toxic People Can Hide Behind Our Expectations

Sometimes our expectations of people are too high. We start from a belief that they are kind and operate with integrity and then we assume that their actions will be in accordance with those characteristics.

And if they’re not honest and kind? They very well may take advantage of those expectations, manipulating things behind the scenes like a magician’s assistant behind a screen.

Expectations can blind us to truth as we confuse desire with belief. And that’s a dangerous road to travel.

 

images-46

 

Learn to Work With Your Expectations Instead of Fighting Against Them

 

First, let me state that I am by no means an expert when it comes to managing expectations. I struggle with it on a frequent basis. But I HAVE gotten better at keeping them in check. Here’s what has worked for me:

 

Awareness of Expectations

Expectations can become so ingrained, so knee-jerk, that we often take them for granted and hardly even notice them. In order to become more aware of my own expectations, I’ve committed to paying attention to my disappointments and where they are coming from.

It’s been an interesting and eye-opening exercise. I’ve learned that my expectations anchored in trauma have all-but-disappeared, yet I still struggle with plenty of other maladaptive expectations. And as I become aware of them, I’m better able to adjust them to the actual circumstances.

 

Shift Your Expectations Within Your Locus of Control

When I first started dating post-divorce, I did one smart thing in a great big tangle of not-so-smart things.

I decided that my expectation for every date was that I would learn something. Here’s the beauty of that expectation – it had a 100% chance of being met every single time because I was the one in control of it. I was even able to learn something on the times I was stood up:)

In contrast, if I had expected for every date to go well or every man to be attracted to me (or me to him), I was guaranteed to fall short.

 

Practice Being Flexible

Sometimes when my expectations aren’t met, I don’t become disappointed.

I become irritable.

This happens when I’m knee-deep in my planned tasks (thanks, anxiety!) and I’m having trouble shifting gears when my predictions go awry.

As with everything, practice makes better. So the more I practice being flexible and trusting that it will be okay even if it doesn’t go to plan, the easier it becomes.

 

Keep Your Expectations Realistic

I love to travel and I love to travel with my husband. However, he is not as enamored of trips as I am. So whenever he mentions a possible trip, I get excited.

I used to get too excited.

I would research, plan and dream. Then, I would present him with the information and he would be all, “Eh.” I took his rejection hard, feeling like my hopes had been machete-cut like a coconut on some tropical beach.

But here’s the bigger picture. My husband is an extrovert with ADD. That combination means that many of his thoughts are shared aloud, even the impulsive, not fully-matured ones. So he may want to go on a trip, but the casual mention doesn’t mean that he has fully thought through all of the time and financial repercussions. And that’s who he is, not something I can ask him to change.

As an analytical introvert, I fully think (okay, overthink) anything through before I speak it. And I was listening to him as though he was me. Which of course, he’s not.

So I’ve learned. Now, when he mentions a trip, before I do anything else I ask a few questions – What sort of timeline are you thinking of? Where are you with commitment to this on a scale of 1 to 10? And with just those questions and any needed follow-ups, I know where my expectations should be.

Result? I don’t get disappointed and I thoroughly enjoy the trips I do take – with or without – him.

The best bet is to keep your expectations high, but also realistic.

 

Communicate Your Expectations

If birthdays are important to you, you might get your hopes up as the first birthday approaches in a new relationship. After all, it’s easy to assume that what is important to you is also important to someone else. And then when the day comes, if their excitement isn’t on par with yours and they either fail to appreciate the celebration you created for them or didn’t meet your expectations for the recognition of your birthday, you feel dismissed and unimportant.

Yet it’s also not fair to expect others to meet our expectations if we don’t communicate them. Until Elon Musk develops some sort of implantable mind-reading device, we have to express both our expectations and the importance of them to others.

If we don’t say anything about the expectation, the resulting disappointment is on us.

 

Try to Replace Expectations With Curiosity

Some of my favorite yoga teachers are consistently good, yet I never know what to expect from them since every class is good in its own way. They have helped me shift my thinking before class from, “I hope we do some hip-opening today” to “I wonder what goodness we are going to do in class today.”

When we’re curious, we are not wed to any certain outcome. Instead of closing our minds and sealing the cracks with conclusions, we are throwing the doors wide open to see what might show up.

 

Give to Give, Not to Receive

It feels good to have your efforts recognized and affirmed. But if that’s the only (or at least, a major) reason you’re giving, you will be disappointed. Whether from a lack of awareness or a lack of caring, you will not always be validated for your efforts. Give because you want to give, not because you expect something in return.

 

Distinguish Between Needs and Expectations

Needs are requirements. Expectations are hopes.

Sometimes I confuse those, feeling as though not having my expectations met is a personal attack that causes great damage.

Yet I’ve survived every disappointment that has ever come my way.

We don’t always get what we want.

Yet sometimes as a result, we end up with exactly what we need.

Good Ol’ Gratitude to the Rescue Again

When I do feel disappointed because my expectations have not materialized, I like to pause for a moment to think about the good that has come from the situation. And usually, it’s surprisingly easy to find once I let go of the image of how things are supposed to be.

 

Ultimately, it comes down to this –

You have a right to your expectations. You have a right to feel disappointed. You have a right to not accept behaviors. But you don’t have a right to expect others to act the way that you want them to act. And the sooner you accept that, the more at peace you’ll be.