Let’s Be Friends

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear it often –

“After my divorce, I lost so many friends. The couples I knew no longer invited me to join them. It’s like they thought they could only socialize with other couples.”

And that’s sad.

Not only for the single person, but also for the couples.

Because both have quite a bit to offer each other.

So how about it?

Can we be friends?

 

To the Couples –

 

Send the Invitations

Oftentimes, couples refrain from inviting a single person to join out of a concern for them feeling like an awkwardly attached third wheel. Instead of assuming that they don’t want to attend, ask and let them decide for themselves. If they decline, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will never have an interest. Give them a little time and ask again.

 

Save the PDA and Inside Jokes For Later

In order to allow the single friend to feel included, make sure that you’re not acting in an exclusionary way. You don’t have keep your partner at arm’s length, but this probably isn’t the best time for an extended make-out session either.

 

If the Single Person is Recently Divorced, Allow Them to Set the Tone Regarding “Ex Talk”

Maybe they want to engage in a little ex-bashing or maybe they prefer to keep quiet. Either way, allow them to dictate when and how much they say about their situation. Sometimes, couples want information about a breakup in order to reassure themselves that they’re “safe” from a similar outcome. That’s your stuff to deal with; it’s not the responsibility of your single friends. And finally, if you”re also friends with their ex, keep that in a separate space unless you’re asked to do otherwise.

 

Be Sensitive to the Emotions the Single Friend May Be Experiencing

It can be an alienating feeling to be around couples when you’ve lost your significant other. There may be moments of profound sadness and periods of envy. Sometimes, a newly single person finds it too difficult to be around couples, especially ones that were part of their old life. None of this is a reflection on you.

 

To the Singles –

 

Communicate Your Wants and Feel Free to Initiate

Maybe you want to get together but you need a little time to get yourself together first. Or, you find that you do better with small groups instead of a triad right now. Communicate what it is you’re okay with right now. Furthermore, if you want contact, initiate contact. Too passive of an approach can easily be read as disinterest.

 

Be Thoughtful About Who You Unload Your Emotional Struggles On

If you’re dealing with a lot of emotion right now, you will need people to talk to. Your couple friends may not be those people. As you know, the thought of losing a partner is terrifying and so the couples in your social circle may need to keep that thought at a safe distance. And unfortunately, you are a reminder that loss can happen.

 

If You’re Experiencing a Sexual Reawakening, Express it Elsewhere

After divorce, it’s common to have an excess of sexual energy. There is nothing wrong with this, but also direct that energy away from your coupled friends. One of the reasons that the newly divorced tend to be exiled is the fear that they will “steal” a partner. Don’t give that fear any fuel.

 

Be Sensitive to the Emotions One or Both People in the Couple May be Experiencing

One or both partners may be doubting their own marriage and they might be envious of your freedom. Alternately, they may be terrified of their relationship ending and you’re walking proof that it could happen. None of this is a reflection on you.

 

It’s a shame when people that like each other and have a shared history end a friendship because of a status change.

Coupled or single…

Let’s be friends.

Guest Post: The Best Relationship You’ll Ever Have

Posted on by stilllearning2b

By Adriana Verdad

 

You Should Date Yourself

After failed attempts at dating, and developing feelings for someone who had none for me, I decided I really should try dating myself. Yes, I’d read about it, multiple times, on the internet, in your typical articles geared towards single women. Honestly, at first I thought it sounded super cheesy, and I even had a friend tell me that it was really cheesy, and maybe calling it “dating yourself” is. I’m not going to feed you some crap about how it’s not cheesy at all. It’s wonderfully cheesy. It’s as cheesy as The Notebook, the notion that someday some man will show up to take me on a surprise picnic, or the fact that after all I have been through, I still truly believe in true love. I embrace the cheesy, and I make zero apologies for it.

So, when I first decided to date myself, I thought of what it would look like. I thought of what types of dates I would go on with someone I was dating in the traditional sense: movies, dinners, drinks, coffees, picnics, festivals around town, the art museum, etc. I decided these types of things would work, but I also thought maybe I should see what other ideas were out there, and so yes, I turned to Google and Pinterest. I thought why not think outside the box, so I let others think outside the box for me, at first. I created a whole list on my phone of different types of date ideas, and I will share some of them with you in future posts.

I was more organized about this dating time I carved out for myself at first, clearly marking it down in my daily to do lists as a date with me. I protected this time, and rarely went outside of it, unless of course, a better opportunity came along, like an outing with my girlfriends, or a an actual (very rare) date popped up, or if I had a chance to hookup with someone, but in general these times were sacred to me, and I like that I was so protective of that time at first. It’s when the kids are at their father’s house of course, but I don’t really refer to it as dating myself , although it is. It’s akin to when you’re dating another person, and you settle into such a comfortable routine, that you don’t think so much about it anymore. Like at first, you are so worried about you wear, look like, or what you are going to plan at first, but you slide into a routine, a comfortable routine, with one another. I started to make it less organized, but I still definitely date myself. Now, it’s a Friday night of Netflix, or a Saturday full of reading on my sofa under a big cozy blanket. It might be a Sunday afternoon where I get cute, and take myself to the Art Museum to check out an exhibit I’ve been eyeing, or even my Tuesday night running club, that’s a date with me. I’ve spent a couple hours listening to my favorite music and coloring mandalas. I rarely cancel with myself if I don’t have to. Sometimes, I will go out to a bar, and people watch as I enjoy a couple new beers, or I will stay home and give myself a spa night. The point is, I make it a part of my regular routine. Let’s call it what it really is, self-care.

Just like you would devote time to a relationship that’s important to you, this is how I approach dating myself. The truth is, the relationship we have with ourselves, is far more important than any other. While, I’ll quickly tell you that my children are the most important people in my world, and they are, the reality is that if I don’t take good care of myself, then I’m not at my best to be there for them. This goes for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and even your career too. Dating myself will be something that I will never stop doing until I’m dead.

As I discussed in my last post about how being single has ensured that I will be a better future partner, time and space for yourself, and your partner, are essential to being at your best for one another. So yes, my future partner will have to realize that I need regular time to me. I am more than understanding that they will need time to themselves as well, and I not only highly encourage it, I think that they need it to be at their personal best. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I won’t be able to take a date by myself three times a week, but yes, I will most definitely be taking time out for myself to do things that excite my soul. I think once a week, or every couple weeks, is a good goal if you’re in a relationship, but I am saying that you should make it a priority. It’s called self-care, and it’s so important to helping you be the best lover and friend you can possibly be.

As I’ve said previously, I lost myself in my relationship/marriage, and I forgot who I was. I forgot about the things that brought me joy, put me into a state of flow, like reading and writing. I think that this was incredibly unhealthy for myself, my children, and my marriage. Here’s the deal- your relationship with your kids is significant, and your relationship with your partner will be there, and need to be whole, once the kids have grown up, and moved out, but in the end, you are what you really need. Let’s face it, kids will grow up, and won’t visit as much, spouses pass away, or move on sometimes, but you will always have you as long as you’re alive. While we certainly must give, nourish, and support our children, partners, family, and friends, even our colleagues, we cannot give to everyone else if we are not at our best.

Dating yourself, or if that phrase bothers you, self-care, or just calling it taking time for yourself, is important to keep your cup from overflowing with stress. So, please tell me in the comments below about how you’ve taken time for yourself this past week, or if you didn’t, how you plan to do it this upcoming week. I hope you will take literally one minute to fill in your email address and name below, and follow my blog so you can continue to learn to love the other side of life- whether that’s as a single person, or just loving the other side of your life, as in, the second half of it. Please share this with someone who could use a little encouragement, or validation, in the area of self-care. Thank you!

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!

Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (And What to Look Out For!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the chilled and vacant bed to the endless evening hours to the loss of a trusted confidant, the void left in your life after divorce can be both vast and agonizing. The emptiness begs to be filled, the cracks call for smoothing over and you try to distract yourself from staring too long at the vastness of the crater in your life.

Watch Out For These Unhealthy Ways to Fill the Void-

In an attempt to soothe the initial pain from divorce, many of us first turn to one or more of the following unhealthy (and ultimately ineffectual) methods of trying to fill the vacuum:

Filling Your Belly to Try to Fill Your Heart

 

When you’re feeling gutted and vacuous, it can be natural to turn to food for relief, mistaking the temporary physical fullness for emotional satiety. There is a very real link between emotions and food – we often speak of “comfort foods,” bring food to those in mourning and bond with others over a meal. Yet the real comfort comes less from the sustenance and more from the nourishment of the connection with others.

When you attempt to feed an emotional hunger with food, you will never be completely satisfied because you are addressing the wrong area of need. Repeatedly turning to food may have a detrimental impact on your health and will also serve to widen the disconnect between your mind and body.

Avoiding Reality With Alcohol or Drugs

 

Emptiness is uncomfortable. A sense of free falling through space is frightening. In those dark and lonely hours when you’re alone and worried that you’ll always be alone, it can be tempting to numb the pain and quiet the fear through chemistry.

And there will be relief in the moment, those blissful moments where you are able to forget reality and embrace a dream world. Yet reality always bursts back in, throwing open the door and blinding you with its harshness. Trying to avoid it only delays the inevitable confrontation and acceptance.

Bolstering Confidence With Shopping

 

It’s no wonder that shopping is a common pastime for those that are feeling down – the hunt of a good bargain and the acquisition of new baubles rewards us with a feel-good burst of dopamine. Those who have experienced an esteem hit after infidelity and/or divorce can be especially drawn to the appeal of covering the vulnerable skin with fancy clothes, new cars or a designer house.

Shopping gives us an opportunity to briefly occupy a fantasy world where the advertisements and markers have us convinced that material goods are associated with a particular life. But the thrill is always temporary, the boost short-lived. Chasing the tail of this dragon can ultimately be devastating to both your wallet and your well-being.

Distracting From the Pain by Dating

When you’re facing the heartbreak and the hollowness that follows the end of a relationship, there can be a powerful craving to experience the excitement and potential of new partnerships (even if they only last the night). Giving in to this desire too soon is like going to the grocery store hungry; you are not going to be able to make good decisions.

Additionally, when you’re still vulnerable, dating can often serve to highlight the void you feel as you realize that this person in front of you is really a stranger and that your early feelings are more hope and projection than actuality. It’s often better to wait to re-enter the dating scene until that compulsive desire to replace your partner has faded.

Passing the Time By Consuming Media

 

What is easiest is often not what is best for us. And nowhere in modern culture is this more apparent than in the consumption of media. In a moment of loneliness, we may turn to Facebook for the sense of connection, yet studies show that browsing the platform leaves people feeling even more isolated. When we’re feeling low, we easily give in to a Netflix binge, expecting to feel more rested. When instead, television (especially when consumed in binges), only intensifies feelings of sadness and fatigue.

Instead, Try These to Fill the Void – 

The previous strategies may work for a short period of time but ultimately, they will cause more harm than good as they prevent you from healing the wound from within. Instead of leaning on those quick fixes in an attempt to fill the void left from divorce, try building yourself up through the following strategies. Be patient – these methods may take longer to work than the unhealthier ones, but their results are lasting and authentic.

Finding Purpose Through Work

 

With divorce, you lose one of your major life roles, that of husband or wife. It can be an uncanny feeling as you wonder what position you now occupy and what purpose you now serve. Depending upon your particular circumstances, this can be an opportunity to allocate more of your energy into your career.

You may find that the changes in your life allow you to take bigger risks or to break out of your standard mold. Changes in your home life may have given you extra time to commit to your job or financial matters may necessitate that you undertake a new endeavor.

Often, when you’re feeling like a failure in your personal life, successes at work take on even greater meaning. Use this opportunity to recommit or reinvent your work persona. Strive to carve out a position where you feel needed, appreciated and interested.

 

Building Strength and Poise Through Movement

 

Divorce has a way of making you feel weak. Powerless. And exercise in any form is an excellent way to begin to reclaim your strength and feeling of control over your life. The best form of exercise to undertake is the one that you enjoy and that you can pledge yourself to.

It’s harder to feel powerless when you accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. It’s harder to feel vulnerable when you feel the increase in your performance capacity from week to week. As you throw yourself into movement, focusing on form and breath, the void no longer seems so vast or so dark.

If you’re struggling with sadness and isolation during unstructured hours, use exercise to build a framework around those times. If you flounder without accountability, sign up for group or team exercise so that you have others to answer to. And if you’re feeling disconnected from your body, opt for yoga or weight training so that you can again reconnect with yourself.

 

 

Reclaiming Vitality Through a Passion Project

 

What endeavor encourages you into a state of flow, where your entire focus is on what is at hand and time seems to stop? What activity did you used to enjoy in your youth or dream about turning into a career? What is something that you have always been curious about trying but practicality and circumstances have stopped you? These are hints about your passions, your interests that both consume you and fuel you.

The period after divorce provides a wonderful opportunity for pursuing or restoring a passion project. I know of people who have picked up the violin again, started stand-up comedy, written a book or chartered a non-profit charity. Others, selecting a more physical approach, sign up for a marathon or strive to earn the next belt level in Jiu Jitsu.

The “what” matters less than the enthusiasm you have for the enterprise. When you throw yourself into something that you enjoy and find success in, you breathe life back into the hole in your heart. When you’re passionate about something, you focus more on creation rather than any residual emptiness.

 

Rising By Lifting Others

 

When we’re feeling alone and eviscerated by divorce, we can easily become a captive of our own minds. The thoughts cycle and the self-pity begins to grow in our emotional isolation. Perhaps the best way to both put problems in perspective and help jettison us from our thoughts is by empowering others.

If you have children, strive to help them become strong, independent and compassionate people. Reach out to your friends and family that are in need and find ways to help to liberate them from their struggles. Help strangers through your church or a volunteer organization, selflessly sending positivity into the world. If you find people overwhelming, consider helping by adopting an abandoned pet or volunteering in an animal shelter.

Giving to others helps you feel better about yourself and also allows you to shift your focus away from your pain. As you give to others, you will find that paradoxically, you become filled yourself.

 

Generating Legacy Through Creation

Some of the most beautiful and lasting art, music and prose has been born of heartbreak. Even if you’re not destined to be the next Shakespeare or next year’s Beyoncé, you can still use your pain as an impetus for creation.

Even if it never sees the light of day, the mere act of using your sorrow as a conduit through your medium of choice helps to transform your relationship with the heartache. As you create, you’re building scaffolding throughout that void left from divorce. Scaffolding that you can then use to begin to climb your way out of the darkness.

Marriage and the Fear of Missing Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage fear scared

Do you have a fear of missing out on life if you commit to marriage? You’re not alone.

In some ways, I skipped my twenties.

Most teenagers were rapid cycling through partners, trying on and discarding potential pairings like jeans in a dressing room. I had been committed to my then-boyfriend since the age of sixteen.

While my classmates were spending weekends getting wasted at frat parties, I was spending the days running errands and maintaining a home with my then-fiance.

Others in my age group spent their earnings on clothing, concerts and travel. I carefully saved in order to purchase a house with my then-husband at the age of twenty-two.

I laughed about these contradictions at the time; I never regretted the decisions I made and I was happy in my life. When asked about my feelings about entering the next decade on my thirtieth birthday, I responded by saying that I didn’t anticipate anything different since I had been living as a thirty-something for the previous decade.

And then divorce happened. And with it, some regret for missing out on the “normal” experiences of the young. I was married when most of my friends were busy partying and then I was thirty-two and dumped soon after I attended those same friends’ weddings.

I reflected back on the boys or young men that I’d met and turned down. I thought about the alternate life I might have had if I had lived a more traditional college experience. I considered the freedoms that I had exchanged in the name of security  (a false trade as it turned out).

I like to compare myself in the period post-divorce to one of those spring-loaded snakes released from a canister. I exploded into the world, determined to recapture the life I had missed in my twenties.

Some of it was fun. I dated casually without concern for the future. I sometimes neglected sensible saving for fun-in-the-moment. I embraced the positives of losing everything and enjoyed the flexibility of having few responsibilities and fewer belongings. I said “yes” to most everything and tried to view challenges as adventures.

But it wasn’t all good.

Even though I went on dates every night, I returned to my cold and lonely bed at night without someone to hold me through my nightmares. I socialized nonstop, yet few really knew or understood me. The adventures were fun and I enjoyed playing around with my persona, but I often felt like I was playing a part instead of being true to myself.

What I thought I was missing turned out to be not all that. Just like being married, it had its own benefits and its own downsides.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is really nothing more than viewing the distant grass as greener than the lawn you’re standing on. The married envy the flexible and free life of the singletons while those that are single often yearn for the intimacy and stability of partnership.

I met my now-husband when I was still in the throes of manically attempting to live a decade in a few short months. And almost from the beginning, he felt different. I realized that this could be a long-term thing instead of simply another fun fling. I considered my options. A relationship was appealing, yet I still didn’t feel purged of my need to not act my age.

He handled it perfectly. A couple months in, he told me that he was committed and also said that he knew that I wasn’t ready to yet. He gave me the time and space to figure out which side of the grass I wanted to be on. A few weeks later, I took the step.

At the time of the divorce, I thought that I had missed out on dating. On being young and stupid. On experiencing life with people other than my spouse.

What I realized was that my regrets really weren’t tied to my marital status. I wasn’t afraid of missing out on kissing some random guy or the mobility assisted by a single status. What I was really afraid of was living too small. Of allowing fear to limit my choices and denying myself the ability to question. I was afraid of marriage being an end rather than an addition.

I’ve kept some of what I started during my months of Match Madness (dubbed because of my activity on the dating website). I’m still more likely to say “yes,” I try to maximize my adventures and I’m not as afraid of being irresponsible or breaking the rules. I took some of that green grass from the other side and replanted it where I stand.

DSC_8192
Married…and definitely not missing out 🙂

 

Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (And What to Look Out For!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s official – we’re actively looking for a new dog (or two!) to bring into our home after the sudden loss of Tiger. It’s not easy. Brock and I both are vacillating between wanting to claim a dog ASAP to bring life back into our home and canine love back into our hearts and hesitating because so far, none of them have felt quite right. Adding to that is the very real desire to want to save them all.

Brock ordered a likeness of Tiger made by Shelter Pups for my Christmas present.

It’s amazing.

Made by Shelter Pups.
The real deal.

 

It’s hard to think and act rationally when we’re feeling so emotional. We are trying to be deliberate and intentional in our decisions and yet we keep questioning our choices too. Are we saying “no” to a particular dog because they’re not the right fit or because they’re not Tiger? Are we really ready to welcome a new companion, or are we still seeking a way to plug the hole in our hearts?

As we’re navigating this, I keep finding myself thinking about the emptiness I felt after divorce. There was an impulse to stuff myself full of every opportunity to avoid feeling the loss. Sometimes, I was able to resist that pull to fill the void through imprudent and unhealthy means that would make me feel better in the moment, but not in the long run. And other times, I allowed myself to believe in the false promises whispered by certain practices, telling me that I could feel better immediately.

Here are five unhealthy ways to fill the void that we tend to gravitate towards after divorce and also five healthier ways to address the emptiness.  Do you relate to any of these?