Guest Post: The Best Relationship You’ll Ever Have

Posted on by stilllearning2b

By Adriana Verdad

 

You Should Date Yourself

After failed attempts at dating, and developing feelings for someone who had none for me, I decided I really should try dating myself. Yes, I’d read about it, multiple times, on the internet, in your typical articles geared towards single women. Honestly, at first I thought it sounded super cheesy, and I even had a friend tell me that it was really cheesy, and maybe calling it “dating yourself” is. I’m not going to feed you some crap about how it’s not cheesy at all. It’s wonderfully cheesy. It’s as cheesy as The Notebook, the notion that someday some man will show up to take me on a surprise picnic, or the fact that after all I have been through, I still truly believe in true love. I embrace the cheesy, and I make zero apologies for it.

So, when I first decided to date myself, I thought of what it would look like. I thought of what types of dates I would go on with someone I was dating in the traditional sense: movies, dinners, drinks, coffees, picnics, festivals around town, the art museum, etc. I decided these types of things would work, but I also thought maybe I should see what other ideas were out there, and so yes, I turned to Google and Pinterest. I thought why not think outside the box, so I let others think outside the box for me, at first. I created a whole list on my phone of different types of date ideas, and I will share some of them with you in future posts.

I was more organized about this dating time I carved out for myself at first, clearly marking it down in my daily to do lists as a date with me. I protected this time, and rarely went outside of it, unless of course, a better opportunity came along, like an outing with my girlfriends, or a an actual (very rare) date popped up, or if I had a chance to hookup with someone, but in general these times were sacred to me, and I like that I was so protective of that time at first. It’s when the kids are at their father’s house of course, but I don’t really refer to it as dating myself , although it is. It’s akin to when you’re dating another person, and you settle into such a comfortable routine, that you don’t think so much about it anymore. Like at first, you are so worried about you wear, look like, or what you are going to plan at first, but you slide into a routine, a comfortable routine, with one another. I started to make it less organized, but I still definitely date myself. Now, it’s a Friday night of Netflix, or a Saturday full of reading on my sofa under a big cozy blanket. It might be a Sunday afternoon where I get cute, and take myself to the Art Museum to check out an exhibit I’ve been eyeing, or even my Tuesday night running club, that’s a date with me. I’ve spent a couple hours listening to my favorite music and coloring mandalas. I rarely cancel with myself if I don’t have to. Sometimes, I will go out to a bar, and people watch as I enjoy a couple new beers, or I will stay home and give myself a spa night. The point is, I make it a part of my regular routine. Let’s call it what it really is, self-care.

Just like you would devote time to a relationship that’s important to you, this is how I approach dating myself. The truth is, the relationship we have with ourselves, is far more important than any other. While, I’ll quickly tell you that my children are the most important people in my world, and they are, the reality is that if I don’t take good care of myself, then I’m not at my best to be there for them. This goes for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and even your career too. Dating myself will be something that I will never stop doing until I’m dead.

As I discussed in my last post about how being single has ensured that I will be a better future partner, time and space for yourself, and your partner, are essential to being at your best for one another. So yes, my future partner will have to realize that I need regular time to me. I am more than understanding that they will need time to themselves as well, and I not only highly encourage it, I think that they need it to be at their personal best. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I won’t be able to take a date by myself three times a week, but yes, I will most definitely be taking time out for myself to do things that excite my soul. I think once a week, or every couple weeks, is a good goal if you’re in a relationship, but I am saying that you should make it a priority. It’s called self-care, and it’s so important to helping you be the best lover and friend you can possibly be.

As I’ve said previously, I lost myself in my relationship/marriage, and I forgot who I was. I forgot about the things that brought me joy, put me into a state of flow, like reading and writing. I think that this was incredibly unhealthy for myself, my children, and my marriage. Here’s the deal- your relationship with your kids is significant, and your relationship with your partner will be there, and need to be whole, once the kids have grown up, and moved out, but in the end, you are what you really need. Let’s face it, kids will grow up, and won’t visit as much, spouses pass away, or move on sometimes, but you will always have you as long as you’re alive. While we certainly must give, nourish, and support our children, partners, family, and friends, even our colleagues, we cannot give to everyone else if we are not at our best.

Dating yourself, or if that phrase bothers you, self-care, or just calling it taking time for yourself, is important to keep your cup from overflowing with stress. So, please tell me in the comments below about how you’ve taken time for yourself this past week, or if you didn’t, how you plan to do it this upcoming week. I hope you will take literally one minute to fill in your email address and name below, and follow my blog so you can continue to learn to love the other side of life- whether that’s as a single person, or just loving the other side of your life, as in, the second half of it. Please share this with someone who could use a little encouragement, or validation, in the area of self-care. Thank you!

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!

Changing the Reflection in the Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

On the day after I was left, I looked in the mirror. I saw a woman who had been discarded. Thoughtlessly thrown away like some worn-out or unfashionable sneakers. Good enough to be walked on, but no longer deemed worthy of the necessary closet space.

Some days when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who wasn’t good enough. As though looking at a negative, I saw myself for what I was lacking rather than for what I possessed. “No wonder I’ve been abandoned,” I thought, “I’m obviously lacking.”

Other days, the reflection in the mirror seemed too loud, garish even. Fearing that my riotous reflection would clash with others, I pulled back, pulled in. I turned down my volume in an attempt to evade rejection.

We all have a particular reflection that we’re prone to glimpsing when we look in the mirror –

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m lazy.”

“I’m a piece of shit.”

“I’m weak.”

“I’m only valued for …”

“I’m too much.”

“I’m broken.”

“I’m a coward.”

Words that were spoken to us in childhood by trusted adults or inferred by internalizing and personalizing the actions of those around us.

And without our conscious awareness, that reflection becomes the lens through which everything else is filtered.

I first became aware of my self-reflection in the early days of my relationship with my now-husband. He would get angry about something (which was a new experience for me to navigate since my ex carefully tucked away any ire) and I would begin to panic.

Not because of the words that were said.

But because of the words that I heard.

It’s not what the words say. It’s what the words say to you.

If you believe that you’re worthless, a slight criticism becomes confirmation of your inferiority.

When you see yourself as a piece of shit, the slightest mistake that hurts another becomes evidence that you’re a jerk.

If you’re convinced that you’re only valued for your looks, a passing comment on your appearance supports the belief that people only care about your physical presentation.

Each remark – whether it be positive, negative or neutral – is heard within the context of our beliefs about ourselves.

We assume that others are seeing the same version of us that we see in our own reflection.

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your courage or strength in a moment where inside you were feeling scared and weak? It can be challenging for us to comprehend that how we feel inside is often not how we present ourselves to the world and that others may have a very different view of us than we do.

When it comes to ourselves, we hear what we believe.

In my case, if somebody insults my responsibility or work ethic, I can easily shrug it off. Those are character faults that are in no way present in my own self-image, so it is simple to see those barbs as poorly aimed and meaningless barbs. But if someone says something that matches the reflection of the worthless woman in the mirror? That hits close to home and can even become part of the portrait reflected back at me.

No matter how much the people around you change, what you hear won’t change until your own self-reflection does.

Here’s the hard part – you can change the people you surround yourself with. You can set and uphold boundaries about what sort of commentary about yourself you will permit. But as long as you still identify with that negative reflection, who will continue to hear the words that confirm your self-belief.

If you want to change how others treat you, it starts with changing how you see yourself.

What’s Your Superpower?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The summer movie blockbuster season is definitely upon us. And with it, comes the inundation of superheroes, each with their own strength and approach.

When I was growing up, I remember the heroes and villains were often presented as uni-dimensional, all-good or all-bad. They were fun, but they were far-from realistic.

Superheroes are instead like us – a blend of good and bad – only their traits are exaggerated for our entertainment.

In a meeting this summer, my principal challenged each of the teachers present to name their superpower. Some didn’t surprise me – the counselor who is good at building relationships, the coach who excels at motivating others, the creative teacher who is good at encouraging others to try new things.

But some were eye-opening. In some ways, I learned more about my coworkers through that brief exercise than I had in two years worth of meetings and trainings.

I noticed something else, too. As each person named and described their superpower, they grew a little taller in their chair. They were no longer passive recipients in a summer meeting; they had become agents of change and growth in the organization.

Right now, on the evening of my fourth day back with kids, I’m feeling anything but powerful. I’m beyond exhausted. I’m sure there’s a word for that, but even the thesaurus is too much for tonight. Yet, when I sat down at my home computer to respond to messages, I saw this title sitting in my drafts, waiting to be written. I remembered that day, several weeks ago, when I described my own superpower. And I suddenly felt a little less drained and a little more motivated to use my superpowers with the kids again tomorrow (after some couch time and some sleep!).

We’re all so good at the negative self-talk. We never hesitate to tell ourselves where we’re lacking or berate ourselves for our weaknesses.

When was the last time you named, much less celebrated, your superpower?

How about starting now?

What is YOUR superpower?

 

Why Self Awareness is Critical for a Healthy Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When asked to enumerate the critical components of a healthy relationship, most people appropriately include “communication” on their list. Communication certainly is critical to a healthy marriage; partnerships that depend upon mind-reading or are characterized by either raised or silenced voices rarely allow for intimacy and mutual support to develop.

Yet something is often missing from the discussion about communication – no matter how skilled a person is at delivering information in a clear and kind manner, they cannot convey what they do not know.

And so when it comes to relationships, self awareness is a vital precursor to communication. Before you can help somebody else understand you, you have to first know yourself.

 

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is an ability to observe and reflect upon ones feelings and responses. Anybody can feel an emotion; a self-aware person can name or describe the emotion. When somebody is self-aware, they are able to take a step back and describe themselves from a more objective viewpoint.

As with most things, self awareness exists on a continuum. Rather than being entirely present or entirely absent, it’s something that we all have to some extent. It begins when the infant first recognizes themselves in the mirror and continues when they learn to identify their agitation as “mad” or “sad.” Some people never advance much beyond those simplistic labels while others become quite adept at being able to describe their inner landscape and motivations. And for all us, self awareness tends to be easier in some areas than others.

Self awareness takes courage; you have to be willing and able to see the negative traits in addition to the positive ones. It requires curiosity, a willingness to ask questions and explore your reactions and assumptions. There is a certain humility that often accompanies self awareness because the imperfect nature of humanity is on full display whenever you look inward.

Awareness is separate from the ability to control an emotional response or make healthy decisions, but it is the first step. A self-aware person may not always act in their best interests, but with some effort, they will likely be able to identify the underlying cause of their behaviors. For example, two people may respond to a break up by drinking too much. The self-aware person will be able to identify that their fear and isolation from the break up is prompting them to look for an escape whereas the person who lacks this insight will fail to understand the reason for their imbibing.

Knowing yourself is never a perfect science. We all change (often below the conscious level) and we are all subject to the myriad fallacies of the human brain. We may reach conclusions that are not valid or neglect to face more undesirable characteristics. Self awareness is not about perfection. It’s not a goal to be reached and forgotten. It’s the consistent attention of a curious and questioning eye turned inwards.

 

Why Do Some People Lack Self Awareness?

One of the more common reasons that people may lack self awareness is from exposure to a traumatic experience. Trauma teaches people that their body, their self, is not a safe place to be. So after trauma, people often try to distance themselves from themselves. Looking too closely means having to face some painful and difficult truths, so instead they turn away. A knowledgeable therapist can be invaluable here in helping to reunite the person with themselves.

Others may have never been provided the instruction in developing a language to describe the inner working of their mind. And language is powerful. Without the words to describe what you’re feeling, there is a limited capacity to fully explore it, much less express it to others. The good news is that this language can be mastered no matter your age.

Some personality disorders also impact an ability to develop self awareness. Consider the classic narcissist whose inflated outer ego is a shield for a wounded and delicate inner self. They rarely seek therapeutic assistance because they cannot bear to see – or admit – the underlying pathology.

 

Why is Self Awareness Important in Relationships?

We all want to be seen and accepted for who we are. But first, it’s critical that we fully understand – and can communicate – who we are. A self-aware person has the tools to choose an appropriate partner, has the ability to reflect upon their own strengths and weaknesses and has the capacity to explore their role in the relationship dynamics.

Self awareness is key in boundary setting. Without an understanding of your own needs, it’s all-too-easy to subjugate them to others. You can’t stand up for yourself if you don’t know yourself.

You can equate a relationship to a dance between two people, an interplay of moves that requires a certain amount of cooperation and anticipation. Self awareness in a relationship is the equivalent of a dance partner knowing where their own body is in space; without this information, it is impossible for the couple to move in synch.

 

 

 

Finding Yourself When You’ve Lost Your Compass

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I went on a hike the other day with an amazing group of people. One of the women was not an outdoor person and so before she headed off, her loved ones gave her some tips, including, “Make sure you have a compass.”

I found her rotating her compass until she located true north and then she looked up at me and said, “Now that I have north, what do I do with it?”

I explained that without a map or general mental picture of the area, a compass can basically only ensure that you’re not traveling in circles, chasing your tail while in pursuit of an exit.

Conversely, a map without a compass is also of limited use. A goal without orientation or direction provides little more than hope.

But when combined, a map and a compass become a powerful tool. A wise and prudent guide in your hand taking you from where you are to where you want to be.

Any major life transition is not unlike being lost in the woods. The terrain is unfamiliar, the steps feel endless and panic can easily set in as you frantically seek an exit.

Start With Your Goal

Hopefully you have at least the rough outlines of a map – a picture of where you’ve been and where you want to go. Take the time to firm up this image. What words do you associate with the life you want to have? What does this life look like? Feel like? Make it as specific and tangible as possible.

Find Your True North

Reconnect with your core values and purpose. Think about those beliefs and passions that have persisted in you since childhood. If you’re struggling to identify these in yourself, ask your loved ones what words come to mind when they think about you. Look for similarities and trends in their answers. Let this be your guide.

Identify Your Obstacles

You know where you want to go and you know where you’re starting. Determine and name the possible barriers in the way of your destination. Although it’s tempting to begin your journey and just hope for the best, it’s prudent to be both mentally and physically prepared for the difficult stretches.

Hold Your Course

Once you have chosen your path, deviate from it as needed with your compass in hand. If you veer too far, you may find that you have lost your focus on what is important. If you refuse to be flexible in your approach, you may find that you become stuck.

Be Realistic In Your Goals

Much like the scale on a map, the scope of life’s journeys can be deceptive. Always allow plenty of time to get from one landmark to another and be forgiving with yourself about needing periods of rest. And remember that suggested times needed for the trail are just that – suggestions. Your use may vary.

Don’t Be Afraid to Explore

When you have you goals mapped out and you’re using your compass as a guide, it’s hard to get too lost. So take some time to explore what lies off the beaten path. Yes, it may be a dead end. But it also may be just what you’ve been looking for.