So, I realized after I filmed this that I neglected to go into much detail about the time immediately following the suicide attempt (like the text conversation my husband had with my mom – yeah, weird) and what happened with the other wife at that time. All that is detailed in the book along with much more of the humor around the court craziness. It just gets too detailed to try to explain verbally and, truth be told, I wanted to get on to the better stuff:) Hopefully, I won’t make anybody cry with this one!
Before you watch Part 3, please make sure you’ve seen Part 1 and Part 2.
Not long after we started dating, I accompanied my teenage boyfriend to his grandfather’s funeral. I had never met nor heard anything about the deceased; my first impression came from the pastor’s opening lines:
“It’s important to be nice, but it’s more important to be important.”
Surprised at the mutilation of the common quote, I turned quizzically to my boyfriend.
“He messed up,” he confirmed in a whisper, “But it’s accurate in this case.”
I spent the remainder of the service wondering about the life and priorities of a man who left his family with that impression.
Thanks for the positive feedback on the first video. I thought it might give a more “human” feel to the story and I’m glad to see that that seems to be the case.
I want to address a couple points. First, I don’t consider myself brave. I just think there is a need for a public dialog about divorce and deception. This kind of situation is so much more common that we know (for both men and women) but many don’t talk about it because they feel ashamed or foolish. The only shame is in remaining silent and allowing this continue and for people to feel alone and unsupported.
I know there are those that wonder why I still write and talk about this now that I am happily remarried and have moved on. I talk about it because there are still those going through it. I talk about because I want to show the depths I came from and give hope to those still there. I talk about it to show that it’s okay to still feel sad sometimes and that our pasts are a part of us.
Those of that read me regularly know that I don’t spend much time talking about those first few awful weeks. That’s because it makes me hurt for the Lisa of five years ago. I wish I could tell her that it would be okay great and that she would have love and life again.
Our minds are so skilled at focusing on one thing to the exclusion of others. We see what we expect to see. We look to verify our assumptions.
Sometimes our brains filter information so that we can focus on the most important information. Other times, our brains take shortcuts so that we can free up processing space for more pressing concerns.
But other times, our brains perform this sleight of mind in order to distract us from the real issues at hand.
I had someone contact me recently who was concerned about the attentions his wife gave to another man while they were separated. Because it was less painful to focus on that man than on the changing feelings of his wife.
I have a friend whose husband is suffering from a degenerative disease. She is focused on creating a home. Not because she doesn’t care about her husband, but because it is an area that is safe for her brain to tread.
After my ex left, I focused my attentions on the legal process and on trying to label him. It was too excruciating to process the loss, so my brain looked the other way.
We want so badly to have control. So we choose to focus on those things that we feel like we can change or command.
But remember, just because you didn’t see the bear, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 