Why is it that some people (those who have never been divorced, or even married, I would suspect) are so quick to lay blame on the end of a marriage. I mainly hear this when there is abandonment or infidelity involved; the expressed assumption is that the spouse on the receiving end must have somehow invited that behavior. It is not unlike the victim-shaming often applied to sexual assault victims or the way an abuser lays the blame at the feet of his/her abused. This mindset can be so damaging for those who are trying to come to terms with what has happened to them. Those who are trying to ascertain if they are damaged or not worthy. Those whose world has been torn asunder and who are looking to right themselves again. We need to reach out in kindness, not lash out in blame.
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In my own marriage, I accept responsibility that my intense nature and my mind prone to worrying helped to create an environment that was supportive of his dishonesty. Regardless, that did not make it okay for him to lie for years, embezzle money from the marriage, leave with a text message and no discourse, or commit bigamy. The blamers say he did those things because of me. In the early months, I felt he did those things to me. Now, I believe that he did those things despite of me. He was sick, he was unhappy, he was fighting addictions, and I just happened to be collateral damage.
If you find yourself quick to lay blame, please pause for a moment and think about the appropriateness of the label. Think about the consequences of the assumption. Try to examine the situation from multiple viewpoints.
If you find yourself being blamed, especially after your partner has committed adultery or left without notice, please understand that the blamer is lashing out due to their own insecurities and narrow views. You are not responsible for another’s actions.
Ultimately, blame is a distraction from the core issues in trauma and healing. It is a winless game; it’s best just not to play.
Online dating has been in the news lately, as people realize it is not a panacea for modern dating woes.
I found myself suddenly catapulted into the world of dating after a 16 year relationship. The last time I had dated, I was dating boys. Now, I would be dating men.
initially, the prospect of dating was interesting, but not appetizing. I would wonder what it would be like to kiss another man, but the actual kissing (not to mention the “getting to know you” stuff that usually precedes it) had no interest for me. None. Until the day a guy from the gym asked me out. It was though a veil had lifted. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by and hyper-aware of men. I was a kid in a candy store. A dog at the dog park. A moth trapped behind glass. It was overwhelming. It was exciting. It was exactly what I needed.
After a few dates with a couple guys from the gym, I realized two things: I was ready to start dating, at least at a casual level, and the gym was simply not a large enough sample for me to choose from (especially because my gym-vibe cultivates platonic male friendships, which I do not want to change).
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So, I turned to Match, posting the following profile.
I am a compilation of contradictions. I am the petite woman in pink lifting heavy weight at the gym. I love to go to action movies in heels and listen to classical music while on a run. I am an award winning math teacher who almost failed algebra II. I am a natural introvert who loves to be around friends. I appear to be reserved, yet I am actually quite open with my feelings. I abhor conventions; I choose to celebrate what makes me unique.
I am an intense person. I have strong opinions that I am not afraid to share. I make quick decisions and always know what my goals are. I am generally a thinker, analyzing everything around me.
I am a naturally curious person; I love to gain new knowledge. I love new experiences. I enjoy being with people who can teach me something new.
I love to travel, although circumstances have kept me close to home. I hope to remedy that soon.
I believe that you can tell quite a bit about a person by their habits. One of my habits is perusing a selection of websites to catch up on the news, the latest research, and the latest fun. I visit the following sites daily: CNN, The Weather Channel, Mental Floss, New York Times (especially the science and health sections), and Slate Magazine.
I value honesty, intelligence, and wit. I am looking to find someone to talk with, laugh with, and with whom to share experiences. Let’s meet for coffee and see if we’re a match.
The profile was completed with pictures my stepfather took of my during a Christmas visit. He and my mom got a laugh that they were responsible for the pictures used to find me a date.
I soon realized that I would need a way to manage the influx of emails. Being a geek and possessing an analytical mind, I of course created a metric and a spreadsheet to organize my experiences. In retrospect, I think I wanted the sheet and the evaluation system to be a guarantee, insurance that this guy was different than my husband. That this guy was honest.
The sheet filled quickly, as I went on dates daily (sometimes even doubling up on weekends). I was following my stepbrother’s advice, not wasting time time on much email or phone contact, and getting straight to the first meeting. The spreadsheet idea was abandoned after the first few weeks (I found I could remember and keep them straight better than I anticipated). It served its purpose; however, it helped to take me out of the impulsive shopping mode that online dating can trigger and it also taught me that I could trust myself. The spreadsheet was a useful tool, but it was only a tool, a security blanket. I didn’t need it to tell me who to date; I could use my intuition. Trust my gut.
I went into the whole experience just looking to learn more about myself, men, and the dating world. I was planning on moving across the country within 6 months, so I was not looking for anything serious. I viewed each contact as a lesson; what can I learn from this person? In that way, no date was a bad one, as there was always something to learn. I think this relaxed attitude led to my success with the system more than anything else. I went into Match and into each date with no expectations.
I spent 3 months on Match. In those 3 months, I became legally divorced, progressed through my healing process, decided not to move across the country, and met my current partner of 2 years. Just like the spreadsheet, online dating was a tool, but I still needed to now how to use it.
Boston - Boston Common: Parkman Plaza - Learning (Photo credit: wallyg)
One of the things I love most about my partner is that he sees himself as a perpetual student; he is always willing and eager to learn something new, even in an area where he is considered an expert.
Last year, we were out at dinner with a group of friends. One of our friend’s 8 year son opened the conversation with my boyfriend.
“Do you have a black belt?” the boy asked eagerly.
“I do,” came the reply.
“Actually, he has several,” interjected the boy’s dad.
“Wow! Does that mean you know everything?”
“Actually, a black belt means that you are ready to begin learning.”
I loved that response. It serves as a reminder to me to always be open to learning more, especially in those areas where I already have knowledge.
In that spirit, here are ten lessons that I am still learning:
1) Life doesn’t just have two speeds – on and off. It is not only possible to go slowly, but sometimes it is preferable.
2) It is okay not to be the first one at work; stuff still manages to get done even if I arrive after the custodians.
3) I’m working on learning to sleep past 6:00 am and considering the possibility of mastering the power nap.
4) A messy kitchen does not mean a chaotic life. It just means that people actually live in our house.
5) Sometimes it is okay for the play to come before the work. (I got this one from my dog)
6) I am still working on going downhill on wheels (bikes, skates, etc.). I just don’t trust those things!
7) Stretching is worthwhile exercise even if is doesn’t work up a sweat.
8) It is okay to relax.
9) Money will be there; I don’t need to get too stressed about it.
10) Always take time to appreciate what you have and remember to express your gratitude. Especially when the kitchen is messy.
He had lost himself. Somewhere along the way, he no longer knew who he was. Did the depression come first, leading him astray? Or did the depression tag along, following the self out the door? Regardless of the order, he was left a shell. Rather than face the void and explore its dark depths, he chose to avoid by creating a facade of a man. It must have been exhausting, balancing on that edge, trying not to fall while maintaining the illusion that he was nowhere near the cliff. He was a master at that delicate act for years. Even when he left, he thought he could continue to pull a Copperfield on those around him, using mirrors of deception to hide the enormous truth. The fall was inevitable. For a brief period after his arrest, he seemed to see the precipice, the darkness surrounding him just beyond the lights he used to distract and blind. Yet still, he was unable to face the pain, and he chose to continue being a master of illusion. By denying the void, he allowed it to grow.
I also avoided the truth in those years, not consciously, but on some deep level. I didn’t give any credence to the physical symptoms of anxiety that coursed through my body in the final few months; I wrote them off as work stress combined with my Type A personality. It’s hard accepting that I didn’t see the truth. I feel bad for me, but even more so, I feel like I failed him. One of the few regrets I have is that I didn’t know that he needed help before it was too late.
I expected to face my own void when he left. I loved that man, adored him. He had been the driving force in my existence for half my life. How could I lose him and not face a gaping wound? The initial loss was too raw, too overwhelming to feel any sense of loss. As I settled in to my new state of being, I surprisingly realized I didn’t feel as much emptiness as I expected. It was more like the void left after a tooth has been pulled: slightly sore with the occasional shocky bit, but mainly just strange and alien. Like one does with the tongue after losing a tooth, I explored the hole, drawn to its strangeness. At first, it consumed all my waking thoughts, but as time elapsed, it grew less prominent. I became accustomed to his absence faster than I ever anticipated, consciously filling that void with friends, activities, anything I could get my hands on. I survived not by teetering on the edge, but by filling in the hole. I am still aware of the place where he was, but accept that he was the tooth that needed to pulled for healing to occur.
I hope that he is not still trying to walk along that cliff or survive the darkness beyond. I wish that he, too, can find a way to heal the void.
I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I am leaving you and I am leaving the state.
That is the text I received on the above phone in July of 2009. Until today, it has remained my phone. Every time I’ve used it, the feeling of its curved case in my hands is a visceral reminder of the several days I spent grasping its cold body after receiving the text. That phone, the deliverer of the death sentence of my marriage, was the only possible connection I had to my former life. It was my executioner and my security blanket in one. It has overstayed its welcome in my life. As of today, it is retired from its duties.
I was nervous about the process of opening a new account; I still never know what will come up from my past. It was comforting to have a gentle salesperson who had also dealt with an ex’s financial betrayal. The look on her face told me she didn’t judge me and she understood.
My new phone is so much more than a phone. It already contains an image of my current beau and I after we completed a tough race (Tough Mudder, to be exact). It symbolizes freedom and connection with new technology (you can see that my old phone wasn’t exactly cutting edge!). It will allow me to more effciently pursue some of my projects and dreams. Most importantly, at least to me, is the fact that it stores no memories, its shape is virgin to my hand.
Today I have severed an important connection to my past. The phone that signaled the end of one life has been replaced by one that symbolizes the start of a new.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 