Procrastination of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
My Happiness (Powderfinger song)
Image via Wikipedia

I’ve never been one to put things off.  Even as a kid, I would do all of my weekend homework as soon as I got home from school on Friday so that I didn’t have it hanging over my head. Just a few months ago, we had to move suddenly and around the holidays.  I had all of the boxes unpacked and broken down in 24 hours.   I coined the term, “reverse procrastinator” to describe myself; I would get things done quickly and under pressure, but I would accomplish them at the beginning of the timeframe, rather than against the actual deadline.

I’ve never been one to put things off.  Apart from my own happiness, that is.

I used to have a tendency to tackle my endless lists, take care of those around me, and say that I would take care of myself tomorrow.  Or during the coming weekend.  Or maybe on the next school break.  The trouble was that something else would always come up and take precedence.  I didn’t see this as a big problem.  I was happy enough, content.  I thought that if I focused on my husband’s well-being, that would take care of the marriage.  Besides, it felt selfish to focus on myself.

But putting off my own happiness didn’t save my marriage.  It didn’t make my husband any happier.  All it did was allow a few more crossed off items on the to-do list than I may have been able to accomplish otherwise.

I see things differently now.  By taking time to take care of myself, I am a better teacher, a better partner, a better me.  I still reverse procrastinate, but now I make sure that my happiness is also on the list of things to accomplish.

If You’re Going to Be a Scumbag, It’s Best Not to Have a Dog

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I can thank a dog for my current relationship.  I had gone out on two Match.com dates with my current partner, but was leaning towards another guy (foolish, I know).  Then, I received an email that he had rescued a puppy and he attached a picture of the cutest pup with the biggest head I had ever seen.  Well, I simply HAD to pay a visit to the puppy, didn’t I?

I was impressed that evening, with the dog, but mainly with his owner.  The pup was around 6 months old and had been rescued about 6 weeks prior.  He was calm, secure, and very obedient.   I’ve watched enough Cesar Millan to know that this says more about the owner than the dog.  I learned more about my boyfriend’s character that night through his dog than I had in two dates.  I still had trouble trusting words that were spoken to me, but I knew that his relationship with his dog and his dog’s behavior could not be faked.

Dogs have an amazing ability to see inside a person.  They do not fall for external appearances; they see through that smile to the emotions hidden below.  Their behavior reflects that of the humans around them; if their owners are stressed and unbalanced, they will be too.  They are mirrors.  If I had been more astute, I might have picked up on this from the dogs I had in my marriage; they became stressed and withdrawn, especially the dog that was my husband’s.

So if you’re a scumbag and want to keep that fact hidden, it’s probably best that you don’t get a dog.  They just might reveal your true nature.

Now that’s a balanced, happy pit bull!

Why I Became a Tough Mudder

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I told my family last year that I had signed up (and paid good money) for an 11 mile obstacle run, I think their first response was to shuffle through their contacts looking for the psychiatrist I saw in the early months of the divorce.  “You’re doing WHAT?  Why?,” I heard repeatedly, usually followed with a resigned head shake, “You’re crazy.”  Crazy I may be, but I felt compelled to do the event and I am so glad that I did.  Tough Mudder was more to me than a run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few months after the July disaster of my marriage, I signed up for my very first race ever: a half marathon.  This was a bit preemptive, since not only had I never competed, I still was weak and skinny.  I went into that race only having completed the distance once before.  That was the worst race of my life (cold, rain, illness), but I endured and made it through.  It was exactly the confidence boost I needed at that point.

Over the next several months, I ran more races, but none of them required me to dig all that deep into myself.  None of them gave me the sense of triumph over adversity that I was seeking.

 

Then came Mudder.  My boyfriend was the one who actually found this race and he proposed that we enter together.  I loved the idea immediately. With a shared purpose, we hit the gym with renewed vigor and not a little trepidation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The event itself was unbelievable.  It turned out that it was slated to be held in a dry county, so the money that normally went towards beer instead paid for a longer track – almost 15 miles up and down (did I mention up?) a motocross track.  The temperature was cold, and the water obstacles were colder, as volunteers emptied flats of ice into the streams.

 

 

 

It was an amazing challenge for my boyfriend and I to tackle together.  It gave a true sense of working together and overcoming adversity.  My other races had been alone; it was beautiful to have someone to share this with.  It helped me learn to trust him, learn that he was not going to abandon me when the going got tough.  We pushed each other, encouraged each other, lifted each other, and even shared some muddy, sweaty kisses.  It was amazing.

I think everyone, especially those re-centering after trauma, should do their own version of Tough Mudder. Something that pushes you further than you comfortably want to go.  Something to show you what you can accomplish.  Something to show you that discomfort is temporary.  Something to show you that the support of friends can help get you through when you want to quit.  When the big picture of what you have to overcome is too big, it helps to have a little Mudder to think back on and realize, “I can do this.”

 

 

 

Tough Mudder logo
Image via Wikipedia

 

…and a Small Step Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have developed a bit of mail phobia since my divorce; it has a tendency to bite me just when I feel relaxed.  I got bit today.

I posted about my huge (psychologically speaking) win with the IRS when I was granted innocent spouse relief a month ago.  It seems like I let my guard down about taxes a bit too soon.  Today I received a letter from the state that the refund I was owed for 2012 will be applied to an outstanding balance (that I did not know about) from 2006, one of the years the IRS took away my culpability for.  It’s so hard not to let the anger surge forth again.  The dollar amount is not what bothers me, it is the fact that he still has not addressed his responsibilities and that I am still being asked to pay for his deeds two years after the legal divorce.  It makes me want to stomp and scream, curse his name, and declare how unfair it is.

But none of that will help.

The reality is that it is my mess to clean up even if I didn’t make it. I just need to get my big girl panties on, be thankful for what I have, and move on.

After I visit the punching bag, that is:)

Rebooting: Are You in Safe Mode?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Rebooting in safe mode. 

Divorce is a major reboot of your life.  Control-Alt-Del of all that is familiar.  The process can vary, some may have time to save and safely exit their open files.  For others, applications are subdued with repeated clicks of the “force quit” button.  Divorce causes damage to the system, errors and gaps.  For most of us, we have to start our lives over again in safe mode.

According to Microsoft,

Safe mode is a troubleshooting option for Windows that starts your computer in a limited state. Only the basic files and drivers necessary to run Windows are started. The words “Safe Mode” appear in the corners of the display to identify which Windows mode you are using. If an existing problem does not reappear when you start in safe mode, you can eliminate the default settings and basic device drivers as possible causes.

After a divorce, safe mode means that your life is powered up again in a limited state.  Only the necessary applications  for living are in place; it is survival mode.  There is nothing wrong with this state; in fact, it is often required to be able to function at all.  However, just as a computer in safe mode is not truly operational, a life in safe mode is not truly living.  Safe mode is a time, a space, a tool that should be used to diagnose and treat any maladaptive hardware or software issues so that a full reboot can occur.

Look at your own life.  Are you in safe mode?  Does this state still serve you, or is time to complete the repairs and perform a full reboot of your life?