Is It Love? The False Dawn of a Rebound Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rebound relationship

I remember the first time I felt alive again after my husband left-

I was giddy that night, retelling the tale of the improbable day to my friend, my heart standing at attention like a new recruit. My mind was swarming with the possibilities. My body tingled with the memory of touch and trembled at the thought of more. I felt alive, awakened. For twelve amazing hours, I could forget about the pain and the misery and pretend to be healed.

Pretend being the operative word.

Like many people recently out of a serious relationship, I clung to that feeling. It was such a relief after months of drowning in anguish and anger. I wanted more. It was like a drug, damping the pain. That spark awakened my body after the slumber of trauma and survival. I feared my body had forgotten how to feel pleasure much like it had forgotten how to eat. I was relieved to discover that some lessons are not easily forgotten. I relaxed into the respite from my daily struggle with the legal system, as I was still in the gory midst of a malignant divorce. But most of all, I felt hope, optimism that I would be able to trust again. To love again.

I wanted that spark to be real, to be fanned into a full-fledged flame that would continue to burn. But the truth was that I was nowhere near ready. I still relied on medication to get me through the endless nights and to trick my body into eating. I still became overwhelmed by the tears that seemed to sneak up on me. I still responded physically to telling my story and I avoided known triggers like they were land mines ready to explode. I was still learning how to be single; I certainly didn’t yet know how to be partnered again.

I was ready for the idea, but not the reality. I was prepared for the fantasies but not the work. I wanted so desperately to be healed and that spark let me believe, at least for a moment, that I was. But the truth is that the spark was real, but the promises of an easy escape were simply a mirage, glittering temptingly on the horizon.

For several reasons, that spark of attraction never developed into anything resembling a relationship. It was there and then it was gone, gifting me with the desire and confidence to enter the dating scene.

Yet often that’s not the case.

Sometimes that spark is nurtured into flame, lighting up the sky with the false dawn of a rebound relationship.

It can be a beautiful sunrise, warming your soul and becoming a ray of light to guide you out of the darkness of divorce.

And like a sunrise, it’s usually fleeting.

How do you know if it’s love or a rebound?

Follow on the Heels of the End

Rebound relationships follow closely behind the end of another relationship. I’m not a fan of absolutes when it comes to the time needed to heal and process the end of a marriage – it’s too individual and dependent on too many factors. Before you’re ready for love again, you need time to exhale the sadness from your divorce. You need enough distance to gain perspective. And perhaps most importantly, you need to be in a place where you’re not grasping or running away, as neither is a good way to start a healthy relationship.

There’s wisdom in the saying that you have to be okay alone before you can be okay in a relationship. And it takes some time to learn to be okay alone.

Ignite Quickly

These relationships tend to burn hot – an intense attraction that feels overwhelming to your previously deadened self. They can make you feel animated. Exhilarated. Intoxicated. It can create a sense of, “THIS is what I’ve been missing.”

Sometimes real love can ignite quickly. But at some point, it has to settle into a smolder if it’s going to last.

Seems to Solve All Your Problems

Maybe your ex didn’t make you feel appreciated and this new person expresses gratitude for your every breath. Perhaps you felt disconnected and alienated from your former spouse and the new crush makes you feel attached and understood. A rebound relationship often seems to solve all of our problems by replacing one person (who obviously wasn’t a good fit) with one that seems custom-made.

It would be nice if creating a strong relationship was all about finding the “right” person. But that’s only the first step. In order to build and maintain love, you also have to address your own issues and fears and judgments that led you to this place. Nobody is going to save you other than you.

Ignore Inconvenient Truths

If somebody appears to be perfect, they’re either hiding something or you’re ignoring something. Rebound relationships often exist in the world of make believe, built on hopes and dreams. And that’s a weak foundation because at some point, reality will intervene.

Love, on the other hand, sees those flaws and accepts them.

Possess False Intimacy

A couple in a rebound relationship can appear to be very close, extremely connected and intimate. Yet it’s often a false intimacy because neither partner is willing or able to become completely vulnerable. If one person is in a savior role, they are using their position to refrain from feeling emotionally exposed. If one (or both) possess a victim mindset, they are leaving parts of themselves protected.

Love takes intimacy. Intimacy takes vulnerability. And vulnerability takes trust, self-awareness and time.

Creates Disproportionate Pain Upon Ending

Sometimes rebound relationships mature into love. And often they end within a relatively short period of time. And the pain of that ending is frequently disproportionately large to the duration of the relationship. I often have people tell me that the end of the rebound is more painful than the end of the marriage. That happens for several reasons – a loss of hope, a realization that a different and infinitely more difficult path is required and the allowance of the brunt of the pain of the divorce (that was delayed due to the rebound).

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Some people advise to avoid rebound relationships. Not bad advice, but often impossible to follow since it’s difficult to see a rebound while you’re surrounded by it.

Instead of striving for complete avoidance, I counsel restraint – don’t rush into any major decisions in a relationship that ignites soon after your divorce. There’s no hurry.

Be honest, with yourself and with your partner, about where you are in the healing process.

Pay attention to your motivations – are you running away from an uncomfortable truth or grasping on to keep from drowning?

Besides, rebound relationships have value – They give you a moment of respite and hope. They highlight want you want in a relationship and what you need to address in yourself before you’re ready. And rebound relationships give you the belief that you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can love and be loved again.

Do’s And Don’ts When Your Partner Withdraws

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be quite painful when you sense that your partner is pulling away or retreating within. It’s easy to climb the panic ladder, following a trail of assumptions that determine that the withdrawal is a sign of a fatal condition.

And yes, withdrawal is a sign. A sign that something is unbalanced in your partner’s world and he or she is attempting to reinstate equilibrium. And that’s often an inside job.

So what’s your role when your partner withdraws? What actions are better avoided and which ones will render aid to the situation at hand?

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Don’t take it personally.

When somebody pulls away, it’s natural to jump to the conclusion that they’re pulling away from you. Yet that’s often not the case. In fact, here are 7 reasons that people withdraw in relationships. And many of those have nothing to do with the relationship at all.

And yes, maybe this particular withdrawal does originate from the relationship or perhaps it is a sign of a negative pattern of communication. But nothing good can come from reaching that conclusion prematurely.

Don’t smother.

My childhood dog was a free spirit, a wild child that always viewed an open door or loose dirt beneath a fence line as an opportunity for adventure. The first few times she escaped, I would run after her in desperation.

Which only made her run harder.

Eventually, I learned to sit still and she would often come to me.

When we are afraid of losing something (or someone), we often respond by grasping. When we feel suffocated by something (or someone), we often respond by running.

Don’t withdraw.

It can be painful to feel a distance between you and partner. Lonely. Isolating. And some respond to this pain by retreating inward themselves. And yes, it can feel safer behind that door. But two locked doors are more difficult to breach than one.

Don’t obsess.

Don’t provide sanctuary for a mindworm that feeds upon your fears. Your cyclical thoughts only serve to make you miserable; they offer nothing in the form of resolution or peace.

Don’t enable.

If your partner is making poor choices or refusing to seek assistance when it is obviously necessary, refrain from enabling those behaviors. Think tough love. Not sacrificial love.

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Do set boundaries.

Struggle is no excuse to act sh*tty. You do not  have to tolerate any and all behaviors. Decide where your boundaries lie. Communicate them. And then stand by them. Here is some further information on boundary-setting.

Do take care of yourself.

You’re in a tough spot. A position of helplessness and alienation. So be kind to yourself. Step up the self-care. Rally the supporters. Seek connection and reassurance from safe sources. Never allow one person to determine your worth.

Do seek an explanation.

You deserve to know what is going on. It may be that your partner does not have the words or ability to understand his or her own actions yet. You may need to be patient while being persistent that it is their responsibility to dig into the root causes of the behavior. And just how patient you will be is up to you (see boundaries).

Do be introspective.

While your partner is dealing with his or her own stuff, take an opportunity to examine your own thoughts and beliefs. I often see spouses giving up when their partner refuses to participate in couple’s counseling. When often, this is a great time to seek help by yourself, for yourself. It is a great time to examine patterns and assumptions that you may carry that impact your relationship.

Do offer support.

You and your partner are a team. And team members step up when one is taken down.

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Remember that you cannot control another’s actions, only your response. You cannot force your partner to come out of hibernation. But you can decide how you will survive the winter.

How to End a Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
end a marriage

How to end a marriage…

The end of a relationship is excruciating whether you are initiating the breakup or you are on the receiving end of the news. Those who are in the position of being the one to announce the end face the additional pressures of being secure in their decision and they shoulder the stress of deciding how and when to end it.

This flowchart gives you a guideline for how to end a relationship. Obviously, not all possibilities are included, but it can serve as a framework for your own situation.

how to end a relationshipA – Use Your Words (How to Have the Difficult Conversations)

B – Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

C – How to Save a Marriage in Ten Steps

Notice what is absent from this chart – ghosting, abandonment, manipulation and withdrawal. Remember you once loved this person. No matter the circumstances, there is no reason to be cruel.

 

A Divorce Proposal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I think we can all agree that ending a marriage should require at least a conversation.

But that doesn’t always happen. All too often, because of cowardice, denial or just plain dirtbaggery, one partner makes the decision unilaterally and simply walks out the door with hardly a “good bye.”

And for the one left behind, the abruptness is devastating. Confusing. Even dehumanizing as such an important conclusion was reached without any input or consideration.

Of course the, “I want out” conversation is one that nobody wants to have. And it’s not surprising that some people simply find a way to sidestep the discussion on their way to packing their bags. But maybe, just maybe, if we can reframe the end of a relationship in the same terms as we use for the beginning of a relationship, we can encourage people to have the talk.

Rebecca Wissink offers a new way to think about the conversation that proceeds the signing of separation papers – the divorce proposal. Read about her idea here and let her know what you think.

When Will My Divorce Be Over?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When will my divorce be over?

It seems like such a clear-cut question, doesn’t it? Obviously, the divorce is over when the legal process is finalized and you receive a decree embossed with your local court’s seal.

But that’s only a piece of the puzzle; that’s when the state sees you as divorced. Not necessarily when you do.

Because a divorce, like a marriage, is so much more than a piece of paper.

There are certain benchmarks that you have to meet before you can relax and truly see your divorce as over. These are in no particular order because they may occur at a different point for each person. And the timeline for healing will be different for everyone.

Release of Hope

Before you can view your divorce as final, you have to first accept that your marriage is over. Maybe you’re a fixer and you are still desperately trying to patch things together. Maybe you are still in disbelief and you keep hoping that your soon-to-be-ex will change his or her mind. Or maybe you have weathered many ups and downs over the course of your marriage and you are holding on to the idea that this down will again be followed by an up. It makes sense to hold on to hope as long as possible. After all, you don’t want to discard a marriage that is still salvageable. However, it’s also important to accept that you cannot control your partner’s choices and you cannot save a marriage on your own.

Acceptance of Circumstances

Divorce changes every aspect of your life – from living situation to lifestyle. Maybe you lost money in the deal or were ordered to pay alimony. Or the judge ordered joint custody when you were hoping for full. Perhaps you were made to move out of the marital home and your suburban spread has been replaced with a run down apartment. You may feel like your current situation is not fair, that you are being made to pay for situations beyond your control. And you may be right. Divorce isn’t about fair. It’s about getting through and moving forward. And that begins with accepting where you are.

Completion of Legal Matters

Divorce may be more than a piece of paper, but the acquisition of that paper sure can be a drawn-out and expensive process. And it’s difficult (if not impossible) to feel like the divorce is over while you’re still producing documents and cutting checks to lawyers. I have such empathy for those involved (either by circumstance or state law) in a year+ process (although I didn’t always feel that way). It’s difficult living in that limbo of separation where you’re neither married nor divorced.

Construction of Framework for New Life

It’s difficult to feel a sense of completion when the old chapter may be finished but the next is still a dark void. It’s much easier to feel like the divorce is fully behind you when you have at least the basics for the next steps in your life sketched out. You don’t have to know everything about the life you want to create post-divorce as much will unfold over time, but aim for some insight. Put the energy into laying out the framework for your new life; scaffolding makes moving forward more manageable.

Tempering of Bitterness

Are you still holding on to anger towards your ex or carrying a sense of derision for relationships in general? Even if you aren’t ready to date again (or even ever want to date again), this negativity makes it difficult to put the divorce behind you. Sometimes the residual acrid emotions are our attempt to avoid facing the sadness and loss hidden beneath. Other times, the anger is our shield because we are afraid of being seen as vulnerable and weak. Much of the time anger is simply pain screaming to be heard. So listen and answer.

Easing of Fear

Much like anger, fear can serve as a tether, holding you to your divorce. It’s scary facing the world alone when you’re used to having your spouse by your side. It’s terrifying to start over when you don’t even trust that you can stand. It’s daunting to think about dating again and starting a new relationship from scratch. And it may be even scarier to imagine being alone forever. The only way to lessen fear is to face it. Once you conquer those first few “I can’ts,” you’re confidence will build until you know you can.

Restoration of Balance

There is nothing balanced about life while you’re going through a divorce. Your emotions are running the show and are frequently as well behaved as a toddler on a sugar crash. You may be eating too much or too little or just too much of the wrong stuff. Perhaps you’ve become adept at avoiding reality through alcohol or distractions. Part of regaining your life after divorce is establishing healthy habits and a balanced environment. Re-evaluate what occupies your life and remove what no longer serves you.

Ultimately, your divorce is over when you see it as something that is a part of your story, your past. It no longer defines you or limits you. It speaks of where you’ve been, not where you are going. It’s an ending, yes. But one that allows a new beginning.

Related: Happiness is Divorce in the Rearview Mirror