The Five Kinds of People You Need in Your Life During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is an all-hands-on-deck proposition. These are the five types of people you need to make sure you have in your life during divorce:

The Never-Married

Strangely enough, you may find that your single friends are the best equipped to sit with you through the even the most brutal emotions. That’s because your divorce can ignite fear in your married friends, as they grapple with (or seek to avoid) the possibility that it could happen to them and it may trigger old and painful memories in your divorced friends. On the other hand, an empathic single friend may be able to hear your greatest sorrows and greatest fears because it doesn’t hit too close to home.

Additionally, your single companions are excellent models of independence. On those days when you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to be able to do it all without your partner, look to these friends for inspiration and advice. They can help you find the joy and the freedom inherent in being single and help you distinguish between being alone and being lonely.

Your friends that are not married may be more available for you and may have more flexible schedules. They can be your activity partners and your on-call support system. You can hang out with them on those days when you simply can’t bear to see another happy couple.

On the other hand, those that have never been married may be dismissive about the enormous impact your divorce has on you. They’ve never been there and so they may struggle to “get it.” This does not necessarily indicate that they don’t care; it just means that they cannot fully understand.

The Divorced

These are the friends that get it. They’ve been there and they understand the magnitude of what you’re going through. They will nod in understanding when you talk about the endless hours of the nights or the heart-breaking feeling of seeing your daughter’s tears upon learning the news.

Your divorced friends can offer you concrete advice and ideas about how to navigate this transition. You may be offered everything from a good attorney’s name to suggestions about how to remove your ex’s name from your insurance. These friends become your informal mentors as you learn from their steps and missteps.

Perhaps the most important gift that your divorced friends have to offer is one of hope. Maybe you witnessed their breakdown after the breakup of their own marriage and now you see them thriving years later. Whether they’ve found a new partner or decided to remain single, they are the living, breathing proof that there is life after divorce.

Conversely, you may find that you have some divorced friends that are still angry, still bitter. When they learn of your impending divorce, they may delight at finding someone else who can share in this acrimonious bath. Be wary of this energy; it’s not only toxic, it’s contagious.

The Married

Whereas the divorced friends may make you feel like giving up on love, your married friends remind you that it’s still possible. The best of these friends let their vulnerability peek through, sharing with you their own trials and fears within their marriage as well as revealing the love they still have for their spouse. Unlike the “Facebook perfect” couple, seeing the real and imperfect people within the real and imperfect marriage helps you come to terms with the fact that every marriage faces hard times and that it’s possible for love to still prevail.

By watching your married friends as you start to analyze the end of your marriage, you may begin to realize how your relationship went off the rails. Watching others interact can help you learn what you want and who you want to be in your next relationship.

If your friend’s marriage isn’t so good, it can serve as a reminder that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the aisle. In fact, it may even bring a sense of relief that you’re no longer in a similar situation.

No matter how wonderful your married friends are, they can be painful to be around, as they serve as a reminder as what you no longer have. Sometimes, often unintentionally, they may say or do something that promotes a sense of guilt, shame or failure in you because your marriage ended and theirs has not.

The Young

Your married friends can sometimes be judgmental about your relationship status. Children never are. With their limited experiences and smaller worldview, they simply accept you as you are without regard to what’s happening behind the scenes.

The curiosity and exuberance of children is catching. When you spend time with them, you begin to see the world through their eyes, full of wonder and possibility. They encourage openness and playfulness, both traits often lacking during divorce.

However, too much time around the young during times of difficulty can amplify your feelings of despair as you contrast their naïve innocence with the brutal reality of what you’re experiencing.

The Old

The elderly can bring the duel gifts of perspective and wisdom during life’s trials. They have lived long enough to experience many cycles of growth and contraction. They have seen how tragedies can often become the birthplace of greatness. They can share stories of loves found and lost and found again. And they can share their own struggles and speak to the overcoming of it.

The words passed down from those who have lived through it all are a reminder that this is merely one chapter of your life and that there is hope for you still.

 

Assuming Intent

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The year was 1997. Accomplished chess player Garry Kasparov was again facing a unique opponent, the computer known as Deep Blue. When the computer made a move that appeared irrational to Garry, he grew agitated and visibly upset. Understanding that the computer was programmed to “see” all of the possible outcomes many moves into the future, Gary assumed intent behind this seemingly nonsensical decision. Frustrated, Garry walked away, forfeiting the game.

Only later to find out that the strange move by the computer was driven not by advanced programming, but rather by a glitch in the software. Garry had assigned intent to the move, when it was actually just a random action in response to an error.

I found myself thinking of Garry yesterday when I was attempting to navigate the icy roads of Atlanta after a surprisingly large snowstorm. A car suddenly cut in front of me in order to move from the far right lane to far left. At first, I was angry, assuming that this person knew about the cars behind him and intentionally made the decision to cut them off, slippery roads not withstanding.

And then a red light allowed me the opportunity to study the man behind the offending car. Far from the cocky and arrogant demeanor I expected from someone who apparently believed they had the run of the road, he seemed lost. Confused, even. I had been assuming intent behind his actions, when his countenance made it seem more like it was a random (and careless) action in response to an error.

How often do we fall into similar traps? Assigning meaning to the meaningless… Believing in intent when it’s accidental… Envisioning targets on our backs when really we just happen to be standing in between the arrow and its goal…

When we see the outcomes, we easily believe that we also understand the motivations. We assume intent and often act on these assumptions. Yet when we do so, we’re responding not to the reality of the situation, but rather our premature understanding of it.

The next time you find yourself assigning intent to someone’s actions, think of Garry and take a moment to consider that maybe what you’re seeing is just a mistake.

 

 

 

The Five Kinds of People You Need in Your Life During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I developed an unlikely friend during divorce. She was 22 to my 32. She was wildly single, never having even been in a single serious relationship, whereas I had been partnered half of my life. She was carefree, while I was burdened. Naive in contrast to my tendency to somehow attract too much life experience.

Yet even though we were polar opposite in many ways, she became not only a friend, but even a type of mentor for me.

Because divorce is a strange time. You lose some friends, yet you gain a greater appreciation for those who stay. You cut some people off while you extend an invitation to others. You may find yourself drawn to different kinds of people and more receptive to the gifts that they have to offer.

Through hindsight and the unique perspective of hearing about the divorce recovery process from so many others, here are the five (very different) kinds of people that can help you through divorce. 

 

 

 

Are You Harboring Any of These Toxic Thoughts?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
toxic thoughts

By now, I think we’re all pretty aware of toxic people. Those emotional vampires who use, abuse and bully their way through life. We’re better able to identify those one-sided relationships that leave us shattered and shelled, picking our splintered pieces off the floor. And we’re less tolerant of the mistreatment, less willing to provide sanctuary and more apt to excise toxic people from our lives.

It’s important that we tend to that external garden, pull those weeds from our lives and erect boundaries to contain those prone to overgrowth and encroachment. Yet it’s perhaps even more critical that we attend to our inner garden, nurturing those thoughts that beautify us and eradicating those that become noxious weeds.

Are you harboring any of these toxic thoughts?

If Only

The “what ifs” are the kudzu of the mental landscape, covering everything else with their tenacious tendrils until your normal thoughts are starved for both light and air. The thoughts of what might have been or what could potentially be are seductive, whispering possibilities of dreams unrealized, situations untenable and paths never taken. These thoughts of “If only things were different…” are toxic because they are rooted in fantasy and magical thinking, counting on only wishes to grow. Their winding ways make us feel as though we’re taking action, yet they really just keep us moving in circles.

Instead, use your desire for things to be different to identify areas of discontent. Then, clear away the winding wishes to see what truly lies beneath. You may likely find that the source of your dissatisfaction isn’t what you initially thought as you begin to see things differently. And then, once you know what you’re working working with, you can devise a plan. And some real action.

I Can’t

The toxic thoughts of “I can’t” cause us to see walls where they do not exist, holding us prisoner of our own minds. “I can’t” and its cousin, “it’s impossible” shut down any possible solutions before they’re even entertained. These toxic thoughts are fertilized by fear, the anxiety of attempting something and finding it difficult or even reaching failure stamping down the motivation to even try.

Before you allow yourself to reach the conclusion that something is impossible, allow your mind to explore the possibilities without censor. Play with the ideas. Don’t worry yet about the feasibility. Yes, part of this exercise is to help you discover a potential solution or option. But perhaps the most important part of this assignment is simply to help you realize that you are not trapped. Even though some ideas may be impossible, others will be within reach.

I’m Broken

The injurious thought of “I’m broken” has a permanence to it. It suggests that the breakage is absolute and endless, a shattered and worthless self scattered upon the floor.  It’s a natural thought to have when you’re experiencing the gut-ripping of piercing pain and facing a situation that has left you undeniably changed.

It makes sense to accept the alterations that have occurred in your life and, in response, to you. It’s healthy to begin where you are (as opposed to living with the “if onlys”). Yet it’s limiting (and not accurate) to think that the pain and the change mean that you can never be whole again. You’re different, yes. And you have everything you need to be okay again.

You may feel like you’re in pieces, but you don’t have pieces of you missing. Here’s one of the best allegories of that concept ever done.

It’s All or None

“I’m not ready to get married again, so I can’t date.”

“My ex was unfaithful, therefore all men will cheat eventually.”

“My attempt at online dating was unsuccessful, so I’m destined to be alone forever.”

All of these statements contain the poison of all or none thinking at their core. An inevitable line is drawn from a single date to a wedding. One person’s bad behavior is extended to an entire gender. And a failure in one venue for a period of time is assumed to continue in all arenas and for all time.

All or none thinking is a form of mountaining – looking at our obstacles in such a way as to make them appear much larger than they actually are. These can be difficult thoughts to dismiss because they do contain some truth and it’s often easier to write off an entire choice rather than explore the issue further.

Be conscious of the path your thoughts lead you down. You may be reaching conclusions that are more mirage than reality.

Outcome-Focused

This type of toxic thinking is related to, “I’ll be okay if…” It confuses our agency over our actions with control over the outcomes. And that’s a fruitless and frustrating place to occupy because your energy is being directed elsewhere while you begin to feel drained.

When our thoughts are focused on the external results, we risk missing opportunities for internal adjustments. Furthermore, we may attach false beliefs and labels to ourselves, believing we “failed,” when really we’re measuring the wrong thing. Be aware of your locus of control. If something exists outside of that, release any attachment to the outcome and instead pay attention to what you can alter.

Here’s a quick rundown of what is your stuff…and what is not.

I Give Up

Knowing when and being willing to let go is an excellent trait to have. And it is completely different than the toxic thought of giving up.

Giving up is born from fear or frustration. Sometimes this is wise. Your fear may be telling you that the path is too treacherous and it is safer to turn back. However, fear is a sly companion. It is the taxi driver capitalizing on your ignorance to lead you astray. Fear will lie to you and tell you that you are in mortal danger when, in fact, you are perfectly safe. When you quit, you are listening to that fear and believing its stories. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed that you chose to throw in the towel. You may get defensive, throwing up walls and justifying your decision. When we give up out of fear, we often feel unfinished. Unsatisfied. Unsettled. When you let fear be your chauffeur, your destination will not be the one you intended.

Letting go happens when you face your fear. It is that moment when your fear is telling you to grip tight and you choose to release. Letting go is born of acceptance, an understanding that you cannot control all of the outcomes. Letting go gives a sense of peace. Of weightlessness. Giving up is easy. Letting go is not. It is conscious, deliberate act that may take years or decades. It requires patience and compassion. Give yourself that gift and be the driver of your own life.

Beneath the Uniform

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Last Sunday found me curled up on the sofa next to Brock, my trusty laptop in my hands, watching the Braves lose to Detroit while I Googled, “Naked baseball players.”

Perhaps an explanation is needed here. I didn’t really want to see naked baseball players; I was looking for baseball players in their underwear.

Stay with me:)

I am relatively new to world of sports; I only started watching when Brock and I began dating three years ago. Since I have an interest in health and fitness, I was immediately drawn to learn about the training programs for the various sports and teams. I was already familiar with football training, thanks to my teenage subscription to Muscle and Fitness. I also knew the effect of that training on their bodies – not only did M&F prominently feature these men, but their nearly bare bodies can be seen in national ads.

But not so with baseball players. They are much more secretive.

My search began with curiosity about  their butts. At my first Braves game, I immediately noticed that the read ends of the players were quite prominent. I wondered if that was a result of selection bias or training. Not surprisingly, it is a bit of both. Scouts look for big butts and thighs because that is where the power comes from. Then, training focuses on developing that explosive force which leads to greater muscular development.

But I still wasn’t satisfied. I was curious about what lay beneath the uniforms, as many of these men appeared to be rather chunky, especially for pro athletes. I made an assumption based upon their thick lower bodies and blousy tucked-in shirts.

Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me and I turned to the all-knowing Google for answers. My first queries were tamer – “baseball player physiques”, “baseball players shirtless” and “baseball players in underwear”. No luck. Apparently, baseball players like to hide their bodies as much as football players like to display theirs.

I summoned my courage and typed, “Naked baseball players.”

Not a search I would necessarily recommend. But it was enlightening.

Not surprisingly, my assumptions were wrong. Some of the players are certainly carrying some extra weight but many others hide six-pack abs under their voluminous shirts. The uniforms may be identical yet the players they cover are unique and resist stereotypes.

It was a reminder about the uniforms that we all wear in our lives. The outward presentation that does not always match the inside.

It takes courage to remove your uniform and reveal the vulnerable self beneath. To show the world who you are without the socially-approved costume disguising your form.

People make assumptions based upon what we show them. Those labels can persist, even though they may not be accurate or inclusive. We can feel comfortable behind the uniform, fearing that to remove it would be to stand out too much from the crowd, perhaps painting us as the weak gazelle at the back of the pack.

The trick to being comfortable revealing what hides behind your outward attire is to accept our naked, authentic selves. To understand that that the seemingly perfect facades worn by others are hiding their own vulnerable  selves.

I learned a parallel lesson as a child who frequented campgrounds with their not-so-private showers and hippie-friendly festivals. I grew up observing all types of bodies – young and old, fat and thin, smooth and wrinkled with age. Those experiences did more for me developing a healthy self-image and attitude about my body than any after school special could ever have achieved. I saw the “perfect” bodies marred by scars that were only visible out of clothes. I grew to appreciate the tales of children born upon the abdomens of the women and the sagging skin over once-filled biceps on the men. Under the clothes, people were at once more unique and more similar than they could ever be when shielded by their attire.

Our internal selves are no different. We shield them from public view.  The men I met while dating who appeared to be the toughest were wearing their tattoos, leather and muscles to hide their insecurities. The women I know who are super polished and put together are often afraid of losing control. I, myself, can hide behind my analytical attire, hiding my more emotional self with the fear that it will not be accepted.

I’m trying to use my lessons from childhood to shed this uniform, this comfortable shield.

It’s scary at first, revealing who you are, but the freedom that comes from shedding the uniform is unbelievable. We are more alike underneath than we often realize and yet we each have our own unique beauty. Don’t hide yourself – you have much to offer as you are.

But I still caution you against Googling “Naked baseball players.”