10 Ways to Make Online Dating Suck a Little Less

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Online dating can be awesome – you have a huge pool of potential dates to select from, you are able to screen for basic compatibility ahead of time and you can “meet” people while you’re on the sofa in your sweats. But online dating has its downsides. The sheer number of people available can be overwhelming and a succession of mediocre (or even terrible) encounters can leave you feeling defeated.

The following ideas can help you get the most out of your time with online dating –

 

1 – Ensure Your Basic Emotional and Social Needs Are Already Met

If you are turning to online dating to have your emotional needs met, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You can expect to have many superficial encounters and even if you meet someone that you click with, it will take time to build emotional intimacy with them.

Asking your online matches to meet your basic needs for connection and validation isn’t fair to them. They are not looking for someone to take care of (or, if they are, it’s a red flag that they’re not ready for a relationship); they are seeking someone to spend time with and get to know. It’s a lose-lose situation when people are too “hungry” for connection when they begin dating – the grasping will push others away and the need for emotional contact will go unfulfilled.

 

2 – Limit Your Choices

I remember when I first made my Match account about nine years ago. A newbie to online dating, I cast a wide net, basically setting my parameters as males between the ages of 25 and 45 in the metro Atlanta area. I was rewarded with a never-ending stream of profiles that numbered close to 40,000. I knew I needed to date a lot of men to learn more about what I was looking for, but that seemed a little excessive.

I was hesitant about narrowing my parameters too much, as my goal was to meet a variety of people. Luckily, Match had a manageable number of “daily picks” that they sent out and so I limited myself to pursuing those profiles.

We all can become overwhelmed when there are too many choices. In fact, a study with a jam display in a supermarket found that when there were too many varieties to choose from (I think the limit was eight), customers were less likely to make a purchase. But as soon as the choices were narrowed, selections increased. When we have a seemingly infinite number to choose from, we believe that we can always find one better. Of course, that means the looking becomes endless.

Find a way to curate the profiles you see. If you’re on a large dating site, explore how you can narrow the potential matches you see. Alternately, consider signing up for a smaller, more specialized site that already filters matches for you. Because when it comes to online dating, the number of people available is both a blessing and a curse.

 

3 – Meet Early and Have an Easy Out

One of the best pieces of advice I received was to limit the amount of time spent messaging somebody before a meeting. It’s amazing how someone can seem like a perfect match via text, but become an immediate “No!” once you see them in person. Statistically, you’re going to meet a lot of duds (although I’ll explain soon how this can still be a “good” date). If you have already built somewhat of a relationship through messaging, it can difficult to cut them loose. Whereas if they are still a relative stranger, it’s much easier to say, “I’m just not feeling a connection. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon.”

Keep the initial encounter simple and ensure that you can leave early if you want. Coffee is a standard choice here for a reason – it’s cheap, it’s everywhere, it can be over in as little as twenty minutes and if there is a connection, you can always get a refill.

 

4 – View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This was my favorite way to avoid “bad” dates. Before each encounter, I would remind myself that my only goal was to learn something – about the other person, about myself or about some area of expertise that they had. And as long as I came away with some new information, I considered the date a win (even if I never wanted to see the man again!).

I found that this approach helped to remove some of the pressure off each date, because I wasn’t so worried about them being the “right” one. It aided in conversation, as my motivation truly was one of curiosity. And best of all, that knowledge stays with you even though the person may not.

 

5 – Get Out of Your Head

Anybody else like to stress about things? Overthink their choices? Worry that people won’t like you?

Yeah, me too.

And if that’s the attitude that you have before each date, dating is going to be stressful.

You may already know what works best for you to get into a flow state and get out of your head. Awesome. Do that before each encounter.

If you’re at a loss, here’s what worked for me –

I found one “date” dress that I wore constantly. It looked nice and (very importantly), it was super-comfortable. This removed any agonizing over what to wear for first dates. I scheduled dates for either right after work (so that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to let stress build) or for after a gym session (where the activity would bleed any anxiety). Before I got out of the car, I would take five deep breaths and remind myself that all I needed to do was learn one thing.

And then I jumped in, putting all my focus on my date so that there was no room left to reside in my own thoughts.

 

6 – Do Things You Enjoy

Dating takes time. So you may as well double up and do things you enjoy while you’re on a date. The benefits are two-fold: you are more likely to be relaxed and happy and your date will get an opportunity to get to know you better.

I went to museum exhibits, hiked nearby trails and went snow tubing on some of my dates. Sometimes I enjoyed the companionship, and sometimes the experience was the enjoyment. Eventually, I learned to keep a list of locations or upcoming events at the ready so that I could suggest them easily.

Alternately, be open to new experiences, that are novel either to both of you or only to you. There’s an energy that comes from novelty that can enrich any date.

 

7 – Depersonalize Any Rejections

I know rejection stings.

But when you’re rejected from an online connection or after a first date, that rejection has nothing to do with you. After all, the other person doesn’t even know you yet.

They have an expectation of what they want in their head. And based upon what they have seen, you don’t meet that expectation. That’s not a value judgement on you. It has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough.

You are simply not what they are looking for. As straightforward as somebody wanting a blue car instead of a red truck.

Keep being you. You’re exactly what somebody is looking for.

 

8 – Give People a Chance

I first met my now-husband nine years ago at a coffee shop after messaging on Match. If somebody had told me when I walked out of our meeting that I had just been with my future husband, I would have been incredulous. I mean, the date went fine, but there were no fireworks and no clear signs that we were a great team.

Those came months later.

Remember that the entire purpose of a first date is to decide if you want a second. The second is to figure out if you both want a third. Don’t worry too much about the unforeseeable future in the beginning and be open to somebody being the right fit even if there’s no sparks flying during the initial meeting.

Also, don’t be so wedded to a “type” that you ignore great people that could just bring out a whole other side of you. By all means, look for potential partners that share your basic values, energy level and life trajectory, but don’t be too limiting about the details.

 

9 – Take a Break When You Need To

Online dating can feel like a job. And it’s one you can quit at any time. Whenever you find yourself dating because you feel obligated or you find that you’re becoming bitter about the type of encounters you’re having, take a breather.

Dating is more a marathon than a sprint. Take the scenic route. Enjoy breaks when you need them. Focus on the other relationships in your life. The internet will still be there when you’re ready to return.

 

10 – Remind Yourself it’s a Numbers Game

You’re not going to find what you’re looking for on the first date. Or the second. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find it.

I think sometimes we see dating like a well-organized clothing store. You walk in, locate the gendered section you want, walk to the display that appeals to you and rifle through the rack until you locate your size.

But that’s not how it works.

Dating is more like a flea market where there is a lot of junk that you have to wade through to find the treasures. As a result, you have to commit some time and energy to the search. You may enter with an expectation of what you’re looking for, but then something completely different may catch your eye.

Be curious. Be patient. And have fun.

Life’s too short to do otherwise!

Online Dating For Dogs

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We had two dates set up for Wednesday evening.

The first was with a ten-month-old male. His owner needed to part ways with him after the trauma of a breakup and a cancer diagnosis. The other was with a young adult female who had been described by the animal control officer who picked her up as, “The best dog in the world.”

On the ninety-minute drive to meet the puppy, I mentioned to my husband that I was way more nervous about these dates than I had ever been about a date with a man. After all, on my human dates, the only thing at stake was the possibility of another date. A commitment that extended for a few hours and maybe made the decision to end things a little more messy.

But with a dog?

The stakes are much higher.

It’s less, “Hey, I think I like you and I would like to see you again” and more, “Well, you seem pretty cool. How about you move in with me for the next ten years?”

Other than that, the process is pretty similar, whether the companion sought is human or canine. The brief paragraphs describing the potential partner are read and re-read, carefully analyzing the words chosen. The pictures are scanned, trying to determine chemistry and attraction through a few static pixels. Memories of the former partner keep rising to the surface and with them, the inevitable comparisons that you keep swatting away in an attempt to keep your vision and perceptions clear.

Upon meeting, your senses are on high alert, trying to both take in your first impressions and also carefully monitoring for any red flags. There’s the usual awkwardness, as you’re trying to pair up rhythms and form tentative tendrils of nascent trust. There’s the exploratory dance with its unspoken questions: “Do you like me? Do you think we could make this thing work?” and its silent answers: “I do. I think so.”

There’s the strange mix of excitement for the rush of new love and trepidation for changing the status quo. The underlying and pervasion question of, “Am I doing the right thing?” And the fear, that sits heavy in the gut, of opening the heart again when the pain of loss is still so fresh.

We finally pulled up outside the address that was given to us for the first date. We sat in the car, waiting for the reply to the text saying that we had arrived.

I had conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I wanted the dog to clearly not be a good match so that the decision was already made for us. On the other hand, I wanted the dog to be a perfect fit for our family so that we could begin the process of sharing our lives with a pup again. Of course, what I wanted had no bearing on what we were going to find once we went through that door.

The date went well.

Very well.

Within a few minutes, he was responding to my husband’s corrections and a few minutes after that, he climbed into my lap and proceeded to initiate a make-out session.

Apparently, he had made his decision.

And a few minutes later, we made ours.

Welcome to the family, Kazh:)

So now we’re busy forming bonds, building trust and establishing expectations. So far, so good. This online date seems to be a success.

Dating After Divorce: Ten Tips for Success

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Dating after divorce tends to be a deliberate action, entered into consciously and tentatively after years or even decades with the same person.  This can be an opportunity for you to clarify your needs and the needs of a relationship before you step out on that first date.  The following are my suggestions for your ten commandments of dating after divorce.

Couple in love

One: Your “Must Haves”

Take some time to generate this list; do not assume what it contains.  You may be surprised to realize that there are aspects of your ex that you want again or perhaps characteristics that were not important before but are now.  For me, my ex was never a match for me physically (I’m not talking about intimacy here; we were an excellent match in the bedroom).  I loved to run and lift weights, and enjoyed the social aspect of exercise, whereas he only exercised to lose weight and even then was very private about it.  I knew that I wanted someone that would join me on a run or meet me at the gym.  I also wanted someone for whom fitness and exercise was a way of life, not just an opportunityto cinch in the belt a bit.  As you list your “must haves,” try not to censor them; your subconscious may know more about what you need than your rational mind does at this point.

Two: Your “Must Not Haves”

This list compliments the one above and, in fact, you may find that it is generated at the same time.  Like with your “must haves,” you may find that some of these are rather concrete and others are vague and hard to define.  That is okay.  List them.  Even the ambiguous will have meaning to you as you meet people. Two of my items on the “must not have” list were 1) cannot be dishonest (uhmm..great.  How do I tell this on a date?) and 2) cannot have kids or want kids (I have pretty strong feelings on this one and it’s not fair to start a relationship with someone who does not match me here).  Once you have your lists generated, keep them handy and allow them to be modified or updated as you date and meet new people.  They are not set in stone, but they are also not be ignored, especially if you find yourself in the biochemical throes of love lust.

Three: Release Expectations and View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This is a big one.  First a reality check.  Life is not a romance novel nor a Hollywood movie.  That insufferably cute and perfect couple at the park is either in the biochemical throws of lust or has another side to their relationship that you do not see.  No one is perfect.  No date is perfect.  No relationship is perfect.  Just let that thought go like a helium balloon in the wind.

Still with me?

Not every date you go one will be good, but every date you go one will teach you something.  Try to enter every encounter with an open and curious mind, ready to receive the lessons to come.  On some dates, you might learn about someone else, some you may learn about yourself, and yet others you may learn about the intricacies of being a private pilot for a billionaire (yup, true story there).  If you enter each date excepting a positive experience, you will be disappointed at least some of the time.  If you approach the meeting as a lesson, you will never be let down and you will gain valuable (or at least interesting) information in the meantime.

Four: Be True to Yourself

The period after divorce is a vulnerable time.  You may feel amorphous as you break out of the box that defined you as a spouse.  You may feel that the true you is unlovable and seek to change your identity.  It can be so tempting to expand yourself like a pressurized gas let out of a sealed container.  Some expansion and growth is normal and healthy, but make sure that you remain true to yourself and your basic beliefs and values.  I started out with a “try anything” approach, but I soon realized that there were “anythings” out there that I had no interest in trying.

Five: Take Baby Steps

This one took me some trial and error.  I was so used to being married.  I did marriage well, whereas I had no clue how to date.  In my first few encounters, I would easily settle in and make myself comfortable as though it was a marriage.  It was a known and safe place for me, but not exactly an ideal way to date.  There is no rush, no race.  Learn to find comfort in the process and the path of dating, rather than being focused on a destination.  Move slowly enough that you can appreciate each step and acclimate along the way.

This was a lesson that I learned from my current beau of 2+ years.  He emphasized the need to progress slowly, pausing along the way like divers coming from the deep.  It allowed both of time to become comfortable and provided opportunity to work through issues as they arose.  We were able to set up partnership deliberately, not out of my automatic default setting.

Six: Keep Some Distance

It can be easy to be swept away when you meet someone new.  It’s exciting and it feels so good to have that feeling reawaken after you may have been fearing its death.  Remember that this feeling is temporary, as the hormones fade back to normal levels, that initial rush will fade too.  It’s simple biochemistry.  Enjoy the rush when it happens, but maintain enough distance that your rational brain has time to communicate its thoughts to you as well.  It’s fine (actually, wonderful) to get caught up in a moment, but don’t let that moment turn into a marriage that you do not intend.  Keep some distance so that you can make informed decisions about your future.

Seven: Be Open

I know what you’re thinking:  “First she cautions me to keep some distance and now she wants me to be open?  Which is it?”

Both.

Be open to new possibilities.  Your new paired life may not resemble the old.  Your new partner may be different than the former.  You, yourself, will most likely change from how you were in your marriage.  Be open and willing to investigate these new alternatives.

But keep some distance so that you can check with yourself to make sure that you do not deviate too far from the true you.

When I first joined Match.com, I went out on dates with men that didn’t jive at all with what I thought I liked.  I found myself consistently surprised as I found characteristics and attributes attractive that were not on my radar before.  If I entered the dating arena with a closed mind, sure of what I liked, I would have never have met those men and learned those lessons.

Eight: Address Your Social Needs

Divorce is alienating.  Lonely.  The person that you spent most of your time with is gone.  You may have lost other friends in the deal or had the nature of friendships slip and slide away.  Dating is certainly social, but it should not be the only item on your social calender.  In fact, I would recommend that you ensure that you identify your social needs ahead of time (2 hours a week?  10?  It varies for everyone.) and plan to have 60-80% of those needs met outside of dating.  Join a class, sign up for Meetup.com (I swear most of the people I met on Meetups were divorced!), form a social group at the gym…it doesn’t matter how you address your social needs, just don’t put the weight of them at the feet of your dates.

Nine: Have an Outlet

Ever feel angry at your situation?  Sad when you think about what you have lost?  Ever need to scream?  Cry?

Me too.  As you enter the dating world, make sure that you have an outlet for these powerful typhoons of emotion.  It can be a therapist, a family member, a friend, or even a dog.  You don’t have to keep all of your powerful emotions hidden from a date, but you also don’t want to flood him/her with them either.

Ten: Have Fun

Dating is fun.  You get to meet new people and engage in new experiences.  You get to explore and question, as you see the world in new ways.  Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy yourself along the way.

Dating After Divorce: When Are You Ready?

Dating After Divorce: Your Ten Commandments

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Dating after divorce tends to be a deliberate action, entered into consciously and tentatively after years or even decades with the same person.  This can be an opportunity for you to clarify your needs and the needs of a relationship before you step out on that first date.  The following are my suggestions for your ten commandments of dating after divorce.

Couple in love

One: Your “Must Haves”

Take some time to generate this list; do not assume what it contains.  You may be surprised to realize that there are aspects of your ex that you want again or perhaps characteristics that were not important before but are now.  For me, my ex was never a match for me physically (I’m not talking about intimacy here; we were an excellent match in the bedroom).  I loved to run and lift weights, and enjoyed the social aspect of exercise, whereas he only exercised to lose weight and even then was very private about it.  I knew that I wanted someone that would join me on a run or meet me at the gym.  I also wanted someone for whom fitness and exercise was a way of life, not just an opportunityto cinch in the belt a bit.  As you list your “must haves,” try not to censor them; your subconscious may know more about what you need than your rational mind does at this point.

Two: Your “Must Not Haves”

This list compliments the one above and, in fact, you may find that it is generated at the same time.  Like with your “must haves,” you may find that some of these are rather concrete and others are vague and hard to define.  That is okay.  List them.  Even the ambiguous will have meaning to you as you meet people. Two of my items on the “must not have” list were 1) cannot be dishonest (uhmm..great.  How do I tell this on a date?) and 2) cannot have kids or want kids (I have pretty strong feelings on this one and it’s not fair to start a relationship with someone who does not match me here).  Once you have your lists generated, keep them handy and allow them to be modified or updated as you date and meet new people.  They are not set in stone, but they are also not be ignored, especially if you find yourself in the biochemical throes of love lust.

Three: Release Expectations and View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This is a big one.  First a reality check.  Life is not a romance novel nor a Hollywood movie.  That insufferably cute and perfect couple at the park is either in the biochemical throws of lust or has another side to their relationship that you do not see.  No one is perfect.  No date is perfect.  No relationship is perfect.  Just let that thought go like a helium balloon in the wind.

Still with me?

Not every date you go one will be good, but every date you go one will teach you something.  Try to enter every encounter with an open and curious mind, ready to receive the lessons to come.  On some dates, you might learn about someone else, some you may learn about yourself, and yet others you may learn about the intricacies of being a private pilot for a billionaire (yup, true story there).  If you enter each date excepting a positive experience, you will be disappointed at least some of the time.  If you approach the meeting as a lesson, you will never be let down and you will gain valuable (or at least interesting) information in the meantime.

Four: Be True to Yourself

The period after divorce is a vulnerable time.  You may feel amorphous as you break out of the box that defined you as a spouse.  You may feel that the true you is unlovable and seek to change your identity.  It can be so tempting to expand yourself like a pressurized gas let out of a sealed container.  Some expansion and growth is normal and healthy, but make sure that you remain true to yourself and your basic beliefs and values.  I started out with a “try anything” approach, but I soon realized that there were “anythings” out there that I had no interest in trying.

Five: Take Baby Steps

This one took me some trial and error.  I was so used to being married.  I did marriage well, whereas I had no clue how to date.  In my first few encounters, I would easily settle in and make myself comfortable as though it was a marriage.  It was a known and safe place for me, but not exactly an ideal way to date.  There is no rush, no race.  Learn to find comfort in the process and the path of dating, rather than being focused on a destination.  Move slowly enough that you can appreciate each step and acclimate along the way.

This was a lesson that I learned from my current beau of 2+ years.  He emphasized the need to progress slowly, pausing along the way like divers coming from the deep.  It allowed both of time to become comfortable and provided opportunity to work through issues as they arose.  We were able to set up partnership deliberately, not out of my automatic default setting.

Six: Keep Some Distance

It can be easy to be swept away when you meet someone new.  It’s exciting and it feels so good to have that feeling reawaken after you may have been fearing its death.  Remember that this feeling is temporary, as the hormones fade back to normal levels, that initial rush will fade too.  It’s simple biochemistry.  Enjoy the rush when it happens, but maintain enough distance that your rational brain has time to communicate its thoughts to you as well.  It’s fine (actually, wonderful) to get caught up in a moment, but don’t let that moment turn into a marriage that you do not intend.  Keep some distance so that you can make informed decisions about your future.

Seven: Be Open

I know what you’re thinking:  “First she cautions me to keep some distance and now she wants me to be open?  Which is it?”

Both.

Be open to new possibilities.  Your new paired life may not resemble the old.  Your new partner may be different than the former.  You, yourself, will most likely change from how you were in your marriage.  Be open and willing to investigate these new alternatives.

But keep some distance so that you can check with yourself to make sure that you do not deviate too far from the true you.

When I first joined Match.com, I went out on dates with men that didn’t jive at all with what I thought I liked.  I found myself consistently surprised as I found characteristics and attributes attractive that were not on my radar before.  If I entered the dating arena with a closed mind, sure of what I liked, I would have never have met those men and learned those lessons.

Eight: Address Your Social Needs

Divorce is alienating.  Lonely.  The person that you spent most of your time with is gone.  You may have lost other friends in the deal or had the nature of friendships slip and slide away.  Dating is certainly social, but it should not be the only item on your social calender.  In fact, I would recommend that you ensure that you identify your social needs ahead of time (2 hours a week?  10?  It varies for everyone.) and plan to have 60-80% of those needs met outside of dating.  Join a class, sign up for Meetup.com (I swear most of the people I met on Meetups were divorced!), form a social group at the gym…it doesn’t matter how you address your social needs, just don’t put the weight of them at the feet of your dates.

Nine: Have an Outlet

Ever feel angry at your situation?  Sad when you think about what you have lost?  Ever need to scream?  Cry?

Me too.  As you enter the dating world, make sure that you have an outlet for these powerful typhoons of emotion.  It can be a therapist, a family member, a friend, or even a dog.  You don’t have to keep all of your powerful emotions hidden from a date, but you also don’t want to flood him/her with them either.

Ten: Have Fun

Dating is fun.  You get to meet new people and engage in new experiences.  You get to explore and question, as you see the world in new ways.  Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy yourself along the way.

Dating After Divorce: When Are You Ready?

Dating After Divorce: When Are You Ready?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wish I could devise a formula that would tell you when you are ready to date again:

(Length of marriage)(# of months since the end of the marriage*) + (# of crying sessions)(# of explicatives used to describe the ex)

   (# of therapy** hours)

If this number <1, keep working on yourself; you are not yet ready to date

If this number >1, join Match.com asap

*This can be the date of separation, divorce, or when the spouse using the formula realized the marriage was over

** Therapy is defined loosely here.  It can be traditional therapy as well as meditation, journaling, exercise, etc.  Anything that is used to help the mind move forward from the trauma is therapeutic.

The Dating Game

Unfortunately, no such formula exists.  The “right” time to date is different for every person and every situation.  What seems too soon to some, is on time for another.  You are ready when you feel you are ready, not when X months have passed or Y tears shed.  Try to listen to yourself without passing judgement.  I knew I was ready to date when all of a sudden, I began to notice there were men around me at the gym.  Men!  I had turned a blind eye to all but my husband for 16 years, and now I was suddenly aware of the other gender.  I felt like a 14 year old at the mall, amazed at all the possibilities.  Luckily, before I threw myself into the mix with wild abandon, I took some time to reflect.  I knew that I was ready in some ways to begin dating, but I had to look further to see if I was truly prepared.

Please, take what I have to say with a grain of salt.  I am by no means an expert on dating.  I met my husband when I was 16, so I did not partake in much dating beyond him prior to that.  After the end of my marriage, I actively (very actively!  For a three month period, dubbed Match Madness, I averaged 8 dates a week.) dated for about 8 months before I met the man I have been in a relationship with for the last two years.  Even though my experience is limited, I went into my post-marriage dating very consciously, which led to some lessons to share.

Initially, I believed the conventional wisdom that you need to be fully healed in order to date.  Uhmm…how many adults walking around today are fully healed?  Have no relationship wounds?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  If I had continued to believe that advice, I would still be waiting for my first date.  Here’s what I realized is important:

1) You have to want to be healed.

2) You have to be actively moving forward on your healing process.

3) You need to be able to accept responsibility for your actions and your happiness.

4) You should be at a point where the good (or even okay) days outweigh the bad.

Once you have reached that point AND you find you have the interest, it’s time to tiptoe (or leap if that’s your style!) your way (back) into the dating world.

In future posts, I will address how to get back into dating again, tips for the recently divorced on a date, my dating ten commandments, and how to avoid the same patterns that ruined the marriage.