6 Surprising Causes of Resentment (And How to Neutralize Them)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I could feel it starting to rise in my belly like a yeasty dough set upon a counter in the sun. My reaction was stronger than the action which prompted it, a sure sign that there was more beneath the surface.

Last fall, I had reached the conclusion that we would not be doing any winter trips this year for a variety of reasons. When I mentioned this to my husband, he brought up the possibility of doing a ski trip in February.

And there is where the roads diverged. In his extroverted way, he was talking through options. In my, “I don’t say it until I know it to be true” manner, those words were gospel. Especially because I’m dire need of a smile on the calendar as well as a few days away.

And when I found out that his work schedule would not allow for the trip, I was devastated. The building anticipation squashed flat, oozing acrid emotions. Part of this was a natural reaction to disappointment.

But there’s more to it. In my former life, I put too much on hold – work now, play later executed to perfection. Only there was nothing good about it. Furthermore, betrayal has this weird trick it plays on you. Disappointment is misread as a breach of trust, a failing to follow through. So my response to the wet towel thrown on my hopes was out of proportion to the event.

I threw a pity party for evening, partially fueled by hearing about other’s trips and seeing spectacular vacation photos on Facebook. I allowed myself to become frustrated with the differences my husband and I have in our pull towards travel. And that’s when the resentment began to grow in my belly, a nascent being that, if nurtured, would soon have a mind of its own.

So I worked to starve the budding grudge, to commit to finding a way to travel regardless. I tried on a few options, but nothing seemed to fit both my mood and my budget. And then, upon entering my yoga studio the other day, I saw a posting for an upcoming weekend yoga retreat, scheduled just a couple weeks after the hoped-for ski trip.

I smiled. This felt right.

The irritation and dismay were immediately replaced with excitement.

And a conviction that I WILL travel. I will be pleasantly surprised when that can happen with my husband, but I will not assume (nor wait on) that possibility. Because putting your life on hold while waiting on another is a sure-fire way to fuel resentment.

We have a tendency to lay blame for our resentment at the feet of another. We claim to feel that way due to another’s actions or inactions. But the funny thing about resentment is that it is less a response to another and more a response to ourselves.

Resentment happens when we allow ourselves to get caught up in somebody else’s web. It grows when we operate under the assumption that another is responsible for our well-being. It spikes when we permit others to cross our boundaries or when we neglect to erect boundaries at all. We set the stage for resentment when we do something for another with the anticipation of reward or gratitude.  And it feeds upon our own dissatisfaction with our own choices.

And resentment is poison ivy in a relationship. Once allowed to root, it becomes almost impossible to fully eradicate. It’s best to pull it out by the roots while it is still tender and unformed.

Resentment is a sign that you’ve shifted responsibility to another person’s shoulders. In order to release the acrimony, take back your own power.

 

How it presents: “I’m tired on waiting on them to make up their mind or move forward on some promised action.”

What it means: “I’m waiting on them to decide my life so that I don’t have to face the responsibility of the outcome.”

How to neutralize: When possible, choose to move forward regardless of their participation. You do you and they’ll either decide to get going or they’ll stay behind. The resentment builds when you feel as though you’re sacrificing and sacrificing for some promised,but as yet unseen, action. So focus on making conscious choices and compromises rather than sacrifices.

If you truly are stuck waiting (which happens way less often than we believe), ensure that waiting is not all you’re doing. Fill your space with as much life as you can while you are on hold.

 

How it presents: “This is not what I signed up for.”

What it means: “I’m having trouble adjusting to this new life script and dealing with the change.”

How to neutralize: Life is a series of readjustments. And change is hard. Sometimes very hard. When the change presents itself in a person or relationship, we can grow resentful because it requires adaptation on our part. Yet, that’s life no matter who we surround ourselves with.

Strive to eliminate the daydreams of, “what if.” Life is not a choose your own adventure book. Once some choices are made, you cannot merely turn back a page and make a new one. Work from where you are.

When presented with change, we can adapt or we can dig in our heels and refuse to accept what we’re facing. Guess which one breeds resentment?

 

How it presents: “I’m putting in more effort than you are.”

What it means: “I’m struggling to set and enforce boundaries about what I am and am not willing to tolerate.”

How to neutralize: First, be honest with yourself. Are you attracted to people who depend upon you? Do you willingly take up the role of caretaker in the beginning only to become resentful as fatigue sets in? That’s coming from fear, a fear of being alone or of being dispensable.

It is your responsibility to identify, communicate and enforce your boundaries. You can’t get upset when their crossed if they’re constructed merely of whispered wishes. When you hold to your beliefs and borders, you won’t have the emotional response to any transgressions.

Remember this – it’s not fair to get angry at someone for taking what you’re freely giving by putting other’s needs above your own.

 

How it presents: “I’m tired of being the ‘bad guy’ or the responsible one.”

What it means: “I’ve learned somewhere along the way that I am supposed to take on the heavy lifting.”

How to neutralize: This is one of those roles us Type A super-responsible people tend to end up in. We’ve learned (usually in childhood) that it’s our job to take care of things. And then, as adults, we’re often attracted to people that are more carefree in order to balance our sensible natures. And then we grow resentful for the very thing that attracted us in the beginning.

By all means, communicate your needs. Explain your nature and express what you would like to see from them. At the same time, accept that you picked them as they are and they are not yours to change.

Try taking two steps towards the center. Let some things go. Release some of the responsibility. The other person may pick up the slack. Or they may not. But you also may be amazed at how much you can let go of and the world will still go on.

 

How it presents: “I resent them putting more time, energy and attention in other directions.”

What it means: “I’m feeling unbalanced and unappreciated.”

How to neutralize: When our lives are full, we have little energy or care about what others are doing. It is only when we face some void that we concern ourselves with the plates of others. So start by filling your own plate. Put your time, energy and attention into something other than the lack of time, energy and attention they’re directing towards you.

Identify why you’re feeling unappreciated. Are you performing with the hope of reward and you’re upset when it doesn’t materialize? Are you biting your tongue until it bleeds and allowing your anger to bloom? Are you not recognizing the signs of appreciation when they are presented? If you are being taken advantage of, seek to understand why you’re allowing that to happen.

 

How it presents: “I feel jealous and bitter about their life and options.”

What it means: “I’m feeling unfulfilled and stuck in my own life.”

How to neutralize: We are at our unhappiest when we compare ourselves to others. We try to measure life against life as though they are calculated in some standard unit. But that’s a false reading. Each life has its own treasures and its own tarnish. And they don’t easily match up.

When resentment anchored in envy presents, turn your energy away from the object of your ire and into yourself. Where are you feeling stuck? Are you feeling afraid to make the necessary changes to get to where you want to go? It’s amazing how often we covet what we’re afraid to seek on our own. Rather than resent them for what they have, be brave enough to seek what you want.

 

Learning From My Mistakes: How My Second Husband is Different Than My First

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second husband

Whenever I work with a client who is starting to think about dating again after divorce, I advise them to first make a list of the traits/characteristics they are looking for in their next partner.

Their initial results are usually so similar it’s comical – “I want someone totally different from my ex. I want someone with integrity and who will address issues head-on.”

I often find myself nodding along since my wish-list was much the same.

It was strange dating at first. I wanted different yet I also longed for the familiar. I found myself attracted to men that were way too similar to my ex (can you say trauma reenactment?) and not always drawn to the ones that had the qualities I was looking for. It’s definitely a time when impulses may not be trustworthy and it’s worth moving slowly and with intention.

There have been times when Brock wonders if I was only attracted to him because he is the polar opposite (his words) of my ex. The reality is much more than that and not one I’m sure I can ever completely explain to him. Yes, in some ways (critical and positive ways) he is the opposite of my first husband. In other ways, he and my ex have some overlapping similarities (areas of interest and compatibility).

But I wasn’t attracted to him because he was the opposite. The divorce highlighted for me what was important in a partner. And that starts with being a good person. I was no longer the same, naive girl that pledged her life to her teenage beau and was petrified of losing him. I was stronger and, as a result, I wanted someone stronger and independent as well. And my ideas of how I wanted the rest of my life to look were changing and I wanted someone who fit my emerging vision.

Basically, once I knew better, I wanted to do better.

Here are those critical ways that my second husband is different than my first –

Passionate

As I write this, my husband is at a Ju Jitsu seminar. I grumble sometimes about his commitment to the sport, but underneath that is a pride in his efforts and achievements. He amazes me in his ability to push through pain and keep going even when the goal feels so far away. His presence on the mat inspires both respect and fear in his opponents. I love that he completely immerses himself in something that is healthy, goal-oriented, inspirational and seriously bad-a$$.

My first husband was a driven man (his self-taught expertise in modeling software was evidence of that), but he had no real passions outside video games. In retrospect, this lack of purpose, of focus, left him rudderless when life’s waters became rough.

Alpha

Brock is an Alpha. Confident. Strong unapologetic male energy. And that’s good for me in a couple ways. First, I have an intensity myself and I appreciate someone who will call me out when necessary. Someone who isn’t a blind supplicant.  Also, I often feel like I’m not feminine enough and so I enjoy the contrast between our energies. As an Alpha, he is straight-talking and upfront. It’s not always decorous, but it’s always reflective of what he’s thinking.

I have nothing against non-alpha men. I have many in my life that I love and respect. What I didn’t respect in my ex was how he never challenged me and how he would quietly manipulate while pretending to be the nice guy. He was a beta who wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. That was the problem.

Helper

Some of the times I have loved Brock the most is when I have seen him come to the aide of a stranger. He is never one to turn away from someone in need, whether it be a man walking down the street with a gas can on a 100 degree day or a panicked woman pulled over after skidding on ice. Even when the situation could be risky or a scam, he jumps in, ready to assist. And when he’s done, he just turns and walks away, expecting nothing in return.

My ex also did nice things for people. He built a toy chest for a neighbor’s child. He would pick up the check. But here’s the difference (and it’s a crucial one) – Brock would make an anonymous donation whereas my ex would expect his name on a plaque.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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7 Revealing Truths About People Who Cannot Be Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear quite frequently from people wondering how and why their exes enter into new relationships so quickly, as though one foot must always be grounded in a partnership. They question if the displayed and professed love is real or if it is merely a show. They are curious how their former love seemed to move on so quickly while they are still struggling to simply let go.

Over the years of discussion and observation, I have seen the following characteristics appear time and time again in those who seem to always jump from one relationship into another. As with any generalizations, these traits will not fit all people equally.

Those that are perpetually in relationships tend to be romantics. They believe in soulmates and True Love and believe that it’s simply a matter of trying on partners until you find the one with the right fit. Romantics love the rush of a new relationship and truly believe that this time, it’s the one.

Relationship-hoppers are optimistic, rather than view past failed relationships as a sign of something wrong, they frame it as a sign that they need to try again. They aren’t the type to be bitter about former flames or love in general. They don’t spend time beating themselves or their exes up. They just move on.

The never-single tend to be giving, generous with their time and their attention. They may take this too far and develop their own self-worth through what they do for others. Or, they may give as a way of strengthening the attachment (think the stereotypical “sugar daddy” arrangement).

People that can’t be alone are often insecure. Perhaps they define their worth through the value of the partner on their arm. Or they believe that they are not enough on their own and so they seek guidance from a lover. They see themselves reflected in their significant other.

An avoidance of singlehood is also a sign of dependence on others. I frequently find that they had a domineering mother or were the youngest child. These are often people that have been conditioned to not think for themselves. Being alone for them triggers more than just loneliness, it brings with it an inability to cope.

Not wanting to be alone frequently arises out of fearfulness. They are afraid to be unloved. Scared to face life’s challenges alone. Worried that they will never find love (again) and so they jump at any chance just in case it’s the final opportunity. They may be afraid of the world and their favored hiding place is within the confines of a relationship.

The always-partnered may be unreflective. They are more prone to external action than introspection and self analysis. This lack of soul-searching helps them move on quickly, but can also mean that they carry the same problems with them into successive relationships.

There is no “right” amount of time to wait between relationships. The time needed is different for every person and every situation.

If you think you may have a tendency to rush into relationships too soon, read this. It will give you some points to consider.

If you are wondering how your ex could move on so quickly, remember that you’re only seeing part of the picture, the part they want you to see. And their story is no longer yours. No matter what they’re up to, you do you!

How Long Should You Wait For Promised Change?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“He promised he would change. But he’s still the same. I can’t go on like this.”

“She said she was going to be different, but it hasn’t happened yet. How long do I wait?”

One of the harder places to be in any relationship is waiting for the other person to follow through with promised change. I am often asked how long one should wait for the agreed upon changes to occur – what’s too long and what’s not long enough?

It’s never a pat answer. There is no magic formula, no rule that states how many weeks, or months or years have to pass while you wait powerlessly for the promise to be kept.

If you find yourself in this unenviable position, here are some of the things to consider as you ask yourself how long you should wait:

Who initiated the idea of change?

If you are the one who brought up the desired alterations, it’s time for a pause. You cannot change another person, no matter how much you want to. Even if it was agreed upon, if you initiated the idea, there’s a very good chance it will not come to fruition on your timeline (or at all). The question then becomes are you willing to wait for them to internally motivated to change or not?

Here’s a difficult truth – people never change for another. They change for themselves.

Are you hung up on potential?

The quickest way to anger a teenager is to bring up the fact that they have potential. They’ll immediately shut down, feeling simultaneously judged and unappreciated. Adults are no different. Yes, it’s difficult to see what somebody can become while, from your perspective, they’re squandering some of their gifts. And it’s easy to fall in love with somebody’s promise. But that’s no guarantee they’ll ever reach that ideal that you’ve pictured.

We are all always changing. They may move towards their potential and they may not. All you have to go on is who they are right. this. moment. How do you feel about that person?

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Are there actions alongside the words of promise?

It’s one thing to claim an intention to change. It’s another to take steps. In these cases, the words tend be grandiose, full of promise and potential. They can distract and cloak reality. In contrast, actions, real actions towards meaningful change tend to be quiet, easily overlooked. Yet these are where you attention should focus.

Understand that change is hard and rarely linear.

As long as actions towards the goal are occurring, be patient and compassionate. Change is scary and often way more difficult that we anticipate. Be supportive. Be an a$$kicker and a cheerleader. When there are signs of progress, give the benefit of the doubt.

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Set ultimatums with yourself and boundaries with the other person.

You need to decide exactly what you’ll tolerate. Think through those “if…thens…” and make firm decisions on your responses. Communicate these to the other person, not in the form of ultimatums, but in the form of boundaries – what you are and are not willing to put up with.

Ultimatums can be manipulative, seeking to control another’s response (which never goes over well). Instead, make your own decisions about you and communicate them clearly. Then allow the other to make their choices and follow through on what you promised yourself. That last part is important.

Accept that you may have to step back with the hope of one day stepping back in.

It may be that you cannot tolerate the situation unless and until the change has occurred. Or maybe the nature of relationship is in opposition to the change occurring while a certain level of contact is maintained. Distance can be helpful if it does without manipulative intentions and without the expectation of a guarantee.

 

Be honest about the limitations of change.

Behaviors can be learned or unlearned. Habits can be developed. Personal challenges can be managed. But ultimately, this person is who they are. Is that enough for you? If you are waiting for a total transformation, you’re not being fair to either one of you.

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When you’re frustrated, change your approach or your response.

After all, it’s what you can control. And you may be surprised just how powerful that can be.

 

Is addiction a part of the story?

Addicts are extremely skilled at doling out promises of change (peppered with just enough evidence) to keep you waiting. If there is addiction (or the suspicion of) in the mix, you’re going to have to practice some tough love. Check out Al-Anon for help and support here.

Attend to yourself.

Sometimes we get so caught up in somebody else’s issues that we forget to take care of our own. And sometimes we use somebody else’s problems as an excuse to ignore our own. Make sure to attend to yourself.

And most importantly –

Although you may be waiting on change, refuse to wait to live.

How to Learn When the Test Comes Before the Lesson

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I love the quote about life being a cruel teacher, administering the test before the lesson (which I believe is from Oscar Wilde originally and is now being attributed to Drake??).

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And it’s true, isn’t it? We’re presented with challenges that we don’t yet have the tools to overcome. We face situations with which we are unfamiliar and unpracticed. Somehow, we muddle through and make it through, only to look back later and finally reach a level of understanding.

My now-husband once made a statement about I handled my divorce gracefully. I laughed at the absurdity of that statement, remembering my early (and rather ugly) emails to my ex and my hours spent trying to learn everything I could about his other wife and his other life. I made poor decisions. I was reactive instead of proactive, since I was making it up as I went along.

My now-husband then clarified, “No, I mean after the early emotional stuff. You didn’t try to punish him and you used the experience to make yourself and others better.”

And that’s how life’s lessons are:

Hard.

Messy.

And only understood after you’ve survived the test.

Read more about my own test in this new piece over at DivorceForce.