Four years ago, I turned my cheek when my date at a Super Bowl party tried to kiss me.
That date is now my husband.
If you had told me then that I would be in a home with that same man hosting our own Super Bowl party, I would have scoffed. After all, that wasn’t in my plans.
Luckily he gave me another shot. Even though he still teases me about that night:)
You never really know what the future will hold. Be curious.
It seems like people possess one of two mindsets when it comes to their dishes.
Some invest in a glorious set of matching fine china with visions of dinner parties and holiday dinners dancing through their heads. The dishes are prized, often protected behind the glass barricade of a cabinet. Every use requires an internal debate – is the perceived benefit worth the possible breakage that could occur? Most “china” families that I have known usually ere on the side of caution. The china becomes something to admire from afar while more plain plates grace the dinner table. No event seems quite good enough to unlock the doors.
Those on the other side of the divide either fill their cabinets with accumulated ware or purchase a budget-friendly matched set. There is no debate about bringing out a certain plate. After all, plates are meant to be eaten from. Sometimes, a bowl may chip when it meets the counter’s edge or a plate may shatter if it is dropped to the floor. It is a loss, certainly. But it is understood that some loss is inherent in the use of dishes.
I see that same dichotomy in people’s mindset after heartbreak.
Some people, after experiencing the crushing blow of the end of a relationship, vow to never risk that feeling again. They work to repair their heart and then they hide it away, afraid that using it would open them up to further heartbreak. With each encounter, they carefully weigh the potential risks against the possible reward. And usually they ere on the side of caution. Nobody ever seems quite worth the risk of tearing down the barriers.
Other are less cautious. They feel the heartbreak just as intently, but they understand that some amount of loss is inherent in love. Once their hearts are repaired, they are ready to put it back on the table. Even if that means that it may break again. After all, aren’t hearts meant to love and be loved?
A note to those of you in “china” families: I don’t get y’all, but I’m jealous. My home will never look as good or as put together:) Keep rocking that china! And, on a related note, please don’t judge if you’re over for dinner. You will be eating off chipped plates. Which I happen to think are perfect.
Love is one of the first concepts a child understands yet it also is an idea that takes us a lifetime to master. As we have more experiences with love in all forms, we expand our definition to encompass its many forms. We realize that it has no limits, no file storage maximum. We discover that there is no better feeling than new love and nothing as painful as love lost. We learn that gripping onto love with jealousy or fear only dampens it and that love grows in a medium of acceptance. We find that giving love is the same as receiving, just like you cannot give a hug without also getting one. Our definition of love changes and grows with each passing season. The word that prompts a concise definition from a child now takes pages of discourse and dissection.
Love refuses to be pinned down.
To be distilled into the least common denominator.
Love is messy and grand.
We seek it yet we also hide from it, fearing its loss.
I came across this article last night and it really resonated. The author gives some great tips on how to move on again after loss of any kind. I hope that you also find his advice useful and enlightening. I urge you to read it even if a new relationship seems unfathomable in the current moment. After all, the way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel.
Finding Love After Loss: 7 Steps For Moving Forward
We all have “baggage.” It comes with being human — and with having relationships.
By age 18, most of us have discovered that relationships can be a source of great joy, satisfaction and meaning when our needs for love, affection and companionship are met. Or a source of heartache and sorrow when they’re not.
Few things in life are as uplifting as being in a loving relationship. Or as painful as losing someone we love. Whether we lose them as the result of death or a “living loss” like separation, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, drug addiction, illness, injury or something else, moving on can present some daunting challenges. Facing these challenges, taking the necessary time to get our footing and opening the doors to finding love again is best achieved when we balance patience with courage.
Having coached countless hundreds of clients seeking to find love after a loss, there are some proven steps for regaining your strength, trust, faith, confidence and moving forward:
1. Take Small Steps
Above all else, be patient. Trying to get back into “the game” by jumping back into a relationship before your mind is clear and heart is sufficiently healed is a formula for disaster. Some of us can barely stand on our own two feet and yet, we’re looking for love (in all the wrong places) to fill the void. Read the rest on eHarmony.
I first caught a glimpse of him online last night. The description was brief, but the pictures drew me in instantly.
I was hooked.
I dreamed of him last night, imaging the future we could have together. Picturing our lives intertwined. When I awoke this morning, he was still on my mind, even though I was trying to suppress the thoughts. Giving in, I finally decided we needed to meet in person. Immediately.
I made the short drive to his residence. I gasped when I pulled into the driveway. He was even better looking in person that he was in pictures. I was smitten.
My crush in “person” 🙂 He obviously needs a haircut!
That’s right. I have a crush on a house.
Like any crush, my mind is awash in romantic notions. Spinning possibilities out of mere suggestions. I am obsessed, overtaken with passions of paint colors and potential plantings.
Like any crush, my dreams will likely be dashed since there is scant anchor in reality.
Brock and have been rational in our quest for a home. We have registered with hatch My House so that our wedding gifts can build our down payment. We plan to move this fall after the wedding and when our lease has expired. With the assistance of a friend in the real estate business, we started casually perusing homes in the area we live and love. We frequently email postings back and forth and engage in dialog about the potential perks and liabilities of each property. We’ve known that these homes are only hypotheticals; they will be long gone by the time we are prepared to buy. And that’s been okay.
And then we saw this one.
On digital paper, it’s perfect. A foreclosure, priced to sell. Ugly on the inside, but just needing some TLC to make it beautiful. It has the spaces we need and the amenities we want. It’s difficult not to fall and fall hard.
I visited today, exploring the yard and peering in the windows. I could so easily see us in that space. I was already arranging furniture and repainting walls. I could almost hear the clacks of the sticks from the spot where Brock would teach his private martial arts lessons. I stood in the spot where I would put a hammock and gazed out at the yard that I so desperately want. I felt the ache of my nomadic existence the past four years fade as I let the home’s energy wash over me.
Damn.
I know better than to do this. I know I’m getting excited just to have my heart broken. I know it’s just a house and should not be an emotional investment. I know that it makes sense to wait until we have more money to put down and our lease is officially over.
But damn. I’m crushing hard.
Tomorrow, we make the formal introductions. Our realtor friend is meeting us there to show us the inside. A part of me hopes that the home has some fatal flaw on the inside. Something that will crush the crush.
But another part of me wants it to remain perfect.
Brock and I have talked strategy. Figured out a possible juggling act that would allow us to purchase earlier than we anticipated. It’s not ideal and it’s a little scary but it just might work. Of course, we may not be the only ones flirting with our intended. There may be competition better looking and more prepared for an immediate relationship.
But still.
It’s hard not to get excited about the thought that our crush might just maybe, possibly like us back.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 