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If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band
One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.” He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.
In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly. My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage. I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear. He thought wrong. Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.
First, let me clarify. The text was abrupt. Sudden. The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good. He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left. He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school). The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed. It made no sense.
So, I immediately went into detective mode. By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years. I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over). It gave some answers. He emails gave the rest. Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.
It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through. This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress. Interesting. Seemed like he was running.
The big shocker came three days after that. A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of. It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying. It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at. His wedding.
Oops.
That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.
Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.
Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.
Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.
Don’t Practice the Perfect
As an algebra teacher, I spend much of my day pushing kids beyond what they think they are capable. To no one’s surprise, I am often met with resistance. They would rather practice addition rather than polynomials. They want to practice the perfect.
In the example of algebra students, it is easy to see the absurdity of practicing something one has already mastered to the exclusion of learning something new. However, it is often not so clear in our own lives how frequently we gravitate towards the known rather than explore the edge and delve into the unknown and unmastered. If always do what you know, you will never know anything else. This clicked for me one day in the gym (shocker, I know) when I immediately walked towards the free weights. Again. That was my comfort zone; that was where I knew what I was I doing. Free weights are awesome, but I was slighting myself by not trying anything else. I made a promise to myself to try at least one new exercise machine each visit or try one new move with free weights. And, you know what, I now have added to my “mastered” repertoire and discovered new favorites. If it wasn’t for trying new things, my “I can’t, won’t and I’ll never” list wouldn’t exist and my life would be much duller.
It is comfortable to practice the perfected and scary to be vulnerable by trying something new. We often make excuses, promising to practice something once we improve at it. Think about that. That is like saying I meditate because I have a calm mind, rather than I meditate to have a calm mind. Or, I’m not flexible enough to do yoga, rather than I do yoga to become flexible. Just rearranging those few words entirely shifts the focus and intent of the practice. Th only way to improve is to practice the imperfect.
We often need a push, either internal or external, to delve into the new. Start by being honest with yourself about how you stay in your comfort zone. Then, make a committment to grow in one or more areas. If it helps, try picturing your algebra teacher pushing you along the way:)
Here are some suggestions to help you break out of practicing the perfect:
-Surround yourself with people that have knowledge and interests that differ from yours.
-Sign up for a class. The YMCA and park services usually offer some low-cost and low-committment classes.
-Take suggestions from or just spend time with a kid; they’re usually fearless when it comes to trying new experiences.
-If you’re concerned about trying a new class, start with a similar version designed for the elderly. The welcoming environment and shared wisdom will immediately put you at ease.
-Find someone who can struggle through with you. My students benefit from seeing others in the same boat.
-Find a way to record your progress along the way. Seeing improvement is a huge motivator.
It’s time to stop practicing addition and move on to something that will challenge you to grow. And, no, it doesn’t have to be polynomials.
Nourishment
In my former life, I viewed eating as a purely functional act. I was not concerned with the quality of food that entered my mouth, as long as it contained the proper macronutrients at the proper time. For almost ten years, my lunch consisted of a premixed protein shake because it was high in protein, low in calories, and could be sucked down in 15 minutes while I tutored struggling students in the school cafeteria. For ten years, I was content with that lunch.
Then something changed. I realized that not only did I not look forward to lunch, but that I had even begun to dread it. The shakes met my nourishment in the most basic sense, but that was all. At this point, I had already begun to visit my kitchen for more than a chat with the microwave, so I decided to restructure my lunches to incorporate what I was learning in the kitchen.
I had to start with the practical: my hours as a teacher are long and my lunch times are short. I needed to be able to find foods that could be cooked and prepped on Sunday and reheated quickly at school. I started by collecting recipes and cookbooks (about the only kind of book that didn’t fill the shelves in my old life). I found I enjoyed seeking out ideas and combinations, always seeking to maximize my veggie intake and ensure that I would get substantial protein and fiber with each meal. I learned that raw veggies have to be limited; there simply is not enough time to eat them all. Likewise, finger foods are a no-go in the germ laden land of a middle school. Even with those limitations, the options seemed endless.
An amazing metamorphosis occurs in my fridge every weekend. Mounds of greens and veggies are chopped and cooked into submission and divided into color-coded containers ready for the week ahead. The house fills with the aromas of a variety of spices, as the sounds of the food processor echo through the house. The island is the scene of assembly line style food preparation.
The consequences of the change in my lunch menu were astounding. My health improved; I no longer caught every cold that came through the school. My attitude improved, as I had a lunch I looked forward to (this is especially a motivator on Monday mornings). My afternoon workouts improved, now that I had enough fuel in my system to support the training. I became a de facto educator about plant-based diets as teachers and students began to inquire about my lunch.
But, most of all, I found nourishment. For my body. And for my soul.
I kept the menu for this week simple; it is a short week and I don’t want to dedicate much of my time off to cook. I decided to make Hottie Black-Eyed Peas & Greens from Appetite for Reduction, one of my go-to cookbooks for healthy, easy, vegetarian meals. I always try to incorporate fruits and veggies of different colors in every meal, so I’m adding sweet potatoes mashed with almond milk and vanilla rice protein along with some blackberries, since they were on sale;)
Here’s the food ready to cook.
And here, after 45 minutes of preparation (barring the work the ol’ trusty slow cooker did overnight on the beans), is the final product.
I’m waiting to pack the blackberries until Wednesday morning, so that is why they are absent. Now, I can enjoy the rest of my time off knowing that I have healthy, nourishing food to get me through the week.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 