It’s Not Alphabetical, But “Me” Comes Before “Marriage”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses.  Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being.  The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation.  Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?

Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.

Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed.  We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another.  In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:

How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?

How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?

How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?

How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?

How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?

How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?

How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?

So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.

States of Matter

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: The liquid helium is in the superflui...
Image via Wikipedia

Which state of matter best describes you?

Solids are comprised of tightly packed molecules.  They are rigid, holding their own shape.  The atoms that make up a solid are stuck, their movement compromised by the proximity of their neighbors.  If you are a solid, you are fixed in your life.  Your environment does not impact your shape, as you resist influence from your surroundings.  If too much resistance is applied, a solid crumbles and fragments, but it takes quite a bit for this to occur.  Solids are consistent, yet their stalwart nature can make them vulnerable to fragmentation or erosion.

The particles that form liquids are freer to move, yet they posses cohesive properties that encourage them to remain in proximity to each other.  The defining characteristic of a liquid is that it takes the shape of its container.  If you are a liquid, you allow the environment to shape you, yet you maintain a a sense of self held in the solidarity of your component parts.  You naturally flow, yet can move against the pull of gravity when effort is applied.  You are resistant to pressure, yet accepting of influence.

Gasses are the free spirits of the chemical world; their particles enjoy total freedom at the expense of identity.  The atoms and molecules in a gas will expand to fill its container as they bounce around with no thought to each other.  If you are gas, you push against the constraints of your environment, constantly looking for a way out.  The application of pressure simply intensifies this effect.  You are free, open to anything, yet may not have a developed sense of self, as your component parts do not blend.

States of matter can be changed.  Apply enough heat to a solid and it softens, liquifies.  Apply too much perhaps, and you lose your substance as it evaporates.  On the other hand, compress freely moving molecules hard enough, and you transition them to a liquid and eventually a solid.

In my own life, I strive to be a liquid.  I want to be unified and have a definable self, yet I want to be open to influence.  I desire to be able to relax and go with the flow, yet also be able to move against the current at will.  The pressures I have faced have forced internal cohesion and the warmth from those around me has kept me soft and pliable.  I try to monitor the dials and switches on my internal chemistry set to maintain this optimal balance despite the impact of the environment.

Anger Deflation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My biggest stumbling block was (and at times, continues to be) anger.  I could not get past the deliberate nature of what he had done.  Holding me, telling me how much he loved me and would miss me while his bride’s ring sat in his car, ready to be placed on her finger within the week.  The years of lies and manipulations that covered the hemorrhaging accounts.  And, worst of all, he went on the attack with the divorce, blaming me for everything.  How could I not be angry? Livid?

I spent much of the last two and half years wrestling with the “how.”  How could he do this?  How could he seek to destroy the one he claimed to love (and seemed to show love to up until the last text)?  How could he kiss me, be intimate with me, knowing that he was orchestrating this symphony of destruction?  Try as I might, I just couldn’t make those actions, those lies,  match the man I knew.

So, I thought of him as a boy.

I thought about what would cause a child to lie.  Children generally lie out of fear.  They want to please, and when they now they have disappointed, they seek to hide their actions by spinning tales.  Looking over the last few years of my marriage, I saw a path (relating to a failed business attempt) that could have led him down the path of telling lies to hide his shortcomings, to protect me from the truth.  As with a child, if these lies are not caught, they eventually become habit.

I thought about what would cause a child to lash out against loved ones.  Children often lash out when they feel trapped and threatened.  When  he lashed out, he had been caught.  The carefully crafted facade that he wanted the world to see had been stripped away, his deceptions, his failures bared for the world to see.  He saw me as threatening his core, his very self, so he lashed out in a desperate  attempt to shield.

I may be wrong in these motivations. Perhaps he is simply a sociopath,  immune to other’s  pain.  Maybe he is evil, enjoying the suffering of others.  But that doesn’t fit the man I knew, and so it does not bring me peace.  However, by looking at his actions as I would a child’s, I have found that I see him as scared, unsure, and lost.  That helps  to deflate some of the anger, releasing the pressure and allowing me to move forward.

Anger is a Succubus

Posted on by stilllearning2b

anger

Anger.   It is so easy to go there.  To stay there.

Why did he do this to me?  How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!

That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched.  Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless.  It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.

Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject.  What can I do to make my life better?  What can I do now that these things have happened.  Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand.  They certainly have their place, after all:)  That shifts the power back to you.

Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions.  Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed.  Any luck?  Yeah, me neither.

The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.

In future posts, I will share some of my strategies for moving beyond anger.  What has helped you?  Are you still angry?

Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was a toddler, I used to try to walk through the sliding glass door.  Repeatedly.  The coffee table was simply an apparition that should bend to my will and allow me passage.  Even the bulk of the couch was no match for my will; I assumed that it too could be bested if I tried long enough and hard enough.

As I approached adulthood and learned about the states of matter,I realized that my chances of walking through solids were pretty slim.  However, this did little to temper my will and stubbornness.  These traits saw me through many challenges in my life; I succeeded because I refused to give up.  I worked to make myself stronger, both physically and emotionally to see me through the challenges that life had to offer.  I had perseverance and reliance in droves.

It wasn’t enough. At least not for the long run.

My strength got me through the early days and months of my divorce.  I looked to my fortitude to help me push through what seemed like insurmountable obstacles.

Then, one day, I realized the external obstacles were gone.  All that was left were my interior barriers, and try as I might, I couldn’t simply lower my head and barrel through them.  This was not a  time for strength.

I found  wisdom in the teachings of yoga and meditation, areas that I had been exploring, sensing that they could counter my natural strengths and bring me more into balance.  In yoga, you are taught to find your edge, accept your edge, explore your edge (not to pretend it is not there and continue forward nonetheless, as  I was wont to do).  Pain is not something to  be denied, rather it should be acknowledged and  investigated.  I learned to recognize my edge and slowly, softly shift it.  I became more comfortable just being with the pain, softening my attitude towards it.  The process of healing from the trauma made me softer, and that in turn made me stronger and more whole.

Strength found its balance in softness.  The two together are so much more powerful than each alone.  Try as I might, I still can’t walk through furniture, though.