This is timely for me today. I have to go to court this afternoon to deal with some of the mess my ex left behind (see Clean Up, Aisle 5). I’m scared. I don’t know why. This is a known and limited threat, yet I am anxious. I am going to begin my day with my own tip to bust through fear: a long run. Somehow the combination of repetitive movement, fresh air, and an exhausted body help to calm my mind. I plan to follow that with some meditation before going to the courthouse. Oh, and I guess I’ll take a shower too:)
Try these tips when you feel fear whispering in your ear and trying to control your thoughts,
An yellow orange warning sign with an ! . Re-uploaded because someone on the English Wikipedia wanted it again. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There is so much about the legal process of divorce that is just not fair. I’m feeling that very acutely right now, as I received an email from someone in my life who is now in the same no-win property situation I found myself in. In both cases, the spouse was dishonest and actively hiding information. In both cases, the judge awarded the marital home to the partner with the agreement that they would assume the full note and make payments. In both cases, that failed to happen. This puts us in the position of owing money on a home we do not own and cannot sell. Speaking for my case, I truly felt as though I had no option other than foreclosure. My ex had disappeared again, I could not afford to pay lawyers any more, and the courts could only change the ownership of the house, not the names on the loan.
I am disgusted by the fact that actions that would be deemed illegal against a stranger are allowed against a spouse. It is not unlike the way it was (and still is in some cultures) where a husband could forcefully take his wife without it being termed rape because of the legal contract between them. Why is it that a marriage contract makes despicable behavior tolerable in the eyes of the law? Why is it that just because I called him,” husband,” he could embezzle my money, steal my files, and abandon joint responsibilities without more than a slight slap on the wrist? If someone came into my home and did the same, they would be sitting in a jail cell, learning how to do pull-ups on a bunk bed.
I propose we need a new law: marital treason, the act of betraying one’s marriage (there used to be a similar law called petty treason). This would include adultery, deception (financial and otherwise), and acting in a way that is in opposition to a marriage. Once convicted, the treasonous spouse would be required to pay restitution (enforced by payroll deduction) and forced to serve community service in a cause chosen by the spouse. For those, like mine, who like to run, their passports would be confiscated until the requirements of their conviction had been met. It seems as though the only time the law takes divorce seriously is in the case of child support (don’t get me wrong here, I strongly support hunting down deadbeat parents). Also, please understand I’m not whining for alimony or excess; I just want what was stolen from me. The marital treason law would seek to identify and hold responsibility to those who chose to betray their marriage through deception. It’s only fair.
Okay, I feel a little better now. Just had to get that off my chest.
There is no way to sugar-coat it; the end of a relationship is hard. You are mourning the loss of what was and the possibility of what could be. You may be faced with sides of your partner or even yourself that are strangers to you. You may be facing the fact that the person who swore to love and protect you was actually the one from whom you required protection. Your whole world and your place in it folds in on itself like some sort of mutant origami, only flashes of the old life still visible. In is this complete and total devastation, hides the power of a break-up. You can fold your new life into beautiful new forms. After the crying and screaming, of course.
Today is one of those days that deserves a name, a title that anchors it in my mind and lets me retrieve the file at will. I dub today, The Opening.
I have recently developed my own Sunday ritual. My morning begins with a 90 minute power hot yoga class. Now that spring has arrived, I follow this class with a visit to the nearby botanical gardens for an hour or so. It is a perfect combination, as it makes good use of drive time and the plants don’t seem to mind the fact that I am sweaty and stinky from yoga (or at least they are too polite to say so).
This particular yoga class has been a delightful challenge for me. Every week I learn something new about a pose or about myself. It pushes me beyond my comfort zone in so many ways. My biggest obstacle in yoga has always been my hips; they are tight from running, lack of stretching, and my natural biomechanics. But, most of all, they are tight because it is where I hold tension. Those hips are starting to open. As those binding ligaments loosen, I can start to feel my mind relax as well. Stress moves out and acceptance moves in to take its place. My yoga instructor says, “Open hips, open heart.” I think she may be on to something.
I had to smile when I entered the gardens today. On my last visit two weeks ago, The petals on the tulips were closed tight, rigid and upright. Today, they were splayed open, faces towards the sun. Those tulips mirrored my own feelings.
The gardens were beautiful today, full of riotous color and fresh verdant growth. Of course, that also means they were full of onlookers; the quiet solitude of the early spring a thing of the past. I decided to approach my visit a little differently today. I pulled out my phone, interested my headphones, and started a track that contains meditative music that follows a diurnal rhythm. This allowed me to be in my own world and not be aware of the people filling the garden. I took a different route through the planting, maintaining a calm mind. This was my meditation today. I had no goals, no destination. I allowed myself to just be in the space. It was wonderful. Restorative.
IRS building on Constitution Avenue in Washington, D.C.. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I wrote before about my experiences with the Innocent Spouse relief program with the IRS. I have now received refunds for all of the years in question (I cried when each check came in). They have asked me to complete a survey about my experiences with the program. I am also sending this letter to show them the more personal side of their impact.
March 25, 2012
Dave Alito
Director, Compliance
Wage and Investment Division
I received the request for completing a survey about my experiences with the Innocent Spouse claim procedure. I will be happy to fill this out; however, I also wanted to write a letter expressing more fully my experience with the process.
First, a little background on my story: In 2009, my partner of 16 years abruptly abandoned me with a text message. He took all of the financial documents with him, which prompted me to dig into internet resources (he changed the passwords on all of the accounts), which indicated that he had been hiding major financial deceptions. He then went on to commit felony bigamy within a week of leaving me.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I lost everything: my husband, my dogs, my money, my home in one small text. I held out hope that the legal system would allow some sort of justice. They did not. In the criminal trial, he was granted a diversion and was never held to the criteria of the judgment. In the divorce case, he was ordered to remove my name from the mortgage and pay me back for taxes, attorneys, and some other expenses. That never happened and the courts offered no support. I felt like I was twice victimized; once by my husband and again by the legal system. It was a frustrating and powerless feeling.
When I filed for Innocent Spouse relief, I held no real hope. I expected this to go the way of the courts. The day that I received the first letter that my claim was accepted was a huge turning point for me. I felt validated, and as though I had regained some control over my life. For the first time in the entire experience, I felt as though he would have to face the consequences of his actions.
The money I was refunded has allowed me a little more cushion as I struggle to rebuild my financial well-being. Even more importantly; however, are the emotional funds I received that have helped me to no longer be a victim. I want to thank the people involved in my case who saw through to his deceptions and gave me hope for my future.
Maybe I should include the IRS in my Christmas letter list? Oh, wait. I never send Christmas cards…
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 