Taking Candy From Strangers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My usual grocery trip this morning was anything but usual.

There were four lines open, four registers with glowing beacons welcoming customers.

But only one register had a line.

Employees kept trying to persuade the queued customers to relocate, to shift a few feet to the right or left in order to shave ten or fifteen minutes off their wait.

All refused.

And when they turned their faces towards me, I could the tears in their eyes.

You see, this was not a usual day.

This was Mary’s last day.

I met Mary almost three years ago when I moved and first visited that store. It was just chance, that first meeting, her register was open and the line was short. Her smile that day was genuine. Her “How are you?” was more than just a memorized line uttered for the benefit of management. Her gaze alternated between the groceries she scanned and the customers she served.

That was chance. The rest was intentional. My grocery trips were timed around Mary’s hours. I looked forward to our weekly visits. Our friendship was built in ten minutes a week, milestones exchanged and stories told over produce weighed and coupons scanned. We learned to read each other, able to tell at a glance what kind of a day the other was having. She was one of the first to learn of my new marriage and one of the first to recognize when I was headed for work overload. I learned of her struggles and triumphs as we dialoged and celebrated.

Yet, in many ways, we remain strangers, limited by the constraints of the environment where we rendezvous.

 

But some of the most important people in my life have been relative strangers.

Some of the most touching kindness has come from people I barely know.

From the policeman that arrested my ex husband.

To the gas station clerk that frequently comped my morning coffee during that year of tear-stained cheeks.

People that touched my life more than they will ever know.

 

We have expectations of kindness when it comes to friends and family. When the expectation is met, we are satisfied but not surprised.

Yet with strangers, we lead with no expectations. So when they reach out with kindness, it is even more remarkable.

A hand extended out of compassion rather than obligation.

 

So thank the Marys in your life and strive to be the Mary for someone else.

Forget what your mother taught you. Life is better when we take candy from strangers.

 

The Person Behind the Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today I had the honor of meeting one of the bloggers whose work I admire.

I was able to put a face with a name.

A voice with the words.

A person with the story.

It’s strange meeting a blogging buddy for the first time. In some ways, you know their most intimate tales. Yet, in other ways, they are complete strangers as you may not know basic facts. It’s like a blind date after reading someone’s diary, flipping through his/her photo albums and having lunch with his/her mom.

I’ve known this woman through her writing for the last year and a half. But her blog doesn’t reveal how her face lights up when she hears a child’s laughter. Her writing doesn’t tell you about the determination and resolve that enters her voice when she speaks of her struggles. Her writing speaks of healing, but her spirit shows it.

We spoke of many things, not the least of which was how blogging has become a part of our lives. The online community part of our circle. It is amazing how writing and sharing allows so many voices to be heard and lets so many more know that they are not alone. We write of universal experiences and truths told through our own experiences. And the sum is certainly greater than the parts.

It’s always a little strange (and scary) tearing down that curtain between my public life and my private. But today, I’m glad I did. I not only have more respect for her and her work than I did before, I hope I also have a new friend (Tiger seconds that!).

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This has been quite a couple weeks for reuniting with old friends. Facebook may drive me crazy sometimes (like yesterday, when it suggested I “like” a mommy makeover page. Umm…What makes you think I’m a mommy and why do you think I need a makeover?) but it cannot be beat for locating (or being located, in this case!) old friends. Three old friends, from three different times in my life, all found me within the past week.

These connections are extremely special to me, as I am not in contact with many people from my childhood. After I had 13 friends die throughout high school, I pulled back from the rest of friends after graduation. I simply couldn’t handle losing anyone else. The move across the country when I was 21 only cemented that distance. As a result, the only people in my life are either family or those I met after high school.

Until last week.

One lived just down the street from me and we became friends when I was barely out of diapers. I have great memories of us being artsy and craftsy. We shared an obsession with Annie (I seem to recall arguing over who got to wear the red, curly wig). She moved right about when I started Kindergarten, so we never attended the same schools. Even then, we remained friends throughout childhood. It turns out that she also became a teacher, has a passion for travel and has also ended up divorced. She is also the only one of the three who is also childless. Since she is currently out of the country, we have been catching up via our respective blogs.

The next to find me was the ex boyfriend I mentioned in Serendipity.  Where the first friend represents my early childhood for me, this one symbolizes that oh-so interesting period in adolescence when you start to find independence and develop yourself as an individual. Reconnecting with him has brought to surface those memories of myself as a young and unsure adult. It’s pretty funny to look back at myself then… Interestingly, he is the only one of the three that has remained married.

The most recent just found me yesterday. We met in elementary school and remained friends until I moved, but we were at our closest in middle school. This is the friend who knew me through that awkwardness of 7th grade and the panic-inducing first kisses. We spent countless nights at each other’s homes, listening to Motley Crue and analyzing the boys at school. In a small world coincidence, she now lives with her family in the same neighborhood as my mom (I wish I had known this when I visited last month!!). She is divorced and remarried with a young (and adorable) son. Of the three, she was the only one who knew my ex. After she learned the story from the blog, she now wants to join the line of those who want to kill him. She is one of the very few people who knew me before him, during that relationship and now I get to know her again after. That’s pretty special.

In my post on the types of friends you need during divorce, I mentioned the importance of the ones who knew you before.  I may not be in the middle of divorce anymore, but I still appreciate those who knew me before.

I am so grateful to have these three friends back in my life. I am thrilled that the wall between my childhood and adulthood has been breached. All three were all special to me and I have thought of each of them often. It’s interesting to discover the similarities in our stories and the paths that we have all chosen. I am so excited to get to know them now as adults. I think I’ll pass on the red Annie wig, though:)

And tomorrow is a reuniting of a different sort as I begin the new school year. Looking forward to seeing all my lovely coworkers but I am going to miss these leisurely lunches with no kids!

Happy summer ya’ll (what can I say, I’ve gotten back in touch with my Texas roots) and good luck for those of you also beginning the new school year:)

 

We Are Women

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson

photo-265

On the surface, it was a simple girl’s weekend at the beach. But much lies beneath the waves at the ocean in the form of great beauty and unexplored possibilities.

On the surface, we were five women with toned figures and painted nails, armed with the foods, drinks and clothes to celebrate a weekend away from our normal lives and responsibilities. But much lies beneath the façade of a woman in the form of great power and untapped potential.

We were more strangers than friends when we first gathered at the rented beach house late Friday afternoon. A proposal was made that we draw names – the selected slip bearing the name of the woman we were to focus on that weekend so that we could reveal her greatest gifts to her in our final conversation.

Names drawn, the weekend began. Stories were told and topics were broached. Our laughter echoed through the home and our tears stained our cheeks. Meals were prepared and consumed. We watched sunsets and sunrises from the decks and explored the roads on runs. We walked to the beach only to have to run home in the monsoon that soon appeared. We danced and sang and we didn’t get much sleep.

Through it all, we watched and we listened to the woman bearing our selected name. Becoming more aware in each moment that we all brought different gifts to the table and that we each had what another lacked.

Sunday morning came all too soon. We gathered one last time with the intent of revealing what we learned about each other. We soon realized that each woman, powerful in her own beautiful way, embodied a different characteristic of womanhood and had a lesson to teach the rest of us.

Empathy

The first gifts to be revealed were that of the woman who possessed a quiet power and a willing ear. She would observe and reflect only later to release wisdom without assumption. She embodied the feminine caregiver, the nurturer that reaches out to assist those in need. Her journey has her learning how to set boundaries and the importance of taking care of yourself before you can help others.

Lesson: Embrace your nurturing nature yet remember that you are only responsible for your own happiness and well-being.

Strength

The next up was a woman who personifies strength. Her tall, solid frame speaks to her physical power, her sturdy muscles taut beneath the skin. Her tattoos are a testament of her resiliency though life’s trials. She is larger than life and does everything to the utmost. She is statuesque in frame and in spirit, as others look up to her as a model for their own lives. She has faced opposition from those who are intimidated by her feminine strength and seek to subdue it. Yet female strength is not something shameful; it is something to be celebrated. And celebrate it we did!

Lesson: Celebrate who you are and do not allow others to force you into hiding.

Passion

This woman was the last to show up at the home on Friday. She brought sunshine in the door behind her. Her big smile, loud unapologetic laugh and sense of play brought an amazing energy to the group. She embraces her sexuality and understands its power. Rather than trying to intimidate others with her beauty, she seeks to reveal and revel in the beauty of others.

Lesson: Celebrate life’s joys and do not be ashamed of pleasure. Laugh often and laugh loud.

Voice

This powerful woman was the one who made this weekend happen. She is assertive and strong, never afraid to speak her mind or to speak up for those who can’t for themselves. She has learned how to lead through inspiration and knows how to teach and open minds without relying on preaching. When others speak, she listens and when she speaks, the world listens.

Lesson: Create change by dreaming big and inspiring those around you to dream even bigger.

Spirit

The last woman is a testament of the power of the human spirit. She is resilient and determined, not content to take the easy road. She uses her story to motivate others to move beyond hardship and struggle. She sees potential for growth and opportunity in every challenge.

Lesson: You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from your past and let your spirit soar.

We are women. We are powerful beyond measure.

These are blogs run by two of the other women on the trip. I’m sure they will be sharing their own experiences about the weekend as well:) Check them out!

Fit is the New 40

Imperfect Yoga and Coaching

The 8 Types of Friends You Need During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is normal for your marriage to be at the center of your social life. You have a built-in activity partner. You share friends. The “plus one” is expected when you receive an invitation.

And then the marriage dies.

Your go-to is gone. The mutual friends may be divvied up like a bag of Skittles, or they may simply scatter as though the bag of candy was dropped to the floor.

It is tempting to hide. To hibernate. You may want to pull the covers over your head and not come out until the debris field has been cleared. It’s tempting, but it won’t help you heal. Think of the skin under a bandage that has been left on too long. Is that what you want your heart to look like?

Hopefully you have some stalwart friends who stick by your side. These are the ones who don’t run from your tears or hide from your rants. Treasure these friends. They are true.

Eventually, you will tire of being seen as the “divorcing one.” You will want to try on new guises and play with new personas. This is a wonderful opportunity to try new things and meet new people. Surround yourself with others who have a zest for life, even if they only flit in and out of your life for a moment. Let them teach you. It is a time to win friends and be influenced by people. Practice saying “yes” to experiences you would have avoided before. Celebrate. Laugh. Live. Then go home and cry if you need to.

No one friend can meet all of your needs during divorce. The following types of friends are priceless as you navigate your divorce:

 

The Rational Friend

Divorce has a way of making you go a little crazy. You do and say things that you normally would not and your common sense seems to disappear. Your rational friend is the one who talks you out of your impulse to plaster your ex’s face on a billboard or desire to date out of revenge. This is the friend that gives you sage and mature advice and doesn’t partake in your ex-bashing sessions.

 

The Let it All Hang Out Friend

Of course, sometimes you want someone to help you in you ex-bashing. That’s when you turn to this friend. This is the confidant that will hold nothing back and tell it like is. Loudly. Usually over drinks. This friend will help you purge the negative emotions as you cuss and scream and cry and laugh, often all at the same time.

 

The Friend Who Knew You Before

During divorce, you often feel like you’re losing part of yourself. Especially if you were in the marriage for a long time, it’s difficult to remember who you were prior to the relationship. This friend can help you reacquaint with the earlier and more innocent you. These are the friends that often fade into the background when we are married. Take this time to reconnect with the friends of your youth and let them remind you of your spirit.

 

The Friend You Only Met After

When you are in the process of divorce, your marital status is often front and center in your interactions. Eventually, this gets old and you just want to be you. Or maybe you even want to be someone a little different that who you were during your marriage, but your existing friends already have you typecast. Take this opportunity to make new friends. You can tell them about the divorce. Or not.

 

The Fun Friend

This is the friend that will get you off the couch and have you doing something you never thought you would try. They may call with a party invitation one week and an offer to drive cross-country the next. They will drag you out of your comfort zone kicking and screaming. But then you’ll be laughing so hard that you don’t care.

 

The Hot Friend

Well, you are single now, aren’t you? This easy-on-the-eyes companion is great when you’re starting to awaken to the opposite sex again but you are nowhere near ready to venture into the dating world. This friend gives you a chance to flirt and feel attractive and sexual again. In some cases this may go further; however, I personally recommend keeping sex and your friends separate, especially when you are vulnerable.

 

The Non-Human Friend

Animals can make the best companions when we’re having a rough time. They truly practice unconditional love and will never judge you. On those days when talking with a human friend is simply too overwhelming, try connecting with a fur buddy. Kisses are optional but always nice:)

 

The True Friend

This is the friend that lets you be the real you, whether that be sobbing in the fetal position on the floor or putting on a way too short skirt for your first post-divorce date. This is the companion who will pick you up, give you a place to live and a purpose for living.

 

You may not have all of these types of friends in your life at the time of the divorce. I know I did not. I had to make the choice and the consistent effort to find and build friendships. I joined Meetup.com, I talked to people I met at the gym or coffee shop and I accepted invitations even when I wanted to hide. I met new friends and strengthened existing bonds. Many of those people are still in my life today while others made their influence and moved on.

 

Your world will stabilize again. Friendships will build. You will learn to navigate without the “plus one.” Until that time, reach out and make some new friends even if only for a day. And, you never know, you may just find a new “plus one.”